How long did it take before you became indifferent?

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Apr 30 - 9AM
NinjaGirl
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When I went NC, I REALLY went

When I went NC, I REALLY went NC. Meaning I didn't look anything up about him, I blocked him from Facebook, I didn't look into what his friends were doing, etc. I completely blocked myself from his life and vice versa. It took me (if I were to be extremely conservative) about three months until I was completely indifferent. After a six year relationship. When I decided to move on, I really did move on. Never underestimate the power of your own mind when you set it to do something and really mean it.
Apr 30 - 1PM (Reply to #11)
dudette
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ninjagirl

Kudos to you! 21 days is a brilliant achievement.... Dx
Apr 30 - 11AM (Reply to #10)
Deidre40
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I really like this idea...and

I really like this idea...and appreciate the insight. I am going to go for the 21 days thing. deecbee...yeah, I have heard of that. Thank you--the 30 days thing, also heard it marked at 21 days, for our brains to make the shift to making a habit automatic, or dropping a bad habit. Not to say, we couldn't go back to bad habits AFTER 21 days, but for me, not logging in for 21 days, is what I'm intending to do. I worry over stupid stuff though. Now, that he's back to posting on there...will he think my absence is related to him? It's actually not. There's just been too much drama on there for my tastes, and that wasn't my initial intent when I joined. I wasn't dating him when I joined. We knew each other, but were not together. That didn't happen til this year. But, now? My brain associates him and that site. That said, I have been on there posting before when he's been on. But, I dunno. It doesn't seem to be a site that edifites me in any way. He wants attention, attention, and more attention...so, that's why he's on there. He considers that part of his real life, because people in his real life dump him, like me. lol People on the internet, you can be a dick, and still have a following. Sad, but true. Not so much in real life. I thought about my friend, too. She can be friends with him if she likes...I don't care. I just will be cautious with her. The difference between her and me though? A guy off of that site slept with her, and treated her like crap...he follows me around now, and I'm just polite to him. I don't seek him out in threads, to chat with him, like she does. So my new motto is this. If you don't treat me with respect...and how I would treat you? You're not making my friends list. And I don't mean some bullshit FB friends list...for show. I mean my true friends list. Very few I think are gonna make the cut these days. :) But, I don't know what I'm feeling today. Like I feel seeing him post...it doesn't cause me to MISS him. It causes me to wonder why I ever dated him. He comes across now, cold...terse...and he ALWAYS did. And yet I still dated him. Oh well, can't cry over what's been done. Can only move forward. I am doing this 21 days things for me. I need to get off being on there so much...a site, that for the most part, is a validation site. Married people seeking validation from the opposite sex. (seriously, it's beyond obvious) Single people seeking validation. It's a site where you put your workouts and body on display...and so I can understand it to an extent. But, for someone like me who is trying to stop seeking validation from others to prove my worth...I need to stay away. Like someone with a drinking problem. I can drink, and never take another drink again no problem for a year. Or more. Or ever. But, someone with a drinking problem, they have to be very mindful of staying out of bars...being around sober people, etc. I think the same thing holds true for me, here. I need to caution myself with things that don't bring me to a healing and peaceful place. After the 21 days is up...I'm going to reassess the site, and see how I feel. Maybe I'll start an entirely new workout diary...and move on. Maybe I'll never go back. Maybe I'll idly chit chat with those I'm pals with...but, for now...for 21 days. I must do this for me. Truth is. Just staying off of it for a few hours, and I feel better. When I click onto that site, my stomach starts to turn, and that's not even viewing HIS posts! lol This might be a dumb question, but why can he post on there with no problem? I was telling a friend all this, and she thinks he uses the site, like he uses people. Like he uses women. For supply. She said...'get with it Dee!' hahaha Yep. I guess she's right. He looks for attention and supply...and so on...from the site. And believe me. That site will give you PLENTY of supply. Thanks for listening, and for helping me work through this today.
Apr 30 - 9AM
deecbee
deecbee's picture

Another thing that might help

Another thing that might help convince you to try the 30 day thing: I took a class a few months ago. It was for artists and entrepreneurs who were feeling "stuck" or lacked motivation or confidence to get to where they wanted to be. The teacher said that it takes about 30 days to create a habit that's easy to stick to. Our assignment for the class was media deprivation. For 2 weeks, we were not allowed to watch TV, surf the internet for any reason other than work or to check email, or important reasons, no radio, no entertainment magazines, NO MEDIA PERIOD. The lesson in all of it was that we procrastinate and waste a lot of time consuming mass media when we could be spending that time creating, or getting things done. The first few days were really difficult. By the end of the first week, it didn't bother me. I had a lot of free time and got a lot done, business opportunities fell into my lap seemingly out of nowhere, I felt "fresh" and not bogged down with news of wars, the economy, gas prices, mundane status updates that make me feel insecure on FB. None of that. Fast forward to 6 months later and I spend VERY little time (other than this website hehe) playing around online and wasting time. It has become second nature to me. Keep in mind that I was a media junkie, always up to date on the latest news, always on facebook, always shopping and fucking around online. I guess my point in that story is this: give it 30 days of your most serious effort. I think you'll be surprised to find out at the end of those 30 days how little this all means to you, and how you really don't give a crap about that website anymore. Once you pull yourself away from that and start building your own life, you'll be too busy with new opportunities to even care what's going on with him! Now... with that said, let's hope I take my own advice :)
Apr 30 - 9AM (Reply to #7)
Veronrose
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deecbee, Thank you for that

deecbee, Thank you for that post. I'm gonna try to do the 30 day thing. It seems like it might be a tad easier to do it in chunks like that than with the mindset of "I can NEVER have contact with this man again". Then after 30, I will do another 30 day chunk. :)
Apr 30 - 10AM (Reply to #8)
deecbee
deecbee's picture

Yes, manageable chunks are

Yes, manageable chunks are way easier! When we were given that assignment, i was horrified. Mass media was like a drug for me. I didn't even think I could make it a few days. Eventually, I stopped counting, and now it's like second nature for me. Start small with NC. Don't overwhelm yourself with "never again" (even though that's the end goal, it sounds unmanageable in the beginning). If 30 days sounds too daunting, do 2 weeks. You WILL be in a different place from day 1, guaranteed.
Apr 30 - 9AM
janine
janine's picture

Indifference

Wouldn't it be lovely if there was a time limit on this. If we could just go to sleep for a loooong time and wake up indifferent. It took me more than 11 years to get there. Though I'd left before there was always a little desire left for him. This time it is different, because the great passion I'd felt for him has gone. I still feel pity for him and a slight affection. But when I lie in bed alone I recall how lonely I had felt next to him and do not want that back. So for me the answer has been to go back until I actually felt that indifference and I had known it would happen, since I'd come close before. You, too, will get over this pain, just keep doing one day at a time.
Apr 30 - 9AM
Used
Used's picture

deidre40

i, sorry you are feeling low, i thought you had dropped that so called friend on the day you posted about her, iremember biegn so pissed off with her b/c to me the writing was on the wall, she LIKED HIM,WHEN FREINDS ASK YOU NON STOP QUESTIONS ABOUT A MAN THEY WANT HIM, EXNW FREIND DONE IT TOO ME WITH EXN. i know you are pissed off about him with his moronic posting but he is what he is and will never change you know he is a DOG per se, but her betrayal is something else, and i believe this is another reason you are feeling even lower. LET HER HAVE HER EVIL TWIN SILLY SLUT. and when he ends up treating like shit she will come running back to you i hope you slam the door right in her TWO FACED CONNIVING LOW DOWN BEHAVIOUR. I FEEL VERY STRONGLY ABOUT THIS SITU WITH YOU AND HER B/C I LIVED IT.exnw freind caught up with me last week first time in 10mnths, i let her talk and thought not in this lifetime will i ever be freinds with you again and i wontxx
Apr 30 - 11AM (Reply to #4)
Deidre40
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hahaha this made me

hahaha this made me laugh...yes, I hear you and at first, felt really angry this morning. She actually is involved with another guy, and is in love. I believe her. I think the attraction to this kind of a man (my ex narc) is like people had with Hitler. I'm not joking. I watched a show this morning about Hitler's rise to power, and germans who are still alive, and who attested to the fact that he had an odd charisma about him. YA THINK? To get an entire nation to kill Jews? Without blinking an eye? Blind obedience? That is this narc. He is not a cerebral narc. I think Hitlter was. But, he is a psychopath narc. He is very cunning. Very subtle. The women dislike him on the board, those who know his antics. The popular posters who are women, cannot stand him, except for this woman, my friend. I think she finds him appealing, in the same way people followed Hitler. I know that sounds crazy, but isn't it crazy what one man was able to carry out for 12 years??? The Holocaust? So, goes to show, some people have this spell-binding way about them. I fell prey to it, obviously. I slept with the guy. I told him I loved him. My God, what was I thinking. But, I remember feeling the spell come over me. He is very convincing. Charming, if he has to be. Sexy, yet rough. Many women find that appealing. Many MEN find it worth idolizing. It's the men I'm having more trouble with right now. That they idolize this jerk. But, then again...they don't KNOW him. If he were to abuse their sisters the way he abused me, doubtful they'd be idolizing him much. Yanno? ;) I will say, he is very regimented in his workouts, and for that, he's helped me greatly. But, that also became a source of ultimate control with me, for him. If I missed a beat, he'd yell about, and threaten to not help me anymore. Tell me I was disrespectful for not following it to the letter. I don't miss him. lol Not in the least. I just wish it never happened. I wish I could go onto that site, log like nothing happened. But, I can't right now. I also don't want him knowing my business. And I'm not longer his audience. So for that? I will stay 21 days...at least ...off of there. Thanks everyone, I'll be back later. I just am so thankful to have this site to come to. {{{hugs}}}
Apr 30 - 9AM
deecbee
deecbee's picture

Yes, absolutely get off that

Yes, absolutely get off that site!!!! NC means not letting him occupy ANY space in your mind, and if going to that website makes you think about him, you're not doing it correctly. I've been on/off with the N for 12 years and there were periods of time where we completely stopped talking for years. It took about 30 days of absolute NO CONTACT for me to stop thinking about him every day. I tell you, it was the BEST feeling to suddenly realize one random moment that he hadn't crossed my mind for a week. And in the next moment, I had forgotten about him and moved on to the next thought of the day. I'm back at square one like you, but I'm trying to get back to that point again. But I can guarantee you that any reminders you have of him will keep you from getting there. Get off the website, seriously. 30 days. I myself am going to stay off FB for a while, and I'm even thinking about taking a few days off from this website and posting only when I have moments of weakness. This is an AMAZING, supportive website, but I sometimes wonder if some of us cling to it for comfort. It helps me, but at the same time it does keep them on our minds. Find out what your triggers are in your every day life and make strict rules about them. Avoid those triggers entirely, or limit your exposure to them. I promise you once you pull yourself away from any reminders of him, get out and start living YOUR life and creating life experiences for you, you will feel yourself start to become indifferent. I know I've done it before and I will be able to do it once again.
Apr 30 - 11AM (Reply to #2)
Deidre40
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dee

Thank you for this deecbee!! I appreciate this very much. I'm going to do this. FTR...I don't miss him. I think the site triggers sadness over what I have done. What I allowed to happen. That people know my personal life on there. That he hurt me, never said he's sorry...and seemingly goes on like nothing happened. Even though I broke things off...it would have been nice to know we could part ways, in a friendly manner. But, no. He can't do that. So, the site reminds me of drama, chaos...and being taken advantage of by the guy. And why would I want to put myself through that, right? So...you are right. I am going to try my best to stay 21 days off of it...After a few days of going NC recently, I did feel better. Then, I started posting again. But, it's been a whole day since logging in...and I want to very much do this. For me. Thank you! {{{hugs}}}