All I can say is, only you can fix the problem!
Seek out a thearpist and go NC! You need to be tough on yourself or you will never get out of this hole!
Read what you wrote! If I wrote that how would you respond?
Good Luck, Idealk
As a moderator, you should not take sides, but if something is taken wrong maybe explain.
Idealk has been a HUGE part of the reason I am in recovery for 3 months now. She is saying a lot of what we all say. NC is key and the will to get out. Only you can get yourself out and it's not EASY at all, but it's necessary to survive. I was in such a dark dark place and that's why I related to Jaded. Idealk said the same thing to me when I was in this place.
Jaded has anger right now and that's awesome that she's feeling anger and not sadness right now. It would be great if she could direct some of that towards her narc. I remember my anger stage very very well and I wanted to punch something. It was all consuming and I couldn't sleep even. I had so much pent up built up anger and I was directing it everywhere. I saw a therapist and went on anti-depressants just as Idealk says above. There's no tuff love here. She's saying what we all said. It's from the heart and she has a huge one. I know a lot of the ladies on here will say the same in her defense.
She has saved my life! I have seen the therapist, gone on meds and will remain on them, and I'm NC. These are key things to stay far away from the narc.
It's an addiction to them! I have thoughts and miss him. I'm not cured yet by any means, but I'm still out of it and that's what matters. I've cried to Idealk when I've had triggers and she's listened to me and consoled me and helped me SO much. Please look at what Idealk wrote and you tell me where it is bullying or tough love. She's saying exactly what we're all saying. She has a HUGE heart and I appreciate her words. We all say things differently and articulate differently and we should appreciate each of our opinions and words of encouragement. No one here hasn't been burned the same way. We are all suffering greatly and we all have supported one another. It breaks my heart to see any fighting on this wall. This is our sanctuary and that's where you need to step in and help all of us. That's the role you accepted. Not taking sides but explaining any confusion on the wall and stepping in the calm people when they're upset. Idealk is an incredibly strong woman and has endured so much and has pulled herself out of it. Helping is what she is trying to do. I want peace for everyone and no more drama! thank you!
I think there is a time and a place for tuff love and that discernment is needed when we decide to dole it out.
While I note that Jaded has been struggling for a while, she is obviously in great distress.
While I believe your heart is in the right place, with all we read about how others just tell people to "get over it" this is the one place that people feel safe and understood and despite the battles with cognitive dissonance, illusion, trauma and all that comes with this painful situation, I think a little tenderness would go a long way.
We have to give people a chance to open up and feel comfortable.
If "tuff love" was a viable solution, I don't think there would be so many members...they could all just vent to their friends and have the same outcome, as despite the trauma, well intentioned friends also tend to "re-victimize" the victim.
While I understand you've been at this for a while and are not as raw...please try to understand the other's perspective and feelings...we were all there at one point.
I believe this go back to Wesel, As a moderator taking sides is not a good Ideal, I have many friends here and you need to moderate and not take sides.
I have stayed in Switzerland. I will do so again but I will say people have moved to purple and its not because of me.
Idealk
Makes me no difference. This is not about taking sides, this is about moderating and addressing TONE. The tone Idealk to be blunt from MY perspective...MY side...is your tone bordered abusive.
As a moderator, I responded to a poster who said in her posting:
I have severe PTSD.
That is the SIDE I'm taking.
I also have extrem PDTS myself and to call me and abuser is out of line!
Abuser? Are you comparing me to a Narc? I see a control problem going here!
Thank God I'm better! That's my final answer, read between the lines!
Idealk
You're offending me now! How DARE you call Idealk an abuser. This board is for everyone and your tone towards Idealk is abusive! You are the moderator here! Did you read my response to you? You're supposed to be giving EVERYONE here support and if a conflict should arise, then you are supposed to be the voice of reason. You are not the voice of reason here. You are blatantly calling someone on this board an abuser and I'm horrified and pissed now!!!
I have PTSD as well! I think quite of few of us do!
Thanks for all of your support, compassion and advice. I've been a member here for 41 weeks. I sought out answers long ago, tried to stay away from my "addiction" and never seemed to be able to. If I had no heart that would've been easy because my head clearly knows what's going on. The longer it went on I think the inner turmoil in me became so great because the head and heart were in a battle. Clearly no one wants to be abused and the funny thing is with this is that you don't even realize how bad it was until you start to talk about it. I posted my story many months ago. While writing it I sobbed for days and said I would never go back but I did and I think I protected myself better but I still allowed myself into that situation. If you read my story you'll know the level of sickness I dealt with. This time around I merely put up with him owing me money, me being without a dollar and him going to the bar instead of coming to pay me and make sure I had food and gas. It enraged me. It was always things like that. He'd move heaven and earth for a skeezer friend of his who lives with their mommy and has no responsibility and yet he'd leave me with no money, no food in the house and think nothing of it. How dare I get upset about it. I didnt get it, I still don't. Was their adoration that important that he wouldnt risk not coming through for them but he never came through for me? How do you say you love someone, take full advantage of them and not give a shit how their surviving. Had it not even been the fact he owed me the money, how about your girlfriend needing a little help? I have never borrowed from him or even asked. I've thrown 10's of 1000's at and away for him. I survive taking care of me but when he's around I'm manipulated into things that are not smart and leave me in precarious situations. I feel stupid and the irony is I'm smart. I.T. professional now and worked 19 years in software engineering. When it came to him I did not know how to say no, was afraid to not comply for fear he'd leave me, again. I went from having it all to having nothing at all in 3 years. It's a level of embarrassment I've never known. I gave it all away to a man that was more than happy to take it and as I sit here now in dire straights, with no one to call and not a pot to piss in. I'm angry as hell that he could not care less if I even do survive.
I've been hospitalized a couple of times since September with severe diverticulosis. It's a horrible disease. Did he take me to the hospital? No. Did he offer to come help me in any way? No. Did he even ask me if I needed anything? No. But if he's got a sniffle by god he's sick and the earth must move to see he's taken care of and his cold is recognized. The worst thing in the world for this disease......STRESS. According to his way of thinking if I just behave and let him do as he pleases, when he pleases, take the few crumbs he's willing to give, think nothing of my needs then we'd be happy, happy, happy and there'd be no stress. Mmmm hmmm. I feel like a puppet in his play. His level of selfishness kept surprising me and I don't know why. A couple weeks ago we were curled up in bed on a Saturday and I said I was hungry. He got up, went to the kitchen, got me his half eaten leftover sandwich from the day before then went back and made himself a fresh new sandwich. I said "wow" and started calling him "selfish sandwich".
I've tried to laugh about so much of it when my insides are screaming. I dubbed the oversized pillow on my bed "Big Pillow" and it gives me about as much as the narc ever did. It still cuddles me but lacks the charm of "pants off honey" every morning for him to get his rocks off while I got 2 minutes less sleep and a run to the bathroom before I was ready to be awake. I think he equated a lot of sex with good sex. Apparently so did I.
I have to say ideal your post kind of surprised me. You sounded like so many of my friends did before I stopped interacting with them. I think everyone's goal here is to find answers, heal, fix the problem and feel better. That may not have been the tone you wanted to convey and I just may be sensitive but it sounded like a strong armed message I've heard from many people who did not understand. If technically fixing the problem was that easy then it would be fixed. I clearly do not understand and I'm here seeking support and guidance. If I knew how to be my own best friend I'd be surfing the web for a new push up bra and not support on how to get out of bed tomorrow because my life has been torn to shreds by a tornado I did not see coming.
I personally know this feeling very well. Many months ago someone here who is not here anymore was very tough on me and I hated her for it. Now I love her for it as it sent me in search of proving her wrong but what I found is that she was in fact right. Without that exchange I may have never gotten to it. You see compassion and comfort is what we need but only to a certain extent. At some point it will keep you in victim mode. As long as you are in victim mode you will never dig out of this. Trust me I know this for a fact. I finally strated digging out of this and he knew and what happened? WHAMO he dropped a nuclear bomb on me to get me all destabilized. You see they want you in victim mode it keeps your energy focused on them.
Here's the deal we all want to say we didnt see the tornado coming but the fact is we did. We saw coming every time we went back. EVERY SINGLE TIME. I knew this man wasnt right I KNEW! but I continued to put myself in harms way. In fact I just did it again this week. You see every time you go back you are being emotinally dishonest with yourself. Continuous emotional dishonesty with your self will produce a dysfunctional relationship and disconnect with yourself. I truly believe this is the root of the problem aside from the fact that he is a wacko. I promise you if you stop focusing on him, his illness what he did to you and start looking at why did I continually put myself in harms way? Why did I feel compulsive to fix this? Why would I crave someone who has reapeatedly harmed me? If you start going at it from that end instead of the victim end you will get to the bottom of it and get some of your power back. I promise you. I have just been thru this and it works. I have now got to get myself back on track. He just derailed me. He doesnt want me to get to the bottom of this. He wants me in victim mode forever.
Please read up on repetition compulsion codependency and trauma bonding and core wounding. For me it is all of these things coming together that have put me in the mess I have been in the last year and my health has suffered dearly for it. Once you begin to start to take control of this situations yourself, I believe you will start to see your health improve. I believe once you start to take control of your own role and issues that are playing into this dynamic you will find some peace and hope. Staying in victim role will only bring you hoplesness and despair. I promise you I have been there.
So when it appears that someone is "being mean" to you on here sometime it is just what you need. To get freaking pissed and go in search of answers.
I cant recommend enough Shari Schreibers gettinbetter.com. It really was a catalyst for me that has helped me get to the bottom of this mess
What are you expecting me to say? If I didn't take action,read, learn, pull myself out of bed ,no one was going to do it for me.
If think I don't get it you are 100% wrong. I have been narc by this guy twice myself.
I can't hold you up like that Bra.
BTW: If a tornado took out your home how long would you stand there and look at the mess?
Idealk
Please keep your comments to yourself...I am so upset by them and so is Jaded. Bra? Tornado? This is not acceptable. Michele...someone...please address this.
I didnt expect YOU to say or hold me UP in any way. I posted my pain and you injected your harshness. I expected to post my story, my vulnerability, my pain, my fears and my sheer angst without judgement. This is safe. And from most here that is what I got. You're a bully. Not everyone can process what they've been through and how they deal with it because they've been told to "buck up". I needed real people, with real pain and heart. We'd all like to be smarter than someone else but on this I will not waiver,I just dont think you belong on this board. I've seen real heart, real pain, real love and total honesty and the only person I've seen trying to push and be right about everything is you. Thank you, I'll pass and take my journey with real women who have compassion and heart about how hard this is. Take up boxing and go beat the shit out of someone else.
P.S. I'm still angry too. I'd like to piss pound anyone popping their gum wrong but I dont. Please dont post one of your superior posts to me. I am in the fight of my life and I do get to choose and I dont choose to be strong armed by someone like you.
Jaded as I have said until you take control of this situation and find in you what is causing you to continue in pain and suffering it wont get better. I mean you may move on from narc after enough time but he will either come back as in my case or you will find another one. I promise you that is what will happen. This is something in YOU that needs dealing with he was merely the match that struck the flame.
DO NOT sit around and be terrified. You will only feed it. Have a talk with yourself. Tell yourself that you love and approve of yourself that YOU are taking control of this situation. That you will not be his victim!
THIS IS HOW YOU STOP THE MADNESS. THE POWER IS IN YOU!!!
I am still working on this myself but I know its there now more than ever the power is in me and he knows it thats why he dropped the nuclear bomb. Now I have to pick up the pieces and get back on track.
Welcome...**Hugs**
I know that feeling well, I really do, I was there in October...you will come out of this. Feel what you need to feel, you think you are going crazy but you're not...it's the PTSD.
You have been ripped raw, your heart, soul and mind have been psychologically raped.
If you feel really on edge, get to psych ER. It's not because you are crazy but seriously, I flirted four or five times not with suicide but this overwhelming uncontrollable feeling of just feeling - out of control...I was LOST...totally and completely.
I was in severe isolation. I chose to isolate from family because they were toxic also not the most compassionate bunch around, very needy and in my severe state of depletion...THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE FEELING...depletion, I had nothing left to give...i was shell shocked, an empty shell totally emaciated.
You will get passed it. I stuck to this board 24/7 and for a month the PSTD had me unable to speak...LITERALLY. I could not speak without breaking down.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE. It feels that way, and you might be isolated, stick to this board you will get your bearings back.
You have to let it out, vent, rant rave, and yes, I was a lunatic. I think I have about 1000 emails to him ranting calling him all kinds of you name it.
The thing is contact is not suggested, but you will have a ton of anger and feel that it needs to go somewhere. I suggest you try as hard as you can not to contact him only because each time, you are fueling him. That is where he gets his power from...you are feeding him each time. Good things or bad things for them all equal the same..."Supply" we are in a sense their drug as much as we think they are ours.
Get out every insane thought you have on this board. This is your tool for recovery...there is nothing you could say that would make us bat an eyelash...if you read through the posts, you will see that.
Again, welcome, share, get it out...understand, arm yourself with knowledge as once you can connect, understand and own this disorder, it takes away the feeling that it is YOU to blame. They do a number on our heads.
It's a psychological attack but you are not crazy...you feel crazy and these emotions are all normal and yes, part of the trauma.
I am here for you, as is everyone on this board. Please stick to the board especially now...I remember what you just wrote and being there...I do...
HUGS...
And, I'm not sure if you are with him still or not...but we will take it one day at a time...just try to get by moment by moment...
1) big hugs to you
2) it's not you, he is the fucked up one... xcuse my french ( I am french BTW)
3)it's not you - you are not really like that. He has driven you to behave like someone who is not you
4) this sounds like typical narc behaviour
5) this time do not go back, do not go back do not go back
6)NC - forever
7) try get some therapy and find the reasons why you love psychopaths
8) big hugs to you
9) NO CONTACT - NONE - AT ALL -EVER
keep posting and good luck x x x x
This is so similar to my story. I'm very sorry you feel stuck. I was in your shoes not that long ago. I was with my narc for 3 years too. He moved in with me last October and was out by the first week of December for cheating on me and treating my son and I like crap. I knew it was a huge mistake, but I could stop myself. I had lost my family and friends as you had and only had my narc. No one liked my narc as yours was unliked too. My friends never understood what was happening and thought me nuts for staying.
I hated my narc when I was with him and felt needy when he wasn't around. I would long for him and wonder what he was doing. I went crazy with worry that he was with another woman (which he was most of the time) and it completely consumed me.
I spent many a weekend in bed depressed when I wasn't with him and didn't know what to do or where to turn.
I never ever thought I would be strong enough to stay away from him. I thought I my as well die because I will never get away and he was tearing my mind and soul to shreds.
When he cheated on me right after our engagement this past December, I found every ounce of anger and hate that I felt for him and kicked him out. He had to move in with his ex-wife because it happened very fast. I was cold and rude and used all the lines he used on me. When he couldn't find something he would text me and I would respond and tell him to "use his eyeballs" (he always said that to me like I was 2years old) or to check Goodwill. I was hurting so much and thought I was going to die but I was angry, mad, sad, depressed, sick... you name it! I found the strength though and moved through Christmas and New Year's. Then Valentine's came and went. Now it's April 1st and I know he's taking his boat out today to put on the Lake and I'm still alive and moving forward. I'm sad at times, but nothing of what I was.
I've been learning a lot about myself and we all have an inner strength that we don't know we have. We are all capable of leaving these horific horrible men. Even though we feel stuck and can't leave. WE REALLY CAN! It's harder than hell at first, but I remember just as you said. I HATED him when I was with him and felt I loved him at the same time. I would look in the mirror and not recognize the person I had become. I would say WTF to myself all the time for being around someone like this. I told you this because I know where you are right now and I can relate. Just know that if you are willing to do the work... you CAN get out of this. We are here to support you. It's not the easy or fast road to take, but the view when you get here is much clearer and not as foggy. Big Hugs! Trust me! I was married 11 years and nothing can compare to the pain of the narc. NOTHING! My ex-husband is a much better man than the narc because he didn't abuse me the way this man did. Verbal abuse is a horrific form of abuse!! Oh! And mine broke up with me more times than I could count and I felt so relieved when he took me back each and every time. I didn't care what he had done...he took the pain away that I was feeling and that's all I wanted was the pain to go away. I just wanted him to love and respect me.
Happy1
Jaded
Michelle115
Happy
IdealK
Michele
Switzerland, Wesel, Purple
Ok DISENGAGE in this GARBAGE
I also have extrem PDTS
Michelle115
Thanks
Jaded
Jaded
Idealk you are out of line now
Seriously?
Jaded as I have said until
Jaded
Jaded
Jade
Jaded66
Happy
Idealk