I feel like I've turned a corner.

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#1 Apr 18 - 5PM
Deidre40
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I feel like I've turned a corner.

...Hopefully. lol :D

I really have enjoyed my rides home from work, without hearing his voice. I have enjoyed not 'having' to stop what I would be doing, to call him at whatever time he requested, because he had to go to bed early for this job. I've enjoyed talking to whomever I please, and not 1000 questions at the end of the day. (to catch me in a lie, or to make me feel bad)

I have enjoyed the freedom away from this man. I really FELT it today. FREEDOM from the whole dynamic. All those tears last week. All that anguish on Sat night. All of it, I had to go through, to get to the other side.

Ladies ...keep swimming to that other side. Getting there, when you're swimming, and kicking, and paddling...it can be hard. Very. You will want to turn around and swim back to what was familiar, the pain...and wanting him. But, trust me...the closer I get to the other side of this, the better I really do feel.

I think we can read tons of articles. We can listen to each other's stories. We can share our stories here. But, we have to be committed to the hard work of NC and the hard work of the swim to the other side. (I'm dubbing it that now for myself lol)

I also decided to start thinking like him. I will not back down. I will not run away from that website, like a scared little kid. Granted, if it thwarts my recovery, I will take breaks. But, I have people on there who have become pals...and I enjoy the site. Why should I let him run me away? But, I have decided to start thinking like him--and I am nothing more than a pawn in a game to him. At one point, maybe MAYBE what we had was real. But, this whole thing. The profile nonsense, the luring me back, the smashing me down over texts...it's going to stop.

No matter what he says, does...on that website or to me directly...he will get no reply. Because no reply will be what he does not expect nor want. And he is trying hard to get reactions from me. It dawned on me...that he wants me to be thinking of him. To feel regretful of my decision. He is preying on my emotions. The pic of the chick didn't get my attention. The porn pics he is now posting on the website with comments that say he wants to 'do them' *eye roll* isn't getting my attention. So he resorted to being kind to get my attention. And it worked. I took the bait. Texted.

I have become wiser though. Being smashed down is not something I want for myself. Ladies. We deserve better than these people. I would glad remain single forever, than tolerate one more SECOND of this treatment. I turned a corner today. I don't want to hear from him. If he plays games to get my attention, I'll be ready to not react.

I am proud of myself. I am not interested in going on his profile. :) That's progress. And doesn't feel like a struggle. If he wants to put all kinds of nonsense up...go for it, babe. If he wants to keep my pics and comments up...go for it. I'm truly going to let this man go.

I know why I kept going back. And now that I'm dealing with those demons, the urge to want to call him for validation, is dissipating.

Keep swimming ladies! You'll get to the other side. I'm not there yet, but I can at least see it. :)

Apr 19 - 11AM
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

UPDATE

I'm still turning the corner. :D Not missing him. Not wanting him. IN FACT. I have had a peace wash over me today, like nothing else. My eyes look different. They are no longer empty. And lifeless. I didn't realize what a toll this was taking on me! I don't care what he does. And hoovering would just be an annoyance to me, right now. I am enjoying finding myself again. I didn't realize what a prison I had created for myself with him. But, I had the key!!! Just sharing.............
Apr 19 - 12PM (Reply to #11)
kgirl
kgirl's picture

Fantastic D! love to hear

Fantastic D! love to hear it...keep swimming! :) ~~~>-{{{'>~~~
Apr 19 - 11AM (Reply to #8)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Wahooooo

Wahooooo
Apr 19 - 11AM (Reply to #9)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

woot! :=)

woot! :=)
Apr 19 - 12PM (Reply to #10)
spinning
spinning's picture

D!!!! Big CHEERS!!!!

Good work. You are on the road to recovery and happiness and people will notice!! This guy's a LOSER anyhow. Good RIDDANCE. You're absolutely right...isn't it liberating not to be so tied to the phone, not to be controlled, not to be treated like a sex object only... Great job, Diedre! I can tell you have turned a corner... And to borrow a phrase, it's IDEAL!!!! Hugs to you and way to go! sincerely (think I've finally stopped) spinning AND IT FEELS DAMN GREAT!!!!

spinning

Apr 18 - 6PM
agitating prop
agitating prop's picture

Asking men like this for

Asking men like this for validation is like asking a selfish child to make you feel better about yourself. Also a bit like asking Jack the Ripper for stitches. You begin recovery like a wounded animal, doing the dog paddle. By the time you approach the other side, you're doing the butterfly!
Apr 18 - 7PM (Reply to #6)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

Yes, exactly. lol @ jack the

Yes, exactly. lol @ jack the ripper reference. I did NOT look at his profile tonight. He was online. I felt my heart thump a tad. Only because I'm only waiting for the other shoe to drop. He still has not taken down my profile comments/pics from his profile. (remember I can see that through the 'count' on my profile) But, it didn't bother me as it once had. I was talking to a guy on there tonight, who's pals with him. He of course does not know this man offline, like I did. He said...''so what happened with you two? You seemed peeerfect together.'' I said...''We're good people, just not right for each other.'' I refuse to tell anyone the real story. I don't want to throw the man under the bus. I know what happened. He knows. And that's good enough for me now. I have you all here to vent to. I can't thank Lisa, Michele, and all of you kind ladies enough for the help and support you've given to me. There is NO OTHER PLACE LIKE THIS ON EARTH. LOL Seriously, where we can come to and be heard and understood. I think I'd be back with him now, if it weren't for this site. Seriously. So, he and I talked...and he said...''four divorces. has to be rough on the guy.'' Um...hello? He's the common denominator. I said...''yeah, probably...sounded like he went through a lot of bad stuff.'' I was vague. Just said...it wasn't a good fit. And I won't bother him anymore; I'll respect his wishes. And when I read that last line back to myself before pressing send. I meant it. :D I really meant it. I will no longer reach out to him anymore. I don't want to. I don't miss him. And it doesn't matter if he's a narc, a psycohpath, both...none of the above...IF I AM HURTING ON A DAILY BASIS OVER HOW SOMEONE IS TREATING ME...I NEED TO LEAVE HIM. Period. And...I went for a long run tonight. And it was glorious. It would have been the time of night I would be calling him. And getting reamed out for God knows what. So, I smiled tonight, when I ran. I was free! And for the first time in a while, I realized...I'm happier without him. Let me say this again. I am happier without him!!! ........keep swimmin!
Apr 18 - 5PM
kgirl
kgirl's picture

Wonderful D!....keep

Wonderful D!....keep swimmng! I'm so happy for you...proud of you...inspired by you... ~~~ )-}}}"> ~~~~ (it's a fish swimming :) ~KG
Apr 18 - 7PM (Reply to #2)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

KG

the irony...is there is an ad on this site for *endless pools* :P Oh I'm funny. lol Thanks KG!!! {{hugs}}
Apr 18 - 8PM (Reply to #3)
kgirl
kgirl's picture

Like my new picture?? I'm

Like my new picture?? I'm hoping it inspires me to keep swimming :) Are you a runner? I ran 1/2 of a half marathon this past Saturday..... hadn't really trained for it so it felt kinda crappy :). I think I need to get back into running. I've stayed away from it because narcette and I used to train and run races together. But I think it's time for me to take my hobby back! I know what you mean.... nothing like a beautiful long run to cleanse your mind and lift your spirits! I'm so glad to see you doing so well :D ~KG
Apr 18 - 8PM (Reply to #4)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

KG lol

OH WOW KG! Good for you!! I would LOVE to run a 1/2 mary. I was training for a tri...and I may still do that. I think that often times, we don't do things because we fear that it reminds us of the narc. Like I was going to abandon that website. Like your thoughts to running. Live life. This life is filled with so much beauty. Occasionally, we step on a landmine, and our heart explodes. But, that too is part of life. We learn. We grow. I so wish life didn't have so many lessons. But, this whole experience...plus the one from last year...I have learned that I needed to change. It's not the end of the world to have fallen in love with your narcette. You did...and believe me. She enjoyed you. Don't think she didn't. You seem like an awesome woman. No way, she didn't enjoy you. But, she doesn't feel love like you. And at the end of the day...you are still awesome. That's the thing. We are not awesome because they tell us so. We're awesome, because we just are. It's time to stop looking to these people for validation. Acceptance. Apologies. Love. Comfort. Because they are like hugging a porcupine. Would you seriously pick up a fucking porcupine and hug it??? :P PS--Yes...love your new pic. How do I upload pics? I tried to do it the other night and couldn't figure it out.