HELP!I am obssessing and stalking him

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#1 Jan 29 - 9AM
cristina
cristina's picture

HELP!I am obssessing and stalking him

Please dont think any bad of me,I feel so alone.I did an awful,I hacked the facebook of a person who is on the OWs facebook just to look at her page and see him,since he has no facebook.I am so ashamed of myself,I dont want to lose control like this.They spent a great xmas,he helped her with cooking and all so now Im not even sure he is a narcissist anymore.I mean when the fuck will the honeymoon be over?I cant afford a session with Goldie till the 20th of February but I need u people so bad.my head hurts like crazy and I feel like I cant go on without him.He seems so happy with her,she takes care of him so so good.How can I even be sure he is a N anymore?Im in so much pain.

Jan 30 - 5AM
maky1
maky1's picture

sometimes i think Facebook is

sometimes i think Facebook is a narcissist playground. there are studies showing that people get depressed looking at Facebook because they are comparing their lives to everyone else. and what is it we see on there? a bunch of people making themselves important by posting every little thing they do. look at me look at me. here i am at this party, here i am saying this clever thing, here i am eating this here i am with this guy. a lot of it is just people pumping themselves up, trying to be something, carrying on relationships and some sort of presence over a webpage while losing social skills. Facebook is weird. probably should limit your time on it and ignore the posts and pictures.
Jan 30 - 10AM (Reply to #50)
tresor2
tresor2's picture

Narcissist Playground

I couldn't agree with you more. So much of it is about "look at me." It's also a great N hunting ground. Seems there's a lot of competition about how many friends one has. I'm old school and dont' believe on putting my life out for everyone to see but, I can understand the attraction to it. Employers are begninning to look at Facebook to find out more about potential employees and some don't get hired because of what they see. Bottom line, Facebook is a huge trigger for those trying to heal from N abuse. Facebook needs to be on the NO CONTACT list.
Jan 30 - 5AM
maky1
maky1's picture

it's a facade, don't worry.

it's a facade, don't worry. people can be in horrible relationships for many years and no one ever catches on because they still go out and put on a lovey-dovey show in public, too. I know it seems unfair. What is important here is you moving past your bad relationship with him. YOu healing YOu. whatever person he is with her has nothing to do with you and what you went through with him. he was what he was with you. pay attention to what your relationship with him was, not what kind of person he is with her. How was he with you? was he a monster narc? then that is that. that is what you need to deal with. The monster cannot learn from relationships and bad behavior. the monster just moves onto the next so he can stay in his fantasy denial world. He can't ever look at anything uncomfortable in himself or take responsibility, so he will hide it all in some facade of a great relationship with someone else. But it is fake. she cannot wave a magic wand and create a wonderful guy. a man who moves on and becomes better with the next woman is a man who made mistakes and processed them and learned from them and took responsibility and took an initiative to work on himself and change himself (like what you will be doing right now). a man who is better with another woman is one who took time in between relationships to figure out what went wrong, what he values and what he wants and what he needs to do and be. maybe that man went to therapy. the narcs do not ever go through the post-relationship grieving and learning process. they can't. therapy doesn't work with them, either. so yeah, he is still the narc, don't worry. was he a monster with you from day one? if he was, I doubt you would have dated him. this woman may not see the full-fledged monster for a while. it's important for them to get adoration, so he may be playing it in overdrive to get her hooked. Don't live your life waiting for him to mess up with someone else or for someone else to hate him and see him for what he is. they are going down their paths. let that go. you have your lessons to learn from all this. the urge to stalk will be there for a while, and with today's technology it is easy to keep up on people. distract yourself from that. he was horrible with YOU. what he is with her is nothing because you need him out of your life and mind. do the steps to wean off of him and to start healing.
Jan 30 - 12AM
dulcinea441
dulcinea441's picture

Trust me, it's not a matter

Trust me, it's not a matter of IF but WHEN...the new girlfriend will be devalued and discarded once she no longer satisfies his needs. As for you, don't even try to figure out what those needs could be. They could be anything, from trying to weasel money and a place to stay out of her, or making himself look good in the eyes of others, or simply because he's riding the high of having adoring new prey in his grasp. Whatever it is, there's no real love involved on his part. Please stop torturing yourself by trying to make sense out of the senseless. He is a parasite. Let me repeat, he is a PARASITE. Remember, when we begin to see past their masks, when we finally get wise to them and their sickness, they run for the hills. Always.
Jan 29 - 7PM
LightAtTheEndOf...
LightAtTheEndOfTheTunnel's picture

Cristina.. girlllll F*** OW

Cristina.. girlllll F*** OW and F*** him! The cycle will repeat, FB pictures aren't sh**! A year ago this time before my birthday my Narc hit me, dragged me out hi car and dumped me at my doorstep. A few day later we looked a "picture" of happiness at my Birthday Dinner. Trust me i understand your need for validation i really do and maybe its easy for me as ive had the validation i need from my ex Narc through him re-contacting me attempting to engage me for s*x and other Narc BS behind the OW he left me for. As far as im concerned he can go F*** himself and so can OW. I KNOW what hes putting her through as that used to be me.. and hi ex wife used to be me and the one before that was me. They don't change so dont think a pretty picture mean anything. Concentrate on you and your recovery and stop the peeking on FB. Even though im "over" the relationship that F***** will remain on block for the rest of my FB days and his OW and any other OW i ever hear of in the future he lures into his lair because my emotional health is worth far more than his brutal mind f********. Take Care of yourself Cristina, All is never well in paradise when it comes to these creatures xx
Jan 30 - 12AM (Reply to #45)
fallingfoward
fallingfoward's picture

Light at the

I read your post, sorry that you went through that. But thank you for sharing. The ow posted pics of them together, laughing, having a good time. I had just slept with him two days earlier, while he kept saying how he loved me. (I didn't know about her for sure, he told me they were old pics, she couldn't get over him) fucking liar. So glad I'm out of all that. It helps being reminded that facebook is many times false images.
Jan 30 - 2AM (Reply to #46)
LightAtTheEndOf...
LightAtTheEndOfTheTunnel's picture

FallingForward

Most definitely! We think they are having such a great day with the Narc after us because of the brutal ways we are discarded after the final DD. For me i was able to realise the "nice" guy i thought was my boyfriend was a snake when i was able to get his phone in the night and read how he treated his ex wife by scrolling to old texts he had sent her being cruel and looking at previous hoover attempts - yuck. OW that replaced me to my knowledge has been DD'ed twice and is still hanging in there for more "crazy". What she doesnt know is that day on the beach will never return... sad but true. Also they will say.. sorry LIE to cover up their tracks about anything!!! xx
Jan 30 - 12AM (Reply to #44)
fallingfoward
fallingfoward's picture

Light at the

I read your post, sorry that you went through that. But thank you for sharing. The ow posted pics of them together, laughing, having a good time. I had just slept with him two days earlier, while he kept saying how he loved me. (I didn't know about her for sure, he told me they were old pics, she couldn't get over him) fucking liar. So glad I'm out of all that. It helps being reminded that facebook is many times false images.
Jan 29 - 2PM
Lookonthesunnyside
Lookonthesunnyside's picture

Cristina, Im so sorry you're

Cristina, Im so sorry you're feeling this way, but Im also so glad to see Im not the only one. I have spent hours searching people's profiles on facebook to try and see what my ex is up to. I feel obsessed too and its making me feel crazy. I also just cannot let rest all the uncertainties and all the questions about how much he lied about/what hes doing now/who he's seeing/if theyre happy/what he thinks about our relationship. I cant say it any better than the other posters have, but you are absolutely not alone in this. I can relate 100% to how you're feeling, and I know how awful it is. Just remind yourself that you will never find anything on facebook that will make you feel better, its impossible. There will be no picture or wall post that will make you feel okay about the way this man treated you. The things you will find will only make you feel worse. So dont beat yourself up, but remember this next time you're tempted to snoop. I really hope you're feeling better! As you can see you are not alone. xo
Jan 29 - 2PM (Reply to #42)
Snowflake
Snowflake's picture

Sunnyside

To some extent we are all like this and its a horrible horrible way to feel..fb is the easy option if your guy is on there, if not you play scenarios in your head... Its horrible horrible horrible..I wish my life was as boring as it was before I met him... NC needs renaming..it should be NCNFL..no contact no fucking looking...you are still killing your soul and healing by looking even if you dont respond. My N isnt on FB and I cant imagine how devastated I would be and how much it would hinder my recovery to see pics on there...please DONT LOOK. Block FB on your computer temp if you hav to..look girls there has to be some willpower somewhere...
Jan 29 - 2PM (Reply to #41)
Snowflake
Snowflake's picture

Sunnyside

To some extent we are all like this and its a horrible horrible way to feel..fb is the easy option if your guy is on there, if not you play scenarios in your head... Its horrible horrible horrible..I wish my life was as boring as it was before I met him...
Jan 29 - 2PM
midnight7
midnight7's picture

For anyone who is still in

For anyone who is still in the deepest shock by what they've experienced, who is obsessing so that it prevents normal activities, who is finding it difficult to negotiate the dynamics of their relationship with the N, N behaviour/character traits, and the depth of the betrayal and abuse - reading or re-reading Lisa's books would be beneficial. It is truly difficult to believe and process what we have been through until we have read a great deal, acquired tools to work with, analyzed the information, and compared it with our own personal experience and the experience of others as this forum provides. In time it is possible to stand back, objectively view what occurred, and see what the N really is, the extent of his/her abuse, and how it has affected you. It's an ongoing process for all of us but it is wonderful when the fog starts lifting.
Jan 29 - 12PM
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Obsession

Well, from what I read below -- you never really understood why this relationship ended. He gave you money for your son & is off with his New Woman. I assume you were in love with this man. &, obviously, it seems that he was not in love with you. But then Narcissists cannot love anybody so it's not personal to you. I think there is a need to find out who exactly is this person with whom I was involved. When I began to realize what a liar & manipulator mine was . . . I was stunned. I wanted to find out more & more of what the truth was & what was the extent of the lies. I was contacted by the woman who followed me. We compared his "stories" -- that is, his manufactured mythologies. Stories about me, what I said & did -- all lies. After this, I contacted his first ex-wife. Wow! What a revelation. Very little of what he told me about that relationship was true. When one has been conned, cheated & manipulated -- there is a need to know. I don't condone such obsessions. I think it's unhealthy. I must admit -- every once in awhile, I google my N's name to find out what he's up to. He's got that kind of a career. He doesn't do FB or any social websites -- he's pathologically secretive (never let anybody know what you're doing, mine's real smart). But his significant career events are on the web. I think there is some peace of mind that comes when one realizes that one was taken & conned. That the whole relationship was not real. One was just used. And he's doing it again. He will break her heart as he did your's. And this is not his FB page with all their happiness together cooking, etc. It was a page of a friend of the New Woman. All filtered through her mind's eye. All that stuff posted about their happiness -- it's his mask of sanity. Believe, there is something wrong with a man who sends money for a child's bicycle & is suddenly gone. And then is suddenly deeply involved with another woman. And that he's left you so shattered. A normal man would not do that. Relationships fail. Seems to me you don't know why your's failed. It failed not due to any lack on your part. It failed because (for some unknown to you reason) you were no longer useful to him. And thank your stars that he's gone. Sometimes they stay for 20 years & after they've extracted & tortured -- they can then suddenly vanish. When a N is finished with you -- you are tossed aside without a single thought. As if you were a lemon rind tossed on the garbage heap after all the juice has been extracted. You are as significant & useful to him now as if you were a lemon rind in the trash. He doesn't even think about you. This is not normal behavior. People who have shared something significant & part, these people generally have a gradual separation. It's not from one day to another as if the whole relationship never occurred. Take care. And try not to think about him so much. I think there may be a time when you see him for what he truely is & will wonder what did you ever see in him? I know I feel that way now. It takes time. It takes about two years to get over being in love. Hopefully being fully engaged in your own activities will reduce the time frame.
Jan 29 - 1PM (Reply to #36)
cristina
cristina's picture

Agnes,bless your heart.You

Agnes,bless your heart.You said it so good.You are so right,part of my pain and confusion is because I dont understand why it ended.Well he didnt end it,he just left the Air Force in May telling me he will go to his hometown because he needs some time to find himself again.He was kicked out of the Air Force because of downsize.So he let me believe he goes to his hometown,gets well and then comes to me in Europe.Then he kept contacting me saying he is in a ptsd clinic,trying to get better for me and him,later I found out he hasent even been to Iraq so he had no ptsd but he loved playing the veteran. And you are right again,I try to understand what happened,who is this man that i literally adored?And if they only use you,what did he use me for?What did I give him that was so valuable?When he was already living with OW and before I foudn out,he sent me a song talking about many crooks tried to steal your heart...something like that and when I listened to it,I felt like he was sending me a message,like he was laughing in my face,like he finally let me know he was just a crook.It was a strange feeling.
Jan 29 - 4PM (Reply to #38)
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Song

Well, maybe that was the message. Maybe he was telling you the truth. Laughing in your face. That he was a crook. Psychopaths do that. They rip off the mask in the end & reveal the truth. And then they just smirk. It's the power. Some of these guys are pure evil. They enjoy hurting people. Mine got a real kick out of causing other people pain. They do what they do because they can. it's as simple as that. It makes no sense. Psychologists & psychiatrists do not know what makes these guys tick or why they are what they are. This is why one must just get away, no contact. Cut the losses. Enough time has been wasted on the non-relationship, all the tears at the loss of the non-relationship. Recovery from the trauma of abuse or the realization that none of it was real. Don't waste too much time tracking him down & his current woman. Focus on yourself. It will get better.
Jan 29 - 2PM (Reply to #37)
Snowflake
Snowflake's picture

Look sorry I was hard on you

In a strange place at the mo and you remind me so much of me in some ways...I just see similarities BUT different in that you are a young girl with your life ahead of you, beautiful girl, please please..the world really is your oyster..think about it x
Jan 29 - 10AM
aceonelady
aceonelady's picture

I am obssessing too...and feeling terrible

I am NC but i am obssessing since he did contact me 4 moths ago,i was fine...but since Christmas,i am feeling angry,sad and is like i am 24/7 wondering why he tells me he just wonders i am not writing him any emails lately...and tells me nothing about having other women,or relationships...he tells me the only things he needs and wants is his death...he said he will end up alone and that no one can put up with him...Why doesn't he throws at my face the women conquests as others Ns do? I wish i knew what he is up to...is just killing me,my imagination is working 24/7....i feel sick,really...i wish i knew if he has someone and if sexually is better than with me...he couldn't keep it up...he told me i was too much work in bed...I wish i knew.

Aceonelady

Jan 29 - 10AM
Emptyheart
Emptyheart's picture

You are not the only one!!

Christina, this is me too!! I have been so obsessed with mine that I have actually woke in the night sobbing to myself, the pillow wet with real tears, thinking I need to go drive past his house. He is on my mind every minute of the day, where is he, what is he doing, is he seeing her, is he saying the same things to her as he did me????? Even if he isn't, I will NEVER believe it. What you did was out of total obsession for him and the things he has done to you have made made you that way, and he didn't make you that way by being loving, caring, sincere to you did he!! He made you that way because apart from your gut instinct telling you he wasn't sincere, his actual actions PROVED to you that he wasn't!! The constant confusion of your gut instinct and what you see with your own eyes, and then this professional con man manipulating you into believing his lies, leaves you in a state of constant turmoil. You can see it's all going on, but he tells you it isn't all the time, and your normal human emotions NEED to be able to let it be true, it's easier, it means we will stop hurting for a little while, and so we let it go on. Eventually you get to the point where you think 'if only I had proof, I would then know I'm not imagining all this' Needing that proof then becomes a must and it goes on from there. I'm afraid I did get proof though that mine was also seeing another woman, but I STILL chose to try to believe that it was ME he wanted, me he loved, and the other one was only for the 'whore' side of things. My God what was I thinking?? I have done similar to you, driven past his work, sat there and thought 'what the hell are you doing, what difference will it make?' It was that which made me take a long hard look at myself. I had to remind myself that I had changed, I wasn't me anymore, and I want me back, I was and am a good person, never did anything crmiminal in my life, never did a thing to hurt another living soul. The only person I was hurting was ME!! You need to do like I did, tell yourself that he IS with her, its her turn now, there is nothing you can do about that, when he is done with her, there will be another one!! Don't feel bad for what you did, I know how you feel ,it only gave me something else to worry about as if I din't already have enough. I tell myself every morning when i wake,,, it doesn't matter where he is or what he is doing, he isn't with me and if he was, I would be back to square one and on the verge of a breakdown!!
Jan 29 - 10AM (Reply to #33)
cristina
cristina's picture

Oh god yes,the confusion and

Oh god yes,the confusion and the gut feeling.I always had this feeling I cant trust him when i turn my back and I was right.1 time i was away on weekend with the kids and when I got back,I saw he contacted a certain girl that I wasnt comfy with.He deleted and blocked her and told me I need to stop thinking he is flirting with girls.All this while he already was cheating online,making plans to meet this married woman and fuck her and her husband.I love you to your face and then backstabbing you like that.Same he already did while living with Ow,he was at her desktop at night writing me how much he loves me,and that after they were living 1 month together lol.So if he was capable of doing that after 1 month,why would he stop now right?But he convinced her all those emails were a set up,even though I gave her his email password to check for herself,check the ip.She told her mom no person can look you straight in the eyes and lie so he was honest lol.She will find out that a pathological liar can do that without even skiping a bit.
Jan 29 - 9AM
cristina
cristina's picture

3 days after exposing him,the

3 days after exposing him,the OW was talking to his brother and told him what an amazing guy her bf is.Denial much?Its like she doesnt even care he lied to her,writing me from her desktop while she was sleeping or waiting on the school bus.She met him 2 months after being out of an abusive relationship,I mean what woman and mother moves in with a guy after 1 month of knowing him online?Tell me thats iresponsible,especially for a mom. What actually helps me not dount myself is what her family told me after i contacted them all.They all realized he is fake and warned the OW to tread carefully but she is gullible and has a big heart and wont listen to anyone.So I tell myself that several peopel cant be wrong if they saw he is fake,they r more objective from the outside.
Jan 29 - 10AM (Reply to #31)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

DING,DING,DING .. She met him

DING,DING,DING .. She met him 2 months after being in an abusive relationship..the perfect prey.. Hunter
Jan 29 - 9AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Its not about him being a

Its not about him being a Narc or not.. (His behavior sure sounds like it) Its about your behavior.. it needs to stop.. you are the one who needs to stop it.. I did the same types of things and I told myself I need to stop.. He was the one causing my irrational behavior and I made the decision to move on.. ask yourself what did you gain? If he stays with OW for 20 years this is no longer your problem.. what they do or don't do is not your business.. Hunter
Jan 29 - 1PM (Reply to #28)
Snowflake
Snowflake's picture

Ok it needs to stop NOW

Stop it stop it stop it stop it!!!!! What are you hoping to achieve! Fucks sake girl, beautiful, world at your feet what the fuck are you messing at? Listen to me, these men go from being horrible to nice depending on their level of supply...come on, what are you hoping to achieve? Are you hoping to see that he is really missing you on F/b..sorry it aint going to happen...F|B is pretty fake pictures. Stop doing it to yourself, really angry with you because I care x
Jan 29 - 2PM (Reply to #29)
cristina
cristina's picture

What I was hoping to

What I was hoping to achieve?To see him miserable and pay for what he did.Im mad that he got away with it!!!I wanted to see that she threw him out and he is homeless now.Or that there is trouble in paradise.Basically I want to be there when karma will kick his ass,I want to see him suffer and pay.
Jan 29 - 9AM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

This is a horrible stage of

This is a horrible stage of your journey. Obsession makes you feel crazy. And it's exactly how he wants you to feel. He is a pro, without a doubt. Not every member will experience this level of obsession, but the ones that do, feel themselves sliding back to the very beginning and reliving their D & D all over again. Making it even more unbearable this time around. The reason I believe, is because the first time, you are consumed with hurt, pain, and you suffer heartbreak. This time around, it becomes personal, you opened Pandora's box and brought it on yourself. So you are angry, upset, disappointed with yourself, and ashamed of your actions. You have probably never behaved in this manner ever in your life, and are left with more questions than you ever had before. You are not alone. And this too will pass. Obsession is part of the experience for many of us. We wake up and the first thought is the narc. We spend every waking moment thinking of them what they are doing, how they are feeling, are they thinking of us, are they hurting like us. It's these questions that we continue to ask ourself and struggle with and makes us want to find the answers. Hence, hacking a Facebook account, in your case. The problem is, when we search for the answers about them and/or the OW, we will never come up with anything positive. The answers will not help us, in fact, they can only hurt us more. Redirect your questions and curiosities to yourself. You and your recovery is what matters. They don't, they are irrelevant in your recovery. It does not matter if they are happy, it won't make things any easier for you. And trust me when I tell you, the happiness that you suggest they are experiencing, is not real. It is no more real than the relationship you had with him. Be thankful that he is gone from your life. He is an unhealthy, disordered menace, that spends his life reaching havoc on others. The only joy he receives in life is hurting and destroying others. The best revenge, is healing. Stay strong my friend. This is hard, the hardest thing you will ever have to do, but the journey is well worth it. Work on you.........and don't "lift any more rocks" looking for answers. It will only bring you more pain.
Jan 29 - 11AM (Reply to #26)
Run4it
Run4it's picture

Perfect Sparrow

I'm saving this one to remind myself....
Jan 29 - 9AM
Used
Used's picture

cristina

WEATHER HE IS A NARC OR NOT IS NOW NOT EVEN A QUESTION TO BE ASKING YOURSELF... He is still with someone else , after treating you like rubbish......ANY LABEL FOR HIM IS IMMATERIAL....ITS HIS ACTIONS THAT MATTER.... This is never a good idea, looking at him or for him.... THATS WHY NC IS SO IMPORTANT...AND THAT INCLUDES LOOKING AT THINGS LIKE THIS.... HOW ON EARTH CAN YOU HACK A F/B?... YOU ARE FEELING SAD AND LONELY AND DEPRESSED TO DO THIS, AND NOW YOU FEEL WORSE....THEY MAY STILL BE IN *HONEYMOON MODE*...BUT YOU KNOW IT WILL NOT LAST...IT NEVER DOES!!!! IT DIDNT WITH YOU...IT WON'T WITH HER... YOU MUST STOP TORTURING YOURSELF, OR YOU WILL NEVER BE FREE......X
Jan 29 - 10AM (Reply to #24)
cristina
cristina's picture

See he is banned from her

See he is banned from her parents house but on Christmas he went there with her and the kids.Her mom allowed him in the house only to please her but she said it was a 1 time only.See but her mom doesnt know he used her daughter to get in the house,he knew mom wouldnt say no on christmas.And what normal person goes to a house where you know you are not wanted and liked but you have no problem being there,eating the food,not being embarassed at all that people know what you did.
Jan 29 - 9AM (Reply to #9)
cristina
cristina's picture

Thats the thing,he never

Thats the thing,he never treated me like rubbish.The day he left the airbase,he sent me money to buy my son a bike on his birthday and called me on skype to say bye and i love u.3 hours later he was with the OW at the airport going home to her.Maybe it would be easier for me if he would have called me names or things i read on here but no he was always pleasing me.
Jan 29 - 9AM (Reply to #21)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

The day he left was the day

The day he left was the day the Rubbish began.. I had the same treatment.. queen one day. Rubbish the very next. This is abusive behavior.. don't kid yourself. Hunter