Highs and lows

Ive successfully had no contact with the N for 9 days. I shut down my email, changed my number and hes been blocked from my facebook. The last message he sent me, I never read and deleted. I hear through friends hes publicly professing his happiness and is getting rid of our home. I went to my PO box yesterday, which I avoided.and he mailed me my old toothbrush..he had already sent my belongings weeks ago? I assume just to send me some type of reminder.

Ive had some great days and some not so great. Can anyone relate? Some days its almost like I use my brain. I know this man came and went 5 times, proposed several times, bought a home for me twice, left me to date others again and again. WAs an immediate knight in shinging armor turned aggressive depressive..turned vanishing man. I see logicly how unhealthy that was..and how his banishment was punishment for me not doing ro saying as he wished. Then hed come back begging or crying or asking for me to just change something so he would stay.
He wanted me to marry quick, not work, not drive, drop out of my masters program and not go otu without him..because he feared "better" men were always looking at me and wanting me. I remember him constantly thinking the whole world wanted to ave sex with me. I remember him yelling at me that i didnt build him up as a man. I remember his crying and raging. And his callous discard to a "happier single life where he sluts around..days after begging me to elope.
Ok..logic..this man as something wrong with him that by his age is not going to change. He does not love me, he did not care for me..his act..was an act to improve his image. I am younger than he is, 13 years. I am attractive, intelligent, help others for a living and have a beautiful daughter. Instant family for this man whose been divorced 5 times. Instant image for this supposed christian. I was not much more than an image.

But some days.. I still miss him. I miss the feeling he gave me, Imiss his normal little quirks.. I miss seeing him in the morning. I miss all of those big grand plans ( which by the last time I was sort of imagining would not come to fruition), I miss the things hed tell me. I miss feeling that wanted. Though I know the love bombing was just that. Part of me is so sad that I gave this another chance..and hes painting some perfect image of a great christian guy online to lure in s afew more.

Sounds odd...but after mailing me all of my things..and the gifts he got my daughter...I thought I was done. But truth is, his little deranged mailing of my toothbrush made me feel strange. And now I find myself in some type of depression. I am finishing my masters and am out of class this week. Ive had more time to think.

I need some advice to help me refocus. :(