Fear of them leaving

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#1 Dec 27 - 2PM
nomoredenial
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Fear of them leaving

I realize how this was a HUGE tactic of THE X. He kept me out of balance not safe to know he would stay and then used it to keep me in line. If I asked questions or showed my displeasure in something he would start to get an attitude and so out of fear that he would leave I would stop. What a prick. Im just getting clear about this this morning. Thats how my needs got shoved to the side. Oh my gosh Im just seeing this. I can see how he kept me small. The other day when he asked to borrow food I said you need to be paying for the kids food. 3 times he changed the subject, 3 times I repeated what I just said. Until he finally answered Im barely paying for mine. but what I relaized is that is a tactic he used, after he said it he sighed like GEEZ....... only problem is i didnt want him there so it held no power over me but before I would have taken that sigh as I better be quiet, or he might leave. He kept me so small. NEVER WILL I ALLOW THAT AGAIN. I am worth so much more

Dec 27 - 9PM
NessMIA
NessMIA's picture

The worst feeling.. I have

The worst feeling.. I have nothing else to add..because I know exactly what you mean "Did I make him mad?" "Will he talk to me tomorrow?" all of the sudden you feel responsible for it all..
Dec 27 - 6PM
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

nomoredenial

mine loved to be in control and keep me off balance, he once said when i went to see him for a few days and left a little hair in the bathtub,"if you do not get rid of all the hair, I might not have you come over anymore."I was so scared i would not see him anymore, asshole!!!!!
Dec 27 - 6PM (Reply to #9)
virginia (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Yep...micro managing control freak and abuser

Yep, The N pokes a million needles, one by one, in our balloon until we are deflated and we give up on trying anymore. That is, if they didn't discard us first!! Don't give them the pleasure of discarding a treasure chest. We need to dump them first because they are trash!!
Dec 27 - 4PM
GeorgiaGirl
GeorgiaGirl's picture

StbxN threatened

at least 4 times to kick me out of the house. This was during the height of the abuse and he knew...absolutely knew...that having a "home" was the hook that kept me there. I was so off-balance, confused, fearing abandonment...how was I going to raise 4 kids if I was homeless? I would find out just a couple of short months later. He made my worst fears come true. The emotional abuse we endure with these monsters is horrendous. Nomoredenial, you have got to go NC with this asshole and get court orders for what you need. Allowing him in over and over and over only prolongs the pain and keeps you spinning. He uses this stuff to keep you hooked. If I can do it...then so can you!! You are so much stronger than you even know. GG
Dec 27 - 4PM (Reply to #5)
virginia (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

GeorgiaGirl...I too needed a home & that kept me with my CN...

I didn't have little kids which is a huge issue. I can understand what fear you must have faced. I lost my home, and business of 28 yrs. 2 yrs. ago. I was scared of how I was going to make it in this economy...I settled for emotional insecurity for trying to have a roof over my head even if it was temporary...I never thought I would go from a 6 figure income to desperation. I still live with my ex husband, a non narc, to survive. I was married to my non narc ex husband for 28 yrs. I filed for the divorce and he still thinks I am the best woman ever...kinda sad. The N lost a good thing, but he doesn't deserve a good thing! But, I know how it feels to settle due to circumstances. The big issue is, the N never gave me any support or a roof over my head even when he said I was a wonderful partner..There is never a secure future with an N. I realize that I have to sink or swim on my own now. I will, but it is scary out there these days...
Dec 27 - 8PM (Reply to #6)
GeorgiaGirl
GeorgiaGirl's picture

I'm sorry

to hear that you have been through all that. I put up with so much from stbxN just so I wouldn't lose my home...and finally realized that no house was worth my life. I left, he changed the locks and we were homeless for 35 days. I thank God that I have a job, we were able to find housing and I had very generous co-workers who donated furniture & kitchen stuff to get us going. Your ex sounds like a good man. It is a scary world and a pitiful economy right now so I'm thankful he was there for you. Hopefully you will be flying on your own in no time!
Dec 27 - 9PM (Reply to #7)
virginia (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Thank you for your compassion GeoriaGirl...I lost my Mom too

Thank you for your compassion. You sound like me. I am so genuine in my caring for others. I can tell you are too. That is touching and helps in my healing. During that 2 yr. period, when everything was coming down like dominos, I lost my mother to cancer. She died in front of me. I am surprised that I got through all of this. My ex husband and I get along and are now friends, even though there were reasons I couldn't be married to him anymore..long story. You have been through so much too. To even think of being homeless even for 35 days, I fear to even imagine that!! How scary. I do plan on starting my own small business in the next 2 months. I will plan to get back up and move forward, but it will take awhile to make enough money to feel o.k. again. It is great that you have a job and that you have a roof over your head...I wish you the best too...xoxo, V
Dec 27 - 3PM
virginia (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

NoMoreDenial...My N admitted that he...

My N said to me only one time, after I hinted to him that I wanted intimacy while he with held it from me..."Honey, I need to keep you off balance." Can you believe he said those exact words as he prided himself in withholding from me. He was a CN who prided himself in self restraint and withholding sex. He didn't admit to this, but it was clear and in my research it bares this out for Cerebral N's...I questioned him 5 min. after he stated that. "Did you really mean that, because I often feel that, that is exactly what you try to do?" He replied.."No, Honey. I am just kidding you."...That shows that they do and say things intentionally sometimes. His true colors came out that one time and I never forgot that..cruel and manipulative...
Dec 27 - 3PM
spinning
spinning's picture

Yes, nmd, there is no more denial about

their manipulative tactics. When I had this same lightbulb moment I almost laughed out loud at how really powerless Freak Boy was! He had to rage, pound on himself (he is borderline) or pound on walls to deflect a question from me. A simple question like "why did you tell me you were at X when you really were at Y?" He'd accuse me of "being mean" to him when I simply asked a question like that or when I simply pointed out that I didn't like food or champagne being taken from my fridge without me knowing...etc. etc. Yes, yes, no more. No more of that for me. That will never, ever happen to me ever again. I so see it for what it is/was. Freak Boy used the silent treatment punishment like that, too. We'd have a "conversation" that was a bit uncomfortable (again, because he didn't come through on something he said he would) and at the end of the conversation he'd say "everything is fine, I'll call you in the morning" and it would be a GUARANTEE that everything was not fine and he was not planning on calling me any time soon. HE LOVED KEEPING ME OFF KILTER, UNSURE AND WEAK. Never again!!! I'm proud of you for knowing this, no more, especially since you still have to interact with him because of your kids. This is a brilliant, empowering observation on your part. He really isn't powerful at all! Most sincerely, (not) spinning. NO WAY. NEVER AGAIN

spinning

Dec 27 - 4PM (Reply to #2)
nomoredenial
nomoredenial's picture

spinning

When I had this same lightbulb moment I almost laughed out loud at how really powerless Freak Boy was YEP that was my same feeling.......and thinking I allowed myself to be shrunk so low that I would allow behavior so that he wouldnt leave.....oh my. I freakin handed over my life really. I kept thinking the x wasnt mean like some so he wasnt controlling me the same.....oh yes he was.... Gorgia girl... my new motto as of Xmas eve thanks to done sourcing is He lost the privelidge to talk to me...he made his choices. light bulb momemts are awesome. I am actually thankful that I had to talk with him the last few days because of xmas because i got to see some very vital things going into the new year.