Healing, AFTER No Contact, Takes Time

from the book 'Help I'm in Love with a Narcissist'
by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol

Healing Takes Time

We promise you that you will heal; we promise you that you will reach the point where you will wonder how you could have possibly found this person attractive, interesting, or desirable. We promise you that you will eventually be grateful that you didnt have to spend your life with this self-absorbed and selfish person. We cannot promise you that this will happen overnight, but we know that it will happen.

For yourself, focus on the healing process. Be good to yourself and take care of your own mental health. Don't pick at scabs; try to stop examining and re-examining the relationship. Find people to support you through this process.

One final bit of advice: don't blame yourself for your ex-partner's behaviour. The insight that is going to make all of this easier for you revolves around your awareness and understanding of narcissism. Nothing you did or said created this narcissism; nothing you can be, do, or say will make it disappear.

Why breaking up with a Narcissist is especially difficult:

- You never really understand what happened or why it didn’t work; you lack a sense of closure......

- Relationships with narcissists tend to be more about promise and potential than they are about the kind of real stuff that happens between two people who are trying to forge a working connection. Men and women who have been in love with narcissists often say that they feel as though their relationship’s never played through; they say that they don’t believe the relationship had run its course. Instead it almost feels as though the relationship was just getting started and needed only the slightest push to get off the ground and soar. That push never seemed to happen. A common statement we have heard is “We could have had such a great relationship if only....”

- We think it's pretty safe to say that nobody with a rock-solid sense of self and a good support system gets enmeshed with a toxic narcissist.

- Having a relationship with a narcissist always means leaving a little bit of yourself behind.

- Relationships with narcissists rarely reach the plateau where a couple is arguing about anything real. When people argue with their narcissistic partners, they are usually complaining about behaviour that is primarily reflecting the narcissist’s unwillingness to be in a real relationship. Splitting up with a narcissist is particularly difficult because the relationship you were promised never happened, and you don’t know why. Since you never feel as though you shared a real relationship, how can you understand what did or didn’t take place?

- Trying to get explanations from narcissists can be an incredibly frustrating endeavour. Even in their break-ups, narcissists tend to be unwilling to give any sense of closure. They are typically unwilling or unable to explain what happened because they don’t understand it, either. They also don’t understand your discomfort in not having any real answers, nor do they want to.

Why are narcissists so hard to leave?

"Narcissism is also about feelings of sadness and depression. So the classic narcissistic partner has this 'look-at-me' quality, but also has this 'oh poor me, I really need help.' They draw you in with the sadness and the emptiness and you feel that somehow you can fill this void. And you tell yourself, he really loves me -- even though he's cheating on me every other night of the week."
[Review of “Help! I’m in Love With a Narcissist,” by relationship authors Julia Sokol and Steven Carter. (M. Evans and Co. by Kristin Dizon for Seattle Post Intelligencer
http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/lifestyle/219049_narcissist07.html]
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You don’t understand why your partner refuses to do anything to save the relationship.

You know there is a lot of good stuff between you and your partner, so why won’t your partner go with you to a therapist or counsellor? Why won’t your partner work with you to resolve your difficulties?

You may hope that if you could get your partner into a therapists office there would be a positive outcome. You might think that if somebody other than you explained the situation, your partner would have an “Aha” moment of clarity and understanding. Under these circumstances, perhaps you and your partner would be able to communicate and find ways to smooth out your problems. But for the most part nothing you say and nothing you do seems to get your partner into a therapist’s office; or if your partner does agree to making an appointment, chances are that he/she will go for one or two sessions and then find something wrong with the process or the therapist. In a few rare instances, the narcissist will consult a therapist but will somehow manage to sabotage the entire process.

Typically narcissists don’t think they have a problem, that’s why they don’t want to visit counsellors or therapists. They don’t want to work or fix their relationships because they don’t want things to be different. they want to stay in that space that that allows them to live in fantasy-land and swing from idealization to de-idealization.

Many narcissists always have at least one foot out of the door of any relationship they are in, and they don’t want anyone to call them on their behaviour. They don’t want to be held accountable. They don’t want reality or a realistic process such as therapy or counselling to interfere with their way of operating. This is usually more important to them than any relationship.

Once the relationship is over, you may still be second-guessing everything you do. You may be thinking, "If only I had done this-or that" Be assured that no matter what you did or didn't do, your narcissistic partner would have started dismantling you. Your relationship didn't end because of anything that happened. It ended because of who and what your partner is.

You can’t figure out why your partner seems angry at you.
She’s the one who cheated. He’s the one who lied. She’s the one who left you sitting at the airport for six hours. He’s the one who borrowed money to buy a new car and then wouldn’t return either the car or the money. Why are these totally selfish self-involved people angry at you? Most likely you have touched a nerve that your partner didn’t want touched.

When you get too close to a narcissist, you run the risk of touching the rage they feel coming from their essential narcissistic injury. It’s also a good idea to remember that narcissists don’t take responsibility. They always have a way of justifying their behaviour and blaming the other person.

If your partner was unfaithful for example, he/she may blame you for not stopping them or for not having been available on the night that they met the new person. A narcissist is fully capable of saying something like, “Is it my fault that you were home taking care of the new baby on the night I went to that party? I was feeling alone and neglected”.