I still don't get it

I've been on this site for the longest time. I've spent more than 2 years of my life endlessly scouring the Internet reading everything I can about npd and psychopathy I cognitively understand it all and I can reel it off to my friends until they look at me like I'm insane !! So why am I still here ? Why am I know further on ? Why do I still return to the man when I see clearly what he is (mostly). What's wrong with me ? Why do I still want to reach out to him ? I fear him I pity him I feel guilty I feel so many conflicting emotions at times and at other times I feel nothing. I feel dead. I've been strong I've been weak and right now I just feel defeated. I know I am in the worst kind of denial but I honestly don't feel I can do it. I go nc but I always give in. Too many times. I'm ashamed to still be posting this. I don't see anybody here who was here when I was first here who hasn't moved on. I feel so used to this now that without his abuse I have a sense of unreality that I can't cope with. Am I abnormal ?