If I'm so much better than him, <strong>why aren't I with him?!</strong>

8 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Nov 3 - 9PM
ally2375
ally2375's picture

If I'm so much better than him, <strong>why aren't I with him?!</strong>

Have you seen the movie "Clueless"? There's a scene where a girl is comforting a friend who has just been dumped. The girl tells her friend that she's better off and way too good for the guy, to which her friend wails,

If I'm so much better than him, why aren't I with him?!

I love that scene. We all think that at one point, don't we? We look at the woman our ex cheated with or followed us with and ask ourselves what she has that we don't. We pick her apart, creating a mental balance sheet of all the ways we're better than she is and vice versa. We don't feel better after doing this, regardless of which of us comes out on top.

The problem with this dysfunctional little exercise is that we're evaluating the NW based upon our standards. The narcissist is working with an entirely different scale. You may well be smarter, more beautiful, or more successful than she is, but that only earns you points if the narcissist rates those qualities highly. Often, they don't.

If your ex was passive aggressive, he'll give points for tolerating his lack of emotional connection. If he was an alpha male, points go to the doormat. If he was a waif, he's looking for mommy. Now, take another look at your scale. Does it grant high points to controlling children with no emotional intelligence? Hmmm...

Narcissists seek out the best and brightest. But make no mistake; they don't stay with them. Long term, a narcissist can't be with someone who shines more brightly than he does. To be with a narcissist for any length of time, you need to dim your light a helluva lot.

My scale doesn't give any points for a man who would want me to do that.

Nov 4 - 9AM
GeorgiaGirl
GeorgiaGirl's picture

Awesome!

Thanks for this, ally!
Nov 4 - 8AM
ValiditySeeker
ValiditySeeker's picture

Yes!

Exactly! It always bugged me that Mr. Highly Educated Physician would dump a woman with a masters degree for an immigrant with a high school education only. He had always said he wanted an educated wife then he gets together with her. Couldn't wrap my brain around it. At all. But it finally dawned on me that he wants to be the boss in the relationship. The star. He didn't need competition, he needed someone to take out whatever he could dish out and not be willing to leave to go back to her home country. I always challenged his bullshit behaviors, otoh. I'm glad I got dumped. I really don't want to be a second class citizen in my relationships or take it up the ass just because my man feels smarter than me or more entitled. No thanks! I pity her- she's trapped by him. She wouldnt be able to financially support the 4 kids if she left him. Not with a high school diploma and a thick accent. She's can't get away from him. Meanwhile, I relish my freedom and my ability to support myself.
Nov 4 - 5AM
Tigerlily
Tigerlily's picture

Great, Ally! And funny, too!

I think you`re absolutely right on this. Nuff said. Tigerlily
Nov 3 - 10PM
Gaia
Gaia's picture

much needed!!

A million thank yous :) Brilliant post !!
Nov 3 - 10PM
aceonelady
aceonelady's picture

simple and oh so true...

Thank you Ally...

Aceonelady

Nov 3 - 9PM
empath
empath's picture

ally2375

How do I type a standing ovation? :-) Great post! Thank you! Very inspiring!
Nov 4 - 2PM (Reply to #2)
FINALLYFREE2BME
FINALLYFREE2BME's picture

"If I'm so much better than

"If I'm so much better than him, why aren't I with him?!" That's exactly why! :)