Help. Thoughts of Guilt because I broke it off

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#1 Dec 30 - 7PM
Melba
Melba's picture

Help. Thoughts of Guilt because I broke it off

Help.... I have recently been feeling guilt over my breaking it off with him, and I didn't cave over the holiday period even though I was sent numerous texts. I felt so strong through what I thought would be my weakest moments over Christmas.

But now I am having this overwhelming feeling to comfort him??? What on earth is going on. I'm concerned for his mental state from what he is saying in his texts. He is unstable. This feeling is so pervasive that I'm forgetting all the bad. My mind is beginning to become numb again.

I kept saying to myself over and over, "think about your needs", not his. And reminding myself of what he has done to me. But the guilt seems to be overriding all the other logic.

Does anyone have some insight into what is happening, particularly because I was so determined and strong over Christmas and didn't give him any thought, without any guilt.

Dec 31 - 10AM
ruby01 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Melba

Whenever you find yourself drifting back in time, recognize it and bring your thoughts back to the present. What you have today is all that matters and if you continue to stay focused, he will not be able to lure you back into the abuse by using the past. These abusers are stuck in their past. He is attempting to use something that happened in your past to shape your today. That is what they do. Don't give some unconscious person the power to make you feel anything. That's giving him too much power. You became aware and recognized him for what he is- an abuser. That was then. This is now. Your life goes on without him physically and mentally. You have this beautiful day before you. Enjoy it and remind yourself of what you have right now, not hours, weeks, years ago because that is gone. That is how you will move forward. xxx, Ruby
Dec 31 - 7AM
JRB123
JRB123's picture

Testing time

Christmas is a testing time and because you are a compassionate person it is natural you may feel sadness or guilt about the end of a relationship. However it is a time to be strong now - strong for yourself - compassionate towards yourself. Put your own needs first and please do not go back to someone who mentally abuses you. It will only bring more agony and unhappiness and feelings much worse than guilt. Block him, go total no contact. His life is his responsibility as your life is yours. Take care, guard your lifeand your heart and move forwards. There will always be challenges like this and testing times but please be strong as there is better relationships out there for you and happier times. Life's too short to waste on abusers.
Dec 31 - 11AM (Reply to #11)
braveangel_12
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My now ex-narc and I started

My now ex-narc and I started up again after a 6 month break-up last year before the holidays. I was doing quite well. I could hardly believe he was calling after all that time! I was elated. We were right back to where we left off. It's only natural that you feel bad for him this time of year. I think, even though most of them seem unbent by holidays, they surge with the need for NS. It's amazing to me that the times you are most vulnerable for companionship (like New Years)we will turn to the narc. Resist him.
Dec 31 - 7AM
Used
Used's picture

melba

You feel GUILT b/c you are a CARING PERSON..... LET ME ASK YOU THIS.... DO YOU THINK HE FEELS ANY GUILT WHAT SO EVER FOR WHAT HE HAS PUT YOU THRU? THE ANSWER IS NO NO NO......SO HE HAS TEXTED YOU PATHETIC , UNSTABLE TEXTS COS HE KNOWS THEY WILL GET TO YOU.... YOU HAVE TO THINK OF YOU AND ONLY YOU.....BECAUSE BELIEVE ME....HE NEVER WILL.... THEY PUT US THRU HELL... THEY ARE THE ONES THAT SHOULD FEEL GUILT...BUT THEY NEVER HAVE AND NEVER WILL.... LOVE AND LOOK AFTER YOURSELF.... NOT SOME EMPTY VESSEL ,WHO IS SO PATHETIC HE SENDS PITY ME TEXTS....
Dec 30 - 8PM
nomoredenial
nomoredenial's picture

Melba

I struggle with this too, I am feeling guilty for asking for child support, what the hell is wrong with me? I will read the answers people give to becasue I need to know too
Dec 30 - 8PM
Layla
Layla's picture

Melba for the love of God, please listen to Goldie!!!

Oh my gosh Melba.....please BLOCK HIM!!!! Let me share with you.....after eight years of HELLISH abuse from my husband....after eight years of the cops being called, restraining orders he "talked me out of dropping"....abuse of all kinds physically, sexually....etc...etc....putting up with his violent outbursts, punching holes in walls...smoking crack in the garage...etc...etc....I finally had him kicked out for GOOD this past June 2 and I went THROUGH SIMILAR GUILT FEELINGS!! Traumatized! I was beyond traumatized by this ABUSIVE AZZHOLE who is absolutely UNDESERVING to ever be in my presence again. EVER! Flash forward almost 7 months NC, the grace of God, this forum and therapy, THE WORLD IS A NEW PLACE FOR ME!!! PLEASE MELBA, BLOCK HIM and move forward in healing! It gets much better and faster than you realize....just give it a shot..... I normally do not jump on here so strong with a post but when I read you were feeling GUILTY and you are "newer" here, my heart just broke for you. You are right in your thinking- remember WHAT HE DID TO YOU!!! Do you think he feels "guilty" about what he did to you???? HE DOESN'T! Melba, be strong, let's ring in the new year narc free, OK?? I believe in you- believe in yourself. You deserve love, kindness, compassion and honesty. Did HE give you those things??? love~ Layla
Dec 30 - 8PM (Reply to #7)
Melba
Melba's picture

Layla, thank you.

I really needed to hear those truths and your experiences. I need to put myself first and that means thinking about my welfare above exN's. I cringe when I say those words, but I HAVE to.... :)
Dec 30 - 8PM (Reply to #5)
Layla
Layla's picture

Also want to add........

Each of these soul stealing ABUSERS know how to push our buttons...he KNOWS he can guilt you- BELIEVE IT!!! My abuser tried that crap too for a spell, but once he was blocked off of everything, I think he got the message LOUD AND CLEAR. You abuser will guilt you with sappy songs or texts, etc... if he has to- usually totally unrelated to how he USUALLY ACTS/SAYS........ They will do WHATEVER IT IS GOING TO TAKE FOR THEM. It's all one big GAME to them. WE are a GAME to them. DISGUSTING! love~ Layla
Dec 31 - 12AM (Reply to #6)
nomoredenial
nomoredenial's picture

You abuser will guilt you with sappy songs or texts, etc

sheesh even this is textbook
Dec 30 - 7PM
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Don't do it Melba

Being with a PD creates PTSD in the mate. Along with this, often comes a delayed reactions to situations. We are not ourselves when we are still with the PD and it takes all of our effort to get them out. The initial reactions are often varied depending on the person's resolve, emotional makeup, and particular circumstances. Sounds like in your case you are getting a delayed reaction now that the hard part is over, getting him out. Course he is going to start with all of his antics. The best course of actions is to block him on the phone so you have no clue what he is saying. My X has most likely been texting up a storm as he has been calling and dropping by as well over the holiday season. It is always best NOT to know what they are saying because it is all manipulation anyway and it sounds like whatever he is saying is doing the trick, it is working on you. Now you are full of guilt if this is what it is, sometimes addiction for him and sentimentality are also at play, particularly during the holiday season, don't forget we are still in the heart of it, Happy New Year's is right around the corner. What exactly do you feel guilty about? Not being better supply? Not putting up with more abuse? Not being a bigger sucker and pawn for his sick unhealthy games? I sure felt like the "fool" after mine left. The first time I cried hysterically for days, probably weeks, the next time just a wimper, and by the end, it was like if you don't get your sorry ass out of here NOW, I am going to explode from your very presense in my house. This has to be a self esteem issue, like you are not feeling worthy today of something better in your life. You do not have to feel guilty about what happens to him. I hope that this guilt does not include having to talk with him, text him, or try to help him with his phoney pitiful attempts at sucking you back in. Think long and hard about what he did and what he is before you consider responding to this bait and please, for the love of God, BLOCK HIM. Stop reading this dribble. Responding will only bring you more PAIN. God bless, Goldie
Dec 30 - 8PM (Reply to #3)
Melba
Melba's picture

Thank you greatly

for the validation. I really needed that. I think I'm feeling guilty for (supposedly) hurting him by leaving (yes, not putting up with his continued mental abuse), and for not spending Christmas with him and his family as we had previously planned. I tried blocking him but it didn't work and I had to go back into the Apple store to try and fix it. I know I am worthy of something far greater, but when I started to feel the guilt my mind seemed to go numb and I could not remember the bad. It felt like I was responsible for his feelings?? I will endeavour with everything that is within me, not to succumb to his deceptions, and continue to glean all the wisdom and truth from members on this forum. :)
Dec 30 - 7PM
janemarie
janemarie's picture

I understand your feelings of

I understand your feelings of guilt...my guilt were part of the reasons I kept going back...but after the 4th time...there was no turning back... What helped me was to constantly think of the last few days that led to me to leaving....it's very easy to think of all the good times and to think.."well maybe this time he really is soo sorry that it will be different" The body's natural defense mechanism is to remember the good and discard the bad....think of the bad...concentrate on it...focus on that driving force that brought you to the point of walking away...You and only YOU can do that for yourself... I know it's hard especially when you love them so much...I get it!!! But love yourself more and stick to your guns!! I hope this was helpful!! Good luck!! xoxo