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I have no one..I Hate Me

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#1 Apr 20 - 2PM
ImStrong
ImStrong's picture

I have no one..I Hate Me

Zero close friends..no friends at all...im down and I miss the narc numerously..ive emailed old narc before him because I was lonley..saying

Hey its Imstron.I just wanted to reach out to let you know I am embarrased of my behavior in the past and I didnt trully give you a chance..I have made a lot of corrections in my behavior and matured..im not about the drama..I really hope we can start a new friendship on a more friendly ground..i was dissapointed how everything went down..it felt as if I lost control and I do hate that..you are one of the most Talented professionals and I hope to speak with you again.

Xx

Why ..why the hell am I doing all these crazy crazy things..im to afraid to talk to thw recent narc..so I email the narc.before him who has hwnged up the phone on me when I told him I was pregnant and it might be his..hes hqs ignored me on twitter today and he blocked me on my old account..

I texted him and no answee..

What is wrong with me!

I hate who I am..

They all hate me and ignore me for months ..no one wants me..no one..im holding in so much pain..i feel like rotton year old shit..im done..i give up..

The person I dreamed of I cant be with ever..and its driving me up a wall..

I three narc all together giving me the silent treatmemt..ihnorong me..blocking me..saying they dont want me..ive lost control fully..im nuscent..im a problem..i hate who I am and wish I could be cool with them..like those girls are..these guys hate me and I dont blame them at all..

Apr 21 - 8AM
Epiphany
Epiphany's picture

Imstrong

I know exactly how you feel. I was/am very alone. If I hadnt cut everyone out because of him, they walked away because they could not watch what I was doing anymore. It's hard. I've been glued to this board for weeks and some wonderful people have reached out and probably literally saved my life. I have learned that I have nothing to be ashamed of and come to understand what happened to me. I no longer blame myself for being weak. I have weak moments in terms of no contact. Something will trigger me and I'll blast off an angry email. I know, my bad but I just cant help myself. I'm just not there yet in terms of not letting loose on him for all the abuse I've suffered at his hands. The other night I was watching a show that had a rape scene in it and I vomited, wiped my chin and emailed him about what loathsome creature he was. That he belonged in a cage or cell. Made me feel better. For now I'll go with the 'Shrek' method, better out than in. Be your own best friend. Be gentle with yourself. Trust what you feel. Bad feelings arent as nice as good ones but they're just feelings. You just want to be heard, validated and feel some peace. I want this asshole to crawl and would prefer I be the one standing on his back while he does it. Every day it gets a little bit better, a little easier. I've prayed so hard on the days I felt helpless. God don't make no junk hon. Big hugs.
Apr 21 - 4AM
Used
Used's picture

imstrong

what do you mean you have no one? you have us for starters, and we are a cool gang with plenty of answers, RIGHT! so thats for starters, now you know this is the after math of getting in touch with narc on fb, so what that you did, you can do what you want,are we not all liberated women?, depression is a terrible burden and takes you to places you dont want to go, you will come out of this, SO YOU DONT BLAME THE NARCS FOR HATING YOU?, oh come on now this is defeatist talk, not the talk i should be hearing from IMSTRONG, it will pass, this feeling will pass you will get all your power back,you have given it to these scumbags at the moment,CLAW IT BACK NOW, no more of this talk or negative thinking, please please come back[i sound like a narc lol] and its the beginning of easter and it can be a new beginning for youxx
Apr 20 - 9PM
kgirl
kgirl's picture

I'm so sorry you are hurting

I'm so sorry you are hurting so badly. Listen to TLSM and dudette! Are you in therapy?...it just sounds like maybe you could use some additional help right now. Sending you a big comforting hug ~KG
Apr 20 - 7PM
kizzy72
kizzy72's picture

Hugs :::

Just giving you a big ole cyber hug, cause I know how you feel.
Apr 20 - 3PM
dudette
dudette's picture

OK breathe and get a grip girl

OK Imstrong... big hugs to you and now breathe... First of all, they are reacting to the kind of supply you are giving them.... Mainly because they are disordered but the supply you are feeding them right now is not worth their replying to. What you are doing is feeding them the power to ignore you, by making contact in a way that reads either as desperate or too much like negative supply..... why would they choose to respond when it is much easier for the cowards to ignore? You have to get a grip lady! Sleep on it for a couple of days and regroup.... You know how crazy people make you crazy? Right so - you're not crazy. However, too much exposure to narcs makes you behave in this crazy way and think those thoughts.... I had a feeling after your elation at the FB conversation last week that you might come crashing down and I guess I was right....still on the roller coaster.... Back to NC lady... your dignity rides on this one.... You are not defined by this Imstrong, there is more to you than being the ex of some narcs.... You will need to give it time and find YOU ! when you can accept yourself then you will find that people wil come your way again.... Take it easy lady.... Much love to you x
Apr 20 - 3PM (Reply to #7)
TLSM
TLSM's picture

Dudette and Imstrong

First of all, Dudette...You are always so kind and loving with your advice...You've helped me, too. Imstrong!!! I get how you feel!!! IT'S THE WORST!!! Do you know how many times I have made a COMPLETE ass out of myself with the ex Freak??? OMG. You all would be so appalled. I BEGGED for him after I initially dumped him, then panicked and begged and begged and begged...And he TOTALLY BLEW ME OFF. Wants NOTHING to with me AND THANK GOD FOR THAT. I completely beat myself up and felt like a pathetic fool. But you know what???? FUCK THEM! They MESSED WITH OUR HEADS!!! WE WERE/ARE NOT IN OUR RIGHT MINDS! WE WERE CONNED!!! They are MAKING US CRAZY!!! THEIR BEHAVIOR IS BROKEN!!! THEY ARE EVIL. THIS IS WHAT THEY WANT!!! Do not let these PIG ASSES get to you!!! They friggin' blew it. You will get 1 million times the man!!! It will take time because you need to heal. I need to heal, too. We all do. These Narcs ARE DEPLORABLE HUMAN BEINGS. Lets have a love affair with ourselves. I too have lost some friends because I isolated myself. My family is small and I am not close with them. My therapist told me now is the perfect time to find NEW friends -a new support system. It's happening slowly because I work so much and it's hard because most people are married or in relationships. But there are support groups, like abuse support groups to meet others, too. What has helped me at night OR day is reading before bed or during the day. NO love stories. I am reading 3rd book on "The Girl With The Dragon Tatoo". Those books have saved me. The girl character in it -Salander KICKS ASS!!! Please don't leave! I honestly believe that IdealK was trying to make you laugh. It made me laugh (at myself) cause I have the worse PMS EVER. I think she was trying to "switch gears" in your head. STAY ON THIS BOARD!!! And BTW...Michele115 and Staying Strong 78 have saved me BIG TIME. You can Private Message Michele and she will help you. She has the patience of a saint, I swear. Much love to you. xoxo You will BE OK!!!
Apr 20 - 7PM (Reply to #9)
Sanity Check
Sanity Check's picture

Salander

We all need to be more like Lisbeth....kick some N ass big time!
Apr 20 - 8PM (Reply to #10)
TLSM
TLSM's picture

YEAH!

Let's sick her on our Narcs! Where was she when I needed to hack into my ex's email???
Apr 20 - 4PM (Reply to #8)
dudette
dudette's picture

IM strong and TSLM

This should be a jump in the car moment but I guess that online will have to do so stick with us.... Imstrong please do not leave.... in our individual ways we are all trying to help.... bearing in mind that we are all a bit up and down like bloody yo yos as well....sometimes well, it does not read like it should....( as I have found out myself a bit lately...) However honey, what we are all trying to say is this... You have to stop engaging with the Narc world and retreat... A bot of atonement does a lot of good ( being at one with oneself?) - that also means being alone. I personally retreated massively, using lent as an excuse....saw no-one, did the minimum...spent all my energies sleeping, doing NC and functioning at work etc.... so what if you hibernate a little? Might do you good, look inward. For me it has made a whole lot of difference. More importantly, I have valued my personal dignity above my wish to see the N. and it hurt, like hell on earth with a brave face on it, but I have fought this battle and winning it, you know why? Cos I am better than him! YOU are better than them and YOU know that!!! But in the short-term, know that we all care about you honey and if we could be here with you, we would.... Get yourself some proper rest honey, turn off the phones and the computer. Delete the bloody social networking accounts, get away from the drama and fall off the face of the earth.... Lots of love Dx
Apr 20 - 3PM
SoaperGirl
SoaperGirl's picture

I have one word for you

THERAPY! Get into it immediately!
Apr 20 - 3PM
Sanity Check
Sanity Check's picture

Keep talking to us....

you are in a very bad place right now. Breathe.....
Apr 20 - 2PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

OMG! Do you have your period?

OMG! Do you have your period? Girl stop! PM Idealk
Apr 20 - 3PM (Reply to #2)
ImStrong
ImStrong's picture

Its cool..im leaving..

Its cool..im leaving..

"In the fiery pit lays a man with two faces.One is the face of a God and the other a face of the Devil.Beware He lurks your souls.Keep one hand on your heart and the other hand over your eyes. Let him walk pass you not into you.Ghost of love will possess

Apr 20 - 3PM (Reply to #3)
Veronrose
Veronrose's picture

Imstrong, Please don't go

Imstrong, Please don't go anywhere. Everyone is here for you. You are in a bad place right now and I, for one, am a bit concerned for you. (((HUGS))) V.