Help...

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Isabella B
Isabella B's picture
Help...

It's been 9 months today that I was D&D. ExN is a colleague at work too!! He is a widower with three young children (6,4,2), and I loved them all. I gave up and sacrificed so much of myself and he dropped me so easily. How could I have so stupid? Every time I pick up he made some kind of contact that brought me back down. It takes everything in me to be civil and professional at work while I'm falling apart inside. The woman/girl I suspected him of is the new girlfriend. She is this awesome girl, eleven or twelve years younger than me (25/26); he's 35; and I'm boiling with envy, anger, humiliation, and regret. So much regret for letting myself into that situation. He started out so charming, loving, and attentive. I stressed comunication at the start and he showed it.
I am so heartbroken. I thought he loved and respected me. Now, people tell me I was not like his late wife - she is described as a woman who took care of the kids, always stayed home, passive, did what ever he wanted and his dreams were hers. She died unexpectedly of a heart condition that shocked everyone because she was healthy and young (33). He started dating me about a year after her passing. I did not know her because I started working at my job a couple of months after her death. I figure he started stalking me after I started working and I thought he was a nice guy, sad because of his lost.
He described his marriage as "perfect" and later people said she was frustrated because he was never home and always working on his goals. She hated living here but this was the place and job that would allow him to do what he wanted. They were married 5.5 years and dated for 3. I know all this because he told me all of it and I listened with a compassionate ear. All his crying, and dramatic "firsts" with me - sex, and everything else. His father stayed with him for a year and when he was sure I was on board to date him exclusively, he staged an argument with his father and told him to leave. His father helped him with the children and he kicked him out after a confrontation where he threatened his father (60 year old man) that he'd beat him.
After three weeks of dating, he brought up marriage. I was hesitant, and he asked me twice to marry him (one week apart). He said he wanted to honor me and have me become a mother to his children. I wanted it so bad because I thought he was everything he showed me. After I accepted, the silent treatments started, his mood swings started up, and the negative comments. Once, I asked him what new things he discovered about me (before they were all positive), and he replied, "I didn't know how indecisive you are." I remember my blank expression and forgot the playful comment I had for him. Then he said, "I thought you were confident, but I see how you go back and forth in your decision making." Later, he started to comment about my taking "too long" to get ready, and I started to defend myself because he had mentioned it before and he'd say, "Easy, don't get upset. You're getting defensive. I'm just saying I guess I've dated "hippi-ish women before, and you're not like that."
By the end of the fifth month, I was a mess; a pure mess. Yes, I was not the calm, confident woman I was. I constantly worried about him, the kids, and he started to get angry about my family's teasing, and my "unstability." He knew how much getting married and having children meant to me and started to withdraw/reconsider the engagement. I was devastated, and he said I had to "prove" that I wanted to be the kids' mother, and that yes, he was testing me. I remember telling him that I had put aside law school, and put them (him and the kids) as the center of my life.
Then one day, he brought a new woman to work. I didn't know her and he brought her around me and I was already stressed about him because he had withdrawn from me after saying that my happiness was his priorty (almost sarcastically), and I became jealous of the attention he gave her. I told him I wanted him to acknowledge me and he said I was overreacting. This girl he had taken on a date before dating me and the day after (because I had cried and screamed at my home wondering why he was moody and silent with me), I emailed that I felt I was taken for granted and wanted his love, patience, and heart. I ended up at his house later crying and begging for his forgiveness and he said it was over - that I was too unstable, too demanding, too complicated, high maitenance, and I didn't let him enjoy his past (with his late wife).
I'm sorry - this is so long. I have been moving on soooo slowly. He's know dating the girl he brought to work; and he walks around so arrogently; and I am so humilated. This hurts and I wish it would end. It's not fair. There were so many signs, but I let him explain them away with his "my left me when I was a baby," "my dad is a recovering alcoholic," and "my wife died, and now I"m a widower with three kids."
I'm not sure, but about a month ago, I finally got out the stuff that was inside, "you used me," after his six year daughter told me he had a new girlfriend. Then, he switched his arrogant face to anger and brought up his late wife, and stormed off crying. It became so dramatic. A few days later, someone broke into my house and took my personal picture from a frame and a law school acceptance letter (that I DECLINED for him). Was it him? I have no proof and he'll hoover every now and then, when I'm feeling good.
This has been a awful experience and I want it to end, but these reminders, seeing him and the new girlfriend and kids. Torture. I keep my head up but it's so terribly hard. So much anger, and it seems there is no justice. None at all - he's got the new girlfriend who is young, ambitious, and exciting, the kids call her mom, and he's in a graduate program I helped him get in. I feel my reputation is shot and I can't "bad mouth" him because we are such a small town.
A year ago, we were engaged, planning for the future (of me staying home with the kids), and fresh. A year later, I am sitting home and still hurting. I have picked up, several have said that I look different (in a great way), and seem like a happy person. I guess I hide my pain well.
I am venting...my family and friends tell me to get over it, he's a jerk and move on. I feel so lonely and rejected. I had nightmare, got out of them, but they came back after the stolen personal items. I'm sick of it!! I dreamed that a monster that looked human had killed a camp full of people, and I just as I made my escape, a dark shadow blocked my escape and I ended up back in the campsite. That's what it feels like - I"m back just when I got out. I remember feeling on top of the world that I was out of that relationship and then the personal items were taken from my home. Back to square one - pisses me off. If you've made it this far - thank you. I really need some type of support.

Journey
Journey's picture
Your narc was very
Your narc was very emotionally abusive. This abuse has colored your perspective, but don't give up, you will feel better again, this influence will begin to fade. Everything you wrote just made my heart go out to you. Narcs 'love' only for convenience and according to their agenda. His new gf is only an object to him to use, nothing more in HIS eyes. I know it's hard to feel better right now, but try if you can to see how much better it really is that you were only together 7 months and that you hadn't gotten married. The emotional abuse would have only gotten worse. I am so sorry you gave up going to law school for him... I hope you can find the way to reapply and follow your dreams, the ones you felt good about before he hijacked them. Stay strong, he is NOT worth it. I agree, if there is any way to stop working so close to him, it is well worth the effort finding. ((hugs))

Journey on...

NarcJunkie
NarcJunkie's picture
Isabella - about working with your narc
Like you I did that for 9 months after my D&D. I had a good job in a good company and didn't want to damage my career by leaving before the end of the project. And I certainly did not want to give him the PLEASURE... HE did the wrong... HE should have quit! But of course he didn't. He was way too busy being extremely pleased with himself and parading his new girl around at the company (I had the misfortune to work with both him and the OW). After those 9 months of pure hell, I now look back and wonder whether it was really worth it. Ok, I finished the project, plus I gave him a bit of torture throughout the year because he could never fully avoid me and the realization that he acted like a jerk. The prize I paid, though, was relentless torture. So much pain, so many tears, so much devaluation while he idealized the OW in front of me. I think I made the wound deeper because I dragged it out for so long. I still feel so raw inside some days, and I can't believe I put myself through this hell just because I couldn't let him go, refused to accept that he's a dick and didn't care enough about myself to just walk away. I think back then it would have felt like a defeat and an injustice if I had quit my job. And I'm not saying that you should quit yours. In a way, the contact at work also helped me, because it kept ripping off those rose coloured glasses and killing those nice memories until I finally got it. But I did notice that despite many months of therapy and accepting every bit of help I was offered the healing only really started once I realized what he is and went NC. I last saw him and the OW 2 months ago, on my last day of work... I am now in a new country and have started a new job. People are nice, the work is good, and I realize: I could have left sooner, it wouldn't have damaged my career at all. Maybe just take this as an opportunity to look around... there might be good jobs out there in nice and narc-free places. ;)
Isabella B
Isabella B's picture
I agree
I have started to look into some other places. I have a contract with my job for another year and a half, but I plan to start looking around too. I've been feeling stronger the past couple of days - accepting that he is an ass and nothing can move him, only NS, and he's pathetic and gross. These past couple of months were extremely rough, and honestly, I hoped for reconciliation. I accept that it isn't happening because I don't want him anymore and it's time I focus on me and work on my self. I've started the process, and now I need to continue my journey. He's also backed off the past couple of days and I tell myself, "He's 'happy.' (even though I know he isn't) He's not your problem anymore." Big step for me, and looking for a new place to work is on my list. Thank you for your support.
NarcJunkie
NarcJunkie's picture
You're welcome :)
And good luck with your search!
ruby01 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture
Isabella B
These guys are so twisted. All he wants to see is you in anguish, what a sick individual. When you have to be around him remember this and don't fool yourself into thinking you are missing out on anything good. He just causes misery, and enjoys it. Try to keep your thoughts on you and your life without him f-ing it up. Lose him and reclaim your life.
neva-again
neva-again's picture
Please hang in there...
I know this is a step by step thing..but when life kicks you like that, just remember we have a choice in the direction it kicks us in, either forward or backward...choose forward. I understand how you feel, My Ex N keyed the drivers door, to the tune of $600 after D&Ding me for the second time. I have a pretty nice car, that I work very hard to pay for and am meticulously proud of. Couldnt prove it was him, but too conincidental in the timing and where he was the night it happened. He tried blaming it on the Ex GF, and the drama that followed was nuts. I had to have the locks changed on my place twice. He wouldnt understand how hard it is to get $600 to fix it because he doesnt work and sleeps all day. Do all you can to make your place secure, also notify police so they can do occasional drive by's. Just stay NC and make sure you do whatever it takes to make yourself feel safe. and secure...Blessings to you.
uk lady
uk lady's picture
Hello Isabella
What a mess. He seems a particularly vicious and controlling N. First of all are you getting any professional help? Secondly, have you thought of moving jobs to get away from the daily exposure to him and the memories? I genuinely feel that you need to do both in order to get yourself finally moving forwards. You are a young woman and you need to get yourself properly focussed on "YOU" not staying stuck thinking about the ex and his children. Just be v.v. thankful that you didn't end up married to this scumbag. Dee x
Isabella B
Isabella B's picture
Thank you, Dee, for reading
Thank you, Dee, for reading and responding. I have started to see my therapist again, and even though I've thought about leaving, it angers me that I would leave. This job has what I've worked so hard for - great pay, great professional support, and small setting to do my teaching effectively. I've given up so much of myself to him and now my job? I don't know about that. This is what I mean about it being not fair/no justice. My therapist is working with me, and I feel that she avoids saying this was an abusive situation and that is what I'm seeking too - validation. Like I wasn't the crazy, unstable one. She says I am grieving and it is normal - that I am going through a "normal" process, but I seek the validation that I was in an abusive situation. All the lies he told me, and his truths ("I can get very angry/the way I see it, I OWN things and I have to take care of it/I want obedience in the marriage vows/my late wife was silent") all come clear now and it seems she doesn't want to hear that - just let it go and move on and heal myself. I have been slowly, but start to see these lies and I feel bad that I want to voice it. But it's 9 months too late to say them. He looks like he's getting skinnier and skinnier, and losing more hair (was sensitive about his bald spot and rapid hair loss), and the grey is coming stronger. My friend said he sounds old, and several were surprised that I am two years older than him - they thought I was far younger than him. It's a wonder that I let him ever touch me, or that he's now with a 25 year old girl. He still tries to do things in "remembrance" of his late wife and yet, he's tossed out two people (his father and me) in the first two years of her death, and now in the third, another new girlfriend. I hate him and I've never said or felt what that meant until now. Will he end up treating her like he did me?? Does he love her and will change so that he doesn't lose her? i REGRET ever getting into this relationship, or whatever it was.
jackguy
jackguy's picture
this vaknin video might be helpful/thought-provoking RE therapy
http://www.youtube.com/user/samvaknin#p/search/3/v_-pRfYg4yI
TNR1
TNR1's picture
Will he end up treating her
Will he end up treating her like he did me?? Does he love her and will change so that he doesn't lose her? Let's put it this way...he hasn't changed. A Narc is all about himself and everyone else in the Narc's life are just extentions of him. He may try a few more tricks with her...she may not see the warning signs as quickly as you....but being devalued by a Narc is inevitable. They just can't keep their mask on that long. Love is a tricky word....I truly think for a Narc infatuation and the need for control=love. They don't truly know what love is because they don't have empathy. If there is any way that you can completely detangle from him...that would be best because seeing him every day is going to keep triggering you.
Isabella B
Isabella B's picture
Also - no closure. I tried
Also - no closure. I tried four times to either reconcile or close it, but he would not budge; just told me he said what he needed to say and that he didn't want to say anything just to make me feel better. We were together for 7 months - basically lived together because I was at his house the entire time. I met his late wife's family and he was getting to know my family, then he completely shut me out. He gave me the silent treatment and was so angry with me. Cut off all contact with the kids - until he cooled down a bit and they begged me to come back because they wanted to me to be there mom. They'd call me mom and he was not moved or anything. I stopped crying every evening about three months ago. I missed the kids so much, but have now put that aside. He bought a bed for "us" he said, and now he's got another woman in it. I'm so disgusted and hurt still. When does it go away?
bgirl
bgirl's picture
This is so sad....feel for
This is so sad....feel for you and I feel even more empathy for you because I too am from a small town. It is so frustrating that no one else seems to see what he is or doesn't care. I have found out the hard way....nno one can help you but yourself. Read about the dark night. Sit with the pain. Let it strengthen you. You will become your authentic self. Best wishes.