I had my head in the sand
I had my head in the sand
I will be the first to say that I am a Codependent. So those are ripe pickings for a Narcissist. It has been 9 months since the split with the Narc. Weekends are the hardest – it was the only time that we really had together. I am raising an 8 year old granddaughter, and between school and caring for her it was weekends were the only time we really had together. And the relationship went on for 16 years.
We met in 1998, I had just started a new job and he was there. He was married at the time, so we were just friends. He had two children from a previous marriage (2nd marriage - F). I was divorced raising two sons. There was a group of us and we would talk and all have lunch together. We did some shopping together too. I remember now how he used to say that he always told his wife what she would look good in – so he was telling her what to wear. Then in November 1998, Thanksgiving – he went to his family’s out of state, but did not go with his wife (3rd marriage –K) and her 2 children. Hmm – but not my business. The group continued to have lunch together and celebrate birthdays together during work hours. Nothing out of the ordinary. Then in the summer of 1999 he bought a house, moved out and divorced his wife (K). She lived just around the corner from him, and there were children involved so they still talked and saw each other. And the relationship with me started to change. Nothing overt, all covert. Innuendos, standing to close, etc. In December 23, 1999, we went out to dinner and to do some Christmas shopping, he started attacking me in his van, and I kept saying the first time will not be in a van. He finally relented and we went back to his house. His children were with his ex-wife, K. And that was the start of it all. My children were teenagers so I could leave them home alone.
I had been married 2 times, he had been married 3, so our running joke was that I had my house, he had his and it worked out well that way. People always asked why we never married. He never asked.
Things I look back on now that he did-
At the beginning of the relationship he accused me of fooling around on him. From what I understand some guys around the office were talking about my headlights. I did not wear padded bras and my nipples would show – that is how they saw them. Now really how was I to fool around on him when I had a house, two children and spent 3 or 4 nights a week at his house? It was never my house, always his.
We shaved his head and took a picture of him. I posted some of the photos around with the “Most Wanted” on it – he looked like a convict. He came stomping in my office and demanded that I take the photos down. He was so angry. So I took them down.
He told me that we had a conversation about moving in together. That we could rent a storage unit. Of course this conversation never happened. He also did this with his children. There were conversations between his daughter and him and she would day Dad I did tell you, he would say no you didn’t. I told his daughter to start putting a note on the refrigerator so he could not say that she never told him. (Gaslighting)
Every vacation we went on – was what he wanted to do. The last one is where it all ended and it was not pretty. But more on that later. A simple request by me that we go through Tim Horton’s drive thru as we neared it was ignored. When we were with his family – it was everything he wanted to do, and I was to tag along and be happy about it. I was just to be there, help his mom where I could and just be quiet. Don’t get me wrong I loved his family, but I was ignored by him.
We talked via phone every night after work and then at 9PM. And if I didn’t call he would get so bent out of shape, again thinking I was with someone else. When I was taking care of my grandchild. All about him.
I also remember that when we first started having sex he would say – I squirt like no other man, and he need affirmations that he was the best, that I had never had sex like he gave. But it was sex, not love. He never made love. He never said I love you; he never called me by name when we had sex.
One night I went to his house and he had been talking about a 3some with his ex-wife, K. I never agreed to it. But I got there and he started attacking me, took off my clothes and got me in bed. He was still fully clothed. And in walks K. He was holding me down and I was just saying let me up, let me up. He finally did. I grabbed my clothes went into the bathroom, dressed and left. K kept saying that she was leaving; I said no I was leaving. She told me later she only did it so she could keep him.
In December of 2011, we went to a Christmas party his company threw. He confessed something to me that he did to his daughter the night before. While we were at the party his daughter moved out of his house. She is finally talking to him again 4 years later. But everyone thought his daughter was lying – she wasn’t. And I feel bad, sorry that I did not leave him then, that I did not support and love her through it. She was the victim. I have told the story to my shrink; she called him a sexual predator.
He also told me all the time at the beginning that his stepdaughter was so hot (K’s daughter). He would go on and on about her.
Ex-wife 3 came over to his house one day, I was there and we were all on the back porch. I had accepted the fact that they were going to continue to be friends. But he said, I know how K loves to be f*ed in the ass. Now that is not something you would say to your girlfriend and ex-wife standing there together.
He loved to watch videos of women having sex with horses and dogs. He was so fascinated by that. Sick to me.
He loves to brag on himself too. You can see it when he meets someone new. He sits straighter; he puffs his chest up and just starts saying all he accomplished. Like rugby and all he did there (his best friend told me he sat on the side lines!). He is a big bicycle rider, 100 miles is nothing to him physically. So he says of yeah I did 100 miles, some grade, pulled others, lead the pack. It is a great accomplishment but not everyone cares and the story really did not need to run on and on. And it is the same stories over and over.
We also had a unspoken agreement that we would work on a project at his house one weekend, then my house the next. It really worked out fine and we did get a lot done that way. But we were digging bushes out of his yard. He was in and out of his house, I am digging and pulling the hedges out. It was misty ran all day, so I was covered with mud and sore. I did something wrong, he corrected me – but it was sooooo mean. I just cried. We were setting up for Halloween, again he had a plan and did not say what it was, so you go and try to help him and you do it wrong – he just says “fuck it” and goes inside the house. Leaving me and his daughter holding pieces of a tent, with tears in the eyes. We could never live up to his standards, and I think he believed we could anticipate all his needs/wants and desires. But you could not cry in front of him, tears were hidden, crying is a sign of weakness to him. So we all held it in, or cried in private. The emotional abuse we all went through with him.
Then not being there for me when I needed him. I had to have some female surgery – he knew and I drove myself to the hospital, made arrangements for my children to come after their work to get my car (I could not drive after it). I walked myself down to the OR with a nurse just crying. I was alone. The next day he did come to see me in the hospital. He started just to berate me, tell me how bad I was, how not worth it I was. But he knew I was being discharged that day – so really he was there so he could look like the knight in shining armor by bringing me home and getting me settled in. My mom was here from out of state to take care of me, he is so good at putting that persona out there. But he did make sure he went to my follow up appointment so that he could hear when he could have sex again.
Then a breast biopsy. I had never had one and of course it is a cancer scare. Again I went by myself. His reply after I got the ok results back – you worry about everything. About the same time his best friends wife was going through breast cancer – OMG, D has breast cancer. He always supported a fund raiser for breast cancer that was being run by one of his colleagues. But with me – he wasn’t there.
And then he had a wreck on his bike. It was dinner time and I had my kids, his kids and I think my dad here. He called me to come and get him. So I dropped everything and went to him. Instead of calling for an ambulance and going to the emergency room, which is where he really needed to go. He did finally go be seen by a doctor after he came to my home to show off his wounds.
One of his older daughters was getting married. He would not pay for her wedding unless he got to walk her down the aisle. He had not seen this daughter in I don’t know how many years. Her step father was more a dad to her than he was. He got his way; he walked her down the aisle.
Then for the disrespect in front of my family. We always had Sunday dinner together. My son and his family, my other son and the Narc. He would say things like “She will never move to Georgia” “I am looking for a job in Georgia” “ She would never do that” All putting words in my mouth without first asking me my opinion. I did not say anything then – I would not disrespect him in front of family. That is just not me.
So the end. We took our yearly vacation to Myrtle Beach. We met his oldest son and his family there every year and usually had a wonderful time. But again everything the Narc wanted to do. We usually had 4 adults and 4 or 5 children. The trip down sucked. We had 3 flats on the RV so we ended up getting in at 2 AM. So I told him that when we get up in the morning I would take the girls (granddaughters) to the pool and playground so that he could get the RV all set up. We were working together on things. He was done by the time we came back from the pool.
His son showed up that evening and we cooked out at the RV site. I was in the RV getting things ready, enjoying some wine. I walked out and looked, there is everyone gathered around the Narc and he was telling them something. They all turned and looked at me like they had been caught. So we had dinner, then I heard bitch with my name. Then a cellphone was shown around with a Facebook page on it, it was of a person at work that I did not get along with. He is showing everyone, shoving the phone in their face, to include mine. Needless to say, I did not sleep well that night.
We went to the beach the next day. He spent the day with his son and grandchildren. I sat on the beach fighting the wind and sand. He came by and I said “I am done with the beach, can we go back to the RV?” He said – you are not even wet, and ran off into the ocean to see the sharks that were there. His daughter-in-law heard and saw this – and just said “Men”. I was totally pissed. A bit later they came up to the hotel – that is where his son was staying and went up to their room. I stayed by the pool trying to calm down – and all the sudden I feel ice cold water. He had poured water from the 9th floor balcony on me. That was it. He came down we got into his truck and started back to the RV. He started to argue then, but I said I would not talk about it now – we had two grandchildren in the back seat. We got back to the RV, he said F* it we are packing up and leaving, I said that no I was leaving. He went and sulked in the bedroom as I was getting the granddaughter showered. Then I got on the phone called my son. While I was waiting for my ride, he took his granddaughter over to the hotel so she was not there. My granddaughter had fallen asleep. So I started packing our things. The first place to clear out was the bedroom, since he was gone. When he came back he went back to the bedroom. Then he walked out and said if you leave we are done. He then went to watch the fireworks for the 4th of July at the beach. I stayed at the RV. My son and his wife picked me up at 3 AM, 5 July.
I did send some flaming e-mails to my ex. I have told him he is a Narcissist and a predator. I have reached out to FLICKR to get photos down of my granddaughter and me. The Narc finally did it voluntarily after I sent him a copy of what FLICKR admin said. I told him that in my mind he is dead. He has shattered me. Sixteen years, and he just doesn’t even try to put it back together. But that is the way they are, isn’t it?
And since I called him a Narc he knows I am on to him. I have joined some support groups; have joined a church, all trying to get over him. And I was in tears this weekend once again. So in a way he is still controlling me. But I also have had a new peace come over me this weekend (10 April) so maybe the worst is over. He is getting ready to go on one of his bike rides this week and will be gone for 10 days. So, one stress out of the way. We work in the same building. He is on the 4th floor, me the basement. We used to run into each other once and awhile, but he is staying away. So I thank God for that. I also thank God for getting me out of it and getting my Granddaughter away from him.