I need a clue (and to get it all out -- again)
I need a clue (and to get it all out -- again)
Not to beat a dead horse, but I'm going to beat a dead horse.
I cannot see it. I just cannot. And I'm sure I need help. I wrongly posted my story a few days ago, asking for insight as to whether or not my NARC is a NARC. I was told yes. But I keep reading and reading (and thinking and thinking), and I just don't see it. And if it's true, I know I won't truly get better until I do see it.
My Narc (as far as I know since we've lived in different cities for 20 of the 40 years we've known each other), has never been hypo-sexual. He's never rubbed my face in anything, screamed at me, called me names, threatened me with anything (except the withdrawal of himself), has had very few relationships that any of his old friends know of anyway, including me (and I know the most because it used to seem he told me everything). That's what I read a lot here. What I see is my fault, my fault, my fault. I realize he has been wrong; he has been imperfect. He was worse than that when he asked me to marry him, got angry because I wanted input into when we married, and cut off contact with me to the extent that when I drove the 10 hours one way to see him, he wouldn't let me in his house -- me in a strange city, in a neighborhood whose safety I couldn't be sure of, he didn't make sure I had some place to sleep, knew the way home or had the money to get home. Even in honor of our since we were 7 friendship, he should have done those things. Just as a human being, he should have done those things. I realize he needs help just because of that one incident. One other time when I became desperate because he was saying he wanted us to become closer while he pulled steadily away, had been sending me presents monthly and suddenly didn't send me a Christmas present of all things or even acknowledge the Christmas present I sent him and I got more desperate, he stopped talking to me for over 2 years. I think that was hurtful and something I would never do to a friend or even acquaintance. But I see my desperation as being something he could not emotionally tolerate. We all have thresholds, and I was asking him to tolerate an emotional height he just could not scale. We can't be what we aren't. We can't give what we don't have it in us to give. I was asking him to be someone he wasn't. I do think he is troubled (or maybe another word?)in that every time we end things, when he comes back, we never, ever even mention what happened before. The only conversation we've ever had about the 2 years was "You have to be less emotional." Me: ok. I'm always scared to try to talk more for fear it will make him run. Last Feb, when he asked me consider marriage, he told me the reason he had stopped talking to me for 5 months after I had visited him last summer was because he felt he had failed at our relationship because I wouldn't follow that trip up with a vacation to NY -- which I wouldn't because I spent hundreds of dollars going there, tried so hard to be perfect (not letting my smile falter when he took me into his dirty home (maybe he had bothered to clean; maybe that was clean for him) or didn't even smile hello or almost missed our meeting time because he scheduled a dr's appt for the same time or didn't offer to pay for dinner 2 days before my birthday), and then he ended the night by criticizing me and I got angry (and I know anger is a choice; he did not make me angry) because I felt let down when the evening was over that it had gone no where when I had had such high hopes and allowed my disappointment to lead me into an exchange of words with him over my not wanting to sleep in his dishevelled guest bedroom but on his living room floor. Anyway, I had hopes and tried to be perfect and we couldn't get through one day without having a silly argument over something I should have been smarter than to have an argument about. How do you argue with someone you've longed for for 3 years about their wanting you to sleep in their guest room -- an offer they'd never made anyone else? My fault. Then he pulled away again and didn't even tell me Happy Birthday which made me feel like an idiot for making such an effort to go see him just 2 days earlier, so I pulled out of NY. A 5 minute conversation could have resolved this, but he would not have it. I know he goes home and does not even contact his sister or see his only nephew and she has cried a lot over him. I know his best friend died, asking him to take care of his children when he was gone and he has never even seen them since, not even when one ended up going to college where he lives -- not even to offer him rides to the airport or anything -- and they and their mother are very hurt. I know his childhood best friends say they have called him and not heard back from him for years and they have laid awake at night, wondering what they did to ruin their relationship with him. (In fact, I know they are currently going through a period like that because we have mutual childhood friends whom I will not cut off because of NC). I know I hurt because he asked me to be on FB because he had no "real friends" on FB and we could communicate better (right after the 2 year drought), but he sent all his 400 FB friends birthday and holiday greetings on there but, seemingly, me. He sent them condolescens when family died but not a word when my family died (maybe he can say something quick and off the cuff to them but would have to be more emotional, lengthy, sincere with me and can't be). He has 400 FB friends who seem like genuine friends, when I had thought he was so friendless ("why would you buy me a deck of cards in a leather case when you know I don't entertain?" -- answer: because you told me you wanted a deck of cards in a leather case), but one girl posted the hundreds of dollars of exotic blue roses he sent her and said he was her best friend. So he lies (but he says now they aren't close; she's mistreated him; friends have told him she said she was going to take him for everything he had (he has money)and he was writing her a "our friendship meant a lot to me while it lasted letter" -- but the last time I looked on FB (a month ago, yeah me), they were still listed as friends. But why does she value a goodbye letter and I don't? What have I done that's worse than tell people I was going to use him as she did? I've never done anything but try to be accepting and love him, and drain him emotionally I know. No letter to me because it would incite further drama he thinks? In fact, why so quickly no more talk of marriage? What did I do that was so bad (now, I think that's the crux of my question, my hurt)? Was it that I drove to see him without permission (which I had asked for but he wouldn't answer me)? I'm sure he thinks that is inappropriate (a word he's leveled at me several times). Is it because I wanted a say in the terms of our possible marriage? Ok, no wedding. Why can't we even talk? What did I do that is so bad that we can't even talk? What did I do? Even now that he has told me he isn't sure if he ever wants to ever talk to me again, I think maybe he's saying this because he sees that every time we try to have a relationship (and we've tried 4 times -- I'm still not sure why the 1st time didn't work because he won't talk about it) we both end up hurt. Maybe he's just insightful enough to accept that what we feel for each other is not enough and we should stop hurting each other. I hear my friends, one and all, telling me that I've let myself become a little puppy that he kicks and still comes running when he calls; I've heard my psychologist friend say he's abusing me (the post 10 hour drive thing was abuse; I agree). But does being emotionally limited, not empty, make him a NARC? He was there for me constantly as a friend for decades until I suggested we try a relationship as I was finally beginning to have feelings for him when it had long been suspected by my friends, my ex-husband and me that he had feelings for me. He seemed so friendless. I knew people from home rolled their eyes about him behind his back and thought he didn't realize it. He is quirky, odd, but, I thought, so willing to listen, so giving, so artistic, avant garde, intelligent, interested in so many things. I've never felt great acceptance; I thought this brought us together, gave us a commonality. Every time we have tried getting together, he pulls away almost immediately. I panic because I have abandonment issues. My panic scares him emotionally and it's over. That's our pattern -- does that make him a NARC? I think it just makes me too obsessed with not being abandoned again. See maybe he's not a NARC; maybe he's "just not that into me". Maybe he thought he was when he said he would always take care of me, that he had wanted to be with me for decades before we tried our first relationship, when he wrote that he would drive anywhere to spend just 15 minutes with me, when he used to send me flowers (but not exotic blue roses) just to cheer me up (he hasn't given me anything since before the 2 year silence -- he said, both birthdays, that he had been planning something big (a trip to the US Open the first time; unstated the 2nd time)that he couldn't pull together in time and then we stopped talking (well, we didn't stop talking after my birthday in 2009 actually). Anyway, I feel a little better just having gotten out that what I really feel is that he's not a NARC and I don't have the valid reasons for hurting that you all have; I've just made too many mistakes by getting so emotional (if I've wanted him for 7 years, why didn't I just say ok to his marriage conditions and see what happened -- anything could have happened; why did I say something that his best friend says surely made him feel like I was turning down the only time he'd ever offered himself to someone when he'd just told me the 5 month silence was because he felt I was saying he'd failed? My fault, my fault. What is wrong with me?) It's not what's wrong with him; it's what's wrong with me. There. I got it all regurgitated out. I'm mad at myself. That's my bottom line. Everyone else tries to stop themselves from forgiving their NARC. I don't feel the need to forgive him (except for his reaction to my 10 hour drive); I have to find a way to forgive myself for messing up this thing I've wanted forever.
In every relationship, with a
A Clue for You
free-at-last
Free at Last
to Hunter
Free at last
to Hunter (and 7yearitch)
Thanks for the suggesetion,
Free at Last
I have friends that treat me
rochkevin
Rochkevin
7Year
Hi, friend. You think I'm in
7 year itch...
NO ONE is perfect
momoya
Exactly, Momoya. I need to
7yr ich
I know you read my story --
Honey, it's not you! If you
But, Hunter, don't you think
7yr
Thanks, Hunter
Thank you all for all your
7yr
I'm trying to just take my
7yr
7 Year