I married the N twice

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#1 Jul 9 - 11AM
lmustang89
lmustang89's picture

I married the N twice

I am so happy I read the book and read your stories here. Of course I wish I had read all of this sooner.

What I have learned so far is that I am the giver, the caring, sensitive person. That my mother is a "n", husband #1 is passive aggressive, husband #2 & #4 (same person) is a "n" and husband #3 a drunk, druggie. That I was willing to settle for less that what I deserved, afraid if I didn't grab their marriage proposals no one would offer.

Starting at the beginning for some history, my mother. She has married 6 or 7 times, forgot how many times (I am/was repeating her pattern). My mom and dad were married for 12 years before my mom divorced him, he was a gambler, cheated and an alcoholic who died at age 38 and I was 17. After that, she dated many, married most lol and I always felt like an inconvenience.
*Mother (my anger term for her) would call me fat, selfish, clumsy, tell me I would never be as pretty as her
*I peed once while playing outside & I was 5, she put a diaper on me and made me sit on the porch (I asked her years later why and she said it was my dad's idea and laughed)
*My brother fell off his tricycle while we played (I was 4 or 5), needed stitches and I got screamed at -telling me it was my fault for not watching him
*I lost a tooth when my mom smacked me hard against the face for something (I was 6)
*She gave up my youngest brother for adoption -told me years later he was autistic (my aunt said no and that she would leave him alone in crib and he was withdrawn). Remembered going to a place with bunkbeds and a wagon and we left him there. My mother always doted on the other brother who was not a "problem" child like me (he was a 1.5 years younger, the brother given up was 4 years younger than me). I was haunted about my younger brother and made it my mission to find him when I turned 18, took me 18 years but I did, find out he was a thief (stole our money), immature, went thru 20+ jobs in the 2 years after I found him and reminds me of our mother.
*Mother was worried when I found him that I would talk bad and wanted to know what I would say-I said the truth, that he had it better being given up for adoption
*I was grounded for every fraction imaginable: Overfed the goldfish by mistake, cut the grass the wrong way-do it again, didn't weed good enough, wrote about mother in my diary that she bought me, didn't clean my already spotless room, got my haircut at the mall with my own money (she was to cut my hair that was hideous, ugly child but she thought it looked great-maybe so that I wouldn't look as good as her) People always said we looked like sisters (she was very pretty)
*Selfish because I didn't ask how her dr apt went (she was a hyperchrondiac), didn't ask how she was feeling
*Mother always took my birthday money, never benefited from child support (she would buy me clothes that didn't fit, were too short) and I would be bullied at school for that and for always being the new kid-she married often and always had to move with the divorce. She took my $$ I saved for a cars with jobs I worked, babysitting money. She opened the account for me so she had access and I was under 18. I was devastated (she said I couldn't get my license anyways and I owed her for everything she has done for me and would pay me back)
*ALWAYS made promises that she never kept, if I was good, she would take me to the zoo, to the carnival (but because I was "bad", I had to sit in the car while she went shopping at a strip mall with the carnival in the parking lot)
*Would tell me not to post news on facebook (she doesn't have an account but wants to tell everyone herself), tell me what to say to relatives (and only tell her)-so she could spread the news. Didn't like when I told her she was living over her means. She filed bk twice now. Her poor 70 year old husband in ill health can no longer work. She is always depressed, sick, poor me all the time (her)
*I have gone 2-3 years without contact with her -emotionally draining to talk to her. I am of no use when I don't have endless sympathy or money to give her. Always made me feel guilty. Last 2 years give her $10k+ (took bonus money without taxes -owe IRS that I pay on) for rent, jeep payment (nicer than my car), bought her new tv, phone, answering machine, recyliner, dresser, matress, gift cards, tickets to see Neil Diamond with her husband and a taxi to get them there - because she never saw him, needed this stuff. Hinted at perfume she liked (bought it), she wants a laptop-forget it. With therapist, she told me I was not obligated to give her $$. After several times of saying no to giving her $$ (my brother doesn't speak to her because of her asking him & him saying no) she no longer talks to me.
****I met #1 husband thru friends at 17, he was 20, married at 18 and had son #1 at 19, son #2 at 21. #1 husband was unemotional like his family and a work acohlic, never home. I worked, took care of 2 kids, cut the 1 acre + with a crappy mower, took garbage out, paid bills, coached kids in sports etc. Said I couldn't buy anything unless he ok'd it, always said yes to lingerie-wasn't interested was always tired from doing stuff. Tried counseling didn't work & divorced after 16 years (and he is a cop)
****Met #2 when I moved out from #1 thru my mother. I discovered thru all of this reading, he is a "N". He wasn't good looking but not ugly, he was INTENSE and after being with #1 who was unemotional, this was exciting
* #2 was so caring, loving, emotional, loved to shop, acted like a "man" opened doors, defended me
* N didn't have high sex drive vs #1, he would say his job is physical and heat in shop was draining, he would say that he thought I liked to cuddle as #1 always wanted sex
* We got married 4 mos after my divorce was final
* At wedding which I paid for with my divorce settlement, he spent the night at the bar drinking & his friends would say what does she see in him, he didn't want sex that night but I shamed him into it
*We bought a mobile home (nice one) -using my credit, he had none or what he had was not good.
*N would constantly say their would never be a divorce and he owned me, bought and paid for (even though I paid for everything
*He wanted a truck (he never had a new vehicle he said)-bought him that with credit in my name, always wanted something (seemed to go in cycles depression, sulk then happy when he got something). Wanted a camper, a Jimmy (vs Ford explorer), a motorcycle, which he got all with my help and credit. Perfect credit prior to meeting him and went down the tubes.
*He wanted a child, his first wife, cheated on him he said and he caught her in the act (he went to jail he said because he beat the guy up) & found out the 1 year old he thought was his (child's name was Zachary) wasn't, never validated that one to find out if true but figured it wasn't. I had had my tubes ties in my 20s but looked into IVF, #2's mom paid for some and rest went on charge cards and eventually filed bankruptcy while I was pg with our son. N continued to get credit cards after the bankruptcy (he didn't care if he couldn't pay his debt, you can't beat blood out of a turnip he would say)
*Several times I left and he would sweet talk me back (he had anger issues, lied, etc)
*Always about him, always a victim. Even when I went into labor a month early with our son, he was supposed to go fishing and I told him to go that I didn't know how long it would be before I went into the hospital. I ended up having to drive myself to the hospital, he enjoyed saying that he had to boat across the lake and zoom on his motorcycle to the hospital, it was about him not me having a baby (I was 36 when I get pg thru IVF and had our son at 37)-he gave me shots and used the wrong needle once, cause a huge bruise on rear end - but it was about him & how funny that was (meanwhile I still worked and went back to work after having our son 2 mos later)
*Would yell in anger at our son at 18 mos old that he should know better (oh and he wanted to name our son the same name as his ex named what he thought was their child)
*Would want to know where I went, why it took so long, was jealous, insecure, immature etc
*I divorced him when our son was 4yrs. I was worried due to his constant bouts of anger.
*After divorce the GMC Jimmy he had to have, I have it to him with the big payment, a month later he took the vehicle and parked it at a corner & marked it for sale, said him and our son walked back to his place (I doubt it, he didn't do anything physical) and it was stolen 2 days later. Police called me, told them what I knew, vehicle found a month later stripped & insurance wouldn't pay off (insurance fraud), years later he asked why I didn't pay that off (collection over $9k)-omg really, you committed fraud and wanted me to pay it off. I was trying to get my credit in order
*He is tit for tat, whatever I had for our son (a bike, sandbox etc) he had to get it
*Me -----Uggggh I dated some guys and then went on Eharmony, met a guy, thought he was it, married him within a few months and then divorced him 6 mos later -he was a hidden alcoholic which I found out, liar and druggie
***#2 knew I was single again (even though he bad mouthed me to everyone and invited my mother and her husband to his place several times (of course she agreed with him) He courted me again, said he changed, was responsible, loved me etc
*took us to Florida and on a cruise - he later told people he worked extra and took us *(wrong)!
**Married N again (but figured I had security (was laid off) if anything happened to him, would get more SS income for our son than if single.
*Rages and anger continued over trivial things, I bought a goldfish for our son, he reduced our son to tears with screaming and rages would last half hour-45 mins each time. Cycle always the same (and our son is doing this now at age 10) Rage, anger, calm down, then apologize profusely promising not to do it again
*Smacked our son against head for not answering his homework correctly. N said he barely got thru school, had A.D.D. (but thinks our son, who has had several ped drs evaluate and teachers confirm our son has A D D -thinks nothing is wrong with him and I am medicating our son for no reason)
*N has no patience and ALWAYS states both our son and I are pushing his buttons
*N name called, calling me a cunt (I hate that word and rarely swear), would tell me to shut my hole (which our son told our neighbor's kids to shut their hole, referenced our neighbor's that N didn't like as wenches-told him we don't talk like that)
*N feels he is entitled, he is superior, he exaggerated everything, lies, is the laziest slob I ever came across, makes derog comments about everyone, doesn't respect his own mother, judgmental, always patting himself on the back, would always ask why I don't compliment him or brag about how wonderful of a husband he is on facebook (because he isn't), would tell me he doesn't like my hair cut or clothes I was wearing, would always twist my words around, told me I was making something over nothing, that I was Miss Perfect, Goody Two Shoes
*Filed for divorce this past Sept 2012. Explosions increased to him upset because I told our son we were divorcing for the 2nd time (he wanted to wait till after one more xmas with us as a family, his therapist (same therapist as our son's) said you are no longer a family. N was supposed to continue therapy with my agreeing to pay $75 for each visit (I make 4xs what he does)-hasn't gone back. Explosion because I found a new sitter for our son (vs having him watched by the next door neighbor girl that watches our friend's daughter's (where N drinks and spends most of his time at). I wanted more stability for our son and our sitter, 21 years old going to college to be a teacher, is calm, helps with homework, takes him to horseback ride on her horse
*N wouldn't move out, was told by his attorney he could stay till the end and BOY did he. What I survived that? lol. It was horrible. For a month after I filed he acted like the perfect husband, perfect father. Quit drinking with neighbor for a whole month. Accused me of cheating (reason I was divorcing him he said). Told me I wouldn't take son from him (I had no intention of that, besides was told he would have had to commit a felony or be mental for that to come true)
*Found my bank statement (new account I opened in my name only prior to filing to get my ducks in a row) and attorney billing in N's dresser. Had locked SS cards, passports etc in our safe -he didn't have the key
*Had to put passwords on phone, computer etc.
*Played his game and checked his phone texts, his attorney (not professional, was his boss's attorney, minimal experience, one you find in yellow pages -jack of all trades), she was telling him I was a cunt, a bitch, they would get me for everything, he would get $1200/mo alimony (yes he worked, tow truck driver $13.50 hr and even asked once if he could just stay home, take care of our son and work on cars for $$ - I SAID NO, he is lazy, can't prioritize, keep organized-our garage so messy when he did move a month after the divorce -agony, I had it put in the decree for him to clean it, couldn't park in it
*My attorney advised me to see a therapist to keep my sanity. I was taking a med for anxiety (temporary) but it made me gain weight (GI doc said to get off of them, made my stomach, digestion worse). Didn't she was helpful, I did all the talking, she just agreed and asked why I married him
*Our son took it the worse of course. Our son is 10 but small like a 7 year old, emotionally fragile (with N's anger, rages, bullying, intimidating ways). Our son's anger got worse (he was angery at me for doing this to his dad, not once but twice) He does remember how his dad rented a crappy mobile home in a crappy park and his dad always blamed me for his bad luck etc. Our son feels he needs to defend his dad, take care of his dad, lies to him so his dad won't feel bad or get out of control and yell. Our son's ped dr suggested a psychologist due to his behavior issues (mimicking dad, product of his environment) and anxiety (still sleeping with me & takes his flashlight, pocket knife, 2 stuffed animals, waterbottle to bed) We go for that apt in 2 weeks and was told not to tell N as he will either coach or sabotage the apt / son.
*Our son had surgery 2 weeks ago (testicles) and it was agreed that he would stay the week with me (divorce-in our state joint legal custody (I have majority) but have to pay him $50/week due to my making so much more (and our son's health insurance, sitter, rest is 50/50 which he hasn't done, no alimony for him lol (his awful attorney said he would get $3k/mo - NOT, this marriage was only 3 years and he worked). I worked 50-70hrs a week and took care of everything.
*Still feels entitled to know what is going on here (none of his business, but I have nothing to hide) and tells our son what happens at his house stays there (I reference as our house to our son while N states his house that he rents less than a mile away (boss's parents rental house)
*Told N several times he has crossed boundries, he just tells me I am mean and cold when I am business like with him.
*****I do need help with how to respond to him, when he gets loud, pushy etc I get blank and don't know how to be more aggressive with my words***
Thank you for reading. I wanted to try to be specific so that it may help others