I am so tired

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#1 May 23 - 5PM
Iamstrongerthanheis
Iamstrongerthanheis's picture

I am so tired

I am so tired, mentally and physically. I want so badly to be angry with my ex, I want him to be the person that he said he was. I want him to apologize for lying to me and my family, for emotionally abusing me and making it seem like it was my fault that everything happened. I was devastated when I found out about his lies, I was in denial, he still is. I started no contact, which lasted for a little while, I rationalized everything and made it better in my head, as soon as I spoke with him, I melted again and fell right back into the spell. I wanted to believe that he could change, that I could change him. I worked in the mental health field, I knew in my head that change for narcissists is near impossible, I have worked with them before. My entire life is upside down, I have quit my job because I cannot work with mentally ill people anymore, he broke me. I hate being in my house because I have so many memories here with him, this is where it all started, I thought it was going to be the best year of my life, it has turned out to be the most difficult. I am trying to take time to heal, but no one understands what I have been through, my family has no idea what this has done to me, they say I am not the same person I was before this all happened, I know this, but I don't know that I will ever be the same, this has been life changing. My rose colored glasses have been shattered and I need to learn to see life through different lenses. Just because I am a trusting and honest person, does not mean that everyone is. Like I said before, I have worked with the mentally ill, I know all about them, but the people I worked with lived a different lifestyle, they weren't "like me". They didn't show up in a suit, have a job, come from a wealthy family, they weren't like me, he played the part, but he was more ill than anyone I have met.

I am so tired, I want to let go, but I don't know how to do it. I am taking some time to heal and I am moving out of my rental house in June, which I hope helps to clear my head and reduces the triggers. I know there is a blessing in this somewhere.

May 24 - 5PM
fear for my sanity
fear for my sanity's picture

I too left my job

working with students with mental and physical health problems because I couldn't cope and lost my confidence in my own judgement. The tiredness, both physically and emotionally is so overwhelming sometimes, you seem to just drag yourself from one day to the next. My whole body ached and for a while I was convinced that I was really ill. You are doing the right things, staying NC now, removing some of the triggers. The rest is time and being kind to yourself. Focus on doing things that make you feel good about yourself.It will get easier gradually. You really are stronger than he is because you are taking steps to change your life whereas he will always be stuck in the same old rut! Take care.
May 24 - 5PM
fear for my sanity
fear for my sanity's picture

I too left my job

working with students with mental and physical health problems because I couldn't cope and lost my confidence in my own judgement. The tiredness, both physically and emotionally is so overwhelming sometimes, you seem to just drag yourself from one day to the next. My whole body ached and for a while I was convinced that I was really ill. You are doing the right things, staying NC now, removing some of the triggers. The rest is time and being kind to yourself. Focus on doing things that make you feel good about yourself.It will get easier gradually. You really are stronger than he is because you are taking steps to change your life whereas he will always be stuck in the same old rut! Take care.
May 23 - 8PM
Steph
Steph's picture

It's a really long

It's a really long process.....I see you joined 5 weeks ago....that is so early in the recovery phase. You are obviously an intelligent woman that was conned and that is a rape of the soul. Healing from this doesn't come easy or quickly. When family and friends don't understand, it really does make it that much more difficult. There is a lack of awareness in general regarding abuse, unfortunately. I hope you are in councelling, because it really is necessary. I am happy you have found Lisa's site. You are amongst fellow victoms/survivors here. We DO get it so use this site as much as possible to vent and read as much as you can about the disorder. The "letting go" will come in it's own time. It'd be great if we could just say "i let go" and then wash our hands of this and move on.....not quite so simple though! Stick with NC, and therapy, and the board and you will slowly, start feeling better. ps. I think moving out of your place that you shared so many memories with him in is a positive and proactive step you are taking with your recovery. You're stronger than you think you are! xoxo
May 23 - 7PM
Free2bMe4582
Free2bMe4582's picture

One day at a time!

You are tired but do not give up..find new ways to find small joys even though you are hurting..you will look back and see your progress..just keep pushing on and use this site for support..you can do it! Don't focus too much on the far future...just make it through the day doing something good for yourself..small victories add up to larger successes!
May 23 - 6PM
mynewlife2011
mynewlife2011's picture

If you continue with this

If you continue with this monster, you may as well take a 2 x 4 and bang it as hard as you can on top of your head. It took me a long while to realize I was part of the problem, going back for more and more thinking something was going to change. You know what changed? I changed, I became tired (like you because N's will suck you dry), I became depressed, fat, irritable, and then one day...I looked at myself in the mirror and said I am going to look 80 by the time I am 45 if I stay in this unhealthy relationship. If I keep giving to this monster who cannot give back, there will be nothing left for me to give myself or my kids. It takes a little self love, or self preservation, to walk away. It also helps to really look at his behavior/actions and not his words or that vision in your mind you created (because he is not that vision and you know it.) when you have done these things, it becomes much easier. Then you won't miss him, only what you wanted it to be.
May 23 - 6PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

IMSTRONGER

Journey said it another post, YOu cant move on until you burry the dead. You must face the fact that the masked man is dead. :( Only then can you move forward. Hunter
May 23 - 6PM (Reply to #2)
heritage
heritage's picture

hunter

That also helps love lessen for him. I never want to be treated with such horror as when his mask came off and the mask was a lie, a temporar fix and you are right it is dead. His d&d was so bad and all of my respect went out the door right with him. They are slime and very evil.They hate ti be callled inferior and I told him he is.
May 23 - 7PM (Reply to #3)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

DENTALAS

Oh.. he is a bug so squash him like one. SQUISH, SQUISH, Then flick that dead bug away. Hunter