i had a disturbing dream last night

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#1 Aug 1 - 12PM
Brooke1
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i had a disturbing dream last night

I had a very disturbing dream last night.I had taken a little more of my anti-anxiety meds than i was used to,so that might be it, but this was the first time dreaming of my bf with another woman.
It was a girl i used to know more than 20 years ago. She was really tough,and loud. Infact, she had a meanstreak. And she is way younger than me.and as it is, im 14 yrs younger than my bf.....she is not his type either i dont think.But in the dream, she was coming onto him,and i got the impression that they had been together before and she was deciding to take him back. He was so happy with her,he couldnt stop smiling. It was horrible.
Like i said, she was a really tough person.Maybe i feel like if i wouldnt have been so sweet to him, or if i would have been more confindent, he would have liked me more and treated me better. I am the one that has pretty much left him,but there was nothing to leave...he was no more attracted to me than he was to a piece of cardboard! He hasnt even bothered trying to make things right,but continues to say he loves me,like a parrot.(and with a flat voice to top it off). It means no more to me than if a parrot was saying it,cause his behavior screams "you're my last priority!"
I dont know why im saying all this...just venting.

Aug 1 - 6PM
rosedewittbukater
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Parrot

It means no more to me than if a parrot was saying it,cause his behavior screams "you're my last priority!" I heard this too every time my N opened her mouth. I left too, but like you there was hardly anything left to leave. I have dreams like this ever since I left. They are just awful and for me it is the same theme very much like yours. She is with another person (always younger than me) LOL and I am chasing her like a pathetic idiot trying to get her to pay attention to ME! Ugggh. Honey I know what you are going through. I think it is our minds trying to heal themselves and trying to process what has happened to us. Hugs to you. Rose
Aug 1 - 2PM
Brooke1
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i figured out why it was her of all ppl

I figured out why it was that petiticular girl of all ppl. -even though she was mostly gay. When i was around 19, i had been kicked out of a shelter where i was living and these 2 women that i had met in there had an apt by then and took me in for a few mo. It was her and her girlfriend.They had a very dramatic relationship and used to fight all the time.Mean fights.Theyde be on the ground,punching each other and pulling hair,etc.But one thing for sure--they had passion for each other.Infact,they were obsessed with each other,and very attached.Unlike my narc and his indifference! That girl was in my dream with him,i realize now,because she represented passion--how my relationship with N was suppose to be.I know that wasnt a healthy relationship they had either,but at least they had feelings!right? I wouldve rather been punched in the face every day or have to deal with unreasonable jealousy than to be treated like a casual buddy! Thats just me.(if i had to choose) I wish i would have been true to myself and walked away as soon as he started being too casual about me. Its hard to feel good about myself after letting him do that for so long.I mean, ive had many bad experiences with men.many different kinds of bad treatment--but theres something about a man your in love with being so annoyingly casual about you....its so insulting and hard to get over. He couldnt have been more hurtful if he tried. If he would treat any other woman like that,then fine.But what makes me feel bad about myself is,what if it was something about ME personally that was a total turn-off? What if some women in his past or in his future was or will be more attractive,more important to him? I hate that thought.I also kind of regret letting things taper-off so much with him and end so slow. I shouldve had some pride and made a dramatic exit! (i dont know)
Aug 1 - 6PM (Reply to #9)
rosedewittbukater
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Stop what iffing

That is what gets us into trouble! You are a wonderful beautiful human being. It is not you it is him!! Those women will not be any more attractive or important to him, he will find fault in everyone it is inevitable. Normal people are not like this! The devaluation you are speaking of is very cruel and I believe it is every bit as bad or more damaging than physical abuse. Don't knock yourself because you gave someone benefit of the doubt and hung in there, hoping like we all did for them to make it right. Dramatic exits DO NOT WORK on narcs, trust me. They are the only ones entitled to drama. When someone else does this they are unaffected. It's good though you figured out who the woman in the dream was. How incredibly revealing of the subconscious mind our dreams are!
Aug 1 - 2PM (Reply to #6)
spinning
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indiff...I'm gonna go all

Hunter on you and say READ WHAT SHE WROTE BELOW. He is not human. He is not capable of feelings like you or I. There is NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. It is his disorder! His flat affect is because he's an empty shell! Whatever flavor of the month he chooses will get the SAME THING! He cannot be any other way. HE'S NOT WIRED RIGHT!! Please, sweet indiff, please try to shift the focus off of reasons to feel bad about yourself and onto reasons to feel good! You know that being involved with him is a mistake because of how bad it makes you feel! So you're stopping it! That's GREAT! Pat yourself on the back and congratulate yourself for knowing this. And then start dreaming about what you'd really like in a relationship, in your life and concentrate on that. Reinforce that and you will get it. Truly. Hugs to you, indifference. Be kind to yourself. You deserve it, you really do. Most sincerely, (trying hard not to return to) spinning. IT'S HARD WORK BUT THERE IS NO ROOM FOR CHAOS, SHAME OR DOUBT IN MY LIFE.

spinning

Aug 1 - 2PM (Reply to #7)
Brooke1
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"His flat affect is because he's an empty shell"

I dont know why but sometimes i had to read or hear alot of things before something finally soaks in. Somehow that sentence did it. aaaaw now i feel sorry for him again. I have to get over that "poor broken man" thing. He's a person capable of choices. I guess he chooses not to get better. As far as not taking it personally though, im starting to see more clearly.Thankyou.
Aug 1 - 3PM (Reply to #8)
spinning
spinning's picture

I know, indiff...

I too still struggle with actually FEELING SORRY for the extremely DISORDERED one who tried to take me down. In fact I'm fighting spinning right now because I'm having flashes of feelings like it was somehow my fault...like somehow I'm not good enough and never will be. BULLSH#$!! I have to fight this with all my might because I know differently. He chose me because he WANTED what I HAD/HAVE and what he knows he CAN NEVER HAVE for himself. I know all of this, but it's still hard. As my sister says, when I start to think I feel sorry for the poor, lost abandoned little boy (he's a classic borderline, was adopted at age 5, has abandonment issues) I need to feel SORRY FOR MYSELF for being sucked in and duped by a MASTER MANIPULATOR AND LYING FREAK who never deserved one moment of my time. Woah...do I sound bitter or what? I'll take that over being depressed and 'spinning' any day. Hugs to you indiff. We'll get through it. Most sincerely, (resolved to refrain from) spinning. NO WAY. I REJECT ALL SHAME AND DOUBT.

spinning

Aug 1 - 1PM
Hunter
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Mission accomplished

Ok, he wins, one for the Narc, he's in your head! He got to you, he won this round! How about you take round 2. Stop,, you are approaching this as if he is human! They honest to God have no soul..none, zero!!! You need to understand this, she is younger, prettier, fatter,smarter, blond, green, they don't care! They want to stirp your soul, its the end result that counts! Mission accomplished,we become pill pooping nut cases after this attack! listen to Tom Sheridan, he's earning a living off these Fuckers! Watch True Blood on HBO. These narcs have the same dynamics as a vampire! When I watch the show it hits home! They drink blood from the best supplier! So he got to you, now The balls in your court! NCNC,and find the things that make you happy! I pray you next dream is heavenly :) Hunter
Aug 1 - 3PM (Reply to #4)
Brooke1
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"find the things that make you happy"

Believe it or not, i actually forgot about that. I just realized he must have consuming me again for a while now...i forgot about my life. Yes thankyou i hope the next dream is better too :)
Aug 1 - 12PM
Layla
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That really stinks..........

I usually feel totally cheated if I have a dream with my N in it.....yuck! Reality is BAD ENOUGH but to steal my dreamtime too? Awful! As for your "dream" don't try to analyze too much, dreams really do not mean anything.......
Aug 1 - 3PM (Reply to #2)
Brooke1
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"I usually feel totally cheated if I have a dream with my N ...

I never thought of it that way.lol Yeah, that is the reality of it.They steal alot from us! The thought of it makes me want to work more hard at having a good life to make up for lost time.