I have officially gone coo-coo for coco puffs! I admit defeat! I need help!

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Miss Lewis
Miss Lewis's picture
I have officially gone coo-coo for coco puffs! I admit defeat! I need help!

Relapsed again
The first time I’d changed my number, I was bed ridden and I contacted him a week later. Everything went smoothly for 1 whole month before he severely devalued me, called me every name in the book and claimed I was undesirable for two whole days before I changed my number for the second time.
I felt too ashamed to post earlier! I had changed my number a month ago. He pestered me with phone calls at work with promises of an engagement ring, counseling, working on the relationship.
He said he was suicidal over me. I caved! What the hell is wrong with me! I was in denial. I thought maybe he just had Narc tendencies, maybe there was hope.
He lived with his family, they said he claimed to be serious and love me. He kept talking marriage one day, than start a ridiculous fight the next day, than blame me for being emotional over his abuse, than threaten to abandon me all over again.
He works as a truck driver and is out of town 6 days out of the week, in town for only a few more. He’d call me on his trip, state that he missed me daily, than when he came back to town, he is on his way over and we would get into a vicious fight over the phone, he’d threaten to destroy me! These fights usually happened when I’d try to communicate with him and seek reassurance about our relationship.
The fights would take place the whole drive over to my house, he’d threaten to break up with me and say he’d changed his mind, he was going to turn around and drive home. This lead to me bagging for him to see me ( I was love starved after 1 week on no contact). I knew he was playing a sick game, I told myself I needed to detach, but I still reacted emotionally-very powerfully, each and every time. Then for the next few days he would turn off his phone and be available.
He would eventually show up at my place and I would be sobbing and shaking. He would kiss me and act like nothing happned. This last time (I sware I am not a violent person!) I was sobbing and screaming in pain, he stood back, detached emotionally, and started cracking up laughing. After a build up of three years of abuse, I lost it! I punched him in the ear! Hard! I am a small woman, but still, I felt disgusted with my behavior, and although his behavior was disgusting, I should not stoop to his level of ugliness , but I did! I was losing my mind and turning into him!
He called me abusive, psycho, broke up with me and threatened to call the cops and than showed up at my house an hour later, all lovey dovey.

Throughout this time there was strong evidence leading to the fact that he was having a sexual fling with a man, I am not entirely certain, but my intuition was screaming that this was so after the mounting evidence was building up. He would also make wise cracks about bi-sexuality.
Last night he was out with so-called mystery lover boy, who he always kept hidden from me and got defensive when I mentioned his name. He told his parents he was with me! I called his cell several times, and he would not answer. I did not sleep a wink all night! I became so obsessive and crazy, I texted his boy toy ( I snuck into his phone and got his number) and informed him what my Narc told me he really thought of him ( a weak person, didn’t give a damn about him, was never going to talk to him again).
Why oh why did I go psycho??!!! It is a case of temporary insanity because I have good relationships with the rest of the universe!
Anyhow, I phoned his house this morning and told his father that this whole deal about “T” wanting to be in a serious, committed relationship was a lie! I told his father that it would be best if he changed “T”s number, I would change mine, and move on with our lives. (His father pays his phonebill, insurance, you name it!).
I called “T” and he finally answered. He told me this wasn’t going to work out, he would change his number, and I should go looking for that soulmate I have been searching for. He lied again and stated that he was home all night. I demanded to know the truth once and for all about who he has been sneaking around with. His response to his “GF” of three years? It’s none of your business. Fuck off and don’t call me again or I am calling the police!
Wow! I would be greatly relieved if he does go through with changing his number, but I understand that I will have to deal with an avalanche of pain in the aftershock. I will change mine for good measures.
I have to ask, ladies, have you gone temporarily insane in the aftermath of the fallout of the relationship with your Narc? Did you feel crazy and act totally out of character!
If anyone could read my story (My encounter with a Narcisst), I need to break through the denial, was he a Narc?!!! Or am I nuts??!!
You will get acquainted with me in the near future because I will be spending a lot of time on this forum, I need it! Thanks so much!

Deidre40
Deidre40's picture
He's a bad guy. And nothing
He's a bad guy. And nothing about this story, shows a loving man for you. You know, I have very normal, well adjusted healthy male friends. One contacted me today. No agendas. No weirdness. Just ''hey dee, how are you?'' ''How is your day?'' ''How are you feeling?'' ''Are you ok?'' I started thinking about that. How if someone makes you feel crazy on a daily basis...most likely he/she is crazy, and they want company. lol I don't want crazy in my life. I don't want drama...and yelling...and fighting...and worrying...and begging...and pleading...and me apologizing over and over...and silent treatment...and being hung up on...and wondering if he's cheating...and thinking I suck... We deserve better. Let your narc find the man or the woman of his dreams...and you start working on healing...and building your own life. You truly deserve better than this abusive asshole.
Miss Lewis
Miss Lewis's picture
Deidre40
I know, Deidre40, I expose my self to normal men who are platonic friends, and I am like, wow, how refreshing this is so nice! This is how it should be! I am starving for Normalicy and human contact, you know, with REAL humans who have a full range of emotions. It is nice to have healthy male friends who remind us of what Normal is! Yes, Deirdre, I need to focus on healing, he can go on with his never ending quest of seeking perfection in th eperfect man/woman ( I beleive his ideal soulmate would be a blow up doll!). Yes, misery loves company. I think the most important part of healing is re-discovering what nomal looks like and experiencing positive energy gain, it's amazing how we forget! (HUGS TO YOU TOO!!!).
Hunter
Hunter's picture
Miss Lewis
Sounds Like Paradise to me. Why would you want to lose this? Miss Lewis, You have been on here for a while, How are you going to take charge of you? Let it go and figure out who Miss Lewis is. Are you working on you or are you working on trying to make heads or tales of this Psycho? Only you can fix this problem. Every time you go back two things happen, you get more depressed and he devalues you even worse than the time before. Now I ask, what are your plans to change this pattern? Idealk
Steph
Steph's picture
Welcome back although I'm
Welcome back although I'm sorry for the circumstances that brought you here:( I'm glad you posted....don't ever feel ashamed to post here...this is a safe place to vent and gain support by people that understand the mind fuck that you have been through. I have not found your story yet, but several things you have written here are clearly emotionally abusive. The push you away and pull you in....classic. The silent treatment, the lies, cheating etc. Him calling YOU abusive and psycho....total projection. You ask if any of us had done things "out of character" and acted "crazy". YES. The fact that you were crying and he stood back, detatched, and then laughed at you is sick. He clearly has no empathy. He is sick. YOu know what, I slapped my exN on the chest and called him an SOB....the first time I had ever called him a name....and then I felt like I was the abusive one lol. Like you, I slapped him once because I had reached my emotional limit from his abuse and I snapped. That made me feel abusive. I called him a name and I slapped his chest. I too, am not a big person....at about 110 lbs and him at 220lbs. lol. Hitting him and name calling, was out of character for me. During one "fight" that really wasn't a fight in that I wasn't yelling, I was crying and wanting to talk....he flipped on me ( I thought he was drugs) and then he called the police on me. FOR NOTHING. He called the police on me for the second time.....when I hit his chest. I was mindfucked beyond belief. Anyways, I am sharing with this you because I want you to know, I understand. You REACTED to his abuse....you are not the abuser. BIG DIFFERENCE. Hang in there, get into therapy if you haven't already and please maintain NC. It's the only way out of the fog and back to normal land. Stay strong!
Miss Lewis
Miss Lewis's picture
Thank-you, Staying Strong!
It is very therapeutic to be validated in the sense that I am not alone! What a wuss! He called the police on you?! Mine was afraid of the police, lol. I relate to the statement you made about him flipping and thinking as if he was on drugs. My ex Narc also flipped many times, so strange. He would become very cold and his eyes would change, you know, those black, vacant shark eyes! He became a stranger. Thank-you for reassuring me about his Narc Qualities, he certainly has many. I could write a novel on examples. I agree, I reacted to his abuse. I also felt guilty for hitting him, like I was the abusive one. I don't like that fact that someone can have that affect on me and bring out the worst in me. A healthy relationship should bring out the best in a person. I changed my number yesterday for the third time. I felt empowered. Today, I feel a flood of emotions. I am grieving for the loss of something that never was. I am angry about the time that I wasted (3 years) on this empty, useless creature. I am hurt that people like this exist and I am dreading the recovery process, yet, I am also feeling slightly liberated, as if a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I am still reeling at the shock of how crazy his behavior was! It’s shocking! I am no longer a crazy man’s sex slave!!!! Yipeeeeeeee! I have alot of validation from the world that I am loveable. I get alot of satisfaction doing the work that I do. I work in Mental Health. I train people. I am on good terms with ex boyfriends. My specialty is getting along with difficult people so I am sure that if he cannot get along with me, he will not have much success with others. Like most Narcs, he has no close long-term friendships and unlike other Narcs, he has no contact with past ex's, guess he caused too much damage. I think that I may be desensitized to "craziness" do to my childhood and the line of work that I do. I am 1 hundred percent certain that I do not love him. He disgusts me! He is filled with hatred, rage, he is racist and a total misogynist! I am trying to figure out why I was addicted to such a loser?!! I can see now that he had a deeper affect on me than I realize. I thought I was stronger. He had slowly brainwashed me and he was slowly chipping away at my self-esteem. I was depressed because I knew he was bad, I knew I was living a lie. Reading this forum on a regular basis helped prepare me for the inevitable-the final ending. I want to continue to read and contribute but I don't want to stay for too long. I don't want to focus on him too much or give him any more space in my head-he already took too much. I just need to heal! I want to go inwards, figure out why I stay in bad relationships too long, give too much, why am I afraid to face loneliness, take responsibility for my life, or basically just live life, period! I am giving myself 3 months of no contact before I start living life again to the fullest. I am giving myself a timeline and I will do whatever it takes! I thank all of you for your strength, wisdom, compassion and kindness! Stay strong!
Steph
Steph's picture
You are very welcome! I'm
You are very welcome! I'm glad you feel validated. I think you and I have a lot in common, from what I read:) Our N's sound very similar too, well, I guess they all do lol I totally know what you mean about that look in the eyes they get when they rage....it's cold and frightening. Mine went beat red in the face and was foaming at the mouth. I too, work in a helping profession....I'm a nurse....so I know what you mean about that too and that definately contributes to why we got sucked in for sure. I read a really great book online that helped me understand why I was involved in this, why I stayed, etc. it really helped put things in perspective for me. It reiterates that it can happen to anyone, but also describes the traits of woman that get involved with these people.....and it has nothing to do with low self esteem or not loving ourselves etc.I'll send a link to the book in a PM....it may help you too:) hang in there Miss Lewis!
Miss Lewis
Miss Lewis's picture
Almost paradise!
Thanks, Staying Strong, I would love the title to that book! I will try to find your story and compare notes:). IdealK9; I love your short, direct, to the point wisdom! I am a fan of "tough love" or I’d prefer to call it a reality cheque:). You are right, What is my plan? That's the tough part! I will be in paradise once I get through this greiving process/detox. I was living in hell and I escaped, so it can only get better, right?! I was not living! I was a scary, obsessed Zombie constantly fixated on HIM! That was my (non existent) life! I stopped contacting friends, I stopped pursuing my hobbies, I stopped living, always a nervous wreck! Yet, I know I am stronger than he is. You are right, I don't need to waste alot of time making heads or tails of a psycho, lol, well put! I need to rebuild my life, pursue hobbies, restore my energy! Focus on me, wow, what a daunting task! I noticed that every time I change my number the sun comes out, I am not kidding! Also, people from my past re-appear and new people enter. The universe is telling me that I am going in the right direction! Wow, what a trip! Feels like a horror movie that just ended! Just before I changed my number, during the last conversation we had he said sarcastically, "Now you can find that soul mate you were searching for". Phew! Thanks, Psycho, now I have a decent shot at meeting him in the future! Good riddance!!!!!I am free!!!!! Thanks, ladies, for your thoughtful responses! Every bit helps!!
Hunter
Hunter's picture
Miss Lewis
You need to fight. Yes ,the sun rises and sets every day. This dude operates like the sun. Same old same old, You deserve better, Fight or you will be stuck. Sometimes its hard but look thru the clouds. Call me, Yell at me, anything you need to do to stay away from this creature. I can take it. I can yell back too and I wont tell you any lies. In time I promise you will be ok, the first steps are the hardest. He knows when you feel better and will try to bust you up. So far he's been succeeding. Stop it now, Only you can control this situation. Put a plan in place. I have ADD I need to make lists to get my projects done. Put together a Narc list. One with Pro's and Con's and one as to what you will do if he contacts you. Idealk
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture
Even that sentence...''you
Even that sentence...''you can find the soulmate you're searching for now.'' That sentence was designed for you to then say...''ooohhh, i thought YOU were my soulmate.'' I have heard this line, too. It's scary...they all say the same things!!! Except he said it like...''you're a good looking woman, now you can find another man to replace me.'' Might have been the first time he was being honest. :D {{{HUGS}}} I know you will come out of this better. I am in the middle stages, too. It's hard. But, we can do this. :=)
Hunter
Hunter's picture
Soulmate
I think Soulmate should be left for Hollywood. Life is a lot harder than a 2 hour happy ending movie. A relationship is a lot of hard work and it takes two and much give and take. I think the Narc takes up away from reality, that's why we get hooked. Just my 2 cents Idealk
Miss Lewis
Miss Lewis's picture
Soulmate garbage
Thanks you Deirdre, for the compliment, we are all beautiful! We cannot forget that! Yes, relationships take hard work! We can't fall for make believe fairy tales. * Remember* the number one sign that you may be dating a Narc is that if feels like a fairytale, too good to be true, he sweeps you off of your feet! That is not a good sign! I know that now. Yes, IdealK9, you are right, he has a psychic sense of when I am getting better and that's when he strikes, I will write that pro/con list/back up plan ASAP! One day I may take you up on your offer to yell at you, lol. Thanks guys!
Hunter
Hunter's picture
Miss Lewis
Can you help with my typing. It really sucks. :)
Steph
Steph's picture
ideal...
"I think Soulmate should be left for Hollywood. Life is a lot harder than a 2 hour happy ending movie" love it and totally agree!