Got a text today after the NO WORDS email

13 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Jun 3 - 4PM
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

Got a text today after the NO WORDS email

Today, Fri, I received a text:
"How r u doing??"
I had texted him on Tues:
"Ex N, 2 deaths in family, I recovered from bad fall (ER call), go to NY soon.
I thought you'd want to know"
I got his email forwarded interview on Wed which I did not reply to.
What now, did I solicit his support by informing him of the deaths? I doubt he wants to talk since he has not called me in over 6 months.
Is this possible sincere concern? or just guilt that he knows I am alone dealing with hard stuff?
He is a family oriented (NOT with me, with his own) so maybe death in family actually makes him feel something?
I am not over him yet so I know all communications are potentially dangerous - not what about in times of death??
Remember when I was in emergency a month ago after serious fall? he did not respond then...
When I read his interview I missed him...even though he is a bad news simpleton

Jun 4 - 2AM
dudette
dudette's picture

In my view

He is pissed off that you did not reply to the last email he sent you ton congratulate him on his interview Cos it's all about him right? Just he wants to check out that you are on a position to give him feedback on that and how dare you not respond? Be strong - NC
Jun 3 - 9PM
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

I think we should

I think we should note...again...it's not that he doesn't care about YOU. He doesn't care about ANYBODY. LOL Seriously. I had one of those lightbulb moments today, for some reason, the pain of the narc relationship was on my mind this week. And everything sort of came together. It's not us, that they don't care about. It's really and truly all people. They only care about themselves. And that's it. So, when we fail to meet their never ending needs anymore, they either dump us, or escalate the verbal abuse (like in my case) And then you either have to wait to be dumped...or dump them, as I chose. But, it's important to note. HE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT HOW HE LOOKS TO YOU, IFINALLYGOTIT. There's a far more selfish motive behind him reaching out. They are all or nothing kind of people. They don't show love part of the time, and then not. No...when they 'showed' love...it was an act. To lure us in. Because they don't truly care about others. They only do things, positive or negative, for it to benefit them. So, no more analyzing. When you get these texts. Just know...ANY TEXT IS ABOUT HIM GETTING SOMETHING FROM YOU. Because he only cares about himself. Can they love? I think they can, but again. They view love as us meeting a set of their neverending needs, and if they never end...then how can we ever truly love them? (in their heads) So they go on searching for the next 'love.' But, they'll never find it, because love to them, is when a woman drops herself to be his slave. That to them is love. Hope that makes sense, and helps.
Jun 3 - 10PM (Reply to #11)
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

thanks Deirdre40

I do really get that he does not care about me. But I HAVE seen him care about others. He is WAY over bonded to his family and his "boys" (the brethren). He will do anything for them. But a love relationship - NO. He can't bear to be a bad guy so I think the communication is for him, to help him feel he is not bad... Yes, the over analyzing sucks, but it took deaths to hear from him - its been maybe 7 months so of course I am noticing it...
Jun 3 - 8PM
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

Thanks all

After reflecting, i think the text is to "appear" like a decent caring human being. He probably realized the NO WORDS text is an uncool way to check in... I Just feel really bad that he is like this, but yes, I do accept the truth that he does not care. This type of text is typical for him. He sent the exact same one in December a minute after I texted him that I was doing better accepting life's changes (meaning him disappearing and dumping me silently). My sister is doing pretty well (after losing her husband) and I will see her soon - I think being alone with everything does make you vulnerable...She has great support and lots of friends and does not need to work all summer... I do not think my ex N wants to mess with me - I think he just is trying to do whatever you are supposed to do when someone loses family - and its not an interview about yourself
Jun 3 - 7PM
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

Something that is important

Something that is important to really REALLY understand about these types...IT'S ALL ABOUT THEM. As Lisa so poignantly states as her book title. :=) But, it's true. They don't CARE about others. Not you. Not me. Not their parents. Not friends. Not coworkers. THEY ONLY CARE ABOUT THEMSELVES. PERIOD. That is the disorder right there. All the rest--the hoovering, the gaslighting, etc etc...is all fluff. But the heart of the disorder is...they only care about themselves. So, going with that...you have to ask...what would his motivation be for reaching out to you? It's not because he cares about you. There is good news in that, because it's not you. It's not personal to you. He doesn't care ABOUT ANYBODY BUT HIMSELF. Truthfully. So, all actions they take...seemingly nice, or horrific, they all do them with an end result in mind to somehow benefit them. So...his reaching out to you is most likely, because he wants your attention--FOR SOME REASON. Could be bored. Could need supply. That part doesn't matter. What matters is that we all understand...these people don't care about others. Not just us they lack empathy with. They only care about themselves. Which is WHY they go silent, whenever they feel like it. Which is why they resurrect whenever they feel like it. It suits him to be silent, he does it. If it suits him to text you, he does it. I refuse to give a shit anymore as to the reasons behind all the head games. All I know is that I don't want someone in my life to call me his bf, if he doesn't care about me at all. So, think about all of that before responding to him. Think about that, when you miss him. He doesn't care about you. Not because it's YOU. It's because that is his disorder. He cares for NO ONE BUT HIMSELF. Hope this helps, and hope your weekend gets better for you!!
Jun 3 - 6PM
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

Ifinallygotit

It seems like since you still care for him so much, you are putting heavy weight onto his text, he has no caring for you or the fact 2 of your relatives died, he just doesn't care , i hope sometime you come to that realization,he is probably trying to bait you for who knows why. I think the important thing for you to wrap your head around is he cares ONLY for himself, like he never called you when you went to the ER, that is pretty uncaring in my book, and you will never have a real honest to goodness relationship that you seek with him.
Jun 3 - 5PM
enpsychopedia r... (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Ifinallygotit

Just off the top of my head I'd say that "How r you doing??" is morbidly inappropriate considering the circumstances. Forget the flowers, the long sympathetic phone calls, taking the first jet to your place to console you, as a friend, even. Instead the dude doesn't even give you complete words in a short sentence. You get-- How "r" you doing?-- WTF is that? In my opinion he completely doesn't care. Completely. He's trying to maintain his idea of himself as something just slightly kinder than an axe murderer, or he wouldn't have responded at all. I know exactly (well, maybe not quite) how you feel and would love to think my psychopath/covert narc even thinks about me now and then. I had to almost slap myself across the face a few months back just to try to wake myself up. Damn it's hard. They just don't care, not for you, nor for anyone else--not in any appreciable way. You deserve so much more, so much better. His feelings about you are no reflection of your true worth. They are a symptom of his personality defect. You'll eventually quit missing him and come to be truly repulsed by him. I'm getting there but I was only with my silver tongued psychopath for 18 months, so it's somewhat easier. Keep plugging away and don't blame yourself for having a tough time getting over the slimeball. Blame him. Blame him for everything. It's all about him, remember? ER
Jun 3 - 5PM
LilithErisRose
LilithErisRose's picture

He's looking for a crack in

He's looking for a crack in your facade. Don't reply. As much as it may hurt.... don't.
Jun 3 - 4PM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

Ifinallygotit, No! He see's

Ifinallygotit, No! He see's you are vulnerable! Do not under any circumstance believe it is anything other than that! Please stay strong! If you fall to this, he has you in his grasp again. They are cunning, and prey on the weak and vulnerable. Be safe..........please!
Jun 3 - 9PM (Reply to #4)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

sparrow nailed it!

BINGO. I hate to be such a cynic. But, they don't care about anyone. Let alone people who have died. How do I know this. When I was dating the N...his sister miscarried a baby. He told it to me as though, she lost $20 or something. No emotion. I said...oh, I feel so bad for her. And he was like...yeah, well...what can ya do. And then he said something his mom said. And then, he moved on to the next topic. Like flat, and not unemotional. Looking back...it was like the topic bothered him. Like he couldn't be bothered to be sad for his own sister. They're really not well people.
Jun 3 - 4PM (Reply to #2)
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

Mine didn't speak to me for

Mine didn't speak to me for weeks.......when he found out I had to put my Mother into a nursing home, he swooped in and was my emotional rescue! What a dreamboat.......all the while chatting with others on match.com This CAN NOT continue to happen if you want to heal. girls? Am I right?
Jun 4 - 6AM (Reply to #3)
victimnomore
victimnomore's picture

Sparrow/ifinallygotit

Yes Sparrow you are right. the only way to heal is to go completely NC with them. Otherwise yo will drive yourself crazy trying to figure the out. Focus on yourself and you will heal much faster. They do not care about anyone. The stbxn/p that I am married to walked away from a 25 year marriage and children and grandchildren. they are selfish and childish. He thought he would e able to just come back home when his new relationship fall apart but not this time. He is blocked completely out of my life and no matter how hard he tries he cannot contact me because everything is blocked. Even my heart. I know how hard it is to delete them out of your life but it is necessary for your healing. peace!

victimnomore