Forgetting Abuse?

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#1 Jul 14 - 2PM

nonnie

Forgetting Abuse?

When you first get these monsters out of your home or if you're in the process of doing so, has anyone had times where it was very difficult to remember some of the exact cases of abuse, brainwashing, mindf*king, etc?

I've spent the last several months in therapy trying to gain the strength to tell my NH of over 20 years that I want him gone and not cave in when he begs me to give him one more chance.

A few months ago, my son jumped the gun and told him to get out of my house. He was sick and tired of how the N was treating us. When the N asked me this, I said it was true, I wanted him gone but then as he stood there looking like some pathetic, little boy, I caved. Since then, the N has become what he believes to be the "perfect husband". Cleaning the house, doing the dishes, deciding that giving me affection is fantastic - on and on. He explains his actions as "I'm a new man" to "I'm getting the old man that you fell in love with back" None of it is even what I wanted.

Last week, he said that he had taken a narcissistic personality test on line and he scored between the national average and celebrities. He said that he took it again thinking as the man he used to be, before he became a "new man" (huge eye roll) and scored higher. He then proceeded to push the conversation towards how I still believe that he is an N even after all of these improvements. I had had enough. I told him that I didn't believe there was any sincerity behind most of his actions. How can he go from 20 some-odd years of refusing to show me any affection to now hugging me every chance he gets and saying things like "I had no idea what I was missing".
I told him that some of the things he had started doing were actually creepy. Monitoring the time I spent in the bathroom getting ready for bed and commenting when I spent longer than the night before.

Stopping by my mom's house because he was "in the neighborhood" and saw my car there and then proceeding to go through every file on her computer (two different times) under the guise of helping her out. When in reality, he was trying to find out if I had a secret e-mail account (he later admitted this). Accusing me of seeing someone else because that's the only thing that makes sense to him on why I want him to leave...

Anyway, he ultimately said that he didn't know how we could continue if I didn't trust him, he said "If you want me gone, just tell me". I sat there struggling, trying to find the strength to say yes by remembering the bullsh*t brainwashing I've put up with on a daily basis and it was like my mind went blank. I was eventually able to tell him yes, (thank God!) I did want him out.

He left the house that night and eventually ended up at his mom's home. Over the last few days, she's called a few times begging me to try marriage counseling or at least call him because this is just killing him. According to her, he just sits there and sobs. During and after these calls, I start forgetting again!

He stopped by the house the day after he left to see if I would talk to him. Stupidly, I let him in and just let him ramble on trying not to say much of anything. After awhile, I start noticing that my mind is so fogged up that I can barely think straight. When I told him I needed to get out of the house, get some fresh air and get my head clear, he said that he realized that he was upsetting me, didn't intend to and would just leave again. After looking at me for several minutes and waiting for me to beg (just guessing) him to stay, he finally left when he realized I wasn't going to say anything.

I've been reading this site for some time now and have only posted once or twice but everyone on here has helped me just by being so candid and supportive of others that the appreciation I feel towards you all is not easily put into words.
If it hadn't been for this site, I don't know if I would've ever given it another go or not. I joined another site last year and they were adament about nc which I agree is important, but if I waited until I could go total nc, I would not be where I am today. I would've just given up and lived in hell until I died. You've been lifesavers!

I have no idea where this will end up but I'm hoping to never let him back in my house again. I've also asked him to just leave me alone (to include texts) so I can get my head clear. I plan on staying here and learning from others' experiences. Because of you, I know that it's ok if I stumble but it's possible to get out of hell as long as I keep my focus on that and not my falls.

#2 Jul 15 - 4PM

wholeagain

I forget

I have to save reminders or write events down so I can remember why I had to go. I've come a long way but still my biggest challenge is dealing with the guilt of leaving, because it's easier for me to remember flowers, dinners, love letters and nice gestures than the soul-killing things that were mixed in with that. A year after leaving I still do struggle with that and whether I deserve to be happy sometimes. And I've definitely experienced that blanking out. I'm still so wary of having my words and thoughts twisted that any time someone asks me how I feel it's like someone immediately fills my brain with fog and I have to wait for it to dissipate before I can answer (thank gawd for patient friends). For a while there if my therapist asked me how I felt I would literally tell her how *he* felt. I was living two emotional lives because he didn't have one and needed me for that. I was in the relationship almost as long as you have been...and by now you are sooooo focused on his wants and needs and feelings that they may feel like yours and your reactions may not be from your own gut--more from his. NancyM-unbelievable story!!!!

#3 Jul 15 - 11AM

nonnie

Thanks so much for all of

Thanks so much for all of the support and advice! I did journaling a few years ago and have actually been thinking of it here and there but it just sounds sooo depressing and shameful! Besides Cognitive Dissonance, I just really don't want to remember most of the sh*t but I'm going to do it. I've got to get through it anyway, plus, it's gotta help me in not letting him hoover his way back in my house, right? What a bunch of f*cked-up evil trolls they are!!

#4 Jul 14 - 10PM

almostlydia

nonnie

I remember you're previous post a while back. You are fighting! Between the last and this post you have started the process of getting your life back even after all of these years. You are being strong and making your life an important part of the picture - finally! We all reach a breaking point eventually where it is time to do something or else there is just more of this until there is nothing left of us. It will be a struggle but you already made the first and biggest move - you got him out of the house. Next time he comes over, and there will be a next time, meet him outside and talk there. It tends to make the conversations shorter, and begins to separate him from YOUR house. If you haven't tried keeping a journal, please try it. I have been doing it for many years and have a large collection of those cheap composition notebooks I used to buy for the kids. There were so many days I spent hours writing and it felt so good to get it out there on paper. I started it just to keep up with all the lies he had told so as info surfaced I could match a date and a lie. But then it quickly evolved into my thoughts and my life. It helped me figure things out. There will be difficult days ahead but there is help here. You are not alone.

almostlydia

#5 Jul 14 - 9PM

NancyM

Actually coping with this

Actually coping with this for over 20 years tells me you are a very strong person. I think the best you can do now is try to understand the effects of cognitive dissonance and how selective memory works. Lisa has some recent posts and she explains it very well on Tuesdays blog talk radio show. I discovered some of it myself whole trying to work through my last relationships, and one of the things I found was that thing that were irrational and incomprehensible, I simply forgot. Every now and then, towards the end, there was one detail that was very significant in revealing who he was, but my mind kept forgetting it because I did not want to believe it to be true. If the memory even slightly surfaced, I had to almost force my mind to process it, and hold it in my active memory. I finally wrote it down, it was the only way I could keep it active. Now that I am all the way out, and detaching quite well, my mind actually gives up some of these memories at the oddest moments. Because I am not emotionally attaching to them, I almost find them laughable that I could not see what was really going on. This is one that surfaced recently that I completely forgot about. It came from my second relationship, and even after finding out about Ns I was not totally convinced that he was one. I think my mind is now throwing up these memories so I can finally lay them to rest. Anyway after we broke up...I left him, he rang me because a girl he had dated before me, had committed suicide. He asked me to come around so he could have a shoulder to cry on. I arrived at his house to find him sobbing on the couch, so of course I was very empathetic. After being there about 5 minutes, he said "You know what it was about her Nance?" I said "What's that N?" thinking I was about to hear something profound. He said "She was the only girl..sob sob..that could fit my whole c@*K in her mouth...waaahhhh" My brain made a noise that went "ZZZRRRIIIPPP hhfhwgewiut73tywdfgguygder344ty" could not process it and just told him I had to go now. Completely forgot about it because it was just too out there to get my head around. I suppose the point I am trying to make is that our minds do not want, or even try to process stuff that is incomprehensible, so we push it to the back of our memories. However the memories are still there until we are ready to process them. Best of luck...20 years+ is one hell of a chain to break.

Nevergoback

#6 Jul 15 - 12AM (Reply to #9)

loveofmylife

Nancy

OH.....MY.....GOD! sorry, but your brain noise did make for a good hearty laugh..... OMG>.....these guys are truly unbelievable! I can't believe he said that! No wonder your brain blacked it out. This is not something that a normal human being could process and actually make sense out of. Good lord.

#7 Jul 15 - 5PM (Reply to #10)

ShaynasMommy

Yup....

these A-holes are 100% Certifiably deranged...

#8 Jul 15 - 12AM (Reply to #8)

Lisa E. Scott

Nancy

OMG! "Anyway after we broke up...I left him, he rang me because a girl he had dated before me, had committed suicide. He asked me to come around so he could have a shoulder to cry on. I arrived at his house to find him sobbing on the couch, so of course I was very empathetic. After being there about 5 minutes, he said "You know what it was about her Nance?" I said "What's that N?" thinking I was about to hear something profound. He said "She was the only girl..sob sob..that could fit my whole c@*K in her mouth...waaahhhh"" OMG!!! He said this to you after you came over to console him?!! And we question whether we need to deprogram from them?!@#$! Not you, specifically. "We" (in general). I know I questioned it.

#9 Jul 14 - 10PM (Reply to #7)

nolongerafixer

NancyM

"ZZZRRRIIIPPP hhfhwgewiut73tywdfgguygder344ty" Excellent......you made me laugh..... such a good way to describe how befuddled our brains become with some of the things they come out with or do! Exactly that! The brain cannot process their abnormal way of thinking or behaviour. That`s why it takes a while to deprogramme after leaving them.

#10 Jul 14 - 9PM (Reply to #6)

Steph

OMG!

I can't believe that he said that!! I got a chill reading that his previous girlfriend comitted suicide.....I am sure the narc played a role in her emotional instability leading her to end her life:(

#11 Jul 14 - 8PM

Janet

You have been so strong. I

You have been so strong. I have found that writing down the abuses has been helpful in my struggle to put it all in perspective. Time away from the continued manipulation has been so helpful. The N/P I was with ended it very cruelly with me and is now living with a new victim, he has not tried to contact me and that, while difficult to accept, has made it easier. You are the one who needs to maintain that distance and that is difficult. Your son telling him that you have both had enough was very good and I am guessing that he will also he a source of strength. Peace. J

Peace. J

#12 Jul 14 - 6PM

awayfromhim

You will get the strength.

You will get the strength. Continue in therapy and eventually you will do what you need to do without second guessing yourself. I was married to an N for 30 years. What happened with the memories of the physical abuse, for me, is that they all kinda ran together. My therapist had asked me once to tell her about a specific instance and I had to sit there for a minute or so to gather the thoughts together because there were so many instances that they all just kinda fell in a heap in my brain. I thought of always running to the bathroom to get away from him but yet I couldn't get the EXACT instance verbalized. It was hard. With the emotional part of the abuse, the brainwashing, etc., that is also difficult to get exact with at times because I was conditioned to deny the existence of the abuse. May not make sense the way I'm putting it but when you KNOW you've been gaslighted but the gaslighter is wholeheartedly telling you that you haven't been, it's a confusing, horrific squash of what your reality is. I walked around in a consistent state of confusion. It is only through almost two years of therapy that I can see what he did, have that knowledge, and work to recover.

#13 Jul 14 - 3PM

Lisa E. Scott

Nonnie

First of all, congratulations for being so strong and putting your foot down with this man who has abused you for 20 years. I'm glad you're starting to post as well and you're right, we can't be perfect with NC - we hope to eventually, but in the beginning, it's not rational to expect perfection, it's about progress. You are doing well and should be very proud of yourself. It's not easy, but you will get more clarity soon. The reason you're having trouble remembering the bad is because of Cognitive Dissonance and Selective Memory, which I posted about yesterday under (what we need to move on). Keep up the good work and know we are here for you. xoxo

#14 Jul 15 - 1PM (Reply to #2)

Mariline

thanks

Thank to you all. This message board has saved me countless times. And it did once again. I do the same, I forget everything and I remember only that sad look in his eyes like a cocker spaniel under the rain......and I keep forgetting the overwhelming sense of oppression and all I had to endure. Thank you. Really.

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