I am not your left overs and it is not OK

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#1 Sep 26 - 6PM
round3
round3's picture

I am not your left overs and it is not OK

I am not your leftovers. I am not who you call when all your other options don't pan out.

I am not your leftovers. I am not who you call while you wait for your new source to put out.

I am not your leftovers. I am not your one stop shop for sex after you went out and put on a show for the crowd acting like the comfortable single guy.

It is not Ok that you put out a fake persona by mirroring me and led me to believe you were someone you were not, nor would you ever be.

It is not OK that you expected me to surrender all my values and morals and priorities to make you #1 in my life.

It is not OK that I spent 4 years walking on eggshells, swimming in selfdoubt, not noticing my self worth slowly trickle down to nothing, tieing myself in knots to be the person that would fit your dillusional image that I so badly wanted to believe in.

It is not OK that you lined up new source, and used me for sex and lied to me, telling me you loved me and we were meant to be together, all the while you were preening someone new for your next hostage.

It is not ok that you insulted my parenting skills, my home, my children, my career choice, my dog, my hobbies, my thoughts, my friends... It was not OK then and it is not OK now.

It is not OK that any time I made a little bit of progress in healing, you came back to pick at the carcass you left behind and I did not have the wherewithall to withstand your barrage of attacks and you took yet more from me. Until there was nothing left.

It is not OK that you degraded and devalued me to the point that I considered death and leaving my children motherless over feeling the way I felt when I was with you or when I was not with you. This is NOT OK. It was not OK then and it is not OK now.

It is even MORE not OK that you did all of these things repeatedly to me. With no remorse. No thought whatsoever. It is definitely NOT OK.

YOu will never read this letter. And I am OK with that. I don't need you to validate me anymore. I don't need you to explain why you did the things you did. I DON'T NEED YOU!

I am OK with you being disordered. I am OK with you never saying your sorry. I am OK with the fact that you wouldn't even know what to be sorry for because you are THAT disordered.

I am OK because I know you will live in your small world forever. And it will always get smaller until there is nothing left. YOu are an addict of sorts. And just like any addiction, all of a sudden the current dose is not enough and you need more. And you will do that chase, dance that dance, forever. And I'm OK with that. Because I don't have to dance with you anymore. And I don't have to think there is something I should do or could do to make that better for you. You will never be happy. Maybe... maybe just for a short period of time.. but in the end.. your highs will be shorter, and your lows will be longer... and you will agonize with the fact that you have no self. And I am OK with that.

I am OK and I am not your leftovers. Not any more. I am getting more OK every day. So you just go ahead. You show up at my meetings. You buy tickets to the dinners and dances I have gone to for years. And bring your OW. I'd love to see her. I'm OK with that.

Everytime I get the opportunity to watch your dance from the outside I get more OK. I get emmense gratitude knowing I got the opportunity to be free. Free from you. Free from the sick lies and deceit you lay out on absolutely everyone that comes in contact with you. I am FINALLY OK and FINALLY free!

I may hit bumps. I may have some anxiety and fear to deal with. But I am OK and getting more OK every day. I am focused and I am healing.

Really, if I were to be kind, (which I won't because you don't deserve it), I would thank you for the lessons I learned from my encounter with you. I learned that I deserve better. I learned that I do have control over something; that's me. I learned I can stand up for myself and fight for myself AND that I am worth fighting for. I learned that YOU never would do any of those things for me.

I learned that I am loved by many, and you put a cloud over my eyes so that I could not see that for a while. I learned that happiness comes from the inside and you stiffled me to the point that I couldn't trust my insides.

Most of all, I learned that you just aren't worth it. And that's OK. I'm expecting to have an abundance of energy as I heal. It will be all the energy I expended in to trying to please the unpleasable.... you....

It is good to be the main course... at a dinner I made for myself... and that I will partake of daily... and there will be no fuckin' leftovers...and that's OK.

round3

Sep 27 - 2PM
IncognitoBurrito
IncognitoBurrito's picture

Don't feed the animals

Sep 27 - 12PM
justmentheboys4
justmentheboys4's picture

speechless..

Sep 27 - 10AM
peachesn
peachesn's picture

Amen to that Round3!

Sep 27 - 2PM (Reply to #15)
IncognitoBurrito
IncognitoBurrito's picture

Umm hmm

Sep 27 - 6AM
brinamarie
brinamarie's picture

Round, loved reading this it

Sep 27 - 5AM
Deidre99
Deidre99's picture

someone is really healing,

Sep 27 - 3AM
NoMoreFreakBoy
NoMoreFreakBoy's picture

You Are

Sep 27 - 2AM
round3
round3's picture

leftovers

Sep 27 - 2AM
Sickofhim
Sickofhim's picture

So well written & expressed

Sep 26 - 11PM
Lovely1
Lovely1's picture

Finally free!! Love this

Sep 26 - 10PM
Done sourcing
Done sourcing's picture

That was simply perfect. God

Sep 26 - 10PM
virgoluv
virgoluv's picture

wow round 3

Sep 26 - 9PM
Alissa
Alissa's picture

great post!

Sep 26 - 7PM
tresor2
tresor2's picture

You are OK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sep 27 - 5AM (Reply to #4)
neverlookback
neverlookback's picture

that is the most important

Sep 26 - 7PM
Owliegyrl
Owliegyrl's picture

Nice:)

Sep 26 - 6PM
TarHeelBlue
TarHeelBlue's picture

You are definitely OK