I spoke with my N - I'm sorry

46 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Jul 22 - 9AM
Happy1
Happy1's picture

I spoke with my N - I'm sorry

I'm so sorry but I received a text from my N last night and I responded and we chatted by text for a while.
I'm not back in but we are talking and I know this is everything I'm not supposed to do. I know he's an N, but it's hard to let go of the feelings of love that I have for him. It's hard to let go of wanting to be with him. I am not back with him but we are talking. I know I'm a big disappointment and I should probably stop posting? I feel like a failure to all of you that have been out for a while and I feel crazy and a failure myself. I'm not in again but I'm not out either. I miss him and don't know why. I'm sorry
Happy1 gone sad1 again

Jul 25 - 10AM
Happy1
Happy1's picture

no boat today

I canceled with my friends today. I got into a fight texting the N last night and have no desire to see him today. He was talking about women on this other dock that he and his son were hanging out on. I decided to ask him how he felt about things with us. We had no conversation about us... He just wanted sex talk. He blew it up again and said I'm insecure and he's been complimenting me all week with what a nice body I have etc. He has given me no compliments in months and these mean nothing to me. These aren't feelings. This is him being turned on. Nothing to do with me. So he again blew up at me for daring to ask him a question and I texted back to not worry about it. I have no intention of ever asking him again. So that's it. I'm not saying we are done texting, but I will not be seeing him today so that is good. I feel bad I won't see the nice couple today, but I won't take my son there when the N is there and being an ass. Hugs!
Jul 25 - 10PM (Reply to #45)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Happy1

Good for you! I'm so glad you stood up to him and drew a boundary! This was a huge step forward. I'm sure you and your son had a much better time at the water part today! xoxo
Jul 25 - 11AM (Reply to #44)
Scoop
Scoop's picture

good for you , this is a

good for you , this is a great step foward because what you did was draw a boundry for him , like you would a child . it was "if you talk to me in such away you dont get my company " .. he would dress it up as " i dont want your company anyway youre too insecure blah blah blah " .. but if he didt want youre company (suply ) then why is he texting you eh ?eh? .... what a load of rubbish this man is . You totaly did the right thing. Big love scoop x .
Jul 25 - 11AM (Reply to #43)
MsVulcan500
MsVulcan500's picture

I'm sorry,

I'm sorry you had to cancel your plans. I was just watching my neighbors getting their boat ready to go out for the day and was thinking about you. I wish you could see your friends, but this is probably for the best right now. And you're right about his texts meaning nothing. He was not saying anything to do with feelings, just how hot you are, etc. And if you dare to ask about any feelings you just get raged at. There are a lot of steps to this process, and you are making progress. I know it never goes as fast as you would like, but it is still forward progress. You are doing great! And I'm proud of you for taking a stand with him!
Jul 25 - 11AM (Reply to #41)
wholeagain
wholeagain's picture

I'm glad

you stood your ground and are keeping your eyes open. You have come a long way in just a few weeks! You should feel proud, you honored yourself by not going, and you honored your son as well. Hope you do something nice for yourself today!
Jul 25 - 11AM (Reply to #42)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

Thanks wholeagain! I'm

Thanks wholeagain! I'm going to take my son to the water park that's a few miles from us in a little while. I really feel fine and don't regret or feel bad about my decision. I hate this jerk and am seeing him for what he is. I will keep working at it.
Jul 25 - 6AM
CarolKittyGale (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

don't beat yourself up

Don't beat yourself up honey, we have all been there. Just pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start all over again...corny but true. Just keep trying and working on YOU......it's like a bereavement you have to be nice to yourself. You must know the drill by now....pamper you, exercise, journal, etc. etc. The fact that you recognize you have to get away from him and have been trying to do so is a major start and nobody is judging you so stop judging yourself and start spoiling you. God bless X
Jul 24 - 8PM
baddream
baddream's picture

We can support you, but you need to convince yourself.

Realizing what N is and then internalizing it are two separate steps in a process you must go through to be successful with No Contact. In order to get rid of N, you need to WANT him out of your life. You need to no longer feel "excited" about the prospect of seeing him. I went back to my ex-N time and time again (sometimes after long spans of NC lasting up to 8 months) until one day I knew that I had enough and wanted him gone from my life forever. This was a decision I made and although this forum helped me along the way, the decision needed to come from me. Unfortunately what preceded this final break from N was so very painful. N would bring me back up, only to knock me down again. Due to my addiction to him I kept reasoning that "this time would be different". I could not see clearly. I kept allowing his toxicity to touch me. My life was in turmoil until I finally saw, without a doubt, that he was going to destroy what was left of my life. I saw my future and it looked no different from what preceded it. I needed to close the door, once and for all, to walk through a new one. The going back and forth is, unfortunately, what we do before we can make the decision to say good bye forever. I am sending you hope and strength and hope you can work through this and see the light which can only come when you are finished. You know what you must do-- it is the journey that is the hardest.
Jul 24 - 8PM (Reply to #38)
Janet
Janet's picture

Hey dream, good post. The

Hey dream, good post. The part about going back after 8 months is scary. It has been 8 months since I have seen or talked to N. But, I think about the creep so much. I would like to believe that I am immune to him now, but addictions are just that, addictions. Rebuilding a life we are proud of and happy is harder than it seems like it should be. Peace. J

Peace. J

Jul 24 - 8PM (Reply to #37)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

Thank you baddream! I'm so

Thank you baddream! I'm so sorry for what you had to endure to finally be over. This is a hard journey as you said and I have been feeling like I have been fighting a true battle within. My logic and feelings are 2 different things. I feel like my 'feelings' are spoiled children right now and want to fight to the end to have some emotion from this man. Any feeling besides hate! Anything! My stubborn feelings keep telling me he couldn't possibly have no emotion when I have so much. My feelings have been winning over my logic and I have to keep trying. Thanks! 8-)
Jul 24 - 3PM
Happy1
Happy1's picture

Thanks guys!

I feel very loved and supported on this message board and truly appreciate all your support and tough love. We all need the truth here that's for sure. I have spoken to my N by text these past 2 days. Nothing serious. He only wants sex talk. Go figure!!! He wants to see me next weekend and I have this overwhelming feeling. A big part of me is excited about the idea of seeing him again. And then I have the logical person in my head saying this is a mistake and I will never be the 'family' I want to be with him. Our sons will never be brothers and he will never be a good dad to my son. The people in the boat across from my N invited my son and I on their boat tomorrow. She sent me this long note that she wants me to be very careful with Michael and not to rush back to him. She sees him for what he is and that surprises me. Most women get blinded by him. She thought it would be good for us to come tomorrow just to test the waters and see how he acts without being with him alone. His son is with him this weekend also. Anyway, my son and I are going on their boat tomorrow and we are going to look for fossil rocks that my son loves to do. He's very excited and part of me is excited and scared at the same time. A big part of me is afraid to see him and get sucked right back in. I'm only get sex texts from the N now and nothing at all to do with working anything out. Nothing to do with what we broke up in the first place for. This is how it always has worked for us. We ignore and we're back together again. I just get afraid to speak up I guess. I'm very sick and tired of the in and out of this and know I'm going to get hurt again. It's hard to explain what draws me to him though and makes me want to see him. Maybe it will be different seeing him this time. Like I said...I have to get 'family' out of my head with him. It's something I really wanted I guess. Thank you all and thanks Ninjagirl for the tough love as well. Don't give up on me guys. I will get this right soon I hope. Happy1
Jul 24 - 10PM (Reply to #35)
wholeagain
wholeagain's picture

You're doing great!

You're going into this with your eyes open and a more balanced grasp of logic vs. feelings, that's awesome. For what it's worth--I fought long and hard, tooth and nail, to change the ex-N's ways, and he actually did improve quite a bit in some ways (and not in others, but it took me longer to see that). What I didn't realize 'til later was just how much damage was already done. The triumph of pulling through all that hardship was short-lived, because the wounds already inflicted were still there. I guess it's kind of a "be careful what you wish for" thing. Anyway, I'm glad you're reading here and will be interested to know how tomorrow goes. We're pulling for you to pull for yourself :)
Jul 24 - 6PM (Reply to #33)
MsVulcan500
MsVulcan500's picture

Happy

I am so glad you posted! I have been really worried about you the last couple of days. I'm really curious to see how you react to what he says and what he does as compared to how you reacted to what he said and did before. You're already picking up on it with the texts. Before, you thought the sex talk was fine, and now you're thinking not so much. When the mask comes off to you, I really don't think there's any going back. I think when he says something now you are going to be analyzing every word and every tone. So I for one, am really curious about your feelings after spending the day with him. I'm also curious to see how your son is with him. He knows N hurt you and sons do not like to see their mommas hurt. So come back and let us know how it goes, we are all here for you.
Jul 24 - 7PM (Reply to #34)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

Thank you MsVulcan500! I

Thank you MsVulcan500! I definitely feel differently and will post tomorrow night when I get home. The sex talk is definitely not doing it for me. It has nothing to do with feelings or a relationship. My son may say something to the N. I used to worry about such things but no more. I now feel he can say whatever he thinks or feels and I will not stop him. He has an opinion also. I hope to not spend a great deal with the N but with the couple that invited my son and I. I will let you know how it goes. 8-) Thanks! Happy1
Jul 24 - 12PM
smileyfacepr
smileyfacepr's picture

Dont

Dont be so hard on urself..we all know the power they have over us, and how much we loved them, just remember they dont love, they use! If u decide to go back just be aware that the first time he misbehaves and hurts u,,u will have to be strong and say enough is enough! I think most of us have been suicidal over these assholes! No one is worth our lives and I hope we have all come to realize this! We r worth so much more!!! xoox We r all w/u!!

smileyfacepr

Jul 24 - 11AM
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Happy1

Oh, please don't say that! You are NOT a disappointment. I'm sorry I'm behind on the boards. You should not feel bad. This is part of the recovery process. Progress, not perfection. No one can expect perfection right away. It takes a long time to disconnect and deprogram from these men. Be patient with yourself and certainly do not apologize to us. We understand. Remember - progress, not perfection! xoxo
Jul 23 - 6PM
Kelly
Kelly's picture

Happy

What you are going through is completely normal :) It's all baby steps, but I hope you keep in mind all of the things you need in a relationship and are able to recognized the things he is incapable of giving you. Once the mask comes off, it's very difficult for it to go back on. You have seen underneath at this point, so whenever he shows you snippets of his true self - I suggest writing them down. Keep a list so that it will help you remember what he is vs. what you want him to be. He will show you all the "good" things he used to seduce you in the first place, so I hope you will be stronger.
Jul 23 - 2PM
rainbow1
rainbow1's picture

Happy1

Do you want to take him back? Is that where this is going? I know that I have broken NC many times and I still talk to him everyday, but I dont want him back. Just because you broke NC doesnt mean that you have to take him back. You know that he doesnt mean what he says right? Mine is telling me he loves me and misses me, but I am far enough along here that I know that he doesnt mean it. What do you want out of this? Validation or a relationship?

_______________________________________________
"dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

Jul 23 - 2PM
wholeagain
wholeagain's picture

Happy1

There's not much I can say that hasn't been said well already...I think now more than ever you need to be here though. Your friends here can help you work through things that you can't see clearly on your own. I hope, for you and your son, you resist going back to someone who has no feelings for you (or anyone). You and your son don't deserve what he will surely dish out.
Jul 23 - 5AM
AnotherPath
AnotherPath's picture

Seems like you're not at the

Seems like you're not at the end of "your" road with him. Looks like you need to have more lessons with this relationship for you to eventually leave. The lesson as you know will be harsh, will strip away at the little self esteem and respect you have left and as you know you'll be spat out again without a second glance, added on top the guilt you'll feel because you have a son and put an N first. You will never get this time back again with your son, and at some stage you will never want this time back with the N, but by then it will be too late, the N has already taken a chunk of your life (healing is slow too) and your life with your son. You probably know you're choosing a path that is going to have you feeling humiliated, obsessed, dead inside, insane with no self respect, and no respect from your son. A path that can only lead to more pain than you've EVER had, but this is your choice to make. No one can judge you for making your choice because you need to "get" the lesson. We can support you but if you need to learn more about yourself by being with a man that will destroy you even further, because you let him, then this is what you have to do.

Ending the dance

Jul 23 - 4AM
Scoop
Scoop's picture

Oh heck , dont go Happy ,

Oh heck , dont go Happy , maybe write what he is saying to you and we can try and narc talk it back to you , that would help i think . Hey i went back 6 times ... i kept saying one more look but he dammed near killed me in the end . Everyone has their limits , in the end with mine he had closed up any mr nice guy and all i got was psycopathic eyes , he has tryed to hover me since but he got no where because i remember the bad times but thats not to say everyone is like me , the girls have it right on this one when they say it will happen in youre own time , just know that you have done 2 weeks no contanct and you didnt die lol so that means you can do it again when the time is right . Dont you go anywhere ! keep posting and keep being happy1 , we all love you very much and want the best for you .. Scoop x
Jul 22 - 6PM
Happy1
Happy1's picture

Thank you all for your

Thank you all for your posts. I know what I have done and I am accountable for my actions. I am in no way blaming anyone else and know what it means when I break NC. This is why I've lost all but 1 friend and don't speak with my family any longer. No one understands the break up and then the getting back together. This is why I was suicidal not that long ago. I am not back with him but I did talk to him. I don't know where this will lead, but I know where it has gone in the past. We get back together. Everyone thinks I'm crazy and I know it. I hide from everyone in my life. I do feel this is like an addiction for me and I feel horrible and do not want Ninja to leave the board because of my contact with the N. If I cannot be honest here though, then I have nowhere I can be honest with what is happening in my life. This isn't easy and I know so many of you have been through far more than I have. I really am trying as hard as I can. I am not perfect and I am taking one day at a time looking for a job and trying to be a good mom to my son. I will not post on the board for now, but will continue reading the board to get support. I don't want to offend anyone here that is in the middle of recovery or detox. You guys are all such great ladies and I feel like you are my friends!!! Happy1
Jul 24 - 12PM (Reply to #24)
afreespirit
afreespirit's picture

the good news!

the good news happy1 is that you posted here you didn't hide you didn't disappear (out of shame for breaking no contact) you stayed in touch with your support system and THAT is GOOD NEWS as long as you continue to maintain contact with your supports you will be open to being guided through what you need to learn from your situation with your N we are here for you!
Jul 22 - 10PM (Reply to #23)
NinjaGirl
NinjaGirl's picture

Happy

You aren't the reason I'm taking a break. It's mostly work-related, and I don't want to take my frustrations out on anyone. I think you're awesome, and only want happiness for you. Please don't leave, because I would feel like I had lost a friend. Besides, you don't live that far away. Don't make me come find you and drag you back! Please pray. Please try and focus on what you want and what you want for your son. I have been close to being suicidal before, and I know how unbelievably full of despair you are when you're in that stage. But I also believe in your strength. And when you run out of strength, we are here for you to lean on. I will still dispense tough love, because that's what I'm good at, but I still implore you to please start listing things about yourself that make you awesome. If you can't think of anything, ask family, friends, think back to compliments you've gotten throughout your life, etc. Write these things down! Anyway, I will be gone for just a little bit, but if you want to contact me for any reason, ask one of our awesome leaders. I don't mind sharing my email. And please go NC. You will heal if you have faith in it.
Jul 22 - 6PM (Reply to #21)
Steph
Steph's picture

I think you do know where

I think you do know where this will lead with him. You can be honest here in your posts. But you have to be willing to accept honest responses.
Jul 22 - 6PM (Reply to #22)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

staying strong78

yes, I definitely appreciate and embrace everyone's honesty here. I am thankful you guys give that to me.
Jul 22 - 6PM
Steph
Steph's picture

The only person you owe an

The only person you owe an apology to is to yourself and to your son. That is ultimately whose life is affected by these choices. I know no contact is hard. You can't help the feelings you have, but you do have control over your actions. You and only you. You know what he is. You know what contact with him does to you. Reread all of your posts if you have forgotten. This is just my opinion, but at this point, you DO need to be hard on yourself for breaking no contact. That means acknowledging that you made a mistake and taking the appropriate actions to prevent it from happening again. Whether that means blocking him to avoid the temptation or whatever else. This is the time for you to start digging deep and finding the strength that you have within. You know how the story plays out when you deal with him. So you have a choice here. Continue to engage with him and fall into a deeper depression....or strict no contact and ACCEPT that yes it is hard but it is the ONLY way to heal yourself. You and only you have power over your life. I know you are strong and capable and I hope that you find it within yourself to step up and gain accountability for your life from this point on and say NO MORE and get control back over your life.
Jul 22 - 5PM
naivenomore
naivenomore's picture

NC is such an addicitve process!

I'm sorry to hear that you broke NC, happy1 (I'm NOT going to use your sad1 username 'cause I believe that the happy part is coming, just gets shoved back sometimes). I,too, have broken NC and I can't even blame it on my exN - it's ME who's making contact and then getting the responses that destroy me - WTF? It did relieve me greatly when I heard the other's comments that we wouldn't be pitched off the board or anything, 'cause I too feel like such a hopeless human being when I knowingly go back for more! I've actually not been as participative on this board for awhile because I was feeling so disappointed and didn't want to bring anyone else down with me, you know? I firmly believe, though, that you and I will beat this thing, maybe just not as soon as we'd like to! My exN is living in an airstream while he's working on his boat at the club and when I texted him I stupidly asked him what his plans were for the winter when it's too cold to be in an airstream. I get the following back: "For the winter, I will probably room up with a single woman, if the scenery is attractive and the obligations reasonable.  I can probably earn my keep on that account.  We'll see.  It's still a long ways off and no pressure here. It's not like I have to move any stuff, just me and an overnight bag.  As long as there are no metal detectors, I can go anywhere, lol." So, of course, now I'm in the throws of wondering what "room up with a single woman means" and why doesn't he just come out and say he's dating someone else and they've gotten serious? I hate that I'm even reporting this here today but I'm feeling so tense and can't get this stupid line out of my head! 'Hope I'm not hi-jacking your thread, happy1, it just struck me as something we're both wrestling with at the moment.
Jul 22 - 4PM
better off
better off's picture

Try writing the things down

Try writing the things down that he said about your son. If he wants to talk to you, look at the list. Write DO IT FOR "SON" at the top, and perhaps that will be strong enough for you not to respond to him. Really, I would say that you should block him and not let him be able to text you. There was once an article written about depriving Dracula and I think it said something about how they go from one thing to another to try to get you. Well, he tried nastiness, kept upping the ante, and you didn't want anything to do with him. So now, he's trying being nice. It's the same person. It's simply a merry-go-round. I hope everyone reading this sees that it doesn't matter how much an N says he hates you, he still wants you to feed him. It also doesn't matter how much an N says he loves you, he just wants you to feed him. Nothing they say means anything. Their words actually carry ZERO CONTENT. So it's a collossal waste of time to listen to gobbledlygook they they are throwing out there randomly to get a feeding.
Jul 22 - 4PM (Reply to #17)
rainbow1
rainbow1's picture

The merry go round

I can actually say that I think that mine is being somewhat honest. He just text me that he loves me and I said back to him "It is love/hate/love. Nice/ass/nice. You need to make up your mind". He text me back and said "NEVER!!!!!!!!!" This just shows how textbook N he is! It is a merry-go-around with them always!

_______________________________________________
"dont let yesterday take up too much of today"