He Haunts Me

44 posts / 0 new
Last post
Sep 22 - 11AM (Reply to #8)
Winter's picture

Ally, I have a question

Did it happen immediately or progressively? Have you experience the relapses? Or one day he just disappeared from you mind forever? Can you recall? For how long have you been NC before it happened? Thank you for sharing your experience.
Sep 22 - 3PM (Reply to #9)
ally2375's picture

Immediate? I WISH!

Oh, it DEFINITELY didn't happen immediately! For context, I've been NC about a year, and haven't seen my ex for about nine months (we worked together, hence the difference.) Here's the basic timeline: Months 1-4: Tried to figure out the NC thing. I needed to be professional at work, but he played LOTS of mind games during this time, making it difficult. I started therapy because I thought I was going crazy (literally). The therapist told me he was a Narcissist. I started reading about narcissism, which was how I found this board. Month 4-5: He moved cross country over the Christmas holiday. He kept it quiet at work, which was weird (there were only ~20 people in the office at that time) and no one knew until he was just gone when we returned from holiday. I blocked him from every account I could think of except Facebook (because I didn’t want to go to his page) and text (because I didn’t want to change my number or pay $5 a month to block). He kept sending texts and emailed a couple of apologies via Facebook. I ignored it, figuring he would give up when he realized I wasn’t going to respond. Month 6-8: My therapist told me that Ex was a smokescreen for the REAL issue. She said he likely tapped into a deeper, older wound, and that's what we needed to focus on. So, I forced myself to dig deeper. It was hard and seriously sucked. At first, I wasn’t sure it was the way to go because I actually felt WORSE. Month 9: I woke up FURIOUS one day for no discernable reason. It was the first time I had actually gotten angry, so I was actually glad about that! I emailed Goldie and asked her to block him from my Facebook account (bless her for being there) and called AT&T to have his number blocked. He had been sending texts consistently every couple of weeks since he left town. Again, I had NEVER responded to ANY of them. Month 10-present: Blissful silence! My reasons for not blocking him from the start weren’t emotional, but I wish I had done this the first day. No single thing I’ve done has been as healing as closing that door firmly and permanently. I no longer jump for the phone like a crack addict every time I get a text message or IM. I still think about him, but I stick around here to help others; I’m no longer looking for answers. I’m not exactly indifferent, but I can confidently say that there’s nothing he could do to ever persuade me to take him back. So there you go. I know this was long, but it was the kind of thing I wish I could have read when I was in the early weeks. It feels like the hurt will never heal. It’s exhausting. But I’ve worked hard to be where I am today and I’m so grateful to be here. My life is better than it’s ever been and I’m more confident than I’ve ever been. My friendships have deepened, my relationships with my mom and brother have grown, and I’ve worked through a lot of issues that were getting in my way. It’s a TOUGH road, but for me, totally worth it.
Sep 24 - 5AM (Reply to #14)
freaked's picture

ally2375, gosh you have

ally2375, gosh you have brought to light so many things that were bothering me. I cannot afford a therapist, so am grateful for this forum and because NH is still allowing internet connectivity for me. i am also strongly feeling that it is deepset traumas of childhood that are being opened after my narc husband cheated on me. the insecurity...comes from my wretched childhood.. and just obviously got aggravated after marriage. can i really blame it all on my husband...even if he has the PD? when i know deep in my heart that the deepest cut came in my childhood...when i realised that my father thought of me as an unpaid servant/cook...and so did my brothers. for the first few years in my marriage i really was deliriously pleased because i had a house to myself...a kitchen to myself...and a hubby to myself...but predictably all good things have to come to an end...and it did when i realised that he really didnt have emotional ties with me...the loneliness which was always a part of my life...now got intensified.
Sep 24 - 10PM (Reply to #15)
ally2375's picture


I'm glad the timeline helped a bit. I so wish I had known that it would take awhile before I started to feel better. I thought that cutting the ex loose was the hard part, when in truth it was just the beginning. I'm sorry that you can't afford a therapist, because mine was such a help to me. The good news is that there are SO many other resources out there. For me, I read a lot. I read the DSM, books on PDs, books on sensitivity, emotions, you name it. I can't tell you how much it helped me. "can i really blame it all on my husband...even if he has the PD?" That's a dangerous question. Personally, I don't think it's all or nothing. You may want to do what I did, and examine why you stayed in a relationship past it's expiration date. BUT, be very careful not to assume responsibility for what your HUSBAND did. He cheated, and that inflicts a serious wound. You are not to blame for that wound or for struggling to heal from it. It sounds like you're on the right path. This is a difficult process, but we are all here to help you. Ally
Sep 24 - 4AM (Reply to #12)
lillymarch's picture

Thank you!!

I needed that. I guess I'm not really doing the MC. I'm overboard. I must find a way to have NC and still be able to deal with the children and money issues. I'll figure this out. Thanks
Sep 24 - 10PM (Reply to #13)
ally2375's picture


Kids make it difficult, I'm sure! But, you will figure it out. Establishing some very clear boundaries may help - these guys seem compelled to violate any fuzzy lines!
Sep 22 - 4PM (Reply to #10)
Winter's picture

Thank you so much!

Thank you so much, Ally, for your clear and detailed answer. Yes, it is definitely very helpful for me and for those of us, who are in the earlier stage of recovery. I have been NC for 3.5 months. Un-friended him on msn and not snooping for about 2 weeks. At the same time I started truly realize I was in a relationship with a narc. Then, I “faced’ my own dipper big issue. And then it felt worse, exactly like you wrote. Your answer did bring me the comfort. Thank you so much again! Winter
Sep 24 - 10PM (Reply to #11)
ally2375's picture


You sound really strong! If it helps, I only felt worse for a short time. Once I saw that I was addressing the right issue, I started feeling better. It's only gotten better since; no more back and forth I had in the beginning. While I don't know the nature of your "big dipper" issue, if your path is on par with mine, the hardest part is behind you. :)
Sep 22 - 10AM
Winter's picture

Exactly the way I feel

And sometimes I am so hopeless that it will ever stop. I don't miss him, I don't want him back, I don't want him to contact me. NC is easy. All my wishes is for me getting him out of my head. Does anyone have a success story to tell us? Please, Winter
Sep 22 - 10AM
Susan32's picture

The Poltergeist

The ex-Psych (as in psychopath) prof would say that I haunted him... he'd say this after he had humiliated me in class, leaving me embarrassed and in tears after my grandfather died. In my junior year, he went to LA to be with his girlfriend (tho he didn't mention her by name, he simply said he was "with a friend"), and that there's a famous thoroughfare in Venice that reminded him of me because it's the same as my last name. He'd call me a poltergeist. Interestingly, not all poltergeists are connected with the dead. Some emanate from the living. Poltergeists have senses of humor and are unpredictable. All you have to do is stay out of their way sometimes!
Sep 22 - 9AM
Used's picture


yes, i do feel the same way, yet he is not even the first thing i think of now when i wake up...he used to be... i know i could go back to him...i dont want to...and yet he is with me all the time[its not b/c he lives near me]..i can watch a tv programme, nothing to do with him,then suddenly think, i bet he would like this...it just goes on and on....funny thing is, during one of his disappearences, after it when i took him back[again] he said to me YOU HAUNT ME...i said yeah right, he said he had seen one of my neighbours ,when he was out of town and thought ,where ever i go,whatever i do, i am reminded of her....i believe him.....
Sep 22 - 11AM (Reply to #2)
LucyL's picture

Im in the same boat- don't

Im in the same boat- don't want him back, find him creepy and want him to never contact me again. However, he's always in the back of my mind. Before I found out how bad he was and about narcs, the thoughts were sexual. Now they were replaced by thoughts of me trying to analyse and figure him out- like a therapist... How do we make it stop?
Sep 24 - 9PM (Reply to #3)
empath's picture

how to make it stop...

By taking the focus off them (as the N trained us to focus on them) and put the focus on ourselves, where it belongs. You have to retrain yourself in your thinking, and make a conscious effort to interrupt your habituated pattern of trying to "solve" the mystery of the N. Accept that trying to understand the N and how they could be so devoid of compassion, empathy and conscience is about as pointless as trying to imagine yourself without compassion, empathy and conscience. Break out of the cognitive dissonance by alllowing yourself permission to focus on other things for a change, like doing things that are positive and productive for yourself and eventually you will be free of that feeling of being haunted by the N and focused on the Ns needs. Focus on yourself, give the best of your time and energy and resources to yourself...that is not being selfish or N-like, that is being healthy again, as you hopefully were before you met the N. It is pointless to so end more time on the N or thinking about the N...they will not and cannot change. You can change though, so work towards that worthy goal instead.