hes having a baby

19 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Feb 21 - 4PM
broken23
broken23's picture

hes having a baby

I havent posted in a long time, but I could use some support today....
Today I found out he is having a baby and ofcourse I started crying. It hurts once again to face that after all the betrayal, he left, married her, and 9 months later she is having a baby. I feel like every few months I get a new blow. But this one stung a lot.
With me he was always talking about how he never wants kids, but apparently now he does. What else do i except, everything out of his mouth is a lie. Im sure there is some advantage in it for him to have one now in his life.
Regardless Why does it always seem like his life moves along so easily without a glitch. ahhh! I say "seem" because I am far enough in my recovery to know what i see is a glimpse into how his real life is.
But for all of you who have experience with N as a co-parent or father, can you remind me why I am glad its not me.

Feb 23 - 9AM
c_jennings
c_jennings's picture

if i could...

choose a different father for my children i would in an instant... my exN works with children and is magical and wonderful at his job since he only has to engage on a superficial level with them....his own kids...forget it....he lives 5 1/2 hours away (his choice)...is not involved in any day-to-day parenting, school, etc...the time he does spend with them (every 2-3 weeks at best) is usually playing video games or watching movies/tv and the kids tell me he often naps, he generally brings in a cousin, his mother or girlfriend so he doesnt have alot of one-on-one time with them and on the occasions when they go anywhere fun its all over facebook so he looks like a great dad... my kids are pretty much onto him and know that they are only going to get limited "parenting" from him so take the snippets they get and dont expect much ...my daughter says she thinks of him more like an uncle than a father ... my/his son has little respect for him....my son from my earlier marriage was bullied and belittled by him ... (though he will deny ALL of this) and from my end i am raising these kids all by myself, so lucky me i get all the anger, etc but better for them.... oh yeah and he had a child right before we met from a one night stand that he didnt want anything to do with who has just initiated contact...which for her sake i hope she stays far away from him..... hows that...feeling better yet???
Feb 23 - 8AM
oceangirl
oceangirl's picture

Last but not least.....

Last but not least, I think I will be glad when my ex-N has a baby with the OW; this will keep him busier and tied to her and having to keep up his fake life with her, impressing her family over the new baby, blah blah, his big, high-paying job, blah blah. All of these things keep the ex-N way too busy to bug me! YAY!!! The busier he is now wrapped up in his new lies with the OW, the less time he will have to bother myself and my son. Freedom.
Feb 23 - 8AM
oceangirl
oceangirl's picture

Be thankful for what you have

Be thankful for what you have, not what you wished it couldn't have been. My ex-N never said anything nice to me when I was pregnant. He only said porn-related comments. Then, when my son was an infant and I asked if the N could bring our son to me in the middle of the night so I could nurse him, he said, (and he was a Marine Corps Dirll Instructor) "I trained myself not to hear the recruits, so I cannot hear our baby". Fucking idiot. Are you kidding me???!!! And there is a list of other non-romantic stories I could post. But, in the end, he abused our son/my son, really, and now, he is with the OW and her two kids and I can only pray that she calls 911 when he starts hurting her kids. Be glad you are not the OW and having a baby with him. As Lisa posts on the NARCSPEAK page of this site, men want babies for the same reason they have puppies; to attract chicks. Be strong! You can do it! :)
Feb 21 - 11PM
FaintingGoat
FaintingGoat's picture

I've been raising 3 kids with

I've been raising 3 kids with exNH for 18 years and it SUCKS. I would not wish this kind of parent on any kid. Our kids have been exposed to way too much adult drama thanks to exNH. They have also been used by him to make himself look like father of the year while he refuses to take care of their needs. I can tell you many ways that our kids are messed up, but it would take pages and pages. I really fear for their future.
Feb 21 - 10PM
marisha
marisha's picture

"Do not wish that you were

"Do not wish that you were that woman. Pity that poor woman. You have the chance to go on and have a child with someone wonderful and you will enjoy the experience. That poor woman will be robbed of enjoying the initial stages of mother hood..just like I was." I totally can sign up under this! Ex narc in my life, used to always brag about his ex wife mother of his other 2 kids, that she is this and that, and that when she was pregnant, and post pregnancies HE THOUGHT and TOLD her she was ugly and fat and until she deals with the body issue he couldn't touch her with a 10 feet pole, he was having affairs, and she would find underwear in his car...etc... and he is not exaggerating or lying as his mother confirmed to me all these stories... so i understand this news hurts a lot!!! but honestly THERE IS NOTHING TO ENVY for that woman... Poor woman will suffer eventually... i feel bad for you as this news inevitably makes you think all this questions why not with me why she etc... i don't have answers... except that maybe she was more pushy to get him and offered more supply to allure him... but unfortunately it just going to bite her in the end... i don't want to be mean spirited and say that I wish these all OW the bad luck.. honestly I want to be wrong about at least one of these "men"... but they are so cliche they keep doing these same things... using this same pattern... like robots.. what scares me how many there are of them!!! anyway, in addition to this post, i would like to share with all of you, that my Best Friend practically my sister, now is going through the same thing!!! after DD in July, her ex moved on, brought a woman from different state who was the reason of their break up altogether cause he was constantly chit chatting with her on the facebook,claiming they were just friends... so he brought her to his life, his apartment his family immediately after the LIVE IN GF of 5 years .. moved out... and now this new ow is pregnant... and he had a nerve to ask my friend to keep in touch be friends with him and his new wife and maybe occasionally to have cup of coffee with them, as she is not a stranger after so many years together... poor girl is BROKEN completely, however, she is in denial of the NPD and she cannot grasp what is happened and what is happening with her... she thinks that she didn't perform well in some areas which he "kindly" pinpointed to her .. and that's why he moved on...i am trying to explain but she is not educated enough... don't know how to help her... probably with all of yours permission, going to let her read this particular branch of this board??? maybe she'll see finally that the problem is not within her abilities or inabilities to do the house chores exactly as He likes it... hm... regards and hugs to all. M.
Feb 21 - 9PM
janemarie
janemarie's picture

I have read that Narcs will

I have read that Narcs will sometimes use their own children as supply...a feed to their ego...cause children are easily manipulated and look up to their parents....Narcs feed off of that!! My exboyfriend adored his kids, when he was in the mood for them...but most times he ordered and controlled them like a drill sgt. in the marines!!! His ex wife...that poor woman...has to deal with him and his constant disagreement with everything she tries to do right by their kids forever.... SHE has to deal with him for the rest of her life...BUT YOU DONT!!!!!!!! My exhusband and i are bound for the rest of our lives...he constantly upsets the kids, gives them guilt trips..criticizes them....it sucks...They came home tonite...2 of my 3 kids were crying cause he backed out on a promise and gave them guilt trips...He refuses to take any advise from me reguarding the kids...and it's frustrating.... I know this must kill you in some way....but in many ways you made out perfectly...without any permanent ties to him!!! You should hi five yourself for that!!! xoxo
Feb 21 - 8PM
missym
missym's picture

I have a 12 year old lovely

I have a 12 year old lovely daughter with Narc exH. He cannot, will not, parent her in a selfless way...never did, never will. Yes...he does all kinds of "show" things to demonstrate what a "great guy and father" he is....as he shoves OW down her throat and did so within weeks of his moving out of our home. No matter how much I plea with him to be with her alone...so she can feel less abandonment and rejection...he will not listen to me, or anyone. While I was pregnant, whichh I believe is when his distancing REALLY started, he hated how I looked, would not make love to me, never really got into it at all by participating in doc visits, or any of the excitement normal healthy adults expecting would. Then....he stymied my desire to have another child for YEARS. I would not be surprised if OW skank gets pregnant. She is a narc too. But....and it will sting...I will know what the REAL story is...and once the baby is here, or even before...he will be well on his way exiting the "relationship"....even if he stays around because she has money.... You will be ok...and remember that you are free.
Feb 21 - 8PM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

My heart bleeds for you right

My heart bleeds for you right now. I know that even though you have recovered, news of this magnitude hurts. It just does. Like being punched in the gut. I remember that same feeling recently, a little different, mine got married. It's hard to accept initially, but the hurt will subside very quickly. I promise. As far as him having a baby when he claimed never to want one..........he is in for a rude awakening. Narcs resent their infant children because they lose their supply. The attention shifts from the narc to the baby. This is when most begin their hunt for new supply. Terrible isn't it? Be ever so thankful it wasn't you. As many member here can attest to. The saddest form of a parent is a narcissist. We all no that all too well. Chin up, I know it hurts, but it's only due to the initial shock. Again, be thankful.
Feb 21 - 8PM
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

I am sorry you are hurting.

I am sorry you are hurting. May I ask, how you found this out? If it's from a 'well meaning friend,' I highly recommend omitting such a 'friend' from your life. Omit facebook if you need to. However you found this info out...I would cut out the source of delivering the message to you, out of my life. What you don't know anymore, can't hurt you. I broke up with my ex N last year, and remember the 'well meaning friends' who couldn't wait to tell me his next move, and it kept opening up new wounds. Unless this 'factoid' about this jerk was on a billboard and you couldn't help but see it...I'd remove any and all sources of reporting things to you about your ex...out of your life. I am so sorry you're hurting. You didn't need to hear about this. :(
Feb 21 - 7PM
Littleone
Littleone's picture

My two cents

I saw this and simply had to post. I had a child with my exn sociopath. My child is now 18 months old. We separated when he was 8 months old. The ex n really wanted a child so we tried and I got pregnant very quickly. His 'loving' partner facade began to fade very quickly as soon as I concieved. I suffered bad morning sickness and the n used to laugh at me and make fun of me. I would be bent over the toilet bowl throwing up and he would be standing behind me carrying on a normal conversation about himself and not understanding why I wasnt listening to him. As my body started to change...He called me names and made fun of my body shape. I was already insecure enough about myself as it was (having suffered anorexia in the past)but he made me feel ugly and unattractive. When the baby started to move in my stomach..he wouldnt touch my belly because it 'freaked him out'. I would see pregnant couples out together or in photographs and often the man would have his hand on her stomach. Never once with exn, unless I forced him. He wouldnt change the positions we had in order to make it more comfortable for us to have sex. He would still try and lie on my stomach and it was very uncomfortable and he hurt me. I was about 5 months pregnant and he wouldnt have sex with me at all...because it was a turn off to him. When I went into labor he was completely useless. I woke him in the morning to tell him I was in labor and he immediately got up and went out to get us a mcdonalds breakfast instead of staying with me during my contractions. At the hospital he took up close 'funny' photos of my face in pain and laughed about it. he was too busy socialising and trying to be the centre of attention. I ended up having to hav an emergency c section and I was scared out of my mind during the operation. I was on so many drugs I was vomiting on myself and thought I was going to die. He didnt hold my hand. He was too busy trying to look over the screen and getting told off by the surgeon. When the baby was born he had to go into the neonatal special care unit for a minor problem. While I was being sewn up he went off and named the baby without my consent. Fast forward to home... He didnt help me with anything. He pretended to be asleep when the baby cried. He went back to work the day after we got home to escape us. I was recovering from a c section and had to do everything on my own. He came home from work and yelled at me that the house was a mess and called me a fat pig. This went on for a couple of weeks and I did my best. But it wore me down. I wasnt coping with keeping up with the housework on my own but my baby was well taken care of (the most important thing). I wasnt getting much sleep. He accused me of having post natal depression when I asked for help. He threw my baby in the air at 3 weeks of age and caught him...laughing the whole time. When my son started to smile at around 6 weeks I had to force him to look at him...he simply wasnt interested. I had all these expectations that the N and I would bond and enjoy our baby together, even though it would be hard. The N just didnt seem to feel any real love for the child. Our child was simply an inconvienience to him. I dont regret having a child. But I regret with every ounce of myself having a child with an N. I didnt enjoy my pregnancy, the labor or the joy of having a newborn because of him. I feel robbed. Throughout the 8 months that we stayed there the N made fun of my weight, mothering skills, cleanliness of the house, everything. He would do things to incite a reaction from the baby- IE- poke him in the face etc. I was miserable. He also got violent with me when I asked for help. The curtains finally closed when he walked out on us in the middle of the night when I had the flu and was bedridden. He couldnt understand why I needed his help and why I was crying for mercy for him to help me. I was THAT sick. So he walked out. Told me in the most heartless and cruel way that he didnt love me anymore. Now the n is not much of a father...he sees his son one night per fortnight for an overnight stay. Thats it. My son comes back throwing temper tantrums left right and centre and cries at the sight of his father coming to pick him up. I am in the process of building a life now for my son and I. I love him with all my heart and thank god I have him. He is my angel. Life is looking up for us now...but I still have to deal with exn and unfortunately so does my son. Do not wish that you were that woman. Pity that poor woman. You have the chance to go on and have a child with someone wonderful and you will enjoy the experience. That poor woman will be robbed of enjoying the initial stages of mother hood..just like I was. WHEN they separate, she will have a lifelong tie with him. He will try and manipulate her through the child etc etc. She has made a GRAVE mistake. Do not want to be her. PITY HER.
Feb 22 - 3AM (Reply to #9)
Snowflake
Snowflake's picture

littleone

what can I say..big hug..lost for words at your post x
Feb 22 - 1AM (Reply to #8)
kartaga
kartaga's picture

littleone...thank you for

littleone...thank you for your honesty. you really are amazing and strong.
Feb 21 - 6PM
AnotherPath
AnotherPath's picture

broken23

The exN went onto impregnate another target after I left him. We co-parent two children (if you can call it that). When I left, my two were 2 years and 4 years. I left after 8 years of Narc abuse when I went to hospital in an ambulance with a suspected broken jaw and him a criminal record. Of course we have been embroiled in a 4 year custody battle and I have been to court 18 times at a huge financial and emotional cost. My children don't like him, in fact they absolutely hate seeing him, he has hurt them and for the last 2 years the judge has ordered visitation back into a contact centre every 6 weeks for 3 hours. I see how upset they are to even have to visit him, hear from him and be hugged by him. I make sure they have as normal up bringing as much as possible and do as many enjoyable things in between seeing CAFCASS, social workers and child psychiatrists. Although I exercise NC as much as I can, and that's SO much. I don't talk to him, look at him at drop off, I've blocked email and text a max of 3 times a year out of necessity. He represents himself in court so his only abuse left is this and he takes me a lot and writes so many lies. I only had to read a statement today (we go to court in 2 weeks) saying that I physically abused him made him bleed and I took drugs all day.He has no comprehension about how he looks and he thinks he's superior in intelligence. Give him enough rope. He will be able to cross examine me next time in court as he represents himself. I'm detached now, so just see him as mentally ill and it doesn't penetrate. If you have children with an N your biggest nightmare is in your face. You have a lot of healing work on a daily basis to stay well emotionally because you can't make a clean break, and you see your children being hurt. So after time and work you see the good in everyday and make life enjoyable and rejoice that life is wonderful now and know his abuse is about him and him only, and not to let it penetrate like a poisonous ink. A childhood is precious and goes fast, you only get one. No child has an abuse free time with a narcissist parent they do so much damage. I have borrowed £55,000 for legal fees and court so I'm lucky as I have been able to protect them. His new target isn't as lucky as that. I too was hurt when I found out he was having another baby. I was letting my head live in his fake fantasy life which he has shoved in my face as much as he can. The fake world that they live in a loving environment with a loving new member to their new family, as she has a 3 year old herself. That finally he has the loving family and it's.......... then I WOKE THE FUCK UP.........got myself into reality. They will live in abuse and horror, lies, cheating,put downs, the silent treatment and battering as I did and his former girlfriends. She will be responsible for introducing a narc into the life of her first child to suffer, she, knowing he had a criminal record will not be able to hang onto his lie that it was his ex (me) who beat him up, she who has had his child will be tied to the narcissist. Narcissists use everyone, they impregnate women not to have a loving family as they don't know what that is because they can't love. They do it to try and look good in society which only lasts a while before it all breaks down anyway, to keep a woman under control and then get married to take a woman's inheritance and home. I wouldn't wish that on anyone, especially the poor innocent children.

Ending the dance

Feb 21 - 6PM
needing2know
needing2know's picture

Have you ever read narcissist

Have you ever read narcissist fathers, it may help you understand a lot, they only have kids to keep a woman around, another form of control, I feel for her and that unborn child. She will forever be tied to this sick fuck!
Feb 21 - 6PM
GeorgiaGirl
GeorgiaGirl's picture

This is her "hook"

Broken, this is the only way he could keep her around. His mask was starting to slip, she was getting sick of his shit, starting to see thru him and he needed something to keep her attached...permanently. She likely has something he wants...money, position, real estate...and a child links them together for at least 18 more years. And once the baby is here and he is no longer the center of this woman's world, the shit will hit the fan in a major way. D&D will ensue, followed by either 1)a bid for custody by him or 2)a disappearing act...she will be left with 1)a child she will fight the rest of her life to see/raise as he fights to keep the child away from her or 2)a baby she can't afford (due to no child support forthcoming from N). I can see very clearly how this would be incredibly painful to find out. But this is not a situation to envy...I'm living situation #1 and its a nightmare. You can continue on with life, finish healing and live to your full potential. Something the N can't even fathom. Contact=Pain even after all this time...NC, NC, NC.
Feb 21 - 5PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

This poor woman / childi are

This poor woman / child are screwed.. Need I say more.. They are stuck with a permit ant disordered idiot.. Better her than you.. Just saying..you know it.. Hunter
Feb 21 - 5PM
Jar of hearts
Jar of hearts's picture

Not surprised

It hurts a bit totally know where your coming from my exN and Nw are going through IVF to try for his 6th child!! Sticks in my throat and stabs through my heart he D&D me at 7 months pregnant and has no relationship with our child - he decided he would with 3 of his 5 kids tho!!! So can't really comment on co parenting because he is absent unless he decides to Hoover me a bit ! I'm told I'm better off this way and can see that but still hurts a bit :-( She is no better than you at all there will be a reason as you say that suits him as they are selfish pricks at the end of the day xxx
Feb 21 - 7PM (Reply to #2)
Maya (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Not better

The N literature states clearly that he picks people that are beneath him to use as supply Let's frame this a different way, you were too good to be his damanged reflection so he chose to "trade down" to someone he could more easily control, or as previous comment says, have something they want. By definition the N must be the top dog and maintain control at all times. You didn't see it that way or call that a partnership in any way, so you got out. We really have to go completely NC (and even though I have many days NC, I admit I have still been checking sources etc. to keep very much on top of his actions- I know this is bad and doesn't really qualify me as NC but today I feel like I have to make a concerned effort to not check the Internet etc), NC is the only answer (all other answers are just excuses), so per one of the previous authors, GET REAL! I love it, NC and GET REAL are my new battle cries!!!