How do I regain my dignity?

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#1 Oct 31 - 4AM
ifinallygotit
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How do I regain my dignity?

He had the last word after the hoover by going silent again this summer after he left this city.
I admit I had an emotional meltdown after my accident in July and left a message crying to him and he could hear how raw I still was - not fun for a Narc.

After I healed, I broke contact again and texted I missed him and lets just say hello.
He never called or texted again after I was in ER this summer.

By the way friends, I have not been to ER or a hospital in 30 years but have been there twice this year because I do a dangerous sport...I live alone so it was traumatic both times recovering and just bad luck to have it happen twice - I did the sport 10 years without even one bad accident and I am not someone who is used to being incapacitated.

Besides going NC, how to move on with head up when he abandoned me twice? I feel rejected all over again even though I have studied this stuff intensely, my feelings are still very hurt - very hurt.

Please take heed and do not break contact with these fellows unless you want a set back. No good can come from it, I promise you that you will not be the exception...I think I have finally learned a lesson that NOTHING is more important than our emotional health and stability. I am sane now but still quite sad.

Oct 31 - 10PM
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

these posts are beautiful

thank you for uplifting me - it helps me feel less ashamed that I reached out to him this summer after the visit - yes, its normal after 10-12 years to care. But not normal if you keep putting your neck on the chopping block....for a Narc Thank you for letting me look at this from a different perspective. One year ago I was frantic at this time because he had just moved and gone silent but we had not "broken up" yet and I did not know what was going on at all. I have made a ton of progress since then -except never getting angry and never really standing up for myself - by the time I get there we will probably be strangers... I confess he just posted a pic of his dog I love as his FB pic (we are not FB friends) - this just made me cry - the pic is in his house right where we hung out for plus 10 years - he ditched the house, the dog and me (dog lives with a relative now) a year ago and visited in June. he saw the dog once and me once... I need to let go big time....life is good and passing me by
Oct 31 - 7AM
Winter
Winter's picture

Dear IFGI

Why do we establish such a strong link beetwen being rejected and the loss of dignity? Why loving someone who does not love us back and showing it to him is a loss of dignity? I mean, I know what you mean and I understand you. But that is what I always doing myself. I try to challenge my false beliefs. And I this is one of them. Ok, let's look at it from outside: a woman loves a man who is not very carring and loving towards her. (I read your story, he never was mean to you nor overtly abusif, right?) The woman is deeply in love with him. After they broke up, she suffers and miss him. And she let him know about it. She wrote him just twice: first time to ask for an emotionnal support because she is sick and second time to let him know she misses him. And this is basically it. Where is the loss of dignity? If you were stalking him and writing him every day, begging him to take you back, then yes, it would be a different story... Being emotionally atached to someone is not a weakness. For me there is not lost dignity here at all. Rejection, lack of love, loss of dream sucks. This is real. And this is what you need to get over. And you will. But please, honey, do not add to this something which is even not true. Love Winter
Oct 31 - 9PM (Reply to #8)
ally2375
ally2375's picture

What a beautiful reminder

These people twist our love and kindness into something ugly. They use our love for them to manipulate us and to hurt us. That is the disorder. A world without empathy looks a lot different from the world in which we live. It is natural to love and want to be loved in return. Rejection hurts, but there's nothing undignified about having loved someone with an open heart. Nothing at all.
Oct 31 - 9PM (Reply to #9)
wannaletgo22
wannaletgo22's picture

Wow...so true.

Wow...so true.
Oct 31 - 8PM (Reply to #7)
Journey
Journey's picture

Good point Winter, just

Good point Winter, just because the narc can't form an emotional attachment and then accuses those who do of having no dignity (which is how my ex was), that does not mean there is anything undignified with forming an emotional attachment. There is also nothing undignified about feeling sad. It is a normal reaction to loss. As Kahlil Gibran says in his book "The Prophet" about Joy and Sorrow: "Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears. And how else can it be? The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain". Something a NARC will never know, nor fully understand.

Journey on...

Oct 31 - 9AM (Reply to #6)
indenial
indenial's picture

youre spot on winter

I hadn't viewed things from this perspective. Where is the loss of dignity in honestly loving someone and reaching out to them with compassion and expecting some compassion in return ? They scew our perceptions to a point where we become almost as twisted as them to try and survive ! You ladies and gentlemen here never cease to amaze me with your kind and compassionate wisdom. Thankyou :)
Oct 31 - 5AM
indenial
indenial's picture

im so sorry

You've had such a hard time and being physically incapacitated as well must have made it so much harder. I totally agree with you there is nothing as important as out emotional health and stability and no one who is involved with a pd will ever have any emotional health or stability. That's for sure. Unless thay too have absolutely no emotions. Its a possibility I suppose. Its one of the worst things when we break nc and they meet us with silence. Nothing at all. They know this so that's why they do it. It took me a while to figure this out with my ex n but when I did I stopped wanting to break nc ever for fear of that silence and the utter devastation it caused me. Its never too late to get back your dignity. I have been lucky this time in that he discarded me and I had already made up my mind that it was coming and that this time would be the last time so I ignored him and I had the opportunity to reject him again when he hoovered a week later. Trust me one day last week I came very close to breaking nc but I didn't and the relief I feel from that is enormous. It would have broken me I know that. Anyway yes you broke nc and he ignored it well maybe he will try and contact you maybe he won't but the most important thing you can do for YOU now I'd not break nc again. Do not reach out to him again because he's shown you what he will do. Post here pm one of us anything other than contact him. Your dignity is not lost and as you say you are sane. A little sad but we all are for a time. I don't know your story but I know we are pretty much all telling the same story to varying degrees and I don't know your locational proximity to him cos this makes a difference to whetehr you have to see him etc. The advice that I am giving to myself and that I would give to you is this - No matter how you feel inside make yourself do things everyday. Carry on with all your old activities fill your life with new activities and put a smile on your face and surround yourself with people who are real and not fake like the narc. NEVER let him know that you miss himm or are sad or angry or anything at all. Act completely indifferently towards him if you have to see him or if he contacts you. Beat him at his own game because that's what they do. Act like you were nothing and insignificant and want you and the rest of the world to think their life is so great and they are so happy. Well we know different. They are never happy and nor are their supply for long. Act indifferent until you feel it. That's how I intend to keep my dignity. He won't get an ounce of supply from me ever again if he can discard me so easily then straight back at him. I'm discarding him in the same way too. He will never get a reaction out of me again and I have no interest in him or his life or even any questions about his life with me. I'm not feeling it 100 % and maybe I won't for a long time but this is what I'm practising because that narc is never taking my dignity away from me again ! You can do it. Forget that he ignored you or discarded you and understand that now you are ignoring and discarding him. I hope you are making a speedy recovery xx
Oct 31 - 9AM (Reply to #2)
newbegginings
newbegginings's picture

Beautifully said...

Beautifully said!! Perfect in fact, they must never know how we r feeling inside. It will take me forever, but I can't show him how broken he has left me. I can't wait to have my inside match my outside. Thanks.. TT
Oct 31 - 9AM (Reply to #3)
Freedom101
Freedom101's picture

winter

I agree with Winter. I felt the same when this all first started. I was embarrassed that I was so cut up about this and he was handling it so well. I felt like a loser, crazy freak person. The fact is though, I was the normal one. It's perfectly ok to be cut up over a relationship when you think you're in love, have a future together, hopes and dreams etc. That's a normal reaction. Just walking away and not thinking twice would make us psychos. Now, looking back, I don't care if he thought I was weak or cut up. I was a lot and I hope he knows how much he hurt me because he did. He hurt me so much that I'll never have anything to do with him again..finally. That is my dignity. With every day that goes by with me not contacting him I am showing myself I have dignity and love for myself and have put him where he belongs in my life..out of my life. What he thinks of me is no longer of any consequence to me. I've far enough out of it now that all my decisions are based on what I think, what I want and how I feel. When you reach that point, you won't be questioning about the loss of your dignity in regards to him and whether he does or doesn't know it. You won't care either way.
Oct 31 - 7PM (Reply to #4)
empath
empath's picture

validation and the inner critic

I learned to stop allowing other people to define me. So when I feel that inner critic I just acknowledge it wonder where that opinion comes from and then accept whatvre insight that gives me, even if it is unpleasant. The only thing that makes the process bearable for me, is that it is private and the N has no access to my thoughts or feelings anymore, because I am NC. So, when the ghost of the N comes up and I feel criticized, it is easy for me to look back and think well of course he would think such a thing about me, because Ns rewrite their history and villianize even those who loved them most. Or, well of course I would be vulnerable to feeling that way...because my parents were neglectful and emotionally unavailable too. That is the process I use to deal with the "dignity"' issue...no one can give or take your dignity, it comes from within. You should work from the presumption that you are utterly dignified, and then compassionately and privately acknowledge anything that causes you to feel less than that way. Ultimately, you may find it has nothing to do with the N. The beauty of this is that you realize you are the protector of yourself, and you can control what you allow to affect your self esteem, your thoughts, your emotions. If something does not feel loving, supportive and in alignment with your values...it should not be allowed to grow roots in your thoughts....shine a light on it, and don't run from it...and most of all don't judge yourself for what you find. This is how we heal. :-)