A's goodbye, God spead, to me

Goodbye, Hina. I know that from the day we met, I kept promising you that I would never hurt you. That I recognized your vulnerability, your good nature, that you would do anything to please me and that you had been hurt before - and I promised you on a bi-weekly basis that I would not be the loser boyfriend. I told you that thank God you met me now, and not even a year ago. Because I was that guy, who would use and abuse women. Devalue and discard. I knew this. That I was this way. I told you that I wanted to change, which is why I was fighting so hard with you - because I wanted to make that change so badly with you. And thank God that I was a changed man when we met - which is why you would be in safe hands. Because if you had met the old me - I would have destroyed you . . . . . . . . . . . Oh. Yeah. Um. Well. Oops. You know all that stuff I said about being a bad guy? About treating women like garbage? And how I had changed? Well, the thing is, I know I am a bad guy and in an ideal world wouldn't be great if I could change? Well, I am sorry but I can't. Or at least I don't want to. Or whatever - what difference does it make? The fact of the matter is that this is who I am. A miserable, diseased, entitled, yet totally insecure, degenerate, piece of trash and horrible human being. I treat my own mother like crap - who the hell are you? I am good for no one. I am not even good to myself. Why do you think that I suffer from colitis? It is an auto immune disease and my immune system is poor because of all the negative stress and energy which flows within me. Either that or it is God's way of punishing me. I know we come from the same religious back ground - which is one of the things that attracted you to me, but come on. I don't believe in anything. I don't have a value a system. And morals? What are they? Why should I not be able to do whatever it is I want to do? Just because other people will get hurt? Screw them! I don't care about them! I don't care about anyone except myself - how they feel or the damage they suffer after knowing me is their problem, not mine. I have conditioned myself to never feel any emotion. That is why I am strong and everyone else is weak. Why should their weakness be my problem?

Ok fine, I will admit this to you because this is our final goodbye so may as well. I am not really that strong. I am actually really insecure. I am short in a world of tall muscular good looking men. You know, the kind you were used to dating before you decided to settle for me. I still can't figure that one out - which is what made me hate you and dis respect you to be honest. Why did you settle for me? I know what I am. I am below average looking. I thought that I was so ugly that I had a nose job. The kids at school would make fun of my last name, so I had it changed as an adult - so now I share my name with that of a Turkish celebrity - even though I will never be well known or admired, but maybe if I have his name people will think of him when they think of me. I am not educated. I don't have a great career ahead of me. I mean I could, I still work for a good company and if I worked hard and was serious and dedicated I could go places - but come on, that isn't me. Why should I have to work hard - it should be handed to me. And besides, I probably wouldn't be good enough anyway. Life isn't fair on losers like me. I know my worth and where I belong. This is why I live in a below average flat - I don't belong in a nice building like the one you live in. This is why I never stayed in nice hotels or went to fancy restaurants before I met you. Also because I am extremely cheap and money minded - but I know that I don't belong there. I can't exist in the world of the sophisticated, educated, accomplished, well spoken, well mannered, beautiful people. I can't. Because I am gutter trash.

Which is why I was so fascinated with you when we met and I chased you so hard. I know you tried to stop talking to me literally every week during the first month that we knew each other because you were not fully attached yet and as much as I tried to hide my bad behavior, I couldn't fully and you were recognizing that I wasn't good enough for you. But I have never had anyone like you. I usually date even below myself. I showed you the pictures of my ex-es. This is also why I go for women 20 years my senior or married women - because they are despearate and easy and even thank me for having sex with them because they are already so broken down that they feel like they have no other option. But you - you were never going to thank me for being with you. Are you kidding? You were way out of my league. I should have been thanking you for injecting some class into my life and for doing as much as you did and for loving me - someone like you who could have anyone you wanted - you wanted me. I am not even well. I may lose my entire colon in the next 5-10 years and will have a poop bag attached to me for the rest of my life. I will literally be shit on two legs walking around. My inside will become my outside reality. We both know that you deserve more than shit, and shit is all I have to offer.

But can you really blame me? Look at my family and upbringing. Talk about disaster. My father was abusive to my mother. My siblings are all welfare cases with multiple children from various partners all out of wedlock. I witnesses fighting and my mother be constantly beat down emotionally and grew up in a house where there was no respect. I spent the night in jail after my sister called the police on me for domestic violence which was her fault (or so I say). But can you blame her? I caused her divorce by threatening her husband's life and forbidding him to immigrate with her back home. She doesn't talk to me anyway, I will probably never see her again. Its ok - like I said to once when you asked about her - I forgot that I even had a sister. My father has nothing to do with me either, probably because I encouraged my mom to leave him and caused their divorce. You only know my side of the story of what really happened there. He was abusive anyway. I was able to convince my mom to leave my dad and lose the family home, which now has been sold and dismantled, by promising to take care of her. Which I do, she lives with me. And I have a very strange relationship with her. She lives with me and my world revolves around her and I keep saying how I feel like she doesn't love me or acknoweldge me or anything, but at the same time I have zero respect for her and am always angry at her. Yet every time she calls I drop whatever I am doing, even if I was with you, and have to take her call because I am at her beck and call. But I despise her and blame her for everything wrong with my life. Oh man - talk about all kinds of messed up and oedipus complex issues! Freud would have loved me!

I could go on and on by why I am as messed up as I am. And what really goes on inside my head. But honestly, I am such a miserable lost soul. I don't even understand half of it. Maybe that is why I let you go after only 4 months, whereas my other ex girlfriend I had for years. And I was engaged twice before and I lived with so many other women before too. But with you, you were so reluctant to give up all of your freedom after knowing me for just a few months and I could see that because you are not the low class and uneducated and low self esteem woman like I am used to dating - I knew you would be difficult to control. So I tore you down instead. Devastated your self esteem and broke you heart - just because I wanted to see if I could. And honestly - thank you - thank you for being so out of my league yet loving me as much as you did because you made it easy for me. And man did I feel like something - like superman knowing that I could do this to someone of your caliber. Don't worry, I know you were the best I ever had and the best I probably will ever have (because I will never be happy and setled like a normal person because I am incapable). But the short ride with you sure was fun for me. Again, as stated above - if you have weak emotions and feelings then that has nothing to do with me. That isn't my fault.

Look - you are an amazing girl. The truth is - I can never really be with anyone. Because I am an evil and miserable man. And if I will end up someone semi long term, because I can't handle being alone, I will find another bottom feeder like myself. That way I won't feel even more insecure about myself. That way I will be able to easily control and manipulate and this poor soul will worship me because she will be worse off than even I am.

I admit - that I really should not have come into your life. I was being very selfish because I knew that I was only going to end up hurting, no destroying you. I did it because you were something so different for me and it was fun. Ok so you got hurt in the process. You will get over it. Let's be honest - you wouldn't have been happy with me. I only brought you down. It is only a matter of time before you detox yourself from me and go back to being the amazing and happy and confident girl you were when we first met and you end up with some man who has everything that I don't. And I know my place in the story of your life - I will become some joke character eventually, the "what was I thinking" guy. And after a while I may not even be significant enough to be that. Where as you - well if I was ever to magically become normal for even a second, I would acknowledge, that you were truly the one that got away. And consider it my personal favor to you - that I let you escape because now you have a chance. Where as I am doomed.