I want off this roller coaster!

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#1 Oct 26 - 9AM
meik11
meik11's picture

I want off this roller coaster!

4 weeks no contact for me today. I am proud of myself. This is the first time I have gone this long without at least sending him a text. I'm happy to be off his crazy roller coaster ride of he loves me, he loves me not and wondering when he's going to dump me next. On the other hand, now i'm on roller coaster ride #2. I go from celebrating, to missing him, to hating him, to sad, to picking up the phone, hanging up, feeling relief,crying and starting all over again. It's something about being with a Narc that seems to cut deeper than any other relationship. I use to tell ny friend I was happy because I could be myself with him. This was in terms of sense of humor and not always feeling like I had to look my best. I could relax and we got along really well until anything emotional took place. I wasn't myself at all because any sign of emotion, weakness, or objection would make him turn away frome me so I also turned into a robot. I was so passive and insecure, I don't know who I was. I excepted behavior that made me sick to my stomach time and time again. It was all about trying to get things back to the way they were. I question my strength. It's been a little easier for me to remain NC because he has not made any attempts, I don't know how strong I can be if he does.

I know this is a process, I just want it to be over. The constant memories, and thinking if I had done something different things would be different. I want me back, the real me...

Oct 26 - 11AM
spinning
spinning's picture

meik, hang in there,

she will return better and stronger. You are doing AWESOME with four weeks NC! Breaking the old pattern is really really hard. I know because I've been there and I felt the pull. But you are already succeeding in rewriting the script. The new script of your life says you don't like being treated poorly, being confused and walking on eggshells, being passive and dead inside! Your "all over the map" type feelings are so normal at this phase. Read all you can (the blogs here are excellent) and try not to judge your feelings or push them down. It's hard, but the more you work through them and let it out (including breaking down and sobbing), the farther along the path you will be, one step at a time. I am so proud of you, meik. This is huge! I was also with a disordered cop where the old pattern was for me to chase and apologize. NO MORE. I'm 12 months out and couldn't be happier. The "old" spinning is back and better than ever. I still have a ways to go but believe me I never thought I'd get where I'm at when I was in your shoes. Keep striving. It will be so worth it and we are here to help you. Also, know that this "person" will likely try to contact you. Be prepared for this. At this moment you already know you may feel weak should that happen. That's good to know! Now you can have a plan! Come here instead of bite the lure! The reason I bring this up is it has happened to me and I bit more than once. The last time it was by far the biggest mistake of my life. I just learned he's back in the area (has been for about two weeks) and I am preparing myself. NOTHING IS GOING TO RUIN MY PROGRESS OR THE HAPPINESS I HAVE ATTAINED AND WORKED SO HARD FOR. I want this for you, too, meik. YOu are doing great! Focus on how strong you have been and how you've fought through it even though it's been so hard and painful. You should feel very good about that! You are getting your power back whether you know it or not! Most sincerely, (not) spinning. NO WAY. NEVER AGAIN WILL I SPIN FOR ANY MAN, FOR ANYONE!

spinning

Oct 26 - 12PM (Reply to #11)
meik11
meik11's picture

Thank you so much

Thank you so much spinning, It'a these types of posts and responces that help me get through the night... i am doing great aren't I! :-)
Oct 26 - 9AM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

You have a long road ahead of

You have a long road ahead of you, this is just the beginning. But the journey is well worth it! You will go through ALL of the motions before coming out the other end, healed. Patience in the healing process is important. Don't get too far ahead of yourself and rush the process. Continue NC and find the strength to maintain it every way possible. Stay closeto the forum and learn as much as you can about the disorder.....seek therapy if you can. We have all been where you are at, continue reaching out on the forum, ask as much as you need to and request support as often as you want. There is always someone here! Good luck!
Oct 26 - 9AM
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

meilk11

the good news is you will recover, I am over 2 1/2 years out, but the not so good news is it will take time and that time depends on the person, read all you can, get therapy if need be , check out info on the internet, and hopefully you have a strong support system, I did not and it took a lot longer for me to recover on my own, he was a huge part of my life and when he left a huge void was there.......
Oct 26 - 9AM (Reply to #8)
meik11
meik11's picture

Unfortunatley I have no one

Unfortunatley I have no one else to talk to because I kept his behavior a secret. I tried to make him out to be a good guy by pointing out only the good things he did. Having you guys to talk to does has been a great help. I'm sure with out your encouragement I would have broken NC long ago. thank you
Oct 26 - 9AM
Victim-no-more
Victim-no-more's picture

I am in the same place as you

I am in the same place as you are. I don't have any advice to offer but please know my mind is also tormenting me with the exact same thoughts you are having. Reading this forum is the only relief I seem to get....and lots of prayer. I just keep telling myself this can't last forever and that getting him out of my life is the only way and only hope of my ever feeling sane again.
Oct 26 - 9AM (Reply to #4)
meik11
meik11's picture

Do you agree one of the most

Do you agree one of the most agonizing parts is knowing they are out living their life as if you never existed? It kills me. I do whatever I can to distract myself, but as soon as its over and know one can see me I break down...
Oct 26 - 6PM (Reply to #6)
NarcJunkie
NarcJunkie's picture

It helps me when I remind myself that

while he is out there "enjoying" his life what he's really doing is desperately avoiding to face his inner demons. He never dealt with his ex, he never dealt with me, he just ran straight into the arms of the OW so he could forget everything - the coward! We may be suffering and struggling to pull ourselves out of this mess every day... but by facing our fears and living through our pain we also grow stronger every day. Would we rather be a Narc incapable maybe of feeling deep pain but also incapable of feeling deep love?
Oct 26 - 9AM (Reply to #5)
darling.girl
darling.girl's picture

Injustice of it all

meik11, Yes, one of the most agonizing parts is knowing they are out there, living life as they always have, not suffering like we are... that he is on to the next handful of women who he will successfully deceive... that there will most likely be a constant new source of supply for him that will believe he is the masked man that he presents. The fact that he is extremely wealthy makes seducing women even easier for him. In order to stay NC and not resort to believing his seduction image was real, this is what I try to hold onto: 1) The man I loved never existed, 2) From looking at the FB photos of the women who have been in his life, I see a pattern of them looking blissfully happy to their eyes looking sad and haunted (just as happened to me), 3) We can have power. As many have said, by not communicating with him you have refused to feed the beast. You will have stunned him. Maybe only temporarily, but you will be one of the few, if only one, who has dared to not give him what he wants. This is our revenge and justice. P.S. I was on the roller coaster for almost 2 years. It was long and torture.
Oct 26 - 9AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

I remember I went to my

I remember I went to my therapist and said the same thing... She frowned and said you won't be out of the woods for a long time..Not what I wanted to hear.. You have been emotional raped and most likely suffering from PTSD... The bright side is once it's over it's over.. You come out stronger .. Sorry, Hunter
Oct 26 - 9AM (Reply to #2)
meik11
meik11's picture

Thank you Hunter, For some

Thank you Hunter, For some reason I knew you would be the first to offer a word of wisdom. You are truly appreciated on this site...