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Holiday Hoover Hard to Resist

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#1 Dec 22 - 5PM
It.Was.All.Abou...
It.Was.All.About.Her.'s picture

Holiday Hoover Hard to Resist

finally, the hoovering begins.

After seeing me with an attractive woman, she invited me to spend New Year's Eve with her. Ummmm, what?

I work with her, hence the minimal contact. I thanked her for the invitation and said "I don't think that would be a good idea for me." Non combative. Seemed to work. Of course it's just painful, because what I really want is who I thought she was. And she looks like the person I Fell in love with. But I know it's just an invitation to be abused. Nothing but sorrow. Sorrow heaped on sorrow.

Are you encountering the holiday hoover?

Dec 27 - 9PM
juliamarie
juliamarie's picture

Proud of you!

Good for you for recognizing this as a hoover...and not a very good one. Stay strong, my friend. You're doing great. She is missing out!
Dec 26 - 7PM
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

It never ceases to amaze me

It never ceases to amaze me that people like this think we're sitting around...balled up in a corner...waiting and ohhhh pining over them to come and pick us up off the floor...eye roll. lol GOOD FOR YOU FOR TURNING HER AWAY! It honestly makes me laugh that they think we have no life and are waiting for their next command. NC is the best thing that ever happened to me. Let your silence do your talking from here on out. Happy holidays...narc-ette free! ;)
Dec 26 - 7PM (Reply to #25)
It.Was.All.Abou...
It.Was.All.About.Her.'s picture

Funny thing is ..,

I have been nearly balled up. I hsve been crying and wanting... But why would i go back for more punishment? That's the arrogance. They think they're so spectacular that we'll come back for more abuse. Fuck no. I just saw her new gf on a dating site. Same one i 'm on. Same one the Narc's x is on (sven years, poor thing).
Dec 25 - 9AM
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Yes, I posted about it

Your response was excellent, very empowering statement to her. You want who you thought she was and this is key to recovery and remaining, NC. Once we realize that they are NOT who we thought they were, the healing can begin. Keep up the good work; you will get there. God bless and Merry Christmas, Goldie
Dec 26 - 7PM (Reply to #23)
It.Was.All.Abou...
It.Was.All.About.Her.'s picture

Thanks, Goldie

I appreciate the encouragement.
Dec 23 - 10PM
Melba
Melba's picture

you are so right

...it is an invitation to be abused yet again.... My exN has persisted since I broke it off with him. Relentless.. He's tried every tactic from lovey dovey, then accusations and blame(how could I do this to him), then saying his family member was rushed to ER, and last resort - telling me of several women that are asking him out, then he reverts back to "but I only want you". It has actually given me insight into how disturbed his mind really is and how on earth did I put up with that garbage. I know I probably shouldn't have read the texts, but in my case, it has actually given me insight into never wanting to get enmeshed in that mind control/abuse again. :)
Dec 24 - 7PM (Reply to #20)
whskywmn5
whskywmn5's picture

Mine does the same

For months he has tried every trick in the book, from trying to make me jealous....lol if they want him and his madness they can have him...to being sweet and loving....sending flowers...hurling accusations at me constantly.....then once again telling me how he loves me and we belong together....like I would forget all the vile and nasty stuff he said to me and about me...he tried the sucide tact..even when that didnt work he would act like nothing had even happen. Its a vicious cycle round and round...I for one am glad to be off of the merry-go-round.
Dec 25 - 8AM (Reply to #21)
It.Was.All.Abou...
It.Was.All.About.Her.'s picture

Vicious cycle

Amen. Mine doesn't really try very hard. She juat issues casual invitations. As if we were mever lovers. As if she didn't introduce me to my replacement who was young enough to be my daughter and expect me to compete for the love of the N. as if she didn't deceive me, betray me, and hurt me for sport. It's insulting. She makes it easy to ignore her. While i was sobbing, she was onto the next conquest. And the next. F-ck rhese people.
Dec 23 - 7AM
Used
Used's picture

it.Was.all.about.her

LOVED YOUR ANSWER...NOTHING NASTY, BUT TELLING IT WITH DIGNITY AND DECORUM....WELL DONE...OH AND WELL DONE FOR RUINING HER DAY....SO EASY TO DO, WHEN THEY PUT THEIR SELF OUT THERE AND GET NOTHING BACK.....JUST LOVE THEIR ARROGANCE!!!!
Dec 23 - 9AM (Reply to #18)
It.Was.All.Abou...
It.Was.All.About.Her.'s picture

Thanks

The encouragement is helpful. This is such a struggle. The arrogance is amazing. She expects me to be willing to ruin something good I have because she's so wonderful --after she was cruel to me. After she degraded me.
Dec 23 - 2AM
jackguy
jackguy's picture

Nicely done

You handled that well. Amazing how transparent they are...like automata. I know if my ex ever proposed a reunion it would be to complete a second, harsher d&d. Nicely avoided.
Dec 23 - 9AM (Reply to #16)
It.Was.All.Abou...
It.Was.All.About.Her.'s picture

I totally agree

She would reel me back in and then punish me . How absolutely weird to end up in such a sick battle (or I could end up there if I allowed it). All I did was love her. I was so decent and kind and rational. I really was.
Dec 23 - 1AM
uk lady
uk lady's picture

Just be extra viligant

Just be extra viligant because as we all know they never give up, especially if you are perceived as a challenge. Good job so far. You have handled it with great dignity and we all know that that isn't easy. Stay strong. Dee x
Dec 23 - 9AM (Reply to #14)
It.Was.All.Abou...
It.Was.All.About.Her.'s picture

Yeah

Funny you should say that. I showed a friend of mine my response and he said, "it's weird. It's almost like you're playing her game by being rational and trying to stay away from her.". But I'm not plying a game. Certainly part of my heart wants her to try even harder, but I get it. I understand the reality of his situation and she brought me so much misery and pain that I don't want to hear from her. All those months of wishing she'd come back. But, she never left. I did. She would have loved to have abused me more.
Dec 23 - 12AM
Sea
Sea's picture

I have read your posts and

I have read your posts and just want to say this. You have countered all her crazy doings in a calm, mature manner. You have been a dignified gentleman. She must be reeling inside but well she cant do anything about it. Great job! I am learning. The ex narc works in the same industry as me. I want to be as calm and dignified if i ever run into him.
Dec 23 - 9AM (Reply to #12)
It.Was.All.Abou...
It.Was.All.About.Her.'s picture

Thank you Sea

I appreciate your support. Dignity is absolutely what I'm hoping to project. From the first moment I realized what I was dealing with, I knew all I could o was mourne nd hen try to maintain my dignity. I'm a woman, by the way (not that it makes much difference, but just so you can picture the dynamic). I'd gladly be a dignified gentleman in this case. :) I'm also 16 years her senior, which helps. If I were her ge and this happened to me, I would have been rageful. I don't know what would have happened.
Dec 22 - 8PM
ruby01 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Now

The fangs will come out! Keep your eyes wide open, and your mouth shut!
Dec 22 - 6PM
A Narc Encounter
A Narc Encounter's picture

Holiday Hoover

Yes. I even e-mailed my Narc a GREAT letter a few weeks ago--I thought he would fall for, and knowing the holidays would be brutal on him also. I hurt him the MOMENT I saw he was a Narc and trying to hurt me just pre-Thanksgiving. But holidays give you so much time to think what went wrong-and I was direly trying to avoid this period alone. Thank God I found this support room. Yours is obviously envious and wants to make sure no one else can hurt you BUT her. Meaning, you will always be a possession in her mind, and jealous they can be. they say there is no closure, but you are actually getting some by having the power and control to say no at this juncture. She did not expect you to decline.
Dec 22 - 10PM (Reply to #9)
It.Was.All.Abou...
It.Was.All.About.Her.'s picture

Thanks

It's the only power I have. At least I know i 'm makng a choice. I wouldn' t choose this reality, but now that i see what i 'm dealing with, i choose not to be abused.
Dec 22 - 6PM
needing2know
needing2know's picture

Or if you agreed you would be

Or if you agreed you would be set up, you already know you would be dumped before you even went out! She wold think that you only have plans with her and all of a sudden I'm sure she would find a reason to cancel and leave you stranded! You should not have even answered her! Why even give her that much? NOT WORTH IT!
Dec 22 - 10PM (Reply to #7)
It.Was.All.Abou...
It.Was.All.About.Her.'s picture

I answered because

I work with her. It's that simple. And the more polite i am, the less supply she gets.
Dec 22 - 10PM (Reply to #6)
It.Was.All.Abou...
It.Was.All.About.Her.'s picture

I answered because

I work with her. It's that simple. And the more polite i am, the less supply she gets.
Dec 22 - 6PM (Reply to #2)
A Narc Encounter
A Narc Encounter's picture

I Agree with Needing2Know

She is just setting you up and if she found something "better" you would be toast. And potential she would stand yo up anyway just for the power that she could. Excellent that you held some dignity and told her "maybe not." You took power from her in doing so. If you keep rejecting her, she will probably make it a full time focus to get you back. But by then, do you really want that? No, you don't.
Dec 22 - 10PM (Reply to #3)
It.Was.All.Abou...
It.Was.All.About.Her.'s picture

No

I don't. It's just an invitation to be punished. You don't have to punish me twice.
Dec 26 - 7PM (Reply to #4)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

Out of curiousity...what do

Out of curiousity...what do you feel she's punishing you for? I know that narcs in general, punish. Mine would hoover...only to get me to take the bait...and then, bam. insult me. I never took the bait to go back with him, mind you. I just was hopeful at one point earlier in the summer, that we could somehow be friends. AS IF NARCS HAVE FRIENDS. HAHAHA! silly me. ;) but just curious as to your thoughts to punishment. and why she does this.
Dec 26 - 8PM (Reply to #5)
It.Was.All.Abou...
It.Was.All.About.Her.'s picture

What is she punishing me for?

Something someone else did to her. Probably her mother. Whoever made her feel powerless. Whoever didn't love her right.