I just wont be that person

I remember Friday. I turned on my Blackberry and there was an email to my old email address from him. I didnt even have to open it, I started shaking and felt like I wanted to puke. I sat in my car and felt like I just wanted to expire. That's when I prayed so hard. I read his email, finished my day, came home, sat down and typed the rawest, most honest email to him I think I'd ever written. I do not expect a feeling from him, an apology or even a response. I was me. I didnt just say I forgive him, I felt it. It was a gift I gave myself. I felt so much hatred just leave me. For me to keep being angry, hateful, threatening and vile is taking way too much of my energy. Screw him. I do feel sorry for him and not in a way that makes me want to keep loving him but in a way that it would suck to just be him. So my kindness gets me occassionally taken advantage of and used by not just the narc but others. Shame on them, not shame on me. I'm tired of feeling bad about it. I can sleep at night knowing I gave the homeless guy a $20 or borrowed someone I thought was a friend $100 and never got it back and knew my children were manipulating me for a few bucks, not to mention the disaster of being totally economically manipulated out of every nickle I had by the narc and then left without a slice of bread. I did nothing wrong but be naive. There are worse things. No, I don't want to be a doormat or used but I'd rather forgive and gently protect myself than give up that part of me that makes me feel good. Selfless. He does not deserve my kindness. The narc has been gone 4 weeks and it's the first time in 8 months I've had money in the bank again. My bills are paid, I bought myself some perfume and a streaming video player I've wanted forever! There's no food left in my fridge that was what he liked and I dumped the 2 cards he gave me in 3 years cleaning that drawer this morning. I slept better than I have in months this whole weekend. Yesterday was a grief day, not crying just resting. Today I've already done more than I've done in a month. It's starting to see the positives of him being gone. Sure my heart still hurts but it beats the shit out of the constant worry when he was in my life. I was always worried. Worried about being left, worried cuz I spent my last dime to make him happy, worried because I was not dealing with the other aspects of my life that needed attention......worry never left. I'm so not used to feeling good about anything that it's hard to trust it but today I'm going to try.