I know it's wrong but I still have twisted hope :(

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#1 Dec 11 - 7PM
AlxRam
AlxRam's picture

I know it's wrong but I still have twisted hope :(

Hello :) This is my first post here but I'm pretty sure I've read every article on this site. I can't thank you enough for providing these resources for those of us trying to make sense of the senseless.

I met my NDP girlfriend on a dating site and we were together for 9 months total. The romance moved very quickly in the first few months. She made me believe I was the best boyfriend she'd ever had. She was constantly saying "I love that about you" and promising me the world. Her dad was rich and I had business debts. She promised we would start a new business together that would take care of my debts (her idea). She plugged right into who I was.

Then 3 months in things started to slide. At first we would fight every second weekend. Then every weekend. Always about how I wasn't "responsible" enough, even though I was working day and night on my job and business. She called every day and interrogated me about how and why I was doing things. Then we went camping and she got drunk and threatened to throw herself from the moving car while screaming what a loser I was.

At that point I said we couldn't go on until we went to counselling. She agreed. We went to one session and everything went ok for a few weeks. Then the insults started again and worse. No-win situations. Gaslighting. Bike rides with exes, etc. Every promise was broken. Finally she exploded at me while drunk at a party. I left devastated and we broke up the next morning.

A week later I started missing her and decided there were things I could have done better to make her happy. I called her and admitted my faults and we agreed to get back together. She said she thought I was a lost cause and was glad to hear I'd matured and came around to her way of seeing things.

HUGE MISTAKE. For the next month she treated me like I was on probation and not really her boyfriend. During the last week she was basically screaming at me non-stop (when she did talk to me). Things like "all you do is d*ck around getting your haircut and going to the dentist" (which I'll admit I did do that day). I kept saying sorry and trying to make it work until she finally had a meltdown and stormed off. She called me later that night drunk and slurred "I'm sorry you couldn't grow up" and hung up.

At that point I accepted it was over. 9 days later she texted to apologize, except her apology basically said "I'm sorry for not acting with grace, but I was stressed out trying to make things work with you. I loved you with all my heart and always will" and "You're a wonderful guy just the way you are, I'm sure you'll find someone who's on board with the way you want to live your life". I responded that there was "no excuse for her behaviour, that I had loved her as best I could, no one is perfect, no hard feelings". She said "I was just trying to apologize, fine I'll never contact you again".

It's been 2 1/2 weeks since the texting, and a full month now since she stormed off. I've been in therapy every week and am feeling better slowly.

Problem is, even though I know it was messed up, I can't stop fantasizing about what I'll say if she's contacts me again. Non-stop conversations in my head and dreams about it. I keep wondering if she will contact me or not, and the stories on here give me some twisted hope that she will return as people say they always do. I haven't reached out to her at all.

Why am I hoping for her to call me? I have a good feeling she won't as she's so high on herself (personal trainer), and she is very attractive and charming so she'll easily find another. I fantasize about her actually being sorry and listening to my pain. The truth is it wouldn't work anyways. I know it's not healthy to obsess like this. Any tips on making my heart not want her anymore? It's exhausting.

Apr 18 - 12PM
Domo
Domo's picture

Don't settle

Dec 16 - 11AM
Payitforward
Payitforward's picture

Too true ds

Dec 16 - 11AM
Done sourcing
Done sourcing's picture

If she returns, it won't be a

Dec 15 - 4PM
Payitforward
Payitforward's picture

Normal at the beginning

Dec 11 - 11PM
Jonr84
Jonr84's picture

We're going through the same

Dec 12 - 10AM (Reply to #2)
AlxRam
AlxRam's picture

Everything reminds me...

Dec 31 - 1PM (Reply to #5)
NPD Survivor
NPD Survivor's picture

Reality check time

Dec 12 - 7PM (Reply to #3)
Jonr84
Jonr84's picture

Same thing here

Dec 31 - 6PM (Reply to #4)
Krammer
Krammer's picture

Normal . . .