I thought we were all created different... why are narcs the same?

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#1 Jan 9 - 3PM

Happy1

I thought we were all created different... why are narcs the same?

Okay, this may seem like a silly question and my head has been rejecting this part of this entire process. I was just reading about Onwithmylife's narc and he has done the exact same stuff as my Narc. Ignore when you speak to him, never share a thought with us but with others, break up and get back together over and over and over, does not talk, if you ask a question then we are harassing them, we are too insecure in their eyes when have openly cheated.
How is it that they can all act the same when I thought we were all made different in this world. These guys are cookie cut out narcs. They are all very similar in how they abuse and treat us. How is this possible????

#2 Jan 10 - 5AM

ImStrong

Happy I really like your

Happy I really like your post a.nd I usually like to put a play on things here that no one ever posts.. We as humans are individuals..born free..but we pic up traits like the english language..manarisms..behaviour teqniques.. Juat as we learned to speak English..but are different ..the Narc learned his behavior but is a Different man than yours.. They all learn there behaviours the same..because they attract the same.. - A Narc has a group of friends..he will choose the player of players as the one to listen to and take notes from.. - A room full of women..he will take the victim of victims to be a mte with.. You see they all attract the same.. If you look at it Happy..Where the same woman also.. We choose the same men..we attract the same men.. When theres a room full of Men who do we choose..The N right.. When we are looking for a Mate who do we choose.. the N right We in other words are made the same..because not only do the N continue to pick us ..the same women.. We continue to pick them the same men.. If we had all our N here..he would leave you for me..because im like you..in a mini sec.. Mine would leave me For Brieses and Brieses N would leave her for Deidre.. Get it ..Onwithmylife N would leave her for Narcnomore.. The lists would go on and on.. Because to N we are all the same..They pick the same type of women..that is why we have all this in common.. We are interchangeble.. Replaceable.. But they would never date any one stronger and different..The women must be like us..

"In the fiery pit lays a man with two faces.One is the face of a God and the other a face of the Devil.Beware He lurks your souls.Keep one hand on your heart and the other hand over your eyes. Let him walk pass you not into you.Ghost of love will possess

#3 Jan 9 - 9PM

Jean

developmental stages?

I like the theory of developmental stages, but also I think defense mechanisms play a part. I was a reading a list of defense mechanisms, i.e. common ones, and they are things we all do but these Narcs do them at very turn: denial, splitting, projective identification, projection. . .they are always trying to defend themselves and use the same bag of tricks over and over again. also I think the fact that they are dominated so much by anger/rage and are always trying to channel that does cause similar "covering up" behaviors like being charming and seductive. I like what Briseis said about creativity, too - the Narc is the opposite of creative. If you are creative you are much more likely to be unpredictable, go in a new direction, solve a problem creatively. If you are disordered you aren't flexible about approaching problems, but rather just pull out one of your six handy tools (like answering a question with a question) in an attempt to evade. . . Great topic!

#4 Jan 9 - 10PM (Reply to #14)

Briseis

Little kids use all of the

Little kids use all of the defense mechanisms too without being taught how. They are natural parts of the human personality apparently! Imagine being a grown man (or woman) and still having the defense mechanisms of a three year old? Talk about developmental delay! Narcs are not very complicated creatures, to me. At first my exNarc was an enigma but that was because I was relating to him as if he were "normal" and somehow choosing to think/act/behave in such destructive and crazy ways. They making nothing "new". They keep doing the same thing over and over and over again because they don't have the insight or emotional flexibility to learn something new. I doubt it even occurs to them. All diabetics act the same, everyone with a cold acts the same, everyone with NPD acts the same. All people in love act the same, all people who win the lotto act the same (at least in the first few hours). That must be mindblowing to the newcomer who hasn't quite got what NPD is. Holy cow, here's all these other women who have CLONES of their man. And here's all these women with amazing PSYCHIC POWERS and seem to already know all the things he's done or said and even half of what the newcomer has done or said or felt!! No such thing . . . the further you go along in recovery, Narcs are about as predictable as flies on dog poo. We survivors are only a little LESS predictable :D in how we are slowly destroyed from within. We also heal in pretty much the same way, at first. That's why EVERYONE gets a bottle of No Contact at the door :D Then, our creativity and health return, and we start spreading out and doing our own thing.

#5 Jan 9 - 5PM

Briseis

Lower life forms

Simplistic, primitive creatures behave all alike :D

#6 Jan 9 - 5PM (Reply to #12)

Briseis

I knew I couldn't leave it

I knew I couldn't leave it at that :P Sea sponges do sea sponge things. Filter the sea water and sit there until they get huge and old or something eats them. The higher order the creature is, the more "stuff" they do. The more alternatives in behavior you will see. A person with a developmental delay is similarly "simplistic", their behavior is condensed into a smaller set of behaviors. Narcs are also developmentally delayed (and this is a psychological truth), but for them it is social, emotional and behavioral, rather than having impaired intelligence. It only follows that they all behave alike. They all have the same damn thing wrong with them. The older I get the more I think all human beings share MORE than they are different from one another. Only the details are different. Beneath the superficial details (work, talents, IQ, hereditary factors) we are pretty much all alike. We all need to belong, we all need acceptance, we all need to matter to other people. We all need creative expression, we all need to feel important for some reason, to feel involved, to feel powerful. How all that is expressed is where we are unique. But beneath a relative "surface" of differences, we are pretty much all the same :)

#7 Jan 9 - 4PM

onwithmylife

Hi Happy1 ME again!

I am like a penny you can never get rid of, only kidding!!!I will be curious to see what people say about your post, like I mentioned in my other post, there are only so many characteristics of the disorder, and because it is a DISEASE, you only have so many options, will hold out the verdict until it is in. it is a great questions to know why they have SO many similarities, Helldweller wrote, if you read it to my post, many similar things as well, at least to my EXn.Normal people and that is a WIDE range, have more variety, emotionally speaking,just my hunch.............these guys are frozen in emotional development, even my therapist said he is emotionally immature, to use his exact words to me.Say take a bunch of 2 year old toddlers, I bet you there is a lot of similarity there.

#8 Jan 9 - 4PM (Reply to #2)

Happy1

onwithmylife

You're a good penny not a bad penny. 8-) I do believe helldweller has had a lot of the same similarities as well as some of he other ladies. I just don't understand how they could be programmed in the same way like this. How they could all know to do the silent treatment, to ignore or not care what our needs and thoughts are, do treat us like dirt essentially. But it's in the way they all do that is so similar it's as if they all took a class together. I would love to know the answer. I'm a bit lonely and agitated and confused today so I thank you for the company. Happy1

#9 Jan 9 - 7PM (Reply to #8)

onwithmylife

Happy 1

i am going to be real LONELY soon, moving to another town and state where I know no one but will hope to make friends so you can talk with me anytime,if you want ask Betty for my email address. Hope you read Brises' funny comments above all this, she is always spot on, they are lower life forms, simplistic creatures, sorry if i insulted any 2 year olds out there, who I KNOW have more emotional intelligence than MY EX NARC!!!!!!!

#10 Jan 10 - 7AM (Reply to #10)

Happy1

onwithmylife

I would love to chat with you anytime. I will check in with Betty for your email. 8-) Everyone here has made some wonderful clarifying points. It's amazing to get such dialog from wonderful women all over the world.

#11 Jan 9 - 8PM (Reply to #9)

Susan32

My baby nephew has more emotional intelligence...

Than my ex-Psych professor! And their fathers have the same name&they've grown up in Massachusetts! He's only 15 months old. My baby nephew is interested in people, is always so happy. When I woke up in the bed next to his crib, he's stand up in it, smiling and waving. He loves music. If the Wiggles stop playing, THEN he's upset. He loves animals... especially dogs (oh the irony, the ex-P's name is Hebrew for "dog" or "rabid dog") I'd rather listen to my nephew babbling for an hour than the ex-P babbling for an hour about language, or Tolstoy. If the professor sharing an office with the ex-P is open to my lil' nephew moving in... playpen and all... he'll have a much smarter colleague.

#12 Jan 9 - 4PM (Reply to #3)

therose

No doctor here..

but I think it's truly cycclical and it has to do with their experiences at the age they were most impressionable. Just as people who were abused and learned to be overly nice to stop the abuse, so to we are often alike in adulthood, the types that are called "too nice" and get taken advantage of. My answer would be all in the childhood years and also to do with how their parents were. Were they abandoned as children and talked about it often? My n was, and how was the home life when they wwere kids? Sad to say, just because we become physically adults, doesn't mean we grew ou t of things taught to us as children. I would be money that most of the N's or BP's ar P's had something happen to them as kids they are not able to get over or accept that it wasn't anything to do with them. And it's truly cyclical. He will end up doing this to his daughter and she will also have some sort of enabling or problem with her adult relationships. I already saw her trying to always do stuff, be pleasing, not be too loud, she is going the way I went from my abusive father, she also could have gone his way and taken it out through anger to others and rage, or manipulation. But I'm betting my money on the parents, and those formative years. M

"do you believe that dreams come true? hold on to your dreams." - Madonna

#13 Jan 9 - 8PM (Reply to #4)

onwithmylife

Evrybdy 11 right on!

I am betting my money where you put it and espcially on his mother who in some shape,way,form did a horrible job of parenting him, smothered, doted on him, spoiled him rotten, did not want him initially, wanted a girl, got pregnant 17 years after her fist son, the whole thing did a number on HIM. He is emotionally immature, not retarded, as my therapist said, he is a distraught, frightened, little boy, living in a fragmented world of his mind, in the guise of an older man's body.

#14 Jan 9 - 8PM (Reply to #5)

therose

It's so true!

I don't know the particulars of mine, but Iknew his dad left when he was six years old, then his mom was with a number of boyfriends, he told me and he was the firstborn, he has a younger brother. My guess is she was busy raising two very young boys alone,then the b/f's she had may have been abusive to her as he talked about seeing fights,a nd also he had said they could just go off bike riding, with no time to come home, no structure, no discipline maybe. My guess is he already felt unloved from dad leaving, then the youngerbrother needed more attention, sohe felt neglected again, then he jsut got away with stuff, and with no discipline he just wanted to more and more see what he could get away with, because in school he was always getting into trouble. I don't remember but he was that type, fights, probably dabbling in drugs, and lots and lots of girls and sex. No structure again. he got his way not so much by smothering, but by being ingored, and maybe she had her own stuff going on, so he learned how to manipluate women from how his mom was to him then that carried over to other women in the future. At the root of it all, was he just wanted his mother's love, i would guess. Some tsructure that showed she cared. Todya, she seems very sweet and has a good man she is married to and a wonderful family, but like i said, the formativve years is when this becomes permanent. I'm sad about this because there is no way to tell him what I can see but again, I am also guessing and who knows what really happened. Hard to piece something together. It's like me always trying to please men, cuz my dad was abusive and I could never do anything right. It's sad but once we know where it comes from, we can finally be free. And I wish becoming a parent wasn't so easy! LOL This is going ot keep on happening! Argh! LOL

"do you believe that dreams come true? hold on to your dreams." - Madonna

#15 Jan 9 - 8PM (Reply to #6)

onwithmylife

Evrybdy !! something for you to Read

get the book, When he is Married to his Mom, it might be useful to you in analyzing him, if you wish to do that, i like to because it helped me understand where he is coming from, your EXN sounds more like he was abandoned, rather than smothered, but either WAY, it is BAD NEWS, they both reach the same conclusion, not healthy ;parenting and also the boy is suppose to make the "break" from mother around 5 years old with the help of father, if this does not occur, it is again bad new, I feel my EXN raged all the time,because in essence he is raging at his MOTHER for her not releasing him into adulthood and manhood!!!they are revisiting what happened to them as youngsters with their mothers, onto the other signifigant women in their life.That is it in a nutshell.

#16 Jan 9 - 8PM (Reply to #7)

therose

omg

that is so true and I will look into that whe my eyeballs get better. Like I said, I don't know if she smothered or didn't,but judging only on his comments it sounds like she had too much of her own drama on her plate to deal with him. The brother is much more "feminine" in terms of he lives with my N, and does all the grocery shopping, and clenaing around the house, cooking as well for his brother because my N can't do it himself. I had a talk with his brother to find out what foods he liked and he was like, he wouldn't eat anything healthy unless I cooked it. He had a lot of sugary cereals and foods and sodas all the time and that can't help. I shoul dknow from my own diet and watching the sugar. His mom is in his life now as taking care of the daughter when he is working but I can sene their relationship is strained. he said they only in the last few eyars were on talking terms again, so that is probably why when I brought up bp, she was in agreement. I actually think she was relieved someone had figured out what she herself coudln't figure out, his anger and where it is coming from. I have severe issues with my dad, but I have gone to counseling off and on for it, it has really helped me. I just wish ther was a way, the answer may be right in front of his eyes. Ugh...

"do you believe that dreams come true? hold on to your dreams." - Madonna

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