The Haunting

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#1 Dec 6 - 3PM
lostgirl
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The Haunting

I'm still a fresh fish currently with my narc, and by that I mean it's only been since Thanksgiving that I went NC. There were three failed attempts previously, but that was before I learned what he really was. I've had no desire to contact him since. (though I secretly still want him to contact me. I hope that fades soon..)

The thing is, I'm haunted. I'm haunted by the man I thought he was. My head knows he (the good guy, the charmer, the man with the warm eyes) doesn't exist, but my heart is searching in vein. And along with the search comes the emptiness. It's been following me like a ghost, and sits as a heavy feeling just about the center of my chest almost in my stomach. It slides back and forth like a lump of misery.

I do my work, I go jogging, I try to smile at the Christmas lights, but the haunting continues on.

Since my explosive collision with the narc was a mere month ago, the movie reels of the experience are fresh and clear in my head. I try to block them, but they fight hard to continue playing. And tears almost always follow the front row seat events.

The words he said... I can still hear them in his xxxxx accent: that we were two sides of the same coin, that we would 'make this work'. He even addressed my name with his last name, saying he wanted to write our names over and over. The road trips we were going to take xxxxxxx Oh my soul swallowed it all whole like a starving child. I had never felt so alive.

My heart is clinging onto those words still for dear life. Not knowing they were all a lie.

I guess I should just continue on, taking one step in front of the other, and try to ignore the haunting. And hope that it loses grip a bit more, inch by inch, day by day.

I've read everything I can, tried to get out, talked until various people are tired of listening. Tried watching funny shows, but nothing is working.

I wish to God I'd never met him. I wish I could go back to the naive person I was before he did irreversible damage to my mind and soul. He did it like a surgeon; oh he was so skilled with that scalpel. A trickster and soul-thief in the night. I used to be happy being alone. Now I feel restless.

I've been trying to date too, but no one is attractive to me, or exciting. It's that famous song isn't it? "Nothing compares to you." It's like dating the devil, getting horribly burned and excited, your mind blown fantastically to shreds. Then on your next date, you keep checking if the new guy has horns, too. Secretly hoping for similarities, even though the idea simultaneously makes you sick inside.

It's so confusing isn't it?

I'm still attracted to someone who cares nothing for me. To someone who was cruel, cold, and took pleasure. Why is that? I don't want to be attracted to him. I want him to be about as attractive to me as a goat.

I haven't had much in the way of experience, even at 37 because I've been waiting for 'the one'. So when I did go further than I planned. It was probably pure biology, science, chemistry. That's a huge part of what's so difficult. It was nothing to him, another way to exercise. He was horrible. but by god it was exciting because it was all new to me, and it was someone I cared about. Ugh.

And all the while, in the back of my mind, I know I'm but a speck of dust in his mind. A mere blip in his life that's already been forgotten and replaced by the next conquest, while he has me desperately posting, reading books and crying. It's a painful thought..one of many that I try to shove out of my mind as soon as it does its usual, daily breaking and entering.

Anyways, what are other people doing to let go, and get rid of the haunting? How much easier does it get as time goes by? It seems to be similar to ocean waves, an ebb and flow. One moment I feel out of the darkness, the next I'm sucked back in with no rhyme or reason and I'm left wondering what I did wrong to cause the steps back.

This truly is a new form of emotional pain and it's quite frightening.

I miss the good guy so much. He was incredible. But alas, too good to be true.

Dec 7 - 4PM
Skeeterina71
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To be honest

Dec 7 - 5AM
Snowflake
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It takes time for that sick

Dec 7 - 7AM (Reply to #13)
lostgirl
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Thanks so much Snowflake for

Dec 7 - 4AM
spinning
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Dear Lost Girl...

spinning

Dec 7 - 8AM (Reply to #11)
lostgirl
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Hi Spinning, thanks so much

Dec 7 - 7AM (Reply to #9)
Used
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spinning

Dec 7 - 10AM (Reply to #10)
Goldie
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Yes, Spinning, Awesom response to Lostgirl

Dec 6 - 4PM
Katiep
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All I can say is to keep

Dec 7 - 8AM (Reply to #7)
lostgirl
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Thanks Kat! I will

Dec 7 - 5AM (Reply to #4)
talktothehand
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Mrs Narcopath

Dec 7 - 8AM (Reply to #5)
lostgirl
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Talk, Ugh ugh ugh! Yeah it's

Dec 7 - 8AM (Reply to #6)
talktothehand
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Lostgirl

Dec 6 - 4PM
Butterflystar
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Does He Remind You of Someone You Know

Dec 7 - 8AM (Reply to #2)
lostgirl
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Thanks, Butterflystar, yes