Feeling weak, but staying strong

Hi all,
In the last post I wrote, I metioned that I am over 4 months NC and I had been thinking about exN again. I still am thinking about him a lot for the last few weeks. It seems so strange because I felt like I was doing so well. This weekend I had a few invites to parties, and I bailed. I just couldn't find it in me to socialize with new people. I wasn't up to it. I feel myself going into a depression again, and I don't know if it's only because of him or a combination of things.

When I first started feeling this way, I looked at all of the reasons I had written down for breaking up with him. You tend to forget after time passes. It was sad reading how I let him treat me. One thing that stood out was one time where I was feeling so distant from him. I was going through health problems, and instead of supporting me, he would yell at me about other things. At that point I felt so vulnerable and I just wanted to hear from him that he loved me since he stopped saying anything nice to me. He said to me "I know you are looking for reassurance, but you are not going to get that from me." I thought to myself, "wow, I'm sick, and I just want love and support. He can't find it in him to just tell me he loves me." The same thing happened when I got laid off from my job. It hit me hard since I was with that company for 11 years. He told me "most people don't react the way you do when they get laid off." He was basically telling me I was over-reacting instead of supporting me. We had a mass layoff, and many of my friends were laid off with me. In speaking with them, I realized we were all feeling the same pain. He just didn't realize it because unless you ask people how they are feeling after a layoff, you may not know.

Anyway, I am not breaking no contact. I stayed strong through a few hoovers. It has been two months since the last hoover in which he stated "I just don't understand why you won't accept my calls or emails. Can you just let me know you're ok atleast?" This was through an alternate email he had that I didn't realize he had. As much as I wanted to respond, I didn't. He didn't care for me when I was having the health issues. I know he didn't care when he hoovered. He just wanted to see if I would respond.

All of this should be enough for me to completely let him go, but for some reason, I keep thinking about him. My friend told me that I should keep remembering the endless abuse he put me through. My self esteem was nothing when I ended it with him. I'm going to stay strong in the no contact as I don't want to go backwards, but it sure feels like such a challege right now.