idk what i feel anymore....

one minute i think im ok and the next i feel like im not! its been almost 10 weeks of nc. i am functioning better, meaning i can get out of bed and go to work, etc. but when im alone, he is all i can think about and i am left going over and over everything.
i had my second therapy session this week and my therapist labeled him as a narc without me using the label myself but only describing how i feel and the things he has done. i guess that puts to bed any doubts i may have had.
i have been silent on here for awhile but i log in every day and read what others have to say. it helps to remind me that i am normal and not alone. i have been prescribed an antidepressant, i guess i will see if that helps even me out. ill have a good day and say to myself f**k him but then ill have feelings of sorrow and loneliness.
i catch myself wishing things could have been different, wondering if they could have been, if only blah, blah, blah...i feel like i want to cry and then get mad at myself!!!! i am still so hurt and angry with him. so many things were left unsaid and unresolved and i know that this is just how it goes but sometimes even knowing this doesnt make it any better.
we have a court date at the end of the month and i think about if i will see him and what will happen, how will i feel. its so hard because i know that i will never get the answers i want and deserve and even if he reached out to me, i couldnt believe anything that he said but yet in a strange way i still want him to make the effort. does that make any sense?
at first i felt like know what he is and how he operates would be enough for me to achieve a sense of closure, and it did for awhile....maybe i am just having a moment.
i have to pretend to all my friends and family because they dont understand and dont know everything that happened. i am embarrassed to tell them so i just say, we broke up and leave it at that. i know they wont understand anyways. i sometimes hate the way i have to pretend that we broke up and im ok because im really not!
i keep praying. i keep reading. i keep writing. i know this is a process but im ready to be done with this whole thing and i wish that i didnt still love him, even though i know that he is a monster and that we will never be together again.
the flip flopping of emotions is exhausting!!!! i hate him for all of this and making me feel this way. i am so angry at myself for allowing this to happening and ignoring my intuition because i was always hoping that if i did enough it would make all the difference. i wish i knew what he was before i broke up with him.
i cant believe i am going through this...i just wanna be normal and happy again. i want to not care about him. im upset with myself because even though i know all of this about him and i have days when i act like im ok and i could care less, deep down in my heart i still do.
i really loved him and it pisses me off that i wasted years and years on him and it was all i joke. i feel like he is laughing at me right now and it infuriates me!!!!!
i just had to vent. i know you all understand my ramblings. i know in my head i will get through this. it just sucks right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!