How do you regain your power after you broke NC and were ignored?

24 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 May 13 - 11AM
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

How do you regain your power after you broke NC and were ignored?

Any suggestions for how to regain dignity after being rejected when you foolishly reached out to your EX N again? I called mine on the way to ER two weeks ago when I had a bad injury. He did not respond so I guess he does not care if I am dead or alive...
This reminds me of when I broke up with him the summer of 2004 and actually left him a message "You do not care if I am dead or alive". I dated others and was doing ok back then until my crazy neighbor started stalking me, and I went back to EX N for protection and comfort. I see my pattern, I lose my resolve in crisis and call him when I am scared...
How do you regain forward motion when someone is this cold? I honestly thought he still cared for me but just moved on to a new life. he does not care about me at all.
Do we truly not exist in their minds after 10 or 11 years of them making love to us?? Or is it the control thing - not wanting someone asking anything of them? Mine hated to be asked anything - he had a pathological reaction to being questioned about simple things or asked for simple favors.
They are freaks! Do not contact them! I set myself way back getting rejected while in terrible physical pain..By the way, I am healing very well after 2 weeks and may be ok after a month or so...But I left him feeling I still need him, like he has the upper hand. How do I reverse this, for me to not feel powerless...

May 15 - 1PM
dudette
dudette's picture

There is a post

on another board that says that women will break NC on average 7 times before they get the importance of it, but that is very up to invididuals to do it at their own pace.... Eventually you will let this go IFGI - I realize how tough this must be...but it is probably a good thing that he is not responding, try and use the space to heal... Good luck to you x
May 14 - 12PM
sunny 523
sunny 523's picture

I just broke my 8 week NC and

I just broke my 8 week NC and I am regretting it so much. Now, I am going to have to reset my NC clock. I am not as worried about what he thinks as I am about what I think! I am so disappointed in myself. Mer
May 14 - 12PM (Reply to #21)
Used
Used's picture

mer569

please dont be disappointed in your self, say to your self, ok i got in touch with him and this is how shitty i feel about it, you would feel worse that this if you went back. you dont even have to reset the clock, you do what ever makes you feel better , he didnt answer you didnt talk to him, that is nc so just carry on regaurdlessxx
May 15 - 1PM (Reply to #22)
sunny 523
sunny 523's picture

Thanks, used.... I appreciate

Thanks, used.... I appreciate it. I am doing a little better today. I now realize how little I mean to him. XOXO Mer
May 14 - 12PM (Reply to #17)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Mer...

You know, I remember early on, hearing how when we break NC we end up right back at ZERO. I disagree...I think it sets us back some, but what we learned and experienced along the way was not in vain. You fell off the wagon, get back on and that's it, never mind the extra beating. Resetting the NC clock...nah, get back on. When we fall off a bike, we don't have to start from the beginning and learn to ride again...hopefully as long as the bike is pretty much intact we get back on. Hugs!
May 15 - 2PM (Reply to #19)
Steph
Steph's picture

I remeber hearing that too,

I remeber hearing that too, that you start over at zero and like you, I disagree. When I broke NC, it set me back for a few days.....but I was no where near the wreck I was when it all started. Mer and IFGI.....you regain your dignity by trying again. There is nothing more you can do. It happened. It's done. Back to NC. One of these times it'll stick! xoxo
May 15 - 2PM (Reply to #20)
ally2375
ally2375's picture

Mer

I totally agree with Michele and SS. I don't think breaking NC sets you all the way back to zero. It may be a temporary set-back, but it's not a total undoing of everything you've done so far. Maybe there was a reason you did it? Maybe you learned something you needed to know. Now, try to forgive yourself. What's done is done, but tomorrow is a new day. :)
May 15 - 1PM (Reply to #18)
sunny 523
sunny 523's picture

Michele.. Thank you for that.

Michele.. Thank you for that. I am trying not to beat myself up anymore over him. At least I tried to make peace. He knows he is in the wrong. He will have to live with himself. XOXO :) Mer
May 13 - 6PM
deecbee
deecbee's picture

You don't exist to him right

You don't exist to him right now, no. He's singularly focused on something else right now, and that's not you. When he is deprived of all other sources of supply, he'll probably try to hoover. They all do. I know it's not supposed to be about gaining the "power" back, power comes from within, blah blah blah but if I were to HONESTLY answer your question- whenever I would be the one left hanging with no response from him, and feeling dejected and ignored, I'd come up with a remark that I KNOW would elicit a response out of him, and send him a text or an email. He'd respond, and from there I would ignore him right back (which would drive him crazy). I'm not suggesting you do this- it never solved anything long term, but it did help me get over that lagging feeling of being brushed off, and left me feeling empowered enough to forget about it and move on (for the time being.)
May 13 - 7PM (Reply to #15)
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

thanks deecbee

He is way emotionally tougher and more shut down than most and may not reply to anything - the only time he started texting in Dec was when I said I had accepted lifes's changes (us being apart) and again when I was stranded from flying by a snow storm. He was comfortable talking about the weather and nothing more... Life and death matters he does not respond to... He is in another city where he is a major deal - returning hometown hero - everyone kisses his butt, men, fans and lots of women...no chance of running out of supply. He would have to care about me as a fellow human he shared 10 years of intimacy with to contact me. I think he may be the exception to never hoover because he is also deeply ashamed of his behavior (we spoke in March and he sounded devastated - worse than me) in addition to being busy with new supply...complicated crazy guy who drove me crazy... I thin he more focused on getting famous again than another women...but I have misread him many times and I know none of this matters - just my mental health matters now.. I just had two down days in a row..I am recovering from the accident but not enough to really go enjoy myself yet - I should be thankful I am walking! It was serious!
May 13 - 4PM
Alibi_10
Alibi_10's picture

Regaining power

Firstly, I am pleased that you are physically on the mend and that the outlook for your recovery is positive. I fell off the NC wagon several times, too and agree that it throws you into a horrible dark pit when you get no response - it is quite humiliating, especially if you have left things on a casual 'catch up some time basis'. I have posted before on the phone as an instrument of torture, and I sometimes wonder if they make a conscious decision to ignore calls just because they have not initiated them, and that puts THEM in a position of powerlessness. I don't think there is an way to regain power as such, because this prolongs the combative aspect of the relationship. Choose instead to get off the merry-go-round and to heal from your injury. I know that this is easier said than done (believe me, I was a repeat offender for sending spurious texts with exactly the results you described) - but you have lots of support on here, and you deserve to be treated better, you know you do. Hugs
May 13 - 3PM
findingmeagain
findingmeagain's picture

I would look at it as he

I would look at it as he doesn't want me and to keep moving on. why waste time on someone you know is bad and acting all his damn life. his whole life is just one big performance. let me put it to you this way if you go to a restuarant and they bring you an order the plate is dirty, the food has been bitten off, and its not appealling in the least would you still eat and pay for this meal? same with a dress you go pick up a dress while shopping its got rips, holes, it reeks of stank are you still going to buy this dress and just think I can just patch it up and wash it? I know I wouldn't same with relationships its got rips , holes, and its stank so why try to wash it or fix it ...
May 13 - 2PM
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

ifinallygotit

I think all these posts are great , but TRN really hit it on the head i think, you need to stop defining yourself and your worth through his eyes", that is so true and so damaging to do that, that is exactly how it was for me for so long, close to 2 years away from him. Everytime something happen to me good or bad, I was on the phone to him, he was my life raft, He was a HUGE part of my life and I still feel very lonely ,like yourself, no family near me or friends for that matter as I moved to another state so talk about lonely.When he left, we too were on fine terms to the extent he left a crap load of his stuff at my place and never picked it up, too scared to leave me his new number so i could call him to get it, afraid of my STALKING him, in his dreams i guess.Like Nija girl said you have to exercise, which I do already, and you can gently when you are more healed from your injury, and that helps, but in some fashion set goals for yourself and that I am bad at doing. The VOID remains until you find things to fill THAT hole, i still have not totally yet and I was with him for 15 years. You tell me what human being discards another person without a formal ending at the very least, a coward and a weakling and that is what these inhumans are!!!!!
May 13 - 1PM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

ifinallygotit

I am of the opinion that since they can't attach and are so self centered, it is us who beat ourselves up when we fall of the wagon - either way, they're too busy worshipping their toe jam and all it's wonders to even notice. So in terms of getting power back, we need to remind ourselves we have the power in the FIRST place - that is the key thing we FORGET. They don't have the power, we do. We have the power because we don't exist in their minds once they've discarded us. I wrote a blog about "Anger" recently and in it I talked some about how essentially WE MADE THEM who they are - just as anyone they're with will mold them into what they are - they are empty otherwise. They also have been known to have a penchant for short term memory so even on the off chance that call gave him a jolt - it was a very short high for him, and he's more than likely busy worshipping himself through others. When we re-direct our thoughts and put it back on ourselves, that gives us power. I understand this injury is not "fun" and it feels like you're trapped, but there are still ways to work around it. I firmly believe that although very hard and emotionally draining we have to fight some to keep ourselves in check and try to find things to keep us occupied, find ways to comfort ourselves, and ways to stay connected to others that are a positive source of energy for us and the other ingredient is giving this whole thing some time. Hope this helps some. Feel better soon. Hugs!
May 13 - 1PM (Reply to #10)
ally2375
ally2375's picture

Toe jam

Worshipping their toe jam! That's perfect! (and probably true) :)
May 13 - 1PM
Caligirl
Caligirl's picture

He doesn't have the upper hand

As a dear friend said to me, "He is not worth your time...cut all ties...never look back...you deserve better." He is a jerk. You are a wonderful person. He didn't win. He lost you! My dear friend who said this to me is my ex-fiance. Though we are no longer together, he says we'll always be friends. When I was going through all the turmoil with my exN, he was there on the phone. Any normal person, friend or ex would at least call. I know it feels like he has the upperhand, but he doesn't. You have a chance at a full and happy life. He will never be happy! (he has no compassion and cannot love). Keep getting well. Hugs!
May 13 - 1PM
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

thanks guys

Your comments do help me feel less "left". Me and ex N parted on great terms with no plans to break up - that is why it is so freaky - we were not having any problems before he left and he gave me huge kisses goodbye when we last saw each other. We were never getting along better. I was very happy actually and thought, wow, he has finally stopped fighting love and is just enjoying it. Now I think he knew he was leaving and just enjoyed the last of me. Within 7 weeks I became the enemy for no reason (well new supply....and I guess he did not want me to come visit and wreck his new game). I am going to read these comments again. My brother-in-law is now dying and it is also weird to not have EX N to tell...My whole life has changed so dramatically - very alone... I am strong though and I know I will get through this - I think I was so in love it is taking me longer than others to get over CD...but getting there... I am starting to flash on how mean he was to me - not just the quiet grin...
May 13 - 6PM (Reply to #7)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

In addition

Sorry to hear about your Brother in law...
May 13 - 12PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

They are nuts, they feel for

They are nuts, they feel for no one, not even themselves! I think he will contact you! It's s game! If he doesn't well... Then good. You should never expect much from these freaks! They cause pain, their mission is to take u down and make you feel like they do! Except the can't because we won't let you go down that road ! For you this should validate what he his! Hunter
May 13 - 12PM
Disillusionedx2
Disillusionedx2's picture

I don't know the best way but...

HE DOES NOT HAVE THE UPPER HAND, what you did is what any, NON N, loving, caring individual would do, BUT, that's not what N is, he is DISORDERED, he does not care nor feel for you, he has no empathy because he CAN'T, he doesn't feel as though he has the upper hand over you, he is merely continuing to abuse you, that's what they do, that's all they know how to do, so please, do not go on believing this is a one up situation, it is not! It's a loving, caring, morally responsible individual, involved with a disordered individual who thrive on all sorts of abusive tactics to keep you on the hook, he's not human, he's an empty shell. How are you going to carry on? Without him, educate yourself, be kind to yourself, you now know who/what he is so you can act accordingly, he will return, when he does, ignore him, forge ahead to a new beginning, best wishes!

stay~strong

May 13 - 12PM
Used
Used's picture

ifinallygot it

you have to go nc and stick to it to get your power back, he will always let you down, funny enough this used to happen to me ,when something went wrong i used to want to get in touch, then i thought about it for a few minutes then thought he has never been there for me why would he be there now, and the moment passed,and i would be so glad i hadnt afterwards i knew i would have felt worse, waiting for his non reply. i called it my knee jerk reaction and it was.
May 13 - 12PM
TNR1
TNR1's picture

You stop defining your power or worth on him....

You are a wonderful, caring person who was duped into thinking you had found a prince when what you actually ended up with was an adult with a personality disorder. Let him ignore you...let him think he has the upper hand. You are so much more worthy than to put up with his games. HUGS.
May 13 - 7PM (Reply to #2)
beamoflight
beamoflight's picture

Hi

All I can say is that you are not alone in what you're feeling. I feel the same. ((HUGS))