Holidays/Special Occasions Ruined...

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#1 Feb 23 - 12AM
nycsurvivor
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Holidays/Special Occasions Ruined...

I think I know the answer to this, but it is not a coincidence that EVERY special event or holiday was ruined by my xN, right?

He would do this by making some comment to me that would anger me or would depress me or would have me on more pins and needles. Sometimes it was unspoken, and you could just feel how tense and unhappy he seemed which would, of course, have me on edge.

Is this because he was not the center of attention and/or could not stand to see me happy so he had to ruin it?

Or is it because they are fraught with social anxiety if it involved mingling with my friends/family?

This was intentional, right?

Feb 24 - 10AM
narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

my theory.......

firstly...i agree...it is totally intentional...done out of spite...they envy and despise other people's happiness..and seek to destroy it...and the holidays and other special occasions present wonderful opportunities for them to get their digs in....... imo...the way the behave on holidays and special occasions is some of the most damning evidence of their inhumanity.. the psychonarc ruined every holiday..birthday..etc always........he despised what he called'occasions of forced gaiety'..of course the only 'forced' gaiety was his own... i think that during the holidays is when the abundance joy, good cheer, charity and generosity of spirit of real human beings is inescapable... really begins to take a toll on them... really wears down their self delusions.....some reality of what they really are starts to seep through the cracks during the deluge of genuine happiness and charity and joy.... they cannot escape it....because it's everywhere...and they find themselves having to work overtime at appearing human.. i know that the psychonarc would become angry at holiday greetings from clients and business associates and neighbors....because he knew he was exepcted to reciprocate...or red flags would begin to wave in the breeze.... he felt threatened by the all that normalcy and tradition and outright happiness....and he had to destroy it for someone....misery loves company...he had to make someone miserable..... from 2003 on, he carefully planned 'vacations from sanity' as hervey cleckley called them...around the happy holidays....his own inhumanity was being stared down and challenged everywhere he turned....and he would pull a disappearing act and go lay drunk and high in dark motel room for a week or two...until all that good cheer subsided and he felt it was safe to come out..... just typiing this makes me hate his guts even more....... ugh......
Feb 27 - 10AM (Reply to #15)
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Holiday Implosion

My theory is . . . holidays are all about human intimacy. Reaffirmation of our closeness & a celebration of human intimacy. N's are completely incapable of genuine human intimacy. They know others are feeling "something" (warm, fuzzy, secure, happy) but the N is excluded, cannot conceive these feelings . . . does not know what exactly is occurring but only knows he's excluded. The N is consumed with "envy" because others have what he does not . . . happiness & good cheer. Therefore, the N casts the "evil eye" and maliciously destroys the good feelings of the other. Makes the other feel the internal horror, the emptiness, which the N feels all the time. Mine did this like clockwork as well. I already knew it was coming. Our first Christmas, N's friend wanted us to go to 4 o'clock service, dinner out, & then 11 o'clock service on Christmas eve . . . then go to her house on Christmas day. I said, I'll do 4 o'clock service, but I am not religious & do not want to do another service in the middle of the night. He says, if you don't go, we will divorce. So I went. On Christmas morning, he works in his home office, no exchange of gifts which I had brought for him. (I don't think he had anything for me.) He came down a few minutes before leaving to go to his friends. That was my non-Christmas. The first as a new bride in a new home. He didn't talk to me for five days of Christmas week. Only in front of his friends did he talk to me. My birthday was a few days before Christmas, he ruined that as well. Our second, & last Christmas, I was on to him. I wanted to have a jolly holiday. We invited his friends over from the previous year. But, they couldn't come. Then a week before Christmas, they changed plans & wanted to come. He says, well, I have to organize all my books. I said, OK. But where does that leave me on x-mas? So, I tell you what. You organize all your books. I shop & prepare everything. All you have to do is come sit odwn to dinner, if you want to eat, if not, just organize your books & I will have my Christmas. How's that for compromise & acommodating? I thought that was good. He has no obligations. He became ENRAGED! Actually physically violent against me for the first time in our relationship. In the aftermath of this rage, he suggested that he & I commit suicide together! Merry Christmas! My birthday I fixed that year as well, I had a huge party for women friends only & told him that he had no obligations to my birthday (as the year previously he stated that I was out of my mind if I thought that he was going to spend my birthday with me, he had better things to do at work & with shoveling snoww in New England & all (the sidewalk was shoveled, but he had to scrap every bit of snow off so that there was not a speck on the pavement). I left him five months later.
Feb 24 - 6PM (Reply to #14)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

they love opportunities for drama & destruction

My NarcMother had, I believe Histrionic PD as well as being a Narc. Every holiday the D.R.A.M.A. would descend. BIG TIME. It was exhausting and ruined everything. One Thanksgiving she started in on me at the dinner table. I was already living in NYC so I turned my plate upside down on the dinner table, got up and went to pack... she followed me - screaming all the way. I dragged my luggage down 3 blocks until I was out of the subdivision - my mother screaming at me from her car now... I called a car service to the airport - expensive - but worth it. I went NC with her for about 18 months after that. She got my Dad (the beaten down silent-partner) to call and yell at me but I simply told him I loved him but I was no longer going to put up with her. He wasn't around much then so he had no clue as to how badly her insanity escalated. One Xmas - I was 21 my sibling was 18 - NarcMom RAGED at us until we dragged a huge tree in and did her bidding. Finally my brother told her we were old enough and didn't need the tree or all the "stuff." She raged at him that I had put him up to saying that and that she was "GOING TO HAVE A NORMAN ROCKWELL CHRISTMAS, AS PLANNED!!" and then raged that - once again - I was a 'hateful child' and 'trying to kill' her. I rarely came home after all that. And I made sure I could control my comings and goings after that. My exNH's SociopathMother sandbagged us a couple times around the holidays. I stopped speaking to her and 2 of his siblings (her proxies) over 20 years ago. Enough was enough. ExNH still tries DICTATE the holidays - but even the children have started to tell him to 'put a sock in it.' LOL ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims
Feb 23 - 10AM
rache
rache's picture

My Ex N

would break up on holidays so he wouldn't have to buy presents! It happened like clock work.
Feb 23 - 6AM
Antonia
Antonia's picture

Not Sure

It was intentional (for my exN anyway). He ruined all the special days also, birthday's, mother's day, Christmas, anniversary's etc. It took me a good couple of years to figure out the pattern, he - like yours - would usually be withdrawn a couple days before which ever event, then either say something soo incrediblly insensitive or do something that it was impossible for me to ignore and I would comment. His own birthday - he would be so depressed he couldn't get out of bed that day until the evening. When I didn't ignore it and commented it was his excuse to either leave the house/not turn up to the event or it was that month's 'we need to break up' routine. Eventually when I finally did figure the pattern out and rather than let him ruin yet another event and diffused the brewing explosion in him for our last Christmas together (we were expecting my family and his at our home the next day to celebrate - I knew he was doing everything he could to be cause a fight so he had an excuse to ruin the day) we spoke about it and he said that he was aware he did this all the time, but couldn't control it and that he used to behave the exact same way with his ex-wife. Strange patterns they have. Yet I went thru so many miserable 'special' occasions when I was with him prior to figuring it out - and of course that was very near the end. I would be so sad when I should have been happy. All in the past thankfully. :)
Feb 23 - 12AM
Piscesdream
Piscesdream's picture

That's a good question. I

That's a good question. I never felt my narcissist was intentionally trying to ruin the holiday for me. I think he was just being himself and it got ruined. Lol! =)
Feb 23 - 1AM (Reply to #2)
alfrebob
alfrebob's picture

In the four years I was on

In the four years I was on and off with my ex, the offs were my birthday, valentines day or xmas. All ruined coz he would start some petty argument just before. Even on the day we got engaged, yes engaged!!!!!!! he attacked me and the police were called. Yet when I was 2 weeks off giving birth I met up with him against social services advise and he walked out of the restaurant and left me with no money to pay the bill.I was in tears and begged him to come back. The staff in the restaurant put their arms around me. The next day he text me to say 'It's my birthday today, I am going birthday shopping, are you coming?' I said No. He response was 'As usual you always have to continue an argument' Needless to say I went into early labour and I did not invite him. He has ruined all family and friend occassions. He needed to be the centre of attention or he destroyed the good time.
Feb 23 - 10AM (Reply to #10)
nycsurvivor
nycsurvivor's picture

Alfrebob

They certainly seem to put the blame on us when we can't get over something horrific they've said or done immediately. I've also gotten the "as usual you always have to continue an argument" as if there is something wrong with us that we can't let it drop. Can't believe he also started an argument the day you were engaged. What more joyous occasion is there to ruin? When I think to the number of occasions he's ruined, and then told me it was my fault, and I "caused him to act a particular way."
Feb 23 - 7AM (Reply to #3)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

intentional

it's ALWAYS intentional with a Narc. ALWAYS don't think for one SECOND it isn't ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims
Feb 23 - 10AM (Reply to #4)
nycsurvivor
nycsurvivor's picture

Intentional...

If everything they do is intentional when it's cruel, it's also intentional when it seems "kind"?
Feb 23 - 10AM (Reply to #5)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

nycsurvivor

I believe so, their kindnesses even comes with a price tag, and is part of the lure and manipulation. If they were always crappy, abusive, snide, rotten...especially in the beginning, how many of us would have had a second date? This premise has been proved to me personally over and over again with my ex. He was really nice and supportive while he was trying to win me back. On purpose? You bet!
Feb 27 - 10AM (Reply to #6)
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Price Tag

"their kindnesses even comes with a price tag," You betcha! And, consciously. I knew this with my N & often refused to accept anything from him so as not to be indebted. Then he would say, you are not able to accept gifts. You are depriving me of the pleasure of giving you a gift! And, if he ever gave me anything . . . it was held over my head for years. Remember the time I gave you x! Our first wedding anniversary, he says: "I didn't get you anything. I didn't think you'd want to celebrate." OK. About 6 months before our second anniversary, he starts frequently saying--Here I am already planning a beautiful present for our anniversary! Over & over this present which I have not received, but, for which I must already be grateful. Well, what did I get? Ladies, I am not kidding, a stone! Yes. A stone. A stone in a pavement in a park downtown which says something to the effect, "MY NAME, all my love." I forget exactly. He paid $500 for an engraved stone made out of composite which is already wearing away in the elements! Even when I left him he went on & on about how he proclaimed to the entire city his love for me! A stone? I could have had a piece of gold jewelry to wear for $500! I had to drag people to see the stone & they all admired the stone. I felt really dumb, why didn't I see the greatness of this gift? After I left him, my mother & my friends told me that they actually agreed it was a dumb thing but felt that they had to think that this was the cat's meow. EVERYBODY panders to these dudes!
Feb 27 - 10AM (Reply to #7)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

stone

Oh boy, what a waste of money. I'm thinking...wow, what I couldn't do with 500 bucks!! You know, they do this on purpose, they think of the most ridiculous 'gifts' to put us in a BIND. If we complain, we are ungrateful, unromantic, unappreciative. And you're right, they milk their gift-giving gestures, talking them up to death. The only Xmas my ex and I were together, we were opening presents in front of everyone. I knew what he got me because he didn't want to pick anything out by himself! He told me when I opened my gifts, he wanted me to ACT surprised. I was like, WTF?? Nobody cares that I know what they are. It was like he was DIRECTING A SCENE...lol! I can relate to what you're saying agnes about feeling totally STUPID because I don't like to be fake like that. But he would have huffed and puffed and totally ruined Xmas if I didn't go along...so I chose to go along to keep the peace, and had to act like getting a bottle of perfume was like winning the damn lottery! Well, at least you got some validation from your family in the end ~ with them agreeing, dumb gift!
Feb 27 - 11AM (Reply to #8)
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Gifts

"I knew what he got me because he didn't want to pick anything out by himself!" Mine did that too. He always wanted electronic toys. We went to Best Buy our first x-mas & I bought him what he wanted. He wanted to buy me a camera, but I refused because, he had ruined my birthday, & I wanted nothing from him. He was still not talking to me, but, for things he needed, like food, laundry, buying his gift. Our second Christmas, we also made the Best Buy excursion for his I-Phone which he wanted me to buy for him. He bought me a HP Notebook. When we got home, he told me that I should wrap it because he would feel bad if I didn't have anything to open because he knew I had other small items & stocking stuffers for him to open. I never bothered to wrap it. You see, he was just such a busy & important man, he did not have time for shopping. Once he bought me a ring in the Duty Free around Valentine's Day. I think that was right after our first anniversary & our first Christmas & my birthday when he didn't really do much for me. Our second Valentine's Day, I bought him a gift in early January, on sale. About 1 week before Valentine's Day, he rushes in: "Is this something else I am expected to get a gift for?" I said, "No. You are not expected to do anything." When I gave him the gift, he said, "YOU said we were not celebrating." I said, I had the gift already, I just said no obligations. Then he ran out to buy roses in the afternoon. It's all about appearances with these jerks. Just like with your family at Christmas, act all surprised. They bully one into submitting into their staging of the scene. If not, they are Mr. Hyde in private & that is so painful. But, in the end, there are no witnesses. We cover for them. Make them look good. In the end . . . the family & friends say . . . "Oh. And we thought you were so happy. You always looked so handsome & happy together." N's are said to be the worse gift givers because they lack empathy. They cannot put themselves in the shoes of another, so they have no idea what the other wants. But, when they give a bad gift, the other is disappointed. The N is not perfect. They cannot bear that. Always, always, always . . . it's all about him. Unceasingly. It boggles the mind!
Feb 28 - 8AM (Reply to #9)
itreallyisabouthim
itreallyisabouthim's picture

My last N wasn't too bad

My last N wasn't too bad about it, though he certainly couldn't do anything too generous like stay home Christmas morning instead of surfing. He also didn't buy the children gifts for under the tree, which I thought was odd. He left it to me even on the year I was very uncomfortable getting around prior to Christmas (as I gave birth near Christmas to our second child) - not even a mention of it. But my major somatic N (I am now realizing this) did do odd things. I remember once he made us VERY late for Thanksgiving at my parents. It felt so odd because there was no obvious reason for it. He just would not get ready to go. Another Thanksgiving, he called his mom beforehand and made a comment - oh this one was actually amusing - to his mom that made her so upset she wouldn't come, and therefore no other members of his 12 person family would come. I had TONS of food all ready to go, had even made the ethnic specialty of their family. No, holidays were not fun with him.