I want to die

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#1 Dec 30 - 11PM

HealedOne

I want to die

How will I ever heal? My screenname is one I picked to show hope but the truth is I have very little. I can only see darkness and despair caused by him. I have his child in my belly and only pain can come from 18+ years of having to deal with visitations, etc. Then he will leave her millions of dollars when he dies but my son (his stepson) who he treated horribly will have nothing as a further reminder of how my son and I were second class. How will I ever love my son enough so that he won't feel this pain each time a visitation takes place the he does not go on and then even in the evil Narc's death he still gets to hurt my son again - something he will relish because he so blatantly hated this poor seven year old boy for the simply fact that I loved him and he was jealous. Someone, please help. I want to die so there is no future like this. What other way is there? I feel there is no hope to hang on to. I need to get out of this life but I can't leave my son all alone either. I am trapped in this life! I wish God would just take me. :(

#2 Jan 5 - 1PM

Dee30

I am sorry for you pain

I remember this is all too clearly...just wanting to die..3 months ago, I tried overdosing on sleeping pills, Im not even sure how much i took cuz i kept popping them, luckily my mom came in the room and took them from me. I saw no way out at that time from the tremendous pain the xnarc bf gave me. It was a stupid decision. Its an extreme emotion to extreme pain. I have 3 kids, single mother. My ex narc husband, refuses to pay me one penny in child support. He refuses to unless i come back and continue to live with him. He calls me a whore, slut, horrible mother etc...i was married 7 years to him, he cheated, financially irresponsible, etc.. I met my xnarc bf while i was still married near the end of our marriage. my ex husband found out, tried to kill me. I was with xbf for 2 and half years. he is the most visible textbook narc i have been with. those years are the worst physiological destructive years i have ever experienced. Now he left to get married. I am suffering also. I am on this journey to in healing..i hope one day i will recover.. keep your head up. we all know what ur feeling..

#3 Jan 5 - 12PM

HealedOne

HELP!!! IS HE REALLY A NARC OR AM I ???!!!?

I'm not sure if this is where to post this question. I tried earlier but haven't heard back. I need help to know if he is truly a narc!! We've been separated for 3 months since I fled with my son to my mom's for some emotional peace after another one of his verbal attacks where he refused to stop and change his behavior. He is acting so kind on the phone now because he definitely wants joint custody of the child I am carrying but clearly stating he never wants to get back together with me because I am "unhealthy for him and don't meet his needs!" From what I've read narcs usually try to get you back and he certainly used to in the past (he was chronic with the push/pull - breaking up on whims and perceived slights then vanishing for a week then begging me back - even pretended to become a Christian). However, this last time I stated he needs to deal with his verbal/emotional abuse and this is where the door just slammed shut...as if I finally gave a name to it and all bets were off. Now, three months later, he has been to therapy and apparently he and his therapist have determined that it is all about how his abuse was just a 'symptom' of how I didn't meet his needs and "We are just oil and water, no one is right no one is wrong." He keeps wanting to claim I "abandoned" him even though he was so abusive and when I begged him to stop he told me to "leave if you don't like it". Now he says vague things about me 'not being a wife', 'being the taker while he is the giver', me 'deflecting all of his concerns' (a word he picked up from me calling him out on his behavior - yet I listen and ask questions constantly on how I can better meet his needs but he does not do the same!), etc. EVERY thing he accuses me of are things he blatantly does yet when he accuses me of them he either can't give an example or he finds one pathetic one and even so I say, "I'm sorry, I will work on that. What would you like me to change so you feel loved and that your needs are met? Oh, I didn't realize you wanted the sheets changed once a week vs. twice a week, I can certainly do that. No biggie, honey." but then it's onto some other vague need I'm not meeting. ALL THE WHILE HIS ABUSE IS NEVER DISCUSSED (as I know if I bring it up he will rage and attack) - other than to blow it off as a "symptom" of the bigger problem which is me not meeting his needs which goes back on this crazy circle again to this vague area of no examples and as he says, "JUST A FEELING". WTF? Then I say, "How can I fix 'just a feeling'. If you tell me what you need, I'll gladly do it." His response is always either, "You should just know." OR "Actions speack louder than words." WTF? So, I say, "I want to do the actions for you but I need to words to know WHAT actions you want me to do in order to feel loved." Then he changes the subject to something else. THERE IS NEVER ANY RESOLVE! It is the same circle of ambiguity and double-speak and vagueness! It is so bizarre. It is so abnormal from any other communications I've had with healthy people. Then he plays marytr again and says "It's not worth it." and talks about the "DAMAGE" I "did to him by leaving!" and that he "can't find anyone who thinks it's okay that a wife would leave just because she was called a couple of little names". (C*nt, B*tch, *sshole, baby, etc). Mocks the fact that I have PTSD and denies there is any way he could have anything to do with that as he is such a "good guy" and a "giver"...and that anyone on the outside would say, "Hey what would make such a good guy call his wife names?" and how people aren't seeing his side. Yet when I tell him to talk to any of my family or friends or a counselor so they can hear his side, he refuses! And recently he goes to the other extreme and says it's not me because (mockingly) "You are perfect. So it must be me. I just get depressed in relationships. All you women, like all my ex wives, think you are perfect so it must be me." (I'm his 4th wife.) or "This relationship wasn't healthy for me." WTF? No matter how many times I say I want to be healthy and change any bad behaviors I have to make it healthy it doesn't matter, then he will sarcastically say, "No, remember? You don't have any bad behaviors, it's all me!" UGH!! Then I remind him for the 100th time that I want to go and sit before a counselor and be held accountable but he is the one who refuses. I say I have nothing to hide. Then he says, "We shouldn't need a referre to have a good marriage." UGH. Always a roadblock. Yes, we wouldn't need a referee if he played fair but he won't admit he doesn't. He wants to say that I don't! To me, a relationship is 2 people and if 1 or both are unhealthy then you seek to fix your issues. The relationship isn't just unhealthy on it's own. His thinking seems so immature and grounded in a child's head but a man's body. Not one of these angles SEEKS TO RESOLVE an issue! And to make it ever crazier, he'll accuse me of "playing games" and when I ask for some human decency like "Please don't call me names." Who is really playing games? The last phone conversation entailed him saying relationships make him depressed and he justs wants someone to "adore" him but no woman has ever done this or "had his back" and he just keeps making mistakes by marrying "the wrong women", etc. It more of the same as what he usually says but this time I cornered him enought to say "WHAT COULD I DO to make it better and meet your needs." He basically said, "Act happy even when you are not." and "Don't mention your Christian 'rhetoric'". Wow. Then I asked if there was ANYTHING he even liked about me since he has told me for so long about all my supposed faults - even what most people would think were good things that he has perverted. So, he said, "Nothing." I was like, "Wow, that hurts. Okay." So then he said, "I'm sorry." Seemed to have a moment of empathy and insight and said, "I guess it's not YOU. I guess I just don't like the way you mirror ME." (I actually congratulated him on saying that last one because it was the most truth I'd ever heard. However, sadly, as has often been the case when he has a moment of 'truth'...it lasts for seconds...then he turned it into a justification, "Well, people have to feel good about themselves in a relationship or else it's not worth it." And with that, he slammed the door shut AGAIN on ever truly getting better and growing. Shall I ask him next time if perhaps he can see that the mirror I give him of himself is indeed an accurate one and instead of smashing and discarding the mirror cuz it says his hair is a mess that he just fix the damn hair instead?? (Yikes, I feel like I am the mirror and I'm talking the the f-ing wicked witch! Now, I get this whole narcissism/mirror thing.) So, I guess I have answered my own question as to whether or not he is an N, right? Can I feel okay that I'm not an N cuz I WANT TO FIX MY PROBLEMS and I DON"T WANT TO BREAK THE MIRROR - I just want the mirror to be and HONEST MIRROR who will tell the truth and reality about my flaws and not a "fun" house mirror who exaggerates my width, height, etc! I must say he uses the same terms we use here to describe me. He says how I 'just can't see my issues' so I start shaking (PTSD kicks in) and beg for some reality and examples so I can see it. All he has is "feelings" or twisting innocent things I've said or done. Do you think I am missing something, though, and I might be a narc?? Could his mirror of me be truth?? HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#4 Jan 5 - 12PM (Reply to #11)

Used

HealedOne

JUST TO CUT TO THE CHASE...... YOU ARE HIS 4TH WIFE......WHAT DOES THAT SAY ABOUT HIM?

#5 Jan 5 - 1PM (Reply to #12)

HealedOne

Thank you, Used..

I'm so glad you bring this point up because it torments me for this reason...I, too, have been married or in a serious relationship THREE times. Now that I know what NPD is I think that ALL THREE EXs were NPD and my father definitely was, too. However, is it fair for me to say that in my case I just married bad guys but in his case HE was the issue? I hope you can see how this question is one of the main ones that keeps me in this cycle of "maybe it's my fault"!

#6 Jan 5 - 1PM (Reply to #13)

Used

HealedOne

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT... YOU ,LIKE ME , KEEP GETTING INVOLVED? MARRIED? TO OUR DADS......HOPING TO GET VALIDATION WE NEVER GOT AND NEVER WILL FROM OUR FATHERS ...ITS HIM...HIM....HIM.... THERE ARE BOOKS AND SO ON ABOUT THEM BEING MARRIED TO THEIR MUMS.... NO BOOKS ABOUT DAUGHTERS BEING MARRIED TO THEIR DADS THO...

#7 Jan 5 - 1PM (Reply to #14)

HealedOne

Thanks again, Used

I guess the fact that I'm trying to rip myself apart and change and he isn't should say something. As a matter of fact, it was that way with all relationships. I was always the only one who wanted to do the hard work and they all just skated off saying, "No thanks. This should be easy if it was 'meant to be'." Yikes, lots of magical thinking. I married children dressed as men. The tough thing is I read sooo many selfhelp books so that I WOULDN'T marry my father. Each one was so different in so many ways from him, yet once married the true man showed himself. My healing now means LISTENING TO MY GUT and trusting it. There is a good book called "Getting the Love You Want" by Harville Hendrix. I read it years ago but it still didn't help me to not get involved with a Covert Narc. But that book, and many others, do talk specifically about marrying your primary caretaker in order to seek validation, etc. Also, maybe I read it too long ago? I don't know that he specifically addresses Narc behavior but you may get a lot out of it??? In this last relationship, I was only married and living with him less than a year before I called him out on the abuse. When he refused to change, I took him at his word and left. I didn't wait around for validation I wasn't going to get. I guess that's why I come here looking for validation, lol. I have to know in my heart I'm not crazy so that I can validate myself. I still feel sooooo sad that these kids will forever be ripped off from the example of a good marriage that only HE could have helped to provide. He claims to love his kids so much but fails to see how he rips them off by not fixing himself. Now they will be the victims of the back and forth houses, etc. I pity him, too, for what he rips himself off from...yet my pity for him is minor compared to my anger at what he has done to me and the kids. It's a sick, sick disease. I can't imagine ever trusting myself to be involved with anyone else. I just want to raise my kids to be aware of evil like him so they don't make the same mistakes. Thanks again for your response, Used.

#8 Dec 31 - 8AM

Goldie

I hear your pain

I was carrying a baby I had with a narc and was alone as well 25 years ago and the pain was horrific at the time. He was never a father to our son. Still isn't. I had to do it alone, didn't even get child support most of the time and when I did it was peanuts. You are right, you cannot leave your son, this would destroy him, you are his Mother. Sad as it is that Narc is no longer in the picture, he needs you far more than he needs him. You are new here, first of all welcome and many on here have gone through and are going through what you describe. I have had those feelings before like I wanted to die and did not really want to hurt myself, I just wanted the pain to go away, and I can remember begging God to take me. Apparently God had other idea's in mind for me so here I am, still here to tell you about it. I can still recall the feeling of this, like it was yesterday. I fully understand that you feel like crap right now and are getting your feelings out, this is a good thing so keep it up, don't allow that poison to remain trapped in your body, especially not now while you are with child. The truth of the matter is that children will react and respond to situations to the extent that they see it bothering us. There is no reason for your son to get an attitude because your X is taking his child on an outing. You can plan a fun time for him as well on these days and he will not even think much of it because this is how children are. They are pure, they are clean slates. As far as his inheritance goes, most balanced adults do not have a problem understanding that birth father is going to be leaving some of his money to his birthchild. Many have mixed families in these days. There is not real confusion for us with how these things work. The anger your son will pick up regarding these things will be what you feed him, not anyone else. Children look to their mothers for guidance. You are in tremendous pain right now which is completely understandable and you need to feel it and express it as you are doing here. One day you may realize that you don't have it so bad if this man is a millionare, at least you know that you and the children are not going to go hungry. I understand that this notion may not be a comfort to you right now while you are suffering so, yet down the road it will be. I was broke as a joke when my narc flew the coop 25 years ago. Not only was I reeling from the pain of having no father for my son, I also was scrounging for money to keep a roof over our heads, it was not pretty. Add to the mix, I had no family support, my father was a narc and my mother was deceased. I was not a happy camper and was completely alone in all of this, heck we did not even have the Internet back then so there were no support networks for my plight. Why do I tell you all of this? Because there is a way out for you and it is through understanding that this man is not who you thought he was and through the love and support of friends, family, and others who have made it through what you are describing. The sun will shine again and it may shine quicker than you realize. Once I accepted that this man was not going to be who I wanted I actually did get about the business of preparing for the birth of my child. There can be much excitement and joy over this as you know. Let this out and share with us everyday if you need to, the pain will lessen in time and there is always hope. Don't lose that now, my dear, when you need it the most. I have no regrets about any of it now because I have my son and having to do everything for myself has made me a strong woman today. I still don't have much support in my life in terms of my son, and it is what it is. You will be in my prayers as you make your way through this painful situation. You are loved, I love you as a sister in recovery from the horror of a Narc, I can feel your pain and know that it will get better with time. God bless, Goldie

#9 Jan 1 - 12AM (Reply to #9)

HealedOne

Not sure

Thank you Goldie, and everyone. I cried when I saw the outpouring of support. Thank you so much. I did not see a way to post again unless I replied to a comment. Am I doing this correctly? If not, forgive me and please let me know the proper way. I am so confused now as to whether or not he is even a narc. I know when he gets angry he is! He was very verbally and emotionally abusive when fighting or whenever I tried to solve a problem with him no matter how humly and vulnerably I broached the subject of the pain he was causing me. He would say I was 'beating on his head' and not appreciating all the giving he does for me and that I did not give enough...that he was the giver and I was just a taker. I truly thought I was a giver but when he lists stuff out it sounds like I am the selfish one. He has millions so when he brags about spending $200 on me I can't help but think it's like me spending $5 on him. It's not that I don't appreciate what he's done it's just that I actually spent my whole life savings in the marriage to "prove" myself at his request and now have nothing to support my son and I until the baby comes and he pays child support. He never got around to putting my name on any accounts yet insisted I drain my own account first. He 'bought me a car' but put it in his trust's name but promised to get me my own trust and transfer it over which he never did. So I truly have given all I have. Yet, he can only see what he has given and it didn't even make a dent in his net worth. When we talk now he says how we just don't work together. I say it's because we needed to communicate and have ground rules we follow. He says I'm all talk and no action and I keep telling him I would have action if we could agree on rules in the first place because I can't read his mind as to what his needs are. He says I "should just know" and that's what chemistry is, etc. Am I crazy? I tried desperately to get him to read a book or go to therapy so we can make some ground rules so the discussions will be fair (fair fighting rules) etc but he just gets angry and blames me. He has taken every good thing about me and made it bad. I have tried so hard to be a good Christian woman yet he mocks me and says I play games. I promise before God this is not true. I always try my very best to tell the truth and never play games yet I find he plays them constantly! It seems that everything he says that is mean to me is such an obvious projection of his own evil yet he not only can't see it but he blames me for projecting bad onto him...yet the only 'bad' I've ever mentioned to him is "please stop namecalling and mocking and tauting me. It hurts me so badly and I and the kids need an emotionally safe environment to live in." He said, "I'm not promising you that. You are playing a game." WTF? How can a woman shaking and on the verge of tears begging her husband to stop hurting her be playing a game? I could not have been more open before him and God. He said, "If you don't like it, leave. I'm done with you." My son was shaking in his room hearing this. The verbal emotional abuse was so bad so I took my son and left to my mom's. He called 2 days later and he said, "Hi, I was just wondering why you weren't home yet. I'm assuming you'll be back tonight." As if nothing happened. I started shaking again at the craziness and had to remind him of what he said and what happened and he was so condescending laughed and scoffed at me and said, "Oh please, that's not what I meant. You should know better." Then when I mentioned the verbal emotional abuse he freaked out and said he didn't want me coming back cuz I could ruin his life and reputation by using the word abuser and that he now wants a legal separation. He cancelled the counseling appointment I made for us and said, "It's not worth it." So, now he had officially kicked me out yet days later he calls my friend and says I cut off all ties of communication and abandoned him! She knew he was crazy then cuz she knew every detail of what happened. Then he put all my and my son's stuff in storage without asking and texted saying that since I abandoned him and hurt him deeply he had to 'protect himself'. Huh? How did his verbal and emotional abuse that caused me to have to protect myself turn into him protecting himself and me abandoning him when I fled for an emotionally safe place my son and I that he blatantly and repeatedly refused to offer? There's so much more but I know I've typed too much already. But from what I've said does this sound like a narc? The last I spoke to him he complained that I nor any other woman has 'adored' him. He's so blind to the fact that he destroys your soul and then can't figure out why you don't "gaze" at him "adoring" like he sees some of the women doing on tv. Then he keeps telling me that I am the one out of touch with reality and how good I had it cuz of his money! All along I've told him I don't care about the money then he scoffs at me and condescendingly calls me "frugal" and I "squeak when I walk" instead of praising a good thing! Oh, and it's been 3 months since I've left. When we talk on the phone he lets me know how he doesn't miss me at all cuz I "added nothing to his life" and he talks about how happy he is now and how all his employees love him and I'm the only one he has these problems with. He still trivializes the namecalling and has comed to the enlightenment through him and his therapist that he only did it because he had resentment that I didn't meet his needs - the very needs which he can't name and I should just know. He also told me he lost respect for me the day I told him I THOUGHT I had PTSD cuz I scored 20 out of 22 on an online test. He said on the phone today that he lost respect because I self diagnosed! I reminded him that I CLEARLY only told him my score and I WAS THE ONE who said I need to see a therapist for a real diagnosis. I also told him the truth that I am seeing a therapist now who immediately diagnosed me with Complex PTSD (panic attacks, suicidal thoughts, feeling crazy and heart pounding out of my chest and simply wanting to die because his painful words to me and my son haunt my soul). He told me repeatedly that I should have acted more happy and how hard it was for him to see a 'grimaced look on my face' and that I'm just an 'unhappy person'. I know the truth is that those faces were after he had verbally attacked me and felt better and was clueless as to why I wasn't immediately over it even days later. Before I left the walking on eggshells and anxiety attacks were so bad that I was wearing a heart monitor cuz I thought I had a heart problem. Then I read about verbal abuse and emotional abuse and how it can lead to ptsd and I knew i was obsession on how to get him to stop this pain. The heart doctors confirmed there was a skip but that it was due to stress. That's when I had to admit the truth. I read all the Patricia Evan's books and could deny it no longer when I read him in every page. I'll stop now. Sorry this is all over the place. Am I crazy? Is he a narc???? Let me know if I need to give more info or examples. BTW, I've had other abusive relationships so I think I cracked after only 3 years with him because I was so raw from the others and he triggered so much.

#10 Dec 31 - 5AM

Used

HealedOne

PLEASE PLEASE DONT GIVE UP.... YOUR SADNESS AND SORROW IS UNDERSTANDABLE... you have a new life coming and a son to keep you going, You must *not* be thinking in terms of him and what its going to do your son....you must think of ONLY TODAY...ONE DAY AT A TIME IS HOW YOU WILL GET THRU THIS.... I HAVE BEEN WERE YOU ARE NOW...I FELT LIKE YOU, HOW CAN I GO ON?...WHEN I FIRST CAME TO THIS BOARD I DIDNT THINK I WOULD SURVIVE, BUT I AM STILL HERE... WE HAVE TO KEEP FIGHTING AND NOT GIVE UP...WE HAVE FAMILY HOW WOULD THEY SURVIVE IF WE ARE NOT HERE TO HELP AND GUIDE THEM.....GOD BLESS YOU, I WILL BE THINKING OF YOU AT ALL TIMES TODAY, PLEASE KNOW THIS WILL PASS... I AM PROOF...THAT YOU CAN TURN THE CORNER... JUST CONCENTRATE ON GETTING THRU ONE DAY AT A TIME...

#11 Dec 31 - 5AM

Sparrow

I am so sorry or your pain.

I am so sorry for your pain. This must be so very overwhelming for you right now. Like the previous posts have said, this too will pass. Please keep in mind that you are putting the cart before the horse. You are assuming your narc will participate in this unborn babies life, with weekend visits and inheritance. Not necessarily. He may ave no relationship at all with the child. Many narcs leave their family behind when they move on. Cross that bridge when you come to it. Focus on you right now, your emotional and physical health are of the utmost importance right now. You can do this, stay strong, life is worth living, and you have proof of that in your beautiful children! Hugs. Lots of them sent your way. :)

#12 Dec 31 - 3AM

laxl

Can't imagine your pain...

I am so very sorry you are having to deal with this incredibly stressful situation - a breakup, the holidays, a child abused/neglected by a selfish N, pregnancy... that is too much for anyone to handle by themselves. For the sake of your children and yourself, I hope you will be able to find some help beyond this website. Can you talk to your OB/GYN about the problems you are dealing with? Perhaps that person can make a referral to help you. As much as a breakup with an N will suck the life out of you, when your body is also coping with the hormones/changes of pregnancy... oh my gosh that has to be overwhelming. BUT... as difficult as it is, there is HOPE. There is love - for and from your children... from friends, family, and your extended blog family. Your children can provide you with inner strength you never knew you had. Your son will grow to be a man who appreciates strong women. You can teach your son to value other people's feelings - and rid the world of another N. When your daughter is born, you will show her what it is to be independent but loving; compassionate but not a sucker. I wish I could just give you a hug, some fresh tissues and a fuzzy teddy bear. Please hang in there. And keep us posted about how you are doing. I hope you will send a baby announcement on this blog when your little one arrives. Sending you love over the internet.

#13 Dec 31 - 2AM

Done sourcing

It sounds as if you are in

It sounds as if you are in the trauma-drama-denial-bartering phase, which we all go through. It seems unbearable, and un-solvable. The feelings of wanting to just give up and die are normal, but they pass. And they are metaphorical anyway, because we are actually experiencing a death of sorts. A death of hopes and dreams, a death of innocence, a death of a busy life filled with Narc drama and trauma. This phase will pass. You now lament how your son will feel so abandoned by the narc not taking him on visitation, but you will be grateful for that later on. I wish my kid was always with me, instead of sharing her with the Narc. You are also projecting what the next 18 years will be like...try getting back to living in the present moment, that is enough to handle...telling yourself stories about what the future will bring is not emotionally a good idea...let the future unfold one day at a time. ds

#14 Dec 31 - 1AM

Pumpkin

I agree with the helpful posts

I agree with the posts. Healing takes time. And believe me there will be a time when he won't have the ability to hurt you like he is now. There will be rough spots where you feel angry but they don't last as long or hurt so much. It gets to the point where you vent, shake your head and think what a loser. Take it one day at a time.

Pumpkin

#15 Dec 31 - 12AM

Isabella B

I am Sorry

This is a painful, painful time - holidays just add on more. It's been almost 10 months for me. I have slipped and feel like I did when I was in the throws of depression and so sad. I feel for you - I have typed a journal entry that begins with "I died." I know I've felt that level of sadness and grief - just did not want to endure it any longer - like I've lost my sanity. You have children though - what blessings and please stay strong. My journal entry is sad and I wrote that about 6 months after the D&D. I feel that heavy feeling - just thinking back to a year ago. Had someone predicted this last year, I'd say no way; we love each other and it'll be better next New Years. It hurts thinking he's doing with her what he did with me last year - I want to take a nap for about three months. Please stay strong and it does take time and it is a process - wish I was on the other side of this...time, I'm told will heal the wounds. I was raised not to mention death of self or family, but I said it one day. Here is the journal entry: Oct. 25 I died. That part of my heart and soul died; that place where dreams come from. It was a slow painful death - so slow and painful. I wanted it to all go away - the memories, feelings, and dreams. I am easily fooled by what I see. I am easy to hurt. My heart is open and raw, but I still want to protect it. I was/am scared...just one step at a time. I am so afraid to go on because then, that would signal the end of my dreams and hopes. He never cared about my dreams or hopes; he only took from me what he wanted and when I asked for respect, love, and patience, he became angry. So angry, he kicked me out. He did it to his own father a year ago. I'm afraid, but it will get done. He did not want me in his life. It was so painful - dying slowly and each time I went for comfort, resolution, or reconcilation, he kicked me and treated me like I was nothing. What was the reason for his anger towards me - his indifference and cruelty? I did not know how I "earned" such treatment. I did not deserve it. After all I gave and nothing - no appreciation. I will not let myself down again. I travel this road and it is lonesome, especially at night. I hope to slow down and listen to me with the light of God. I often wondered - I felt it when I was driving over the mountain - who would stand up for me? In the stories about mistreatment, esp. in the fairy tales, there is someone who avenged or takes care of the injured. I asked God, even I did not stand up for myself. I did not say a hurtful thing to him. I feel selfish for "suffering" for so long; and my heart is weak, but it is coming back- slowly it is coming back...who am I?

#16 Dec 31 - 12AM

nomoredenial

I too felt just like you 3 months ago

All I could think was how could I get out and then realizing I could not would ever do that to my sons. But the pain can feel imbearable at times. Keep reading here and posting,screaming crying and talk to people who REALLY understand. The ones who dont will only make you feel worse. It will get better and when you really see him for who he is and not who you thought he was or wanted him to be it will get easier. You will be glad to get rid of him. I am to the point I wish he would find someone else again so he will go away.

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