1. Home
  2. Forums
  3. Narcissist Forums
  4. The Path Forward Forum
  5. He said he is seeking help

He said he is seeking help

11 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Nov 14 - 6AM
Scoop
Scoop's picture

He said he is seeking help

My narc has contacted by email (although i said dont that doesnt register with him ) saying he is seeking counciling . He said he has been in denile for a long time and needs help .
I remember a post on here about how they stage their return and saying they need help is one of their tricks .
There is a very "nice girl " in me that wants to believe him .
I admit i wouldnt have thought for a hundred years he would admit to needing help , but i have it in black and white .
I have had 4 d&d , i cant have a 5th .
Any storys of your narcs saying they would get help and nothing happened . It may help to keep my "nice girl" in check .
Big Love
Scoop x

Nov 15 - 3PM
AnotherPath
AnotherPath's picture

at first

The first time I spoke with my exN after his final assault he called me and said that he was seeing a great therapist and that he realised he shouldn't have ignored me. He immediately went into one about me being on the defensive throughout the relationship then proceeded to tell me what he'd learnt was wrong with me since his therapy sessions. I don't suppose he let the therapist know he'd been abusing women all his life, and that he had a criminal record for assault and that he was a misogynist with a sex addiction. I didn't buy into it all lies lies lies and more lies. Two years later has proven to me that he hasn't changed in anyway, at all and never will. Keep your "nice girl" for a nice man not an abuser.

Ending the dance

Nov 15 - 3PM
Carolyn
Carolyn's picture

They can't change so there

They can't change so there is no place to go to get help. There is more and more clinical evidence that narcissists have a genetic problem and that they lack the same cellular development as normal people in the anterior lobe of their brain. they don't have a capability for emotional intelligence, they don't have sympathy and empathy, and they are who they are. Talk is cheap. You can't be with a person who devalues you and harms you emotionally because it is so bad for your physical health, your psycholigical health, and your emotional health. It is time for you to do NO CONTACT as all contact with naricissists is problematic. you are going into a better phase of your own life and will have new people and new experiences. You have to leave the past in the past and look forward to what is coming. The kindness you are showing is one of the attractions he has but he can't treat you with kindness so it is just another offer to dance his dance and suffer. Go dance with someone who is more fun! you deserve it.
Nov 14 - 1PM
Amazed
Amazed's picture

Getting help is just a plea to get you back

Scoop, the N will resort to whatever it takes to fool their victim. They will go to outrageous lengths. They do not care. He doesn't care about himself "getting better". He will not straighten up. Do not delay your healing. Do not read his emails. DO NOT TALK TO HIM AT WORK. LOOK AWAY. You are right. DO NOT EVER DATE ANYONE AT WORK,, as it always results in problems for especially the woman. Make it a no tolerance rule. They will try to outsmart you everytime, and get you under their thumb. It is ultimate sabotage of a woman's career. They do this sh---t intentionally. Be stronger. Do not speak with him. Do not look at him. I hope you can get into a new office!
Nov 14 - 10AM
Butterfly3572
Butterfly3572's picture

my two cents...don't fall for it

A true narcissist will TEMPORARILY change, do or say whatever it takes to keep you trapped in his web of lies and manipulation. Beware...he will appear to change but it will only last long enough to keep you around and make you think he has changed. Then, you will be right back where you started. In my opinion, it is better to let go now and deal with your loss (IN REALITY YOU WILL ONLY BE LOSING A BALL AND CHAIN HOLDING YOU DOWN). Good luck!
Nov 14 - 6AM
Ellen
Ellen's picture

Hi Scoop

Hi Scoop, 4 D&D's, it's a wonder you are still alive. I have had only once that i recognise. It was so awful there will be no chance i will go near again. It doesn't matter what he does with his life now it has to be away from me cos his problems are his and he has already done the hurt on me so that is it doomed. I guess he knew that when he did it. Who knows i may weaken if he came back saying he cared and knew he had done wrong........well he knows he has done wrong anyway but didn't worry at the time. I just have a big wall up for him now........nasty demon. How come you are talking with him? I am finding no contact really helpful to get some distance then i can't be tempted.
Nov 14 - 8AM (Reply to #2)
Scoop
Scoop's picture

He sent me an email , i cant

He sent me an email , i cant block emails on my system , NC is hard for me as in some capacity i have to work with him .Contact is kept to office work only , we share all the same friends too .A lesson for everyone never date friends or people you work with . I think that has been half my trouble in the aftermath , short of getting a whole new life i know i have to have some sort of contact with him , i am though making steps to increase my friend base playing in the band has really helped .He shares a house with my best girlfriend , sigh . In the summer it was so hard as there where partys and events i just couldnt go to .My girlfriend tells me he is going to France soon to look up a girl he met a couple of years ago so maybe he will stay . I can but hope he is such a bug , but still he is there in my heart ! "he knows he has done wrong anyway but didnt worry at the time " ..This is so true , why now all of a sudden can he see what he did was sick , did he fall over and bump his head and it all came clear ? Scoop x
Nov 14 - 11AM (Reply to #6)
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Scoop - Don't fall for it

Your N will say anything to get you back, even for a little while. It's power & control. All abusers promise reform. But, once he has you back . . . there will be hell to pay. He will punish you for getting away once. If threats & intimidation worked in the past, he's got to increase the dose because you obviously slipped the leash. He'll try to prevent that from happening again. Only N sets his dog free when he's finished, not vice versa. And, honestly. No contact is the best course. He's sending you messages through your girlfriend. And at work, you have to be nice. Really, how can you heal when you are still keeping a secret what you suffered? You cannot tell these people the truth. Abuse & trauma make the listener take sides. They have to take sides in such a situation. It's easier for these people to stay with N because he asks them to do what is easier, not to take sides & to not be involved. And if a person knows the truth about what he did & is still friends with N -- sorry -- this person is no friend of your's. Let him go to France. Where ever. Interesting how this implant of his seeking another is shortly followed by an e-mail being nice & asking for forgiveness? He will continue to manipulate you. If you can't block his e-mails, then ignore them. Starve the vampire. However, you still read them & are upset. You need to get as far away as possible. He will always draw you into his web until he decides that you are no longer of some use to him. Oh. BTW. You may think he has "hit on the truth" about how sick he was . . . he has not hit on the truth. He's a parrot saying hollow & empty words . . . an actor . . . a mimic . . . he'll say whatever is necessary to achieve his objective. These Ns are cold-blooded & ruthless. Don't fall for it. You'll get burned again.
Nov 14 - 10AM (Reply to #3)
better off
better off's picture

Scoop, seriously...if we

Scoop, seriously...if we were to entertain the idea that maybe he really does understand now, and he really is getting help...then super for him. What does that have to do with you? Why doesn't he just do it then? What is the purpose of dragging you into it? If he really did "understand" and it all became clear, he would leave you alone. Of course it's just a trick. If it's real, then he will go get help and get better. Maybe after he proves he's a different person in every facet of his life you could talk to him. But this is just talk, the only thing they are capapable of. Talk. Interesting, he was going to France to look a girl up. Recycle supply. How unlike a Narc. ;-) Also, why does your "best" girlfriend share a house with such a person. Doesn't sound like she's your best friend to me.
Nov 14 - 1PM (Reply to #4)
Ellen
Ellen's picture

thats true

Hi Scoop and betteroff, If i have treated a person badly i would be very embarrassed. I wouldn't be able to talk to them until i was seriously doing something about it and i wouldn't be asking for another chance until i had already changed at least a bit. I would realise that a person i had hurt wouldn't even contemplate being with me until i was able to behave differently and not just based on a realisation. Can't remember did he say he wanted you back. If so why is he going to France to see a woman?
Nov 14 - 3PM (Reply to #5)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

help my a**

Counseling Syndrome This is both a tactic to get you to stay and a tactic to maintain control and intimidation. On this web site and others, you'll hear over and over again that abusers don't just stop their behavior without assistance to overcome issues and replace destructive behavior with healthy ones. Therapy is no exception. Friends, family, pastors and even abusers might suggest couples counseling to you. Although they may have the best of intentions, couples counseling is NOT the solution to combat the behaviors of an abuser! Many abusers actually like the idea of couples counseling because it means that THEY don't have to take responsibility for their actions- instead, they get to drag you in as part of the problem. With your abuser sitting next to you in a counseling session, you are not emotionally free to say what you think without fear of repercussion, without the abuser twisting your words, and without them trying to coach you along as what to say or not to say. Safe, effective and appropriate counseling for batterers and abusers must be done WITHOUT the victim present. Batterers must take responsibility for their actions, must understand and admit that THEY have a problem and be dedicated to the self-examination process to make positive long term changes possible. Couples counseling to combat domestic violence SOUNDS like a great idea, but it's false advertising and can prolong and expand the emotional abuses that already exist. http://www.aardvarc.org/dv/return.shtml http://www.lisaescott.com/2009/11/13/there-hope-narcissist ~~~~~~~~~~~~ My Abuse Information Site Online Coaching & Help