Hard time...angry at myself!

11 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Jan 27 - 6PM
star17
star17's picture

Hard time...angry at myself!

I don't know why i know the rule contact=pain...i just am having a hard time with no closure...the last i heard his voice was one month ago...i did good and didn't call for 2 weeks and then i saw it...the dreaded bait on fb...i'm smarter than that and i knew what he was doing but for the life of me i can't understand why i even look! i deactivated my account but still peak through a friends account and it's just stupid...why do we torture ourselves?! i caved and after 2 weeks of not calling i called...got ignored so i called some more...his trap worked...for someone who says he wants me better and stronger and back to the girl he used to love he sure knows how to hurt me...i am sitting here back at square one and just so sad inside. i feel overwhelmed again...how am i going to do this?! i mean i know how but the way i feel right now i just am so tired of starting over...i'm so angry at myself! i just wanted to say what i needed to so i could be ok...instead i made it worse on myself while he is off enjoying another weekend with his new girlfriend...i feel so stupid! thanks for listening and letting me vent...hugs!

Jan 28 - 11AM
star17
star17's picture

Thanks to all for your kind

Thanks to all for your kind words and support! I keep reminding myself that it's not the end of the world but it just kills me that i went 2 weeks and then broke it only to be ignored. I know i shouldn't have called but i swear it's like something comes over me and i just have to get it out to find closure but i know i will never get it. I know he isn't good for me but you know that feeling of "has he changed for her now?!" i guess it's just my fear that he is treating her so great and that's why i am being ignored now...stupid i know.
Jan 28 - 12PM (Reply to #10)
Snowflake
Snowflake's picture

Hon

I know because your ego takes a hit too, you feel dumped like garbage and its tough. But you know it wont be long before he is exactly the same with this new one.. You will NEVER get closure, you need to find it within..I tried that and he was either awful to me or trying for the next shag. The questions I asked were either answered with nastiness/sarcasm or ignored.... Every single one of us here has prob been treated like that at some stage...and hey we are a great bunch of intelligent beautiful girls so dont feel bad, come join the party just dont do it again ..OR ELSE!!! (smiling x x)
Jan 28 - 8AM
Anonymus
Anonymus's picture

Dude, I totally get this...

I've had 2 N experiences, neither with good results. The last N I thought was the man I wanted to marry and have kids with. Fuck... we were going to get married!!!! And I never believed in marriage until he came around!!! He let me down in every possible way, and after the breakup I'm guessing he's moved on to OW since I haven't been contacted, and yes, I still miss him some times and crave to know how he's been. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY???????? I recently got the answer to that question: it's because what you felt was real. Yes, you loved a man who turned out to be the opposite of what you thought he was. But what YOU felt was REAL!!! The N however cannot feel, so he moves on easily. Bottom line: Don't get mad at yourself for your behaviour. You would be a Narc if you forgot about him overnight. Accept that you loved, and still miss what you loved, because it makes you HUMANE, but mainly, because those feeling are a part of you and they deserve to be embraced. Don't let him take your humanity and your appreciation towards yourself too. Huge hug and hang on!!! C
Jan 27 - 9PM
NarcJunkie
NarcJunkie's picture

Don't beat yourself up over it

you're a caring human being and you have normal reactions... he's the sicko who gets off on childish power games. Seriously, the only reason I succeed at NC is because he never tried to hoover me. And while a part of me is glad that he never tried because I already humiliated myself enough and continued to feed his ego after the split, another part is still grieving and trying to come to terms with the fact that I can never ever talk to him again. I don't peek on FB because he rarely posts there anyway. Sometimes I wish I could peek - because his new life is probably way less glamorous in reality than in my imagination. He's always pissed off or terrified for some reason.. never truly happy.
Jan 27 - 8PM
Stillstanding
Stillstanding's picture

I broke NC a week ago

I broke NC a week ago yesterday after finding out he's been avoiding gettin served child support papers therefore delaying the process. I took it as a a personal attack to my daughter therefore I called an cursed him out. Now i realize that for them supply is supply. Wether it's positive or negative feedback it fuels them. At first I hated myself for giving him more to thrive on. Then I realize one of the reasons why I'm in the predicament I'm in is because I have low self esteem. Talking down on me will only make me feel worse. I cut my self some slack and here I am one week later NC. Please do the same. You can fall off as many times but what matters is dusting yourself off, learning from your mistakes, and getting back on. Also what's helped me is accepting the fact that I will never receive closure from him. The way I receive closure is by reading about NPD and learning as much as I can.
Jan 27 - 8PM
juliamarie
juliamarie's picture

It's a process

You're going to step back into it a few times before you decide that you're tired of it I agree that you absolutely must be gentle with yourself and understand that you're not perfect. I HATE facebook. This needs to be your first order of business. Quit creeping :) I say that with love because I know how hard it is....but being involved in his life even if it's just lurking around is just going to bring on more pain. This is the time to be focused on YOU. You are the most important person in this equation. Every time you feel tempted to call, lurk, creep, text....think...is this what is best for me? How is this action going to benefit me in any way? If he has a girlfriend, you are not going to get the reaction you want from him. It's going to be painful every time he rejects you. Dig deep...you have the power within you to be strong. Don't beat yourself up when you stumble, but don't let yourself wallow in it either. I'm a big fan of designating a period of time in which I am going to be sad, cry, wallow in bed, throw things....maybe a day...maybe a week....then, you have to decide you love yourself enough to put yourself back together and move forward. You can do this because you deserve better. He moved on...you will as well. But calling him just makes him feel important. And we both know he's not.
Jan 27 - 6PM
drcrnp
drcrnp's picture

Part of the formula is to be

Part of the formula is to be gentle to yourself, kind and forgiving, accepting of your weaknesses and vulnerabilities. Most of us have "failed" at NC at one time or another. It is not productive, and it hampers our progress, but it is not a capital crime. Look ahead, not back. Love that good person, who is YOU.
Jan 27 - 7PM (Reply to #2)
star17
star17's picture

Thank you! I appreciate the

Thank you! I appreciate the support...i'm just angry because i went 2 weeks with nothing and i was feeling so good and then i let him get to me and the worst part is he ignored me...that is what he does to punish me for not calling even though he says he wants me out of his life...i just wish i wasn't so confused and screwed up but i guess being his emotional punching bag all this time has really taken it's toll...i imagine him with his new gf just laughing at me as i call and it just hurts...why do i do it to myself then! so stupid!
Jan 28 - 6AM (Reply to #3)
HelpMeHeal
HelpMeHeal's picture

Most of us on here failed

Most of us on here failed once or twice during the initial NC. You'll get the hang of it, and PLEASE do not worry about the new girl laughing at your expense. She'll be devalued soon enough, and her sadness will begin.
Jan 28 - 7AM (Reply to #4)
Snowflake
Snowflake's picture

Star

I know how you feel totally, ok you broke the NC so lets turn it around and use it as a positive, his reaction showed you that he is still a dick right? We all so want to 'try once more' hope that we are wrong, that he will suddenly turn into Knight in shining armour..but truth is dick in tin foil...who said that I still laugh when I think about it :) Now how many times do you need to reinforce or are you going to accept now that the person you fell for is an illusion? As for the new girl..well we know whats coming... Big hugs I know its hard, look at some of my fucked up posts, you just have to dig deep and tell yourself you are better than that, there is a nice guy around the corner if you are prepared to walk around it x