How do I wrap my mind around NC IS FOREVER?

I know what you mean. Mine has been trying to reach me for a few days now,and ive been ignoring his calls. But its getting harder with each call. I can only handle the NC "just for today", or a few weeks at a time cause if i was to say a permanent goodbye, i'de feel like i was drowning. Im afraid of too much grief,and feeling lost. Its crazy and disturbing to me,because when im with him i feel resentful and get nothing i want or need from him. But still,what is it about saying goodbye?

I have done this dance with him for 8 years. I have had several periods of NC, all iniatated by me...once- 9 months, once 15 months! and every time- I grieve like I am right now. There was something different in our last reconnection ( from this February to May). First- I lost a dearly beloved in March ( too hard to talk about right now) and my N. was here to support me...well kinda...he did some very nice things and some very cold/insensitive things around this death. but because of my huge loss- I feel that my connection to my N. became more intense and I allowed my innocence to become hopeful again...It is startling for me now to look at how I opened again...I actually believed things might be different..when there was NO EVIDENCE that he had done any inner soul searching...He just said a few introspective things that sounded different but his behavior was NOT DIFFERENT. the seduction was stronger. the " I love you" words spoken again... and I caved....and fell..fell into the madness. and here I sit- going on 9 weeks NC. I have known about this disorder for about 2 years. I am not a beginner. what surprises me though is that the innocence and hopefulness of my heart sprung forth again EVEN AFTER the past 8 years of off and on seduction and manipulation. I am a self aware woman, how could I succumb again? I am grieving the death of a DREAM. and this dream must die fully and completely so that I can be resurrected again to me my BEST SELF. Blessings and Love brave women!

NC is very hard to do (particularly at first). It is also very freeing and opens the path to healing and recovery. Xnh was very intertwined in my life as well. I was with him for 16 years and married to him for 8 years. I'm almost 15 months out from xnh's D&d now, and I still occasionally have people try to "update" me about xnh and his hideous P daughter (like I'm actually interested - not). I live in a very small town, and xnh lived here as well until 5 months ago. It sometimes seems like EVERYONE knows xnh. Barf. We still work at the same company. For many months after the D&D, he was located in the office right next door to mine (we had a common wall between us). If he so much as farted, I heard it. It was torture for me to have him that close daily (and the narc-hole used this knowledge to his full advantage to keep me stirred up as much as possible along the way). Three harassment complaints later, and my management FINALLY moved me to another floor at work and forbid xnh to come near my work area. NC with xnh (particularly at work and with a few mutual friends as well) was a real battle for quite some time. fearofuncertainty is absolutely correct with "for me NC is a mind thing, requires stong determination and discipline; but above all, it is the most EFFECTIVE way to detox and regain sanity and self esteem..." NC is about US and OUR recovery. It is impossible to truly recover while having contact with the narc. We want NC and peace in our lives. They want to be in control, cause chaos, and to ruin the peace we get from NC. To the narc, it's all HIM. He could care less what happens to US as long as HE get his supply. Bakingfotherapy is also correct that it does get easier. She is right with: "Sometimes fate surprises you. I am NC going on 4 months and only 1 sighting! (He lives very close to me and goes to alot of the same places.)" After I finally got my office moved at work, and went NC with one particular mutual friend, I have seen xnh from a "distance" twice in the past 4 months. I have not spoken to xnh in about a year. One time I saw him in a mandatory division meeting on the opposite side of the room, and one time I saw him loitering in the lobby at work at the exact time I would have been going home. I'm sure he was waiting for me so that he could try to "talk". I went back into my "safe" work area, and reported him to management. I haven't seen it happen since. So even though we are in close proximity, it is entirely possible to maintain NC, and fate has surprised me. The devil doesn't rear his ugly head in my world nearly as often as I would have expected. :) Hang in there. Maintain your NC, and stay away from the narc in every way you possibly can. It's hard, but it does get easier and your recovery is SO worth the effort. Huge hugs!