Help Please - Need a Distraction / His Upcoming B-Day is Triggering Me

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Sep 28 - 9PM (Reply to #23)
anonymous
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Oh Jaycee

Thank you so much. You are so good. If anything, I'm so glad that you are making progress. I know I'll get through it. I know I'll go back to being myself again. I don't know why these past couple of days have been so melancholy for me. Perhaps the days getting shorter - I always hate this time of year because of that. Maybe that's it. Plus the D&D anniversary is coming up too so that's making it all worse. =(
Sep 28 - 9PM (Reply to #17)
better off
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Wise words from jaycee

"we cannot continue to love something that cannot love back" He cannot love back, morty. Do you want to go to your next counseling session and say you did this. NO! You will hate yourself for it. His birthday is one day. (Actually, his birthday should be the opposite of a holiday, because he is a curse) It's ONE DAY! You can tell him you love him some other day, if that gets you through it. Give yourself permission to tell him at Christmas. Just not his birthday. How about that. We'll see if you still feel that way come December, okay? But his birthday is just a day on the calendar, it's a 24 hour period that will come and it will go, and after it goes you will feel BETTER. You WILL. I can promise you this: he doesn't give a shit about YOUR birthday, love. If you want to love something that can't love you back, go outside and tell a rock or a tree or a lawnchair that you love it. A snow tire. It would be about the same.
Sep 28 - 9PM (Reply to #21)
anonymous
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I know

He certainly didn't e-mail me or call me on MY birthday - probably doesn't even remember when it is. I know you are right.
Sep 28 - 9PM (Reply to #22)
better off
better off's picture

There you go then. I know

There you go then. I know it hurts. But, he didn't email you on YOUR birthday, but you would do it on his? Are you really that woman, morty? The one who would chase him down and "share" with him on his birthday when he ignored yours? At least grit your teeth and think of your pride. Pride has kept me safe on many occasions, lol.
Sep 28 - 9PM (Reply to #18)
Susan32
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Loving those who cannot love back...

On this note, I've got some advice of my own. If you want to show love¬ worry about reciprocation, you can donate to a local charity, give non-perishable food to a food bank. The food bank might not send you a thank-you note for your generosity, homeless guys might not hug you and be grateful... but if loving unconditionally WITHOUT PAIN is what you're after, there's charity. Find a worthy cause. Donate to it. Pray for those who are suffering. Prayer and meditation can really help.
Sep 28 - 9PM (Reply to #19)
anonymous
anonymous's picture

Funny you say that Susan

I put two cans of food in my work bag this morning to bring into the office for our United Way food drive for a local soup kitchen. =) Canned corn and mandarin oranges. =)
Sep 28 - 9PM (Reply to #20)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Doing good DOES YOU GOOD!!!!

The ex-P argued my junior year about me volunteering at a local elementary school. He thought it was a waste because I wasn't getting $$$ (turns out it helped later with a teaching job in Oregon) I said sometimes it's worth it to do good things, even if you don't get ANYTHING out of it. He'd be dismissive and say I was charitable to make myself feel good. BTW- Neuroscience has shown that yes, doing good does the body good. It releases the endorphins, the "feel good" hormones. If you feel euphoric when you help someone, there's a physiological reason for it.
Sep 28 - 8PM (Reply to #16)
faithinthefuture
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jaycee

I commend you for your words. You are going thru such a hard time yourself and yet you can come on here and give others the support they need to hear. Bless your heart. your situation breaks my heart. it reminds of when my dad left my mom after she tried to committ suicide and his OW called my mom and told her what a fuck up she was that she couldn't even committ suicide right. My mom hates and despises the OW...awww yeah no shit huh...but has never gotten angry at my dad for what he did. At the time I remember thinking and believing my mom deserved soo much better than my dad. I now know he was a total N! (He's 81 now and we have cried and talked about the way he treated my mom and us kids and he's not the same man...he has a heart of gold now) I thought...at the time...hey life is what it is and we go on and no man is worth giving up our lives. and i was angry with my mom for wanting to die but accepted my dad because he still wanted to be there for his kids(which I know at that time was sooo far from the truth) My mom is doing soo awesome now and they are friends. She will always love him....for the illusion. And to think I fell for the same kind of person...sorry i just can't bring myself to call him a man.
Sep 28 - 7PM
faithinthefuture
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morty

I'm so sorry you're feeling the way you do. I paid for a weekend away...hotel, meals, casino etc for the Ns bday. I remember thinking at the time we(I) should feel closer than what we are. We were supposed to take the back roads take our time go antiqueing and just enjoy a wkend away. he took the freeway, said "I'm not going in there" when we passed the antique barn I had talked about, walked away from me at the casino and texted anyone & everyone he knew to tell them it was his bday. I remember thinking at the time I'm not having a good time. Felt very distant from him. Now I realize looking back he was already planning when he was going to leave me.(altho it was me who the next wkend kicked him out of my house) Please don't contact him. He already thinks he deserves all the attention in the world because it's HIS bday. And he'll say all those sweet wonderful things we want to hear and want to believe. And then his bday will be over. And he won't give you another thought. You may always love him well the illusion. but remember this...they never loved US. Only as a supply to feed their twisted f'd up mind and life. You know you will regret it if you contact him. Stay strong. Let him see by NOT contacting him he means nothing(I know even tho at this time he does to you) have the satisfaction you won't be his puppet. Let HIM wonder why you haven't contacted him. He can have his bday cake and be eaten alive with wondering why you didn't tell him happy bday. i know we're not mean hearted but they made us this way.
Sep 28 - 9PM (Reply to #5)
anonymous
anonymous's picture

Yeah

Last year I made such a huge deal out of his b-day and spoiled him rotten. And something was off that day. He said he wanted me to make big deal out of it but then seemed weird - aloof and distant. He said later that he was depressed at turning 36 but that he still loved what I did for him on his big day. I asked him if I could help him get through his depression and he said no, but that he was really grateful for my empathy and he had never had a girlfriend before who was so supportive. He said that in no way was the depression my fault and that it had nothing to do with me. Four weeks later, when he D&Dd me, he blamed part of it on his depression and said that being with me (a mother) was making him increasingly depressed. I was so pissed. He said the depression had nothing to do with me but then he used it as one of the main reasons for breaking up with me. So that is another reason why I'm so sad about his b-day - not only is it his b-day but it is the anniversary of the start of the devalue stage of D&D. And it's bringing back such sad and helpless memories. And reminding me what it felt like to be in the middle of a mind-F. But I still miss him (the illusion guy)..
Sep 28 - 9PM (Reply to #9)
better off
better off's picture

Oh, please. I'm stickin a pin in it

You are still living in his mythos, created by him. He wasn't depressed. He was being a wanker. He was using "depression" as an excuse to reject the birthday plans he ASKED FOR. Passive aggressive HEAVEN. Make a big deal over me! Jump through hoops!! Are you finished? Perfect, now I can say no thank you, it's wonderful...but...I'm so...depressed. Cue the freaking violins. Oh, now I get even more more more control and supply! Because now she's asking me how she can HELP me with my fake fucking depression. And more twisting, lying, "it's not you it's me, you're the MOST empathetic ever..." (guaranteeing you'll keep being empathetic instead of telling him to stop WHINING about turning...36????) Did he throw his hand over his brow??? It's... not your fault... except for you being YOU and a MOTHER, but please...don't blame yourself...for all that... cue the curtain call. Of course he said one thing one day, and the opposite the next. The depression game is the most insidious because you're not ALLOWED to get upset with someone who's...depressed. Well what the hell about you?? Do you have feelings? He obviously is too...depressed... to care about them. What a FUCKING SCAM. My first true love, my boyfriend in college pulled this shit. That jerk broke up with me on MY birthday, because he was so...depressed. He couldn't...handle it all. Yeah, right, pull that card out of your sleeve whenever it's handy. Tie my hands with your selfish...depression. Don't even give me the freaking right to be MAD at you. It's diabolical, morty. You have to shake off this illusion stuff. This entire denouement of yours was calculated. Remember.. the calculating guy??? Remember him. He said just what would keep you from asserting your rights. Worked like a charm... because it's a year later and you're replaying all this horror, thinking somehow, if he wasn't...depressed... it would be okay. You're STILL not making him take responsibility for what he did in your own mind! Well, make him! At least tell him in your head that he's just a game-playing oddsmaker that pretends to have feelings such as...depression... to manipulate people. He's a master manipulator. He can't do it to you anymore, but you've got to stop letting him manipulate you in your memory!!!! IT WAS ALL BULLSHIT. It always WAS, and it always WILL BE. Does that suck to admit that???? YES!!!!!!!! It sucks BAD!!! But it's better than NOT admitting it and pining for someone who TRICKED you, and makes you feel sorry for him for DOING it! Hugs. ;-) (((((Morty)))))
Sep 28 - 10PM (Reply to #10)
anonymous
anonymous's picture

I Wish I Could Believe It

I really wish I could. Do you think that I don't tell myself every day these things? Of course I do. Every fucking day I tell myself this. I know it was lies. I know it was diabolical. I know I know I know. But I can't seem to 100% completely fully believe it. I really wish I fucking could. I really wish I didn't have to keep telling myself this shit every goddamned day. I'm so sick of it.
Sep 28 - 10PM (Reply to #11)
better off
better off's picture

I know you're sick of it...

I know you're sick of it... but you have to tell yourself long enough to get through this damn birthday/breakup anniversary. You can do it. We are holding you up in spirit. It won't be as bad after this "event" passes. I promise. I promise.
Sep 28 - 10PM (Reply to #12)
anonymous
anonymous's picture

I know it's the last hurdle

I really appreciate you all holding me up. I haven't been this upset in months. I really appreciate it all of you. I really do. And Better Off - you really have no idea how much you have helped me. I'm going to bed now. I'm spent.
Sep 28 - 11PM (Reply to #14)
better off
better off's picture

I'm glad you feel like I've

I'm glad you feel like I've helped, because I hate being the one to tear the security blanket away, and when I'm writing I worry always that I am saying too much... I remember I had ONE friend that I could confide in, this was before I knew about this board... and she would just KILL me with the same stuff, I would scream and cry and almost rip my HAIR out it was so hard to hear, but she kept doing it. Sometimes I hated her for it, you know, but underneath I knew she was trying to save me from the spell. I will never ever forget her doing that for me, because she was right. "Faithful are the wounds of a friend."
Sep 28 - 10PM (Reply to #13)
better off
better off's picture

I hope you can get some

I hope you can get some sleep. I'm sorry all this had to happen to you or to any of us. But we will persevere. :-)
Sep 28 - 9PM (Reply to #6)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

How I'd wish him happy b-day...

I'd ask him if he were paunchier than the last time we met, complete with unwanted weight loss tips, if his crow's feet were bigger, and if he FINALLY got himself some dentures (his teeth were rotten when I met him, worse when I left), and if he were gumming pureed foods like my nephew (whose father has the SAME NAME as his father) It would be "since you were always depressed about getting older, how is it getting older?" He used to be very vain about his looks. Well, hit where it hurts!!!!
Sep 28 - 9PM (Reply to #7)
better off
better off's picture

Burn!!

I love it.. that line would KILL the narc I knew! "It would be "since you were always depressed about getting older, how is it getting older?" lol
Sep 29 - 10PM (Reply to #8)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Well, should I send it???

Giving the ex-P supply like that is like pouring someone a glass of vinegar (basically wine that has gone sour) instead of the expensive Veuve Cliquot champagne! Now I feel tempted... Whenever I've broken NC, it's been for the purpose of taunting him. If I ever received what I've sent him, I'd be confused and probably insulted. I mean, who wants to be compared to a newborn, and NOT in a flattering way???? I referred to his parents as "Mommy and Daddy".... yeah, what 40something wants to hear THAT???
Sep 28 - 7PM
Happy1
Happy1's picture

NC has been the best

NC has been the best medicine right? Think of the first day of NC. Do you want to be there all over again? You are doing great! Just remember that you should be celebrating "you" on a daily basis and don't worry about his silly birthday. He's not worth a thought. Hugs
Sep 28 - 9PM (Reply to #3)
anonymous
anonymous's picture

I Know

My head knows he's not worth a thought. My heart is just fucking stupid and doesn't get it.
Sep 28 - 7PM (Reply to #2)
faithinthefuture
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Happy1

is right morty! thinking of that first day of NC makes me sick to my stomach and want to curl up in a ball or crawl in a hole and never come out! YOU DON'T WANT TO GO THERE AGAIN!!!!!!