How he got you to fall in love

17 posts / 0 new

#1 Jul 8 - 3AM

Scoop

How he got you to fall in love

Once we realise that the narc actually manipulated us to fall in love and what happened to us was not the stuff that fairy tales are made from we can begin to make really good progress in our healing .
There is nothing romantic in mind control and it isnt mystical , its a fairly crude and basic form of brainwashing .
Thats not to say what we felt wasnt love , it was , it was ours and we own it and that is what makes us beautiful amazing people as we have the ability to feel deep feelings that the narc can not even dream of , all the narc can do is use two bit con art to get his pathetic needs met .
The biggest clue you where dealing with a narc is the way they can instantly devaule you . They can be professing love for you and making plans one day and by the next they dont want to see you again . It is this one thing that singles out the narc from normal man . When this happens if we dont know we are dealing with a narc we can turn our selves inside out trying to find the answer of what we did wrong but the sicken truth is we didnt do anything wrong the love professed by our narc was never felt by him... This concept can take many months to sink in and it is so painful to grasp that in some ways it is easyer for our minds to keep blaming ourselves . I think we come to that understanding when we are ready too and it can be seriously helped along by reading about the subject over and over again ... you may even find you become an expert in the subject before you realy grasp the fact that they never loved us but it WILL click into place in time ..
I know i bang on about "love bombing" a lot but i realy think if it wasnt for initial honeymoon period of the relationship we wouldnt be here right now ... how dose someone who can not love convince us that they are head over heals crazy for us ? love bombing !.. http://undermuchgrace.blogspot.com/2008/05/beware-love-bomb.html

Big love Scoop xx

#2 Jul 8 - 9PM

ifinallygotit

good one scoop!

Your posts are always so right on. My ex N just did a drive through love bomb after being away 11 months and not communicating with me in any form for 5 and half months. (12 year friendship, 10 as lovers and 8 as exclusive relationship) I am doing pretty well even though he only texted twice after leaving and has made no attempt to make plans to bring us back together this summer like we discussed in the "drive thru" when he kissed me for 6 hours and acted madly in love. I did so much reading here all winter that I am not surprised by his behavior - out of sight out of mind now that he is back there. though I feel a bit dumb for acting like his love was real in the dramatic get together, he could never completely devastate me again like the mess I was last winter when he first abandoned me and I did know he was an N. Now it all seems predictable. I do still love mine but expectations are rock bottom. he is content with his superficial bar ladies for company there and I am strangely not jealous becuse I know it is fake. the only thing that hurts is thinking about him having sex with others because we had a very close, affectionate and i thought meaningful (not tot him!) intimate relationship. Now that I know the truth, it is my fault if I got bombed again..

#3 Jul 8 - 8AM

dazed

Scoop, your post and the link

Scoop, your post and the link on love bombing hit on the very things that happened to me with my N. After knowing my N platonically for 18 months we got together and I was love bombed immediately. It was overwhelming and I am sure my N had studied me and knew I had no affection within my marriage. The N was everything I had wanted. And that got me hooked. This part from the link is so accurate for me: Dr. Harley notes that extra-marital affairs ensue through the neglect of needs inside of a marriage so that when the straying partner finds an opportunity to meet those needs outside of marriage, the illusion created becomes nearly irresistible. Free from the responsibilities of daily living and serious relationship, the marital affair appears to be a subjective “dream come true.” The “honeymoon phase” of such relationships promotes a type of emotional high that interferes with rational thinking while the love bombing continues. Unbelievable.

#4 Jul 8 - 7AM

IncognitoBurrito

The truth really hurts.

I feel completely destroyed, absolutely devastated. In the span of a week, N went from "You'd love it here!" to "It has to be goodbye." My head is spinning. It was little more than contrived dramatics, and it sloshed me around again. I feel sea sick, heartbroken. Like I've just been put out with the rubbish.

#5 Jul 8 - 7AM

bakingfortherapy

How...

Scoop, First of all I would like to thank you so much for your blogs. They are always informative and insightful. After being in an amazing relationship with my" soul mate" for 8 1/2 years---we were inseparable and finished each others' sentences--he cheated on me, found OW and then proceeded to put me through the "love me/love me not" "Ill fix it, my heart is with you" hell for the last 3!! I feel like I am almost past it but even STILL ruminate over why and how this man could do this to me!!!??? "They can be professing love one day and next day dont want to see you again" This rings so true with me. He loved me one day, wanted me back, told me he "finally figured out where he belonged" and then would be over her house that very night! I think he really believed his lies when he said them, in the moment itself but the instant gratification and absolutely no remorse or guilt took over. Oh, and he pulled this stunt on me a hundred times just with variation. And of course I blamed myself. I "wasnt there for him, I dont adore him enough, every time I turn around she keeps doing great things for me and you, well weve been together so long" I believed his garbage, denail probably , becasue I couldnt believe this person could treat another person they claimed to love this way! Now I have learned they dont feel, think or care the same way we do. As I said I am hopefully moving forward and getting past this hell but your words do help to remind me what I was dealing with! Thank you so much. ;)

#6 Jul 8 - 6AM

StudentOfLife

I am really so glad you

I am really so glad you posted this. Exactly what I have been dealing with right now, coming to grips with "what really just happened?" The final devalue & discard happened almost three weeks ago. After a two year relationship and having just poured my heart in an email out about where I have been "at" in our relationship the past few months and why, and how i feel about it... after five days of silent treatment then my email to him, I get an 8-sentence email discarding me -- THIS IS AFTER A 2 1/2 YEAR relationship. 2 1/2 years!!! Was only worth an 8-sentence and very cold email to me. I shouldn't be surprised. But it is a tremendous slap in the face. I've pretty much memorized the last few sentences: "I am sorry it has to come to this. I hope the counseling helps you. I would more than welcome a friendship with you. Love always " Wha ---??? This after a two and a half year intimate relationship?!?! First, if he loved me the way he said or with any depth of feeling, how could he break up with me THIS WAY?? Secondly, the same thing -- if he ever felt remotely what I had felt for him, how could he think that after sharing so much over the past couple years, i sould flip a light switch, change gears and be simply re-cast as "Friend" in his life? (he always used that term so losely.) This really hurts! Thanks again for the post Scoop, i will be reading the link about love bombing a bit later today when i catch up here at work.

#7 Jul 8 - 9AM (Reply to #9)

Smitten Kitten (not verified)

Mine too

"First, if he loved me the way he said or with any depth of feeling, how could he break up with me THIS WAY?? Secondly, the same thing -- if he ever felt remotely what I had felt for him, how could he think that after sharing so much over the past couple years, i sould flip a light switch, change gears and be simply re-cast as "Friend" in his life? (he always used that term so losely.)" It was this way with mine as well. In a post break up conversation, he callously went on and on about new OW as if I were now his buddy, knowing full well how I felt about him. He wanted to be just friends now and actually expected me to be supportive and happy for him! Uneffingbelievable!

#8 Jul 8 - 4PM (Reply to #12)

StudentOfLife

It helps to know other people

It helps to know other people have experienced this and we can support each other --- yet it really stinks at the same time that these so-called "people" are walking around out there preying on unsuspecting, good hearted people though! And now we're left here wounded, cleaning up the aftermath.... hoping and striving to heal. Where is the justice? Because of the way he broke up, in a one-sided 8-sentence email, i never got to say my piece. I wrote down this letter explaining my feelings and why i cannot be "friends", etc. The letter became a therapeutic sort of tool for me as the words flowed onto the paper. It really helped me get things out. The thing is... I am now going back and forth with myself... should i send it to him so i can speak up for myself a bit and put some clarity/boundaries around the fact that NO I am not here for your convenience, and can't do the "just friends" thing after our past together... or do I LET IT GO???? ugh!

#9 Jul 8 - 9AM (Reply to #10)

dazed

Same thing here

Within a week of being discarded so quickly mine wanted to be "best friends". Are you kidding, I asked. I'm not going to be your friend and hear about who you're sleeping with. To which she replied, "I wouldn't be that cruel" Later that day she texted me: Sorry i got off the phone. My bf was texting me and he's my priority now" No, not cruel. Not at all. I stand corrected.

#10 Jul 8 - 9AM (Reply to #11)

Used

DAZED

SHE SAID THAT ON PURPOSE B/C YOU TURNED HER DOWN...THEY ARE SO FRIGGEN OBVIOUS AND TRANSPARENT, THEY ARE PATHETIC.

#11 Jul 8 - 4AM

SoaperGirl

Nice post Michele - Manipulation and Love Bombing

There are whole sites dedicated to teaching men how to manipulate the emotions of vulnerable women - we are, unfortunately, too often eager for love, and vulnerable to the first man who comes along who seems to show a genuine interest and attraction to us. Our feelings are real and deep, but for too many of these guys its all a game of mind control and manipulation. God, now I realize how much I was mirrored, manipulated and love bombed by my narc! I was too trusting for my own good! Makes me feel so stupid! It sickens me - Ladies we are not to blame - it's the manipulations and game playing used by pathological assholes out there who have learned how to hook our emotions. These pathological assholes can and will use our trust in them for their advantage to hurt and use us! About the only thing you can do, is learn what these guys are doing so you can recognize their con in action, and know to protect yourself and your emotions thusly. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!

#12 Jul 8 - 4AM

TNR1

I agree....

Had we not had the intensity of the attention from the N, would we have fallen so fast and so hard?

#13 Jul 8 - 4AM

Shareebles

I agree with everything in

I agree with everything in this... But do they consciously know they do it? S

#14 Jul 8 - 6AM (Reply to #2)

maky1

Do they know they do it....

Do they know they do it.... Good question. In my case, he did know he was doing it. He had a crush on me since we were kids. We started connecting through email and finally decided to meet in person. I got "profiled" big time and he became what he knew I wanted even though it was not who he was or what he wanted. When it all blew up in the end, we were having a post break up "talk" (which was me trying to get answers that you can never get from these guys and him trying to keep me hooked), he blurted out, " I was falling in love with you and I do NOT want to fall in love!" This from the guy who claimed love over and over. I asked why he said all the things he said... why tell me he wants love when he really doesn't? Why start up a "relationship" with me and lie to me and lead me on if he knew all along that he doesn't want to get serious? He DID admit that he said all those things to keep me around because he knew i wouldn't see him if he didn't. He didn't want me to go away. Then he added that he just didn't expect to actually have feelings for me. haha-- as if he has feelings, right?? I told him we could have been friends like we were before the "courting" started. He didn't HAVE to pursue me as in dating and relationship-talk. But that was the problem-- Can he do "just friends?" I don't think so. I don't think there is enough in it for him for that. He wanted that girl he always had a crush on to be adoring him and would say anything to get her. I also think it looked good to him, his two friends and family that he had a good girl at his side for once instead of prostitutes and casual gold-digging flings. But he doesn't want to date seriously and he knew it. He knew I would not be one of his casual girls, so he pretended to be a serious guy. He knew what he was doing. And it was mean and selfish. SO yeah... mine knew exactly what he was doing and was good at it. He profiled me, he lied, he played the part as long as he could and would still be playing it today if I let him and did not block him. I blocked the emails last year. I just blocked the phone number last month because he text again after no texts since "Happy Valentines Day" which I ignored... and this time his texts were full of all kinds of crazy things-- declarations of love, wild excuses, etc. Can't lie to me again!!!

#15 Jul 8 - 8AM (Reply to #3)

Smitten Kitten (not verified)

Ditto for me

"When it all blew up in the end, we were having a post break up "talk" (which was me trying to get answers that you can never get from these guys and him trying to keep me hooked)...... I asked why he said all the things he said... why tell me he wants love when he really doesn't? Why start up a "relationship" with me and lie to me and lead me on if he knew all along that he doesn't want to get serious?" This is almost identical to one of our post break up talks, and I said "Why would you tell me you haven't loved anyone since high school in the context of telling me you love me, if it wasn't true? "To win your heart," he said. "SO yeah... mine knew exactly what he was doing and was good at it. He profiled me, he lied, he played the part as long as he could...." Mine did this too. At the end he was telling me we weren't really compatible for each other, that we were extreme opposites, and new OW was a better fit with more potential for a long-term relationship. Of course, this was a 180 degree turn from the way it was in the beginning when he spun his fairy tale fantasy of a future with me. He was my friend on FB for many months and knew everything about me and whether or not we would be compatible in the long run before he profiled and targeted me. He also had a crush on me in school and decided to pursue and seduce ME, in spite of knowing all of the obstacles and limitations upfront. And after all the devastation he caused, he says "I shouldn't have done that. We were good friends before and still could have been." Gee, little too late for that buddy, should have thought about that beforehand. He was always full of false regret about things like that too with just about everything he did in his past, just like his false promises that he never kept. He said that phrase so many times regarding ways in which he'd screwed up other women's lives or hurt them, that it should be carved on his tombstone, "I shouldn't have done that." Just goes to show they never learn from their past mistakes and don't have the ability to predict consequences for their actions. Of course, that would imply that they made actual "mistakes," instead of acting with deliberate intention. They know what they're doing and they don't care.

#16 Jul 8 - 5PM (Reply to #5)

Susan32

What has been said can't be unsaid...

And certainly can be used AGAINST them! I had thought of the ex-Psych prof as my friend (we never got to the dating/sexual/marriage stage)... and in the aftermath of the final D&D, I told him I thought of him as my friend, along with my other friends. I paralleled him with a male friend of mine who had gotten engaged-and while I was slightly disappointed this male friend wasn't romantically interested in me- I was HAPPY this friend had gotten engaged. I told the ex-P that I was happy that he was engaged, just as I had been with this friend. The ex-P's response? That I had a "low opinion" of him, and that I was "taking him casually",since I saw him as a pal instead of an Authority Figure. I asked the ex-P, why had he told me SO MUCH ABOUT HIMSELF when he didn't want to be friends? He even said coldly "I was NEVER your friend." He was the ONLY professor whose father's name I knew (I had to keep that card in hand till '09, I had to know when to play it) His colleagues didn't talk about their families like he did. His response? "I was trying to LOOK HUMAN" or "I'm human" something defensive like that. He leaked enough personal info about growing up in Massachusetts, having a Dad who went to Harvard, knowing his Dad's name... I put it in my memory's "For Future Use." I think he now sees those times as the Golden Age... he could bring up his family when HE wanted, on HIS terms. He had that control-because his parents were all the way in New England. And now they're living with him. He could talk about his Daddy in an idealized way-one was left to use one's imagination- but now Daddy spends a lot of time on campus. Looks like I WON.

#17 Jul 8 - 9AM (Reply to #4)

Smitten Kitten (not verified)

One more thing

In this post break up talk, I also asked him why he told me he loved me and I was everything to him just 4 weeks prior. He said it was how he felt at the time. If you really feel that way about someone, it doesn't just change overnight.

Path Forward Buy Now Reviews
All About Her Buy Now Reviews
All About Him Buy Now Reviews