femnarc's story

narc'd by a femail

I was just abruptly discarded after a 1.5 year relationship with my live-in gf who I thought was "the one." I'm just over 1 month out and am still in a lot of pain. Recovery has been an excruciating slow process. My ex has both narcissism and borderline traits. When I first met her, I tried to take things slow because she was 2 months out from breaking off an engagement after she discovered her fiance was cheating on her for the second time. Her prior long-term relationship also ended because her ex cheated on her. She's a doctor with a demanding schedule, so I excused the cheating as her exs' inability to cope with her schedule. She said they were intimidated by her success. As an attorney, I thought we were a perfect match. This belief was also fueled by what I believe was the idealization stage during which she mirrored my love for sushi, my dog, and passionate sex. I had never been so sure of anything in my life. It was an incredible feeling to be thankful for every decision I had ever made to get me to this point. I was in love.

Over the course of the next few months, I noticed red flags. Turns out she doesn't like sushi, my dog, or sex much. When I confronted her about this, she told me she wasn't comfortable at the beginning of our relationship and now she was. Other red flags included the fact that she talked about money and how much she will make when she is out of residency with increased frequency, how big her engagement ring was, and how she wanted the best life has to offer. I excused a lot of this because she had taken steps to obtain these things. I drove a porsche, so what is wrong with her wanting a 50k ring? (She made the $$ clear.) We had problems with sex from the get go because I didn't feel as though she was enjoying it. It felt very transactional. She'd get mad if I slowed pace to enjoy the moment. I was under a lot of pressure to finish. Needless to say, this caused some ED problems, which she took personally and would throw in my face. She told me she had never made love with anyone before, that girls don't enjoy sex and only have sex to feel loved, that she would never be this out of control (during sex). She cried a few times during sex as well.

After about 6 months, what I perceived as intimate moments tapered off quite a bit. It got to the point where we only had sex in the mornings because sex at night kept her up. Due to morning breath and her want to finish quickly, there was no foreplay and we rarely if ever made out. I went into a downward spiral and focusing on work. We had some really good moments over the next year and some really terrible fights. Most of our fights stemmed from her talking about money, how important her job is, or her want for compliments that I rarely gave. She once said she needed 5 compliments per day. During our fights, she said the meanest things anyone has ever said to me, things I excused because they were said in the heat of the moment. Last month, after a few ridiculously busy months at work, she came to me and said she was moving out. The next 7 days were a nightmare of her being hot and cold. She found a place within 3 days and moved out at 6 days. One day, she'd be crying about how she was losing her best friend, and the next day she would be an ice queen. About 1 week after the move out, she was on an internet dating site telling people she had never been head over heels in love. Reading this was incredibly painful, but I believe it's true, especially if she's a narcissist.

I contacted her about the dating site because she had previously said she had mentioned she would be single for a long time and wanted to respect our relationship. It was a moment of weakness, I know. She responded to say she needed something to distract her from thinking of me, us, and that she was lonely and scared. I took the bait and responded to let her know I miss her so much it hurts. She responded to say she was slammed at work. I went NC and haven't communicated with her since. It's been 24 days. Although I believe the things I read -- that it gets easier -- I've seen no improvement. Despite all of our problems, I miss her and think about her constantly.... My heart says contact her and she will listen. My mind controls, at least for now, and so I've blocked her email, facebook, deleted all pictures, tossed out gifts that are too sentimental, etc. It doesn't seem to be enough though. Although we broke up 6 weeks ago, I still want her back.