Help me understand.....

5 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Oct 25 - 5PM
Ella Fan
Ella Fan's picture

Help me understand.....

A few years back, I went through some really stressful times. I ended up working at a seedy restaurant that was always on the verge of folding. I had a younger boss who couldn't keep his hands to himself with me and other female employees. My living arrangements were unsafe. I had landlords who lived in the house in front of me who also could not respect my boundaries. They were constantly acting inappropriate. Along with this, I was in a relationship with a Narc who drifted back to me when his 'official' relationship with his girlfriend didn't work.

During this time, I knew I needed a friend, a female friend. Because of my relationship with my mother (she was abusive in every possible way towards me including sexually abusive) I have difficulty trusting women. I hate to admit this, but I picked a lady who was a frequent customer at the restaurant, because I knew my boss was thinking of firing me and I knew he was terrified of losing a daily paying guest.

She made it clear she wanted a 'friend.' And I knew that I was isolating too much and needed to at least try to have a female friend. The problem was, it was like being sucked into vacuum cleaner!! This woman would talk to me non-stop for hours, telling me, if I tried to interupt "Hold on!!! I'm not not finished!" Well, turns out she was never finished. Every time I tried to tell her something about me, she found a way to make it about her.

When I had a big problem paying an electric bill, she paid it for me, and told me it was a loan. Then she 'gave' me 20 dollars for something, and told me that was a gift. The loan was to be paid back whenever I could do it. I hate being in debt to anyone because of how it has been held over my head by family/others. So, I kept commenting that as soon as things got better for me I would pay her back.

She had seen me in two other relationships with Narcs, and saw when things started with the most recent guy. This guy, who is training to be a minister, got into my life, and tried to make me think I was totally messed up and needed his help to stop being that way. I bought into it because he told me he loved me, and he seemed to have an amazing walk with God When i told my female friend about it, she told me that she had a 'sense' that it just would not work. By that time, I was tired of listening to her non-stop monologues, and her getting angry if I insisted on interrupting them to say anything. However, if I didn't insist on interrupting, she would literally talk, without seeming to take a breath for hours. It was really like I wasn't necessary to be there, except as someone to listen to her.

I remember feeling really sorry for her when she was having this conversation with me about her marriage. She is a student and I always wondered why her husband chose to live two states away rather than join her at college. That day, we went to eat at a restaurant she chose after being in her church. At church, the preacher preached about getting along with people, and she wrote on her notebook the whole time, but didn't seem to be taking notes or paying attention.

I watched how people reacted when she approached them. It was sort of like with polite horror, and they would back away. She would then 'monolouge' them, while they tried to get away from her. However, people were nice to her, and several told me what a great woman she was that day, in front of her.

At the cafe, after, she told me that my current Narc was all wrong for me. I wondered if she was worried about me having less time for her, and felt sorry for her. Despite what people said about her, they didn't seem to want to be WITH her that much. It must have come out on my face, because suddenly she stopped telling me how it couldn't possibly work with this guy and said "I'm not telling you this because I'm afraid it will take away from your time with me. Although I would be annoyed if it did."

From that point on, I was really concerned that I had stepped into a bottomless pit instead of a friendship. I started noticing how her needs came first always. She constantly talked about her husband, who she said didn't love her, didn't want to have sex with her, etc. She said that she would talk to him but he never wanted to talk to her about what she was interested in. Apparently, he was something of a slob and left a big mess to clean up and rarely bathed. It sounded at first like he was a big jerk, but honestly, after a while, I wondered if he wasn't hugely depressed from dealing her demanding behavior and had just retreated inside himself.

I was making tentative friends through the Narc (his friends, who would later abandon me when things went bad for us) and learning that I didn't have to stay in any relationship that had poor boundaries. I became less tolerant of my female friend. Then, she told me that she needed the 20 dollar loan she gave me. I told her that I thought that was a gift, and that it was the much larger payment of the electric bill that was a loan. She proceeded to make it a huge issue and said "Don't you remember?" And recounted conversations that never happened. None the less, I repayed 20.00 and expressed some frustration about her insisting on remembering things differently. I could understand asking me about the larger amount, and was at a place to start repaying that, but to turn it around and be petty was amazing to me.

By that time, she had had a car accident that totalled her vehicle. Her church stepped in and delivered meals for a long time. I heard many complaints that the meals weren't to her liking, and disapointed sounding 'wonder what I'll get todays.' I was thinking she should be glad that she wasn't being left to fend for herself, but didn't say that.

I took her to town on my car to help her do errands. That day was nearly the breaking point. She complained constantly about my driving, and other things. I was hungry and broke, and wasn't charging her for gas money, but when I asked her to pay for my lunch, she got upset. When I asked her why, she told me she didn't like the choices I made for lunch. The choices were two dollar burgers and a coke.

She (almost 250 pounds) told me that this wasn't healthy. She frequently made references to my weight, and gave me a cookbook to make things that would help me slim down. Then would talk about how she loved sauces and gravies and couldn't give them up. She would give me clothes she no longer wore, which she said was too big for her because she was losing lots of weight. However, I knew her to be a compulsive shopper, and never saw the weight go, just lots of new clothes show up. She, if anything was a bit bigger than me, but seemed focussed on my weight.

That day, I had to stop by a aquaintences house and feed her dogs (she was on vacation). The female friend had always went on about how much she loved dogs. I told her the dogs were a bit wild and would jump up on her. She swore she just loved dogs. When we got there, she walked through the person's home, and stood on the porch and nervously giggled as I fed and played with them a bit, acting as if she was afraid of them.

We got to Walmart, and she asked if I needed anything. I was out of groceries, and I thought that it would be great. But when I told her I needed salt, she said she didn't want to buy me salt. The rest of the grocery trip was the same. We ended up with the items she thought I should have. She insisted on buying me a pair of dress shoes that I didn't want because she thought I was wasting myself at my job and needed a better job. She wouldn't take no for an answer. This was how the whole day went.

Although she still needed someone to take her places, after that day, I took a week vacation from her, because I was just emotionally exhausted.

Shortly after, I had come to her, in tears, over my Narc's behavior, and she had not wanted to open the door, telling me it wasn't a good time for her (daytime). She then opened the door, and proceeded to not want me to leave. I told her about what the Narc did, and she then got mad and told me she was angry that I had suggested a friendship for her with him on Facebook, because that was her reputation if he was that bad. Her total deafness to me at this time made me cry again, and she just kept going on about her needs and her privacy and how I had been in the wrong. That day, it was really the end for me.

Soon after, the big blow up with the Narc happened and I went to her door, crying late at night. I had never done that with anyone. She stayed up for a time, not really listening to me, telling me how tired she was, and she didnt sleep well because of her fibermalagia (sp?). I ended up getting on her computer, and talking most of the night to a friend in Michagan who, even though she has a small child with behavior issues and is a full time student, did listen and did want to talk to me. I left that day wondering if my friend locally was a friend at all. I know she wasn't required to stay up all night with me, but you would think after putting in hundreds of hours of listening to her about her marital problems and every other thing, she might give back a bit.

Right after that, she invited me to watch a movie on DVD that I had wanted to see for a long time. She then talked through it to the point that I couldn't concentrate. When I tried to ignore her, she would get louder and ask me questions not related to the movie. To this day, I can't tell you what the movie was about. I finally fell asleep in my chair, knowing I wouldn't get to watch it. I asked if I could take the DVD home, but I don't think she wanted me to do this if I remember right.

I had plans to go to a prayer retreat with the Narc, but after our bust up, he made a big deal about taking the new girlfriend instead. So, I spent the time doing a self-directed prayer retreat. My 'friend' promised to watch my cat for me. When I came back to get her, I wanted to tell her all that I learned during my time. She told me that she 'didnt' have time to talk to me.' And sneered when I said that I spent the time on personal retreat, as if not believing me. I got my cat, and as I walked to the car, she began talking nonstop about something about her life and didn't stop until I got in the car and shut the door.

I stayed away from her about a week, and she wanted to know why. Braver in writing, I told her that I felt like she wasn't listening to me, didn't care about me, and didn't help me when I needed her. She then wrote me back and said she had prayed and gotten counseling about it, and was told by a instructor (college she goes to, also to be a minister) that she had the right to set boundaries and not spend time with me if she didn't want to.

She also said that she was English, and in her culture showing up without calling at a person's door was 'rude.' (This happened twice in a two year friendship, both in times of crisis.) When I told her that, she continued to say that it was rude, even in an emergency, that she might have other things she was wanting to do.

The upshot was that we stopped speaking. Months went by, and my Narc did something that I allowed to upset me to the point where I attempted suicide. I came back home from the crisis unit, and saw an email from the Narc, that was totally self-serving and crazy-making. I began to have a panic attack, and was not prepared to spend the night by myself.

At the time, I felt like I had no one locally to reach out to, and didn't want to go back to the crisis unit. I decided to visit her, and try to fix what went wrong in our friendship, and appologize for whatever she felt I had done wrong. I felt like I could at least reach out to her, and appologize for cutting her off. I think I was totally desperate.

I went to her apartment and she answered the door, and said "Yeah?" She told me at the door that cutting her off was wrong. Even if I did feel like she was not there for me (and went into all the reasons why she couldn't be...her illnesses, the car-wreck, etc)and told me that she would not be my friend again. At this point, I had simply told her I was newly out of a crisis unit and was scared to be alone. That was all I had been able to get out. She then told me to come in, and it was more of the same. About 15 minutes of blame about how I had just cut her off and she wasn't goign to give me another chance. I don't think she even took a breath. I got up to go. And at the door she said "Are you going to be alright?" I very sarcastically said "Yeah"

This was the last time we had any meaningful interaction. However, with her out of my life, and the Narc more and more out, things got lots better. I got into counseling, was able to improve my skills on my job, and got closer to being happy.

Problem was, she kept showing up at my job (restaurant). Not a lot, but it was what she did when she showed up that was upsetting. She would stare me down with these disapproving looks, and treat me as if I were this horrible person. I treated her as if she were a difficult guest, and didn't take anything from her. I kept it totally impersonal on my side, and secretly, was a bit proud that I could do that.

Twice, she would come with this woman who was, like me, overweight, and didn't seem to have any friends. Generally, when I passed near the table, it was my former 'friend' talking, and the woman listening.

I have since transferred to a job 24 miles from my home. Some of this was to make it harder for the Narc to come to my workplace and be disruptive. My ex 'friend' must have found out, because last Sunday, here she was, alone, surrounded by a cloud of disapproval. On a busy day, with three cashiers, she chose my register. She chose my restaurant, which, as I said is 24 miles away, when she could have gone to the same type restaurant (we are a huge chain) 12 miles away.

The entire time I'm having to deal with her (she didn't pay a check with me, just bought some candy)I'm getting the tightly set disapproving glare. I just 'handled' her, once again, as if she were a difficult guest, that I just had to be polite to, and move along. She didn't go away....she walked around the store, and I kept seeing her standing in various places, again giving me the disapproving look for about an hour. Then, she left.

The point of all of this is.....I think this is a female Narc and a very selfish woman. I'm not sure I did anything wrong...but she wants me to think I did. Can anyone help me see what I could have done differently? Am I the jerk here....this most recent disapproving stare-down comes almost two and a half years after I stopped being friends with her. When does it stop?

Oct 27 - 12PM
LuckySpurs
LuckySpurs's picture

Gaslighting - Same old bag of tricks

"And recounted conversations that never happened." LOL, they're all the same. That trick is called 'gaslighting'. My former best friend did the same thing at the end of our 'friendship' during her final D&D. She recounted a laundry list of 'bad things' I had done to her, except that the list was extremely twisted and actually made me laugh out loud at her because it was just flat-out insanity & twisted lies. She had attacked me a few times before this and I really let those attacks get to me, but that last time, I wasn't falling for it which is why I believe it was the last time. When I laughed at her was when her mask came completely off and she raged like a freakin' lunatic (over the phone) just ranting and raving. No composure what so ever. Of course, I hung up on her, so she continued the ranting and raving on my voicemail. Lol.....idiots! I think it's great that you realize you are drawn to narcs. I had the same realization a handful of years ago. It's not an easy road to recovery but it is so worth it! Knowledge is key. Keep your head up :)
Oct 25 - 9PM
Journey
Journey's picture

I have no idea what you could

I have no idea what you could have done differently except to have not continued with the friendship from the first initial discomfort you began feeling. We all let narcs go too far with us, put up with things beyond our enjoyment of them and that is part of why we are in recovery from said relationships/friendships. I don't think you are being a jerk, it sounds like she has given you just cause to discontinue whatever the relationship was. It is creepy that she went out of her way to go to where you works. Yuk!

Journey on...

Oct 25 - 9PM
58 and going strong
58 and going strong's picture

Ella, looks like you are

Ella, looks like you are being too nice and giving, which is generally not bad, but there are people like this woman who take advantage. I believe you are doing great treating her like a difficult customer. Stay away from her as far as you can! Otherwise I agree with Hunter: keep working on yourself. The abuse we allowed to happen to us will only stop as we stop sending out the victim signals. As we change and grow stronger, as we learn to set our own boundaries in healthy ways, we simply become less easy targets for Ns. And we are less willing to give in to their sick demands. You are on a good path now. Keep going! And keep learning. Best wishes to you!
Oct 25 - 9PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

It stops when you figure

It stops when you figure things out about you.. You have issues that cause you to attract these types of people. Until you make changes within you Everthing will stay the same.. Reading your story I kept thinking you are allowing this person to abuse you.. Therapy, self help books, a change of scenery... Good Luck!! Hunter