How do I Become Strong Enough with my Narcissist?

How do I Become Strong Enough with my Narcissist? Strong enough within me? Strong enough to stop going back

Frequently, I am asked this question by my clients.

I want to do the right thing. I know this is unhealthy.

Everyone's tells me I deserve better, that I am settling for less.

I'm at the point now where I deny all day long my true feeling for fear of what others will say.

What others will say here and what my family and friends will say.

I have been called nuts, crazy, and out of my mind for staying and going back.

Some have accused me of liking the abuse. Liking the chaos and drama.

Therapists have asked me repeatedly, what is the pay off for you?

You must be getting something out of this?

Why why why do you keep going back?

I want to cover my ears and scream..........

I don't know. Leave me alone.

I love him. I love him. I love him.

There you have it.

I said it.

I love him.

I want him to love me so badly, every part of my body is shaking and withering in pain.

I want him to treat me the way he does when it is good.

I want him back.

When he treats me badly I am so ashamed I cry and hide for days.

I lie to my friends and you.

I tell you what you want to hear so you will stop judging me.

Trust me, I don't need to hear it. I already beat myself up and judge myself harder than you could ever do.

I swear to you all that I hate him. That I wish he were dead. I call him the devil, satan, evil, vile hateful names.

Hoping hoping praying that hating him enough will make me stop. If I can hate him enough, maybe it will help me to become strong enough to stop.

To stop checking my phone for that text. Listening for that familiar ring tone. Anything.

Just some sort of sign that he still loves me. That I matter to him. That this was not all make believe.

How can someone love me so much and then nothing?

I just don't understand.

What did I do wrong?

How can I make this better?

How can I fix this?

Please please please.

I just need to hear his voice one more time. See his smile one more time. Feel his touch one more time.

I know he is bad. Sick. Crazy. Disordered.

I get it.

You just do not know how he makes me feel.

How good and how bad.

Alright. I admit it. I am hopelessly addicted to him and do not feel strong enough to stop. To leave.

When he doesn't text.

I turn into the stalker.

I search the Internet for tidbits of news.

I drive by where he lives. He works. His hangouts.

I call his friends. Show up where he might be.

I need to know what he is doing. What is going on. Why I am not hearing from him.

Goldie. I don't feel strong anymore. I used to be a strong woman. I do not feel that way anymore.

What is wrong with me?

What. Who have I become?

I need to get strong again.

I don't know what to do anymore.

Help me. Help me to stop thinking about him.

It is driving me crazy. The obsessive thinking. Last thing at night. First thing in the morning.

I keep thinking if I hate him enough. He will stop bothering me. Go away.

I will stop wanting him if only I can see how sick this is for me.

I am afraid to post sometimes.

Afraid of what you will all say.

What will you all think of me.

Does any of this sound like you?

Never be afraid to post.

This also sounds like me.

I too was you and you are me.

I get it.

The truth begins with you.

The truth sets us free.

What is your truth today?

Are you feeling like you are not strong enough?

Do you feel like you are waiting until you feel strong enough to put you first?

Rarely do we leave from a place of strength.

More often we leave from a place of defeat and this is ok.

The strength is rebuilt later.

After we get out in most cases.

I work with both.

Those out. Some still in. And many with one foot out and one foot in.

Waiting until you feel strong enough to leave generally does not happen with a Narcissistic, generally as long as you remain engaged, you continue to feel the toxic energy pull.

Sometimes a bottom, is simply to acknowledge you just cannot do this anymore. You no longer have the energy to continue and the rest follows.

The strength comes later, in the rebuilding, empowering recovery phase of healing.

Together and Healing,
Goldie

http://www.lisaescott.com/blog/goldie

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