I feel like I'm going around in circles

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#1 Sep 16 - 6PM
Caligirl
Caligirl's picture

I feel like I'm going around in circles

I'm 5 months n/c. I feel like I've made progress, but lately I feel like I'm on the same, big circle, going past the same scenery. WTH? I'm stuck, and I need some help. Some of you know the basic gist of my story. I moved to be with ExN/P, after being LD and going to meet him once, and:

-Starts out AWESOME of course! Amazing Idealization Phase (lovebombing/flattery, I love you, and marriage proposal after 3 weeks. He writes music! Kind of a rock-type dude, VERY sexual).

-I live with him, but he's gone most of the time for work. I start seeing red flags, but he was verbally abusive even LD.
Can't seem to get close inimately. Everytime something came up, and I tried, phone hangups, ST, and names.

-Spend a month 24/7 with him for work, his "agenda" for us. Mask slipping. Calling him out on his treatment. D&D accelerates. Starts breaking up (threatened all the time before). Starts threats, getting scary, making me a scapegoat, "crazy" etc.

-Go back to his place (our place at the time). He tells me to pack up. He leaves for work again (for 1 week). I move out of state, but he was hoovering with phone calls for 1 week (no messages except first call). I didn't see all his calls bc my phone was on the blink. Don't know what he wanted.

-1 week later, he finds out I've gone. There has been no more phone calls, etc since.

Ironically, I find out after moving how disordered he is, NPD-P, etc, not just an abuser. Ok, that means my decision to move was right on. Check. Also, I live in a beautiful area, close to the ocean. Where he lives is nowhere near as nice, bad weather, drab scenery, lots of dirt and dust, fires (I think part of why he doesn't try to call is bc he knows I'm not going to go back to that!). Now that I know he is PD, that SHOULD make it even more final to me. I know how bad he was, know WHAT he is, know he can't change, and I live in a place no sane person would move from to there (I was in a different city before), so why am I still sad and struggling with n/c, hoping he'll call?! It's like I'm on this circle...oh there's "D&D Lookout Point" for the 75th time! How do I get off? I could use some advice please. I've always been level-headed, but I'm stuck. Any and all advice is appreciated. xx

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Sep 17 - 3PM
newtothis
newtothis's picture

OMGosh...i too am in cali and had a similiar experience

and i feel exactly the same way you do. It is as if we had the same experience. HOW STRANGE.
Sep 17 - 3PM (Reply to #16)
Caligirl
Caligirl's picture

newtothis, really? That is strange, but then what is

validating is that all our experiences, although different in some ways, is so much the same. Since these N's are all the same, it is validation of one being narced. Sad, but reassuring. Mine lives out of the state. Thank God, I don't have to worry about running into his sorry ass. Sorry you had a similar experience. It sucks big time! Hugs!
Sep 17 - 3PM (Reply to #17)
newtothis
newtothis's picture

Hugs back at cha caligirl!

mine lives out of state as well. This process of healing sucks, but I know it is better than staying blinded and allowing the N to continue to suck the life out me. I have to believe there is life and happiness waiting for me and you. So-Cal is a beautiful place to call home!!!
Sep 17 - 3PM (Reply to #18)
Caligirl
Caligirl's picture

newtothis, thanks, what part of cali you in?

I've been in both nor-cal and so-cal. I prefer so-cal. How long were you with your N? Mine was about a year all total.
Sep 17 - 3PM (Reply to #19)
newtothis
newtothis's picture

lol....i was with him 8 months caligirl

I am in San Diego...you?
Sep 16 - 9PM
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

It's really hard to explain,

It's really hard to explain, but one day...you just stop the whole cycle. I think it's when I said OUT LOUD...''I want peace.'' And I said it often. I think the more I said it, the more logical it seemed that the ex N and the minions and that website I used to hang out on where we communicated a lot (like you, we had a LDR)...had to go out of my life. So...pray. Keep busy. You made the right decision. Without a doubt. I think it's how it all happened too. I think it's even harder if you didn't do the dumping. You moved for him, had high hopes for the relationship. It is not at all illogical that you would want some closure. I think that's what we all yearn for...closure. I did the 'dumping,' but got no closure. lol It was non stop head games, baiting, off kilter hoovering, etc...for a few months. That's just what they do. But, no closure. Closure comes from within. WHEN WE SAY...NO MORE. I want peace, and I want it today. And if you keep saying that, you will build your own closure. I promise you. I broke NC to get a point across...but, in the end, breaking NC is dumb. Get your own closure, girl. You deserve better. I wish we lived closer...our narcs have a lot of similar traits! ((hugs))
Sep 17 - 4PM (Reply to #14)
Caligirl
Caligirl's picture

Deidre, thank you, girl! I was thinking back

to the closure (or lack of) and wondering if that could be part of it. And your right, I had so many hopes and it cost me so much money to move twice! I had a massage yesterday and what I thought of was, "I want peace." I'm going to make that my new mantra:) So, I need to get that closure for me, and I'm going to work on that. Thank you for saying I deserve better. I really needed that and I NEED to REMIND myself of that! I know, I wish we lived closer too, so we could talk about about our exN's over a cup of coffee. They do sound similar. Mine has an utter disrespect for women too. Oh, the stories we could tell I bet! Lol. Glad you're going to be staying n/c from now on. That guy doesn't deserve 1 more second of your time. Hugs! I hope you're having a good weekend. The massage helped me a lot too! :)
Sep 16 - 7PM
Winter
Winter's picture

Same here, same circles... But

Now I try to accept any feeling I have. And trying to love all my feelings. I recently started a log of my mood. Twice a day I evaluate my mood on a scale from 0 to 10. I put it in Excel and then I made a graphic chart. You know what? Surprisingly, I have noticed some improvements. When we feel down we have tendency to over generalize it and feeling bad about feeling bad and then the panick kicks off(big part of my cirle). This log gives me a tool to see the real big picture of my progress. Circle – yes, fluctuations –definitely. But there are improvements and they are obvious. You lose nothing just to try it, right? Courage to you, Winter
Sep 16 - 8PM (Reply to #9)
juliamarie
juliamarie's picture

Wow...super analytical

That is such a great idea. I get some relief from reading my early journals. I've actually come a long way considering. But my anger phase keeps coming around. It's such an interesting idea to chart progress in such a quantitative way. Interesting!
Sep 16 - 8PM (Reply to #10)
Caligirl
Caligirl's picture

Winter and JM, thank you

I like this idea of a mood journal and last night, I read my journal that has notes about how he treated me, etc. That helped. I think another part of it is that I just left, disappeared, no note or anything, so I feel like I abandoned which is so not me. I usually hang in no matter what. I stick. But he was so mean and was getting physical in nature. Anytime I tried to talk to him, it was more abuse, more headgames. So bc I left, I feel bad. It makes me feel as though I was the N. My therapist a few years ago said I wasn't, and said, "Cali, there is nothing wrong with you. You are a person who knows her feelings and are very aware...that's good." Even still, I sometimes think it was me to blame and not him.
Sep 16 - 8PM (Reply to #11)
Winter
Winter's picture

Caligirl

Dear, please don't put the blame on you. For you it was about saving your dignity and sanity. This is what you did. Bravo! You did not abandon him all of the sudden, for nothing, right? He knows very well why you did it. He is too "proud" to beg you back? Good for you! Lucky you! He made your NC and healing task so much easier. We will all understand it fully later, not now. And now, as Juliamarie said we need to work on our issue of "needing them to need us to feel good about ourselves". This so sharp and even funny if we take it with a bit of self-irony. Love, Winter
Sep 17 - 3PM (Reply to #12)
Caligirl
Caligirl's picture

Winter, thank you so much for this!

It touched me so deeply, I began to well up, but I had to go to my massage appointment (another lifesaver). I never thought about it this way, Winter. I had so much guilt bc I do not abandon...he always did or threatened, and I used to tell him it hurt. And he is a very proud man! He will probably stay that way for the rest of his life. Saying we will understand so much more later gives me peace. It is just one day at a time! For now, it is time to focus on us and our healing. Again, thank you for such kind words! Hug!
Sep 16 - 6PM
juliamarie
juliamarie's picture

Wish I had some great advice

But honestly, it just sucks. And it's a process...not a linear one. The damage that the disordered inflict is long lasting unless you do a lot of work. You have to embrace the pain and move through it. It's all you can do. You obviously know you made the right decision, but the heart sometimes doesn't actually catch up to what your head knows right away. That's why it's heartbreaking, frustrating, annoying, crazy making.... Be gentle with yourself and don't expect miracles. It's one day at a time. The wishing he would call is that codependent need for external validation. I am going through that as well. Intellectually, I KNOW I don't want him, but I need him to need me to feel good about myself. I realize this is my issue. Not his. I'm working on it. Not saying this is where you are, but I am certainly struggling. We all are. You don't end up in a Narc relationship without being ripe for the picking. Figure out why you looked like such low hanging fruit to this person....and don't ever be it again for anyone. Boundaries is your new favorite word. You're doing fine! I'm jealous of where you are living!! Can I move out there with you?? Lol! Hugs! JM
Sep 17 - 5PM (Reply to #7)
HeatherWho
HeatherWho's picture

Heart and Head

Put so perfectly! I filed for divorce 6mos ago and still haven't been to mediation! Not because I don't want to, or wish this to continue. There's another disorder out there and it's called "attorneys"! Don't mean to offend anyone. NC is not a choice due to a child. I don't want to be a "bitter" woman. That is not me. I am waiting for my heart to catch up! Validation, I believe, is something that we all appreciate. Many get it simply from a good word at work. We also get it here from one another! If my heart had listened and been caught up with my head at the beginning, I wouldn't be where I am. I have to believe it's all for a good reason. I can't help but think I'm going to be extremely skeptical (bitter) going forward, and I so don't want to be that way! I had peace before him and I'm getting more back each day. I just want it to be finalized so the games can end. I can't wrap my head around how someone can treat people the way he does?! Hugs to everyone who's here, been here, done it! Heather
Sep 16 - 8PM (Reply to #6)
Winter
Winter's picture

Juliamarie, this is so true!

And so well said: "The wishing he would call is that codependent need for external validation...I need him to need me to feel good about myself I realize this is my issue. Not his. I'm working on it." I have the same relization, but you wrote it so clear! Could you please share how you work on it? Maybe we could share some "tips and tricks"? Thank you!
Sep 16 - 7PM (Reply to #5)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

This is great advice

I love what you said, JM. This is outstanding advice and so clearly illustrates what so many of us go through in our recovery. God bless, Goldie
Sep 16 - 7PM (Reply to #2)
Caligirl
Caligirl's picture

juliamarie, that was great advice. Thank you!

I wish my heart would get in gear. I think that IS a big part of it. I'm sad, maybe depressed. Like you, I think I need that external validation, if I only knew he had needed me too, hurt or even knew WHAT he was "feeling," probably just rage. It sucks! I'm trying to figure out why too, and have found some reasons why I was ripe fruit. Thank you for saying I'm doing fine. :) Yeh, you can move here! It's a great place to live! Esp here in So-Cal, but fyi we have power outages and earthquakes! Lol Hugs back!
Sep 16 - 9PM (Reply to #3)
lilliandiane
lilliandiane's picture

moving

You guys can come to Chincoteague, VA--that's where I am moving! Actually I am hoping to move to a little house in Exmore, which is bounded on the east by the Atlantic Ocean and the west by the Chesapeake Bay. Ahhhhh.... Recovery is hard. I think because the mind has a hard time accepting 2 opposite beliefs at the same time. He loved me. Therefore I was safe and protected. He devastated me and left me. Therefore I was not safe and totally vulnerable to him. I think the mind can't sort these messages out. My N loved me at the beach and for a week after I came back home to him. Then he chose against every feeling he created in me, hurt me and walked away. I will ask why for a long time. But I have to share part of this poem by Edna St. Vincent Millay: Pity me that the heart is slow to learn what the swift beholds at every turn. The whole poem is much better, but those 2 lines are what we in this group struggle with constantly.
Sep 17 - 3PM (Reply to #4)
Caligirl
Caligirl's picture

lilliandiane, thank you

Exmore sounds beautiful! I agree, having to wrap your head around two opposites definitely makes it tough! Damn N's! Why can't they leave without wreaking havoc in our lives? Thank you for the poem. Beautiful. I hope and pray we will all be strong of heart once again VERY, VERY SOON! Hugs and peace -Caligirl