I don't understand my own actions or motivation

Cannot fathom how a human being can be so cold and unfeeling. Cannot fathom how I lay with this man, looked in his eyes and thought we shared love, only to find that I mean NOTHING. My real question is NOT why he is that way, read enough to get that but WHY CAN'T I GET PAST THE INCREDULITY AND GET IT???? What is holding me back? Why after 10 days of NC and praying, did I reach out with any hope whatsoever of finding even a molecule of care for me?
I can only assume I have an addiction problem. I easily become addicted to sugar, smoking, drugs, etc,. and I must be battling an addiction to the adrenaline this person provides in the form of my rage, the drama, etc. I'm guessing that I probably need to deal with the addiction issue because my actions make no logical sense to myself at this point. I have no idea why I broke NC - I knew what to expect and was not disappointed. Just looked in the mirror and thought "what are you doing, girl???"