Since I posted a lot over weekend and everyone was giving me advice, I just wanted to follow up. I had a long discussion with H. Someone here said " it's like your(I am) a ghost", and I portrayed that to H. I explained that I have allowed him to take over everything for few reasons, it made it easier for me working full time and our kids in daycare at 6 weeks old, it was path of least resistance which I tend to take if I have to go against someone or their opinion, and other reasons too. It was a great eye opener for both of us. And we set some common doable goals that we will be working on. I am so relieved. I have seen a difference already in two days.
I know I posted a lot over weekend. I not saying my H is not an N. But to be fair I am too in many ways. I appreciated everything that was said here, whether you agreed with me if not. I know I am doing right thing for my kids and family. And it may be right thing for me too. I read post on "craving men's attention", and that's me, I have always been that way. I never acted on it stupidly like I did with N. it made me see more of its about my issues and low self esteem , it really drove the point home. I was soo confused recent days over H and N. I was caught up in Narcville. From reading that post and reading almost everything on this forum since the weekend, for today I can understand why I was such good bait and then good supply for N. I am setting boundaries, even at work since Monday too.
I noticed today I haven't been checking my phone for anonymous call or email. I didn't really think about N, and when I did, I was able to push him out of my mind. I heard many songs today reminding me of him, no crying or knot in my stomach. I read on forum somewhere a post that said how N exaggerate their everyday lives and things they do, etc. I know this. But I thought bout N and how his exes told me he is boring, routine, OCD....and I thought about instances where I saw that with him. N would tell me about all these parties and friends he had, all these things he did on weekends ( I didn't see him on weekend), I learned later he lied as exes told me he would watch tv or wash his car all weekend. No parties, no friends. I bring this up bc I imagine N with this fun single life, no responsibility but himself and him going out and doing slot of things. That was part if my fantasy with him, he did some fun things with me, but only those things or places where there was no competition for him . I know he is doing the same boring things, usual sex routine, with OW and that's it. And I realizing more he is not what I should have been striving for. He really is a loser, albeit handsome n charming, but a friggin loser. He gave me nothing but words, lies....no gifts, no cards, flowers....he couldn't even afford to take me to dinner. I wonder if his OW end up paying his way , too. I know whatever he dies will end the same no matter who he is with.
Today I feel better, I hope I keep moving forward with H. I want my old life back and never think bout N again. And I know I am the only one who can make that happen.