I am so screwed I can`t even pronounce the word "screwed"
I am so screwed I can`t even pronounce the word "screwed"
I am..I chose to live in a rented appartment for the duration of my new college studies, though lately I haven`t been to classes much.
As if the rollercoasters with the Narc wouldn`t be enough to give me headaches, I brake NC very often, check on him, and he started some sort of hoovering again, but that`s not the reason I`m writing here..as always I depend on my Narc mother for money. There`s nothing more enjoyable for a Narcisist than to watch your life crumble, and to know he has the power upon you.
It has always been this way, since I was born. I tried as much to detach myself emotionally, to put stronger boundaries, to ask the smallest minimum things, a person could ask. I ask basically CRUMBS from her, not even the whole amount of money. I have a cousin and my grandparents, who sort of assured me, they would help.
And now this insensitive b*tch, excuse my vocabulary, but that is what she is, invited herself to my place, as if nothings happened and we are dear mommie-dear daughter. I haven`t given her the chance. She wants to ruin, destroy the smallest achievement I make!! ON PURPOSE!
I rejected her and said I will not allow her feet in my place ever. I haven`t asked for food, money, she didn`t left me a penny last time I saw her. She blackmails me and blames me.
I sent her a coupple of text asking firmly, from her to give me a straight Yes or No answer, will she or will she not help me with money. To know what I have to do.
And I receive finnally, an email like a BOOK, I don`t exaggerate, in the same old same old, "for your own good" kind of answer. And her words, quote "I need a reason to give you the money, because every sponsor has to have a reason to invest money in a deal"
(!!!!) How about the word PARENT ??? Is that enough of "a reason" to invest in your child? Jesuse Christ..I`m s screwed..
Basically the point of all those novels was "NO, unless you let me ruin your life some more, I won`t give you the money", it`s like selling your soul to the devil! Like paying her "whore" for another round of abuse.
If I let her I know what will happen. She will make everything about her, feed off my pain, blame, exaggerate, basically create drama in MY place! And I said No. And for that she leaves me basically moneyless..no surprise here either.
She expected this moment all her life. In fact, I bet she`s now dancing through the room!..
And aside from that, I haven`t been to kind on myself either, it`s so hard..I keep coming back to the surce of my pain (ex N), try really hard not to. I don`t dare to venture yet too much in the social life and stuff, and I don`t go too often to classes..and yes, I know how wrong all of it is.
My grandparents, the only two people in that "family" who ever loved me unconditionally are now very sick..and not very rich..It scares me the thought of them not being here in this world, they were my only hope when my mother was screwing me some more, and tearing another piece of my soul..
She knows, she knows everything she has done, but keeps playing the tape "I love you, for your own good". I can`t make it any longer, I have no energy and if I let her, she will destroy me even more. It took me months, and I still carry the scars of all her beatings, and I`m not even talking about my soul.
She even has the nerve to ask "why so much rush ?" because IT`S MY LIFE, crazy ***** and it passes!!
Hanging and depending on Narcisists parents, is like hanging in a spider`s web, asking help from the spider. It`s exhausting.
I`m in sort of an impass, this month I managed with my rent, but for the next month I will need even more money..I have almost a week until I`ll have to gather the money, and honestly I don`t know what am I going to do.
Thanks for listening, and if you have suggestions or soulutions about my situation, I would love to hear them..I`m sorry if this tone`s post may seem a little harsh, but I`m angry and sad right now.