Fear and Anxiety has returned

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#1 Sep 13 - 11PM

petal

Fear and Anxiety has returned

I could really use some advice tonight. The fear and anxiety that I felt in the first few months post break up have returned and I'm struggling to understand why. I was doing so well, thought I was healing and now I'm finding myself at that painful post break up phase again.

It has been 10 months since I broke up with the ex narc. We dated for a year and half and knew each other for almost 2 years. This is my first (and hopefully last) experience with someone like this so I'm still grasping for some kind of understanding.

I think what has triggered this recent anxiety is that his OW broke up with him recently and that I am having some minor success with my art career. Oddly enough he was always supportive of my art. It was one of the few good things about him. Well I just had a reception for my art show and was distracted by the thought that he was going to show up uninvited. He didn't, thank god! But I am feeling anxious again that he will contact me. Two mutual friends have told me that he is reminiscing about our relationship. I've been in NC mode for almost 6 months. He was sending me texts and emails regularly but it has mostly stopped in the past 2 months.

Are these feelings normal? I have been very happy lately and am suddenly back at that same stage post break up again. I don't know why. I feel so confused and hurt again. I even stopped therapy 4 months ago thinking - ok, I'm better and don't need help anymore. Any advice would be much appreciated. I'm in a lot of pain right now.

#2 Sep 14 - 12PM

petal

Thank you

Thank you everyone. I just had a good cry and let it all out. Just need to take this one day at a time and not be so hard on myself. These forums have been so helpful.

#3 Sep 14 - 11AM

fooled no longer

its a cycle it comes I goes

its a cycle it comes I goes im feeling weak again today, i thought I was on top. this is all so devastating, it was 9,5 years I was with him so I expect to spend a lifetime recovering, but i will get over him. He was a monster in nice clothes. I will do whatever I have to> be strong.

#4 Sep 14 - 8AM

Winter

Dear Petal

I am so sorry you are currently experiencing pain. As many people mentioned on this forum, it is not a linear process. And I think it is perfectly normal that from time to time the pain is coming back. Even after the long period of serenity. Even without any trigger. It does not mean it will be permanent. It does not mean that the pain will keep returning endlessly in the future. I might be wrong, but something tells me that what really makes you feel bad right now is the disappointment that “you are BACK in the pain” after you already felt good. It is the fear of not being ever completely free of this emotional burden. You wrote “... I'm struggling to understand why”. We usually think that once we find the answer and explanation to our emotions, it will ease the pain. This intellectual struggle could be your defense against the pain, a place to escape it. However, I now truly believe that the only way to stop the pain is to face it without fear and to feel it, embrace it. It will lose its power. I once read somewhere “we have to love our fears”. So my advice to you will be; please, accept, do not resist, relax and feel it. You already did put in place the NC, achieved success with your art career. You did your best, don’t be tough with yourself and “allow” yourself to feel what you feel and do not judge it. Big hugs, Winter

#5 Sep 14 - 11AM (Reply to #6)

petal

You're right

Winter, thank you. You're right, I am resisting the pain I'm feeling inside and am intellectualizing it, trying to make sense of it logically. As I was taking a shower last night I found myself on the verge of tears and I told myself - stop this, you haven't cried over him in a few months, don't get worked up again. So I stopped myself from feeling it. I do need to feel it to transmute the pain. I'm comparing myself to other friends that have gone through breakups and witnessing how they've gotten over their exes within a healthy amount of time. But then again none of them have dated a psych/narc like I did. They don't understand why I'm still struggling with this.

#6 Sep 14 - 12PM (Reply to #7)

spinning

Petal, this is an excellent

revelation on your part. Let the tears out. I think you were triggered by those "friends" telling you he still cares for you or whatever. Them saying that is a form of contact and I think that's why you're reeling a little bit. Maybe you could tell the people who care about you that you'd prefer not to hear anything about him? Here is a great blog from Lisa that helped me a lot. It still does. Petal, my sweet, I am 10 months NC, too, and the past few weeks here and there I find myself shedding tears. They're not necessarily for him, maybe they're for me. For the pain of the loss, the delusion, the hurt. Like you, I don't like it when it happens. I WANT TO BE DONE WITH IT, and mostly I am. My life is good. Full and happier than I thought it could be. But I still have those moments. And so I let the tears out. And every time I do, I feel better. I hope this helps you. And Congratulations on your NC and on your art show! That's fantastic. http://www.lisaescott.com/2011/02/19/dont-be-afraid-cry Most sincerely, (not) spinning. AND STRIVING FOR THE DAY WHEN NO ONE WILL EVER SPIN OVER THESE DISORDERED ONES.

spinning

#7 Sep 14 - 12PM (Reply to #9)

Goldie

Nice response Spinning

I agree totally and Petal, keep your chin up hon, you are doing better than you think. Recovery comes in waves and you just had a ripple today. Get it out. Congrats on your art show and NC!!! This too shall pass. God bless, Goldie

#8 Sep 14 - 12PM (Reply to #8)

petal

You're awsome

Thanks so much. I just went outside (I'm at work right now) and found a quiet corner and cried my heart out. I send you a big hug.

#9 Sep 14 - 1AM

Tigerlily

My guess is, it`s the fact

My guess is, it`s the fact that he`s not with the OW any more that has thrown you off balance. Subconsciously something in you may be suggesting that he is now free (for you). It could also be a gut instinct telling you that you may well be "hoovered" soon, or a combination of both. You may be thinking or obsessing about him again, which is almost as unsettling and draining as being together with him. If it were me, I`d want to have very clearly defined plans and strategies for what to do if he contacts me or turns up at my door. Congratulations on your art successes! Keep going strong! Love, Tigerlily

#10 Sep 14 - 8AM (Reply to #4)

petal

Hoovering

I think that's where my fear is coming from, that he'll hoover again like he did in the first few months post break up. I really hope I'm wrong. In the last email he sent to me (which I didn't reply to) he was still under the delusion that I was going to talk to him, that we were going to be friends again someday - ha! No way. No friend would treat me the way he has. I do need a plan but there is something that really bothers me still. He owes me a lot of money and has not paid me back. Some friends have advised me to let it go, others say take him to small claims court. I have not been able to let go of this debt he owes me, as hard as I've tried mentally to let it go. Thanks for your advice, much appreciated.

#11 Sep 14 - 12AM

58 and going strong

Hi Petal, sorry to see you in

Hi Petal, sorry to see you in so much pain. While I personally would try to find the trigger for the unexpected outbreak and work on that, it might be better for you to not do that by yourself and rather see a therapist again. I had great success with Rapid Resolution Therapy. Way better for me than the once-a-week-on-the-couch 'chat'. Or maybe a you can find a trauma therapist.-- We all tend to be so strong at times, so convinced that we don't need any (more) help . . . I wonder if that's part of our symptoms, part of our very own die-ease . . . You say that he was very supportive with your art, and now you did - and survived!!! - a show all by yourself. Yes, the world out there can be very scary, especially when there is nobody to lean on. That is stressful, and even if it is the eu-stress, it is still stress and can trigger a lot. The learning process for me was to trust myself that I CAN DO IT. SO CAN YOU! Big hug!

#12 Sep 14 - 8AM (Reply to #2)

petal

Thanks

I'm going to look into the Rapid Resolution Therapy you mentioned, thank you! Big hug to you also.

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